Alaney
by Alaney
Summary: Sara & Grissom have to face up to the seperate skeletons in their pasts. The team are in for a shock when they meet Sara's unusual and large family (Note: Not for the squemish) (Note:Finally updated & finished in a few chapters time)
1. Daven

Warwick squirmed, Grissom looked his usual unemotional self and Sara smirked at Warwick as the coroner showed the three of them the dead man's liver.  
  
"You see here. That damage is usually caused by severe alcoholism. Plus he had smoked a lot of cannabis!" the coroner commented.  
  
"He's fried" Sara remarked. The other three looked at her and smirked. "Fried?!" said Warwick.  
  
"What?. I've said that since I was a child. That's a normal thing to say!" she said. They all looked at her again.  
  
"Don't! - It's like being back in school again!. I'm the strange little weird kid again" she commented.  
  
The other three looked at each other and smirked. Then carried on,  
  
"You were saying?" Grissom said to the coroner.  
  
Just as Sara, Grissom and Warrick were exiting the coroner's briefing a young man approached the CSI reception.  
  
"Umm hello - I was wondering if I could a quick word with Sara Sidle. I realise she's working - and I don't want to get her in trouble but I really need just a quick word".  
  
He was in his mid to late thirties, trendy, handsome and wore smart clothes. He was Caucasian and had brown hair, brown eyes, had a medium build and was tall.  
  
"Who shall I say is calling?" the receptionist asked.  
  
"Her brother" he replied.  
  
Sara noticed him and went running over.  
  
"Daven!" she exclaimed as she wrapped her arms round him in an excited hug.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she asked.  
  
Meanwhile, Grissom and Warrick were looking over at them.  
  
"He's put the colour in her cheeks!" Grissom commented.  
  
"An ex maybe?. No, she's too comfortable with him.maybe a crush she has?" Warrick speculated.  
  
"Let's go and see" Grissom suggested vaguely excited.  
  
As Warrick and Grissom approached Sara immediately introduced them,  
  
"Grissom, my boss. Warwick, my colleague. This is my brother, Daven".  
  
"Nice to meet you, mate" Warrick said, as he shook Daven's hand.  
  
"You too" replied Daven.  
  
"I see Sara gets her good looks from her dad then" Warrick gestured.  
  
Sara was shocked that Warrick had just complimented her. Sara blushed and Daven smiled. Daven squeezed Sara's cheeks and she hit him lightly. Grissom was confused by why Warrick only mentioned their dad - then it clicked. Warrick obviously knew something he didn't. Sara and Daven looked at each other to answer the question.  
  
"Nah" they replied in unison laughing.  
  
"Oh no. Give him some credit. Dad was quite a looker in his hayday" Daven commented laughing.  
  
"Actually gees, Sara you stink!. No wonder your single!" said Daven.  
  
Sara hit him again and Daven laughed. Daven shook Grissom's hand saying  
  
"Grissom, I hope you don't mind me borrowing Sara for a second I just needed her urgently" said Daven.  
  
"Urgent?. Is something wrong?. Is my mom alright?" asked Sara.  
  
"She has bad health" Sara explained to Grissom and Warrick.  
  
"No she's fine!. Everyone is. It's not that urgent!. Just kind of" explained Daven.  
  
"Well, its fine - Sara has a break coming up anyway" Grissom said.  
  
"If you need anytime off Sara just tell me" Grissom said with care as he touched her arm.  
  
Sara smiled. Grissom walked off and signalled Warrick to come follow, which he did.  
  
"I feel really guilty now. Its really not that urgent. I was just wondering if I could stay with you. I went by your place and your neighbour said you were at work. It was only urgent because I needed to know in case the hotels book up - this is Vegas after all!" he said.  
  
"Don't be silly of course you can!" Sara said.  
  
"Cool. I better leave you to work!. Oh and tonight I'm taking you out somewhere!. Your choice" he said.  
  
He kissed her goodbye on the cheek as he left.  
  
"Thanks sis!. Love ya!" he expressed.  
  
Sara stood smiling and then walked to the break room.  
  
Grissom was taking his break too. He looked up and smiled as Sara entered the room commenting amused,  
  
"Is that the brother who you told on for smoking cannabis?".  
  
"Yes. You remember me telling you that?" Sara asked curiously as she made a cup of coffee.  
  
"Of course!. Sara despite what you think - my opinion of you is very high. I don't think your just one little quirk. I remember everything you say. I value everything you say - especially your opinion" Grissom defended.  
  
Sara was almost shocked but of recent times Grissom had been letting out little insights of his feelings - so she was getting used to them appearing. Grissom paused for thought.  
  
"I only ask because he doesn't seem that much older than you" Grissom commented.  
  
"He was eleven and I was five. His mom wouldn't have been so angry if he wasn't so young" she replied.  
  
"Usually they would encourage cannabis!" Sara muttered  
  
"Chills the soul!" she laughed.  
  
"I personally think it screws the brain. I've seen enough of its effects to know!" she commented.  
  
"I don't mean to pry. I'm just curious. You don't have the same mothers, do you?. You've referred to different mothers twice now!. It's just I thought you said you were playing hide and seek, and then you showed YOUR mom, and then he was grounded" Grissom said.  
  
"Yeah, he's my half brother. I was playing round his house. I showed my mom - who told his mom because she was concerned" Sara replied as she sat down with her coffee and a newspaper.  
  
"Oh!" Grissom said.  
  
"But he's still my brother - he just happens to be my brother who lives at a different house!. My mum really doesn't care!. They all slept around in those days. Daven's like a son to her!. Our mothers have been friends ever since before Daven was born!. But when my parents had me they calmed down and got a business together - their still as crazy as anything though!. You got any siblings?" Sara asked. 


	2. ER

The gang sat round in the break room waiting for their cases.  
  
"Young couple found in a dustbin in suburbia! - found by neighbour - Nick and Catherine you can handle this. Warrick, Sara and I are going to take the case of a rape of a minor inside a Casino toilet" reported Grissom.  
  
"What was she doing in a Casino?" questioned Sara.  
  
"Good question - this may get complicated!" answered Grissom.  
  
Sara and Warrick analysed the scene as Grissom tutored them. Once they had gathered enough evidence they took it back to their headquarters.  
  
"Greg?. You got our results?" Sara asked as Warrick stood by attentively.  
  
"Looks like those toilets were recently cleaned because out of all those fingerprints you gave me I only got 2 people - one was your victim and the other I have a match on the database. Someone called Roger Tyler" Greg answered. Sara looked at the results and commented,  
  
"Gees, the guy's either not clever or not ashamed!. Are we even sure she was raped?. She's what 15, was it?. She may have lied to cover up - just a suggestion!. Greg, what's on his record?".  
  
"Robbery and cleared of arson - that's it!" responded Greg.  
  
"I think we need to fast track the rape evidence" said Sara.  
  
"Plus let's go talk to her" suggested Warrick.  
  
"Yeah, good idea. You and Brass can interview her. I want to watch. Thanks Greg" said Sara as they walked out.  
  
"Great" said Warrick pleased that Sara wasn't trying to fight him for top dog this once.  
  
Half an hour later, Officer Parker approached the CSI reception rushed and urgent.  
  
"I need to speak to Sara Sidle, please! - it's an emergency!" Officer Parker exclaimed.  
  
"I'll call Gil Grissom he should know where she is" replied the receptionist.  
  
"Hello?", replied Grissom as he picked up his phone, "Right. Yeah well, she's in interview room 2 interviewing. In fact no she's watching the interview!".  
  
Officer Parker rushed right into the viewing room Sara resided in.  
  
"Sara!", he exclaimed, "I just got a phone call from Tamales Bay police - your mum's really ill!. She's in hospital and she's asking for you urgently. She's going to make it but she's really quite bad!".  
  
"What!. Oh my god!. Ummm thanks!" she said, eventually rushing past him.  
  
Confused and dazed Sara knew the first thing she needed to do was ask Grissom if she could go. Grissom had been prepared for this to happen ever since he'd heard officer Parker needed to urgently speak to her. Grissom knew Sara's mother had bad health and wondered if it was that. He was so worried for Sara that he found it hard to carry on working. How should he treat Sara as a boss? - As a friend? - As a woman who tried to ask him out not long ago?!. If he touched her in a certain way or said something to her she might get the wrong impression. He didn't want her to think he didn't care though. Care as a boss. Care as a friend. She was very special to him - but he knew she couldn't be what she wanted - too special!. Sara appeared at his door as he was thinking. He looked up and saw her shaken and on the verge of tears.  
  
"What's happened?. Is it your mother?" Grissom asked caringly.  
  
Sara nodded and burst into tears. Grissom walked up and used one hand to usher her in and one to close the door. Sara hadn't been sure how Grissom would react. She wasn't sure if he could be a source of comfort, especially after she'd embarrassed herself by asking him out. He was so unpredictable. Sometimes he showed emotion when you least expected it and other times when you expected emotion he didn't have any or enough. But this time he was offering comfort - well, as much as he could give. But she wasn't sure if she wanted it. Well, it wasn't that she didn't want it - it was situations like these that she wished for it so badly, and sometimes didn't get it. It was just she didn't want to talk about it. Grissom sat her down on a chair and knelt by her holding her hand. He looked her in the eyes and asked,  
  
"What happened?".  
  
"I don't know. I just know she's in hospital and it sounds really bad! - but she's going to make it. But, er. I really need to go see her!. That's o.k isn't it?" she sobbed.  
  
"Of course" Grissom said as he took his other hand round and placed it on her back.  
  
"Sara, can I ask what she's got?. Why her health's so bad?" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara stopped crying and looked at him. Almost angrily she replied  
  
"No!. Sorry - that's private". She took a breath and looked at him again. This time she carried on with less resentment in her voice, "It's just I like to keep my work separate from my family life".  
  
"I'm asking you as a friend too, Sara" Grissom insisted.  
  
Sara sighed and looked down. She couldn't believe how intrusive Grissom was being, of late, in her personal life - and yet he never let her know his!. What was so bad that he could be holding?. With this she got up and became flustered again.  
  
"I've got to - er - go!. It's going to take me too long to get there already!. I want to be there now!" Sara communicated.  
  
"Sara! Sara!", he called trying to get the flustered woman's attention, "Do you want me to get someone to drive you?. Or even escort you? - maybe I could?".  
  
"Err, no!. I'm fine. I've got to go" she said. Just as Sara was about to leave Grissom paused and called to her "Sara!".  
  
She turned. He exclaimed,  
  
"I'm sorry for asking. I didn't mean to intrude. I just. I just - care!".  
  
She looked at him and added,  
  
"Thank you it's appreciated - but it's personal!".  
  
Then she left and he was alone. It was so quiet again. Grissom did feel dejected from Sara's refusal to tell him. But how could he complain when he had refused to tell her about his mother's deafness when she asked - but he had his reasons. He didn't want her to judge him or his future but then again maybe she had her reasons. It was unlike Sara Sidle to be so defensive though. Grissom felt he'd hit a raw spot. Or maybe she was trying to get him back for the times he had rejected to tell her stuff - or rejected her as a person. He didn't mean to reject her though - it was just complicated!. But nah! Sara Sidle wasn't spiteful!. 


	3. Libby

It had been nearly a week since Sara had been back to work. Her performance didn't seem much affected - at most she just seemed tireder than usual. Sara had resumed her same level of enthusiasm and interest in every case. It was just after midday that Grissom drove up to Sara Sidle's apartment. Sara and Catherine had finished hours previously but Grissom, Nick and Warwick had been working overtime on a case. Unfortunately, Sara had left her cell phone in the break room. Grissom had decided to return it her on his way home with the main reason he gave as her probably needing it as soon as possible. Nick and Warrick suspected otherwise. When Grissom knocked on Sara's door it was not Sara who greeted him. It was an older woman in her forties or fifties (it was hard to tell which). She was Caucasian with curly brown long hair, brown features and about 5"7. She wore a creamy beige coloured crinkled drab dress. Facially, she looked very much like a older version of Sara Sidle. This woman had one of the friendliest smiles he had ever seen on her face and welcoming eyes. However, Grissom noticed that she was badly bruised all over her face and all her body. She stood with her arm in a sling. "Oh I'm sorry. I was looking for Sara Sidle. I'm her boss" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"Oh dear - I hope she's not in trouble!" the kind woman joked. Then the woman thought to herself and exclaimed,  
  
"She's not? Is she? - because if she is then I can assure you she loves that job and she gives it 110. No, 120 percent!. No more!!. You won't get any better than Sara. We're so proud of her. She went to Harvard you know. She -".  
  
Grissom smiled and interrupted her  
  
"No, I assure you - She's not in trouble. And I know how much Sara gives to her job. She probably puts the most effort in than anyone".  
  
"I'm sorry", the woman exclaimed holding out her hand and saying,  
  
"I'm Libby Sidle - Sara's mom".  
  
Grissom smiled and shook her hand.  
  
"I guessed as much. Gil Grissom. Nice to meet you. Is Sara in?" Grissom replied.  
  
"Oh no, sorry, I forgot to say! - Sara is at the supermarket. But please come in I'm sure she'll be back soon!" Sara's mother exclaimed.  
  
"It's not that important. She left her phone at work and I was just returning it on my way home" Grissom said.  
  
Libby interrupted, "Oh!. How lovely of you. No wonder my Sara likes you so much. She's always going on about you - saying how brilliant you are".  
  
Grissom blushed and smiled. "Now come on inside. Have you only just finished work?. You must be dying for a drink. I'll make you one immediately!" she asserted.  
  
"Oh no!. I don't need to see Sara that urgently. I could just leave her phone here in your safe keeping" Grissom replied.  
  
"Now Gil!. May I call you that?. Sara calls you 'Grissom' " Libby asked.  
  
"Well it's like a nickname - it's my surname. But either is fine" replied Grissom.  
  
"Gil Grissom!. Any good C. S.I - that is what you lot are called isn't it?. Yeah well, I can't believe you would trust my word enough to leave something as precious as - this thing! - well, it's precious to her, at least!....In my hands because I simply SAY I'm her mother. I could be a burglar posing as her mother!. I really think as a good CSI you should come in and wait till Sara comes and confirms it. I really insist you come in! I really want to chat to you!. Sara is always going on about you. Well, all her colleagues!. And her job!. But you especially! - in an admiration way of course!. She worships you!. She thinks you can do no wrong!" insisted Libby.  
  
"Now I'm sure that isn't true!. But sure I'll come in" Grissom agreed. Sara's mom looked delighted and they walked in.  
  
Grissom could tell immediately that Libby was a flamboyant character.  
  
"Would you like tea or coffee?. I have some lovely camomile tea - it can really relax you after a hard day's work - and I promise there's nothing dodgy in it - I know what my Sara's likely to say about me!" Libby said.  
  
"She doesn't say much really. Coffee please" Grissom commented.  
  
"Oh", Libby said dejected, "then again that sounds like her too".  
  
"How are you feeling, Mrs Sidle?. Sara was quite upset when you were in hospital!" Grissom enquired.  
  
"As would any daughter!. Oh please call me Libby!. Oh I'm fine!. Sara's looking after me when she can - did she tell you what happened?" Libby enquired.  
  
"No, she likes to keep her work and family life pretty much separate" Grissom answered. "Oh yes, I can understand that. Well I'll tell you then!. I was mugged Mr Grissom!. I was mugged!. Society today hey!. No wonder when crime and violence is so glamorised in society!. It's just like I said when I when on a protest against nuclear weapons - violent crimes will increase in our society if don't stop introducing more forms of it!" Libby babbled on. Grissom didn't quite understand what Libby was saying about violence - she didn't really make sense. But Grissom got the immediate impression Libby had strong feelings on it. Maybe that was why Sara was so fired up by it - her parents must have brought her up extra anti violence. Libby was still babbling on when Grissom stopped day dreaming,  
  
"It was terrible, Mr Grissom!. I just hope your lot in our local police department are as good as you and my Sara. But then again, their not are they - you guys are what number 2 or something!. That's amazing! Brilliant!. Congratulations!. But yes Gil - I am fine!. I'm thinking of going back home soon though - but Sara just doesn't want to let go. You'd think I was the daughter!. She's always looking after me that one!. My only one!" blabbered Libby.  
  
"Oh I thought it was due to your bad health - don't you have some kind of condition?. Sorry I'm intruding!" asked Grissom.  
  
"Oh bad health!. What type?. Umm. Well, I just have 'bad health'!. Their doing tests but just can't find out what it is!" Libby said.  
  
"Mr Grissom. Enough about me!. Can I ask you something quite intimate?" asked Libby moving closer to Grissom.  
  
Grissom become quite worried after what Sara had said about her parents being promiscuous, but she said that had stopped. Didn't she?.  
  
"Well, why don't you ask me and I'll see if it's appropriate to answer" Grissom replied trying to stay cool.  
  
"Well, I'll get straight to the point - What's going on between you and my daughter?. Romantically?" Libby demanded.  
  
"Nothing!" Grissom defended.  
  
"Well, let me tell you something that may surprise you, Mr Grissom. This will probably embarrass my daughter - but she's used to that!. Well, I feel I need to clear things up. This is how it is Gil - I've erm - I've noticed that Sara has romantic feelings for you. I can just tell. Call it motherly instinct. The way she does and always has spoken about you. And I'd just like to put across some points Mr Grissom. Firstly, age gap!. I'm quite open minded - but no! - end of story!. Secondly, she sees you as like a father figure to her - looks up to you and your like her hero - and father figures and romantic feelings together equal very messy and urghhh. You get the picture!. That's disgusting!" said Sara's mom.  
  
"You see Mr Grissom", Mrs Sidle took a deep breath and sighed, "I'm not sure if Sara's mentioned this but Sara doesn't get along very well with her father. She doesn't feel he's really 'met up to her standards' of what a father should be!. Their hardly on speaking terms and they never really got on ever since she was a teenager. That's why I'm here, because Sara doesn't think he is capable of looking after me!. And well, I think she's practically disowned him in her mind. So the position is vacant and she looks around for a father figure and my bets are that she sees you as that. I'm sorry".  
  
Grissom looked quite shocked. He knew Sara had some thoughts of him in that way but he didn't realise it ran so deep. Grissom looked up at Mrs Sidle and replied,  
  
"Mrs Sidle. I am aware of Sara's romantic feelings for me and I have a vague comprehension of the way she looks up to me. But I can assure you - that although I cannot change Sara's feelings - I can assure you there will be no relationship. Your daughter is truly amazing!. A passionate and kindred spirit in a billion!. She is beautiful and very easy to fall for!. And as far as I'm concerned I am such a lucky man to have such a young beautiful thing like her even think of me in that way. But I can never let it go beyond a friendship. The reasons you have given are plenty but there is also the question of work. It would compromise our unit. I'm already nearly accused of favouring her - imagine if we dated!. And the friction caused if we broke up!. And anyway, physical attraction aside, it would never work! - because we work together. It will never happen! I assure you!" Grissom explained.  
  
Sara's mom smiled and said, "I'm glad to hear it. I can see why Sara respects you so much. It's just that as a mother my wish is for her to settle down with a lovely man her own age. Your nearly old enough to be her father!".  
  
"You have no worries" Grissom smiled and touched Libby's hand.  
  
At that moment, Sara barged in through the front door.  
  
"Mom - They didn't have your-". She froze when she saw Grissom. "Grissom!" she said softly.  
  
"I'm sorry. I realise you don't want to mix your work and your family but you left your cell phone behind and I didn't know your mother was here. She insisted I come in" Grissom explained.  
  
"I bet she did" Sara snarled looking at her mother who just shrugged. "Well, you're here now aren't you!", Sara snapped quite angrily, "What have you been talking about?".  
  
"I was just telling Grissom how I was mugged and how I hope that the local CSI's are as good as you lot, dear" replied Libby defensively.  
  
"Oh. Is that all?" Sara said.  
  
"Basically" her mom replied and gave Grissom a smile and a wink. 


	4. Out of character

Two nights later, Sara's mom had returned home despite Sara's pleas. Sara, Grissom, Catherine and Nick sat relaxing in the break room as it neared midnight. Sara and Nick sat playing cards. Grissom sat doing a crossword puzzle and had been in an unusually good mood ever since meeting Sara's mother. And Catherine sat reading a newspaper.  
  
"I won!" Nick gloated at Sara as he slammed down his final card.  
  
Sara sat flabbergasted at being beaten.  
  
"You must have cheated!" she retaliated.  
  
"Moi!" Nick sniggered.  
  
"You did didn't you!" she reacted.  
  
Sara stormed over to another chair, grabbed a magazine and read it sulking. Nick laughed and left the room gloating. Catherine and Grissom exchanged an amused look. Grissom searched in his bag and retrieved some envelopes. He opened the first one and looked intrigued. He read it for while and then paused to think to himself smiling.  
  
"Sara?" he asked.  
  
"A ha" Sara looked up inquisitively.  
  
"What's Tamales Bay like?" he asked amused.  
  
"Well - er - beautiful!. Why?" she replied.  
  
"I've been asked to speak at a convention near there in 2 months. I was thinking of looking round the area" he answered.  
  
She went back to reading her magazine while commenting  
  
"Well lucky you. It's a beautiful area your enjoy it".  
  
"Would you like to come?" he asked.  
  
"Me?" she echoed.  
  
"Yes. Catherine, you too!. I want two of my best CSIs on board. And who better to show us round Tamales Bay than you Sara" he responded.  
  
"Sara was brought up in Tamales Bay, Catherine" Grissom commented to Catherine.  
  
"Oh" Catherine replied interested.  
  
"Sure" Sara replied half excited but half reluctant.  
  
Grissom looked at Catherine. "Sure - as long as I can find someone to watch Lindsay" she replied.  
  
"That's agreed then. I'll sign us up. Are you all o.k with us staying in Tamales Bay?" he asked.  
  
"But I thought you said it wasn't in Tamales Bay?" Sara noted. "I know it's not in Tamales Bay but it's near enough to drive from Tamales everyday with no worry. Sara, seeing as you're the expert, do you know any good B&B's in Tamales?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Are you serious?" she replied worriedly.  
  
"Why not?. We need a place to stay - it's a beautiful place. I'm sure you'd love to see your parents and your mother and I got along so well when she came to stay - I'd love to see her again.and we're friends aren't we Sara? - and friends are fascinated to meet other friend's parents and see where their friends grew up. I'd be fascinated - and I'm sure Catherine would too". Catherine shrugged. Catherine and Sarah were both quite shocked at Grissom's unusual behaviour.  
  
"You'd end up abominated more like!. Even as a child I didn't bring friends home often because I was so embarrassed of my home!" Sara retorted.  
  
"Your embarrassed of your parents?. I've met your mother already she's great - Quirky I admit! - but I don't think any less of anyone for it!. She is delightful!" Grissom replied.  
  
"Yeah she's liveable - that was only one of them!. You don't want to meet the rest of Camp Cuckoo!" she panicked.  
  
"Camp Cuckoo?. Do they live in a Camp?. Is it really called that?" Catherine asked.  
  
"No!. It's a nickname some of us have for it - it's technically a collection of houses close together in a wood - but it's also technically a 'community' - and your unlikely to not meet the rest of them - aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and lunatics - some of them are o.k though. But some you wouldn't want to meet more than 1 at a time - and my parents make 2 at a time!" Sarah explained panicked. Grissom shrugged.  
  
"Their nothing like me!. That's in my past!. My life is nothing like that!. I was never really like that!" she explained.  
  
"That's why I'm so intrigued!" Grissom replied intrigued. He continued "You know what, Sara. I don't know much about your family or your childhood - but I do know that most of the time I see you with them or talk about them or 'it' - your face tends to glow up and you tend to smile. You look happiest when you talk about your family or childhood - How can I not be intrigued by what make Sara Sidle happy?".  
  
Sara was flattered and gave it consideration.  
  
"Well, I do love them. And I had loads of happy times as a child. But their still weird if you don't grow up like I did - it's seems really strange - but I suppose I can hide you from the worst of it".  
  
Sara looked worriedly into thin air as she thought for a while. She'd gone pale but Grissom wouldn't back down. Sara sighed.  
  
"Alright - you can - I suppose they'd love to see me" said Sara.  
  
Sara got up and walked out bemused.  
  
Catherine turned and looked at Grissom.  
  
"What was all that about?" Catherine asked. Grissom smirked and picked up his crossword again.  
  
Catherine thought to her self.  
  
"You fancy her mother don't you!. Grissom!" she commented.  
  
"No!. Of course not!. She's married!" he replied.  
  
"So?" asked Catherine.  
  
Grissom smirked behind his crossword again.  
  
"Why are you in such a good mood anyway?" asked Catherine.  
  
Grissom smiled and put down the crossword.  
  
"You really want to know Catherine?. Because of recent days I have glimpsed into the intrigue that is Sara Sidle" he replied.  
  
"You do fancy her mother don't you!. I know that look in your eye!" Catherine asked amused.  
  
"That's not what this is about, Catherine. Firstly, Sara is an intriguing person. You must agree - she is amazing!. Her determinism, her passion, her whole essence. And secondly, I want to see into the mind of Sara Sidle for professional reasons - by meeting her parents I can begin to understand her as a person, as a worker, and I am doing just as you told me to - I'm taking myself from down the microscope and looking around my team around me" he said.  
  
"And will you be intruding on all our lives - Nick?, Warrick?, Mine?. Even the lab techs?" she semi joked.  
  
"All the rest of you don't get as emotional as Sara over so many cases - certain cases!" he replied.  
  
"Oh no Grissom! - Your not suggesting!" Catherine asked.  
  
"I'd never narrow my possibilities down to so little! - that could end up biasing my work!" Grissom replied.  
  
"Your work?" Catherine replied not liking the sound of this.  
  
"I'm not presuming anything!. I'm simply exploring Sara Sidle's character. And exploring possibilities!" he said.  
  
"Grissom you can't! - you can't go invading her privacy!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"She's agreed - hasn't she?" Grissom commented.  
  
"What has got into you?. What are you going to do once you've 'explored' her childhood?. Are you going to track down everyone one of her ex's and interrogate them?" Catherine said half joking but quite worried. Grissom laughed and left.  
  
"That can't be good work or even leadership protocol!" Catherine commented when Grissom had left.  
  
Catherine sighed and put her hands in her face. 


	5. Alaney

Sara Sidle was going to be late for work. She was rushing round trying to find her keys. Just as she found them there was a knock at her door.  
  
"Oh gees! I don't have time for visitors!" Sara muttered to herself.  
  
She opened the door to reveal a tall blond teenage girl who looked aged sixteen at least. The girl was a cross between modern and hippy. She wore a modern top with strappy shoes but a flowery drab skirt. She had long blonde hair with part of it twisted in pieces to behind her head. Her jewellery was a mix between modern and hippy.  
  
"Alaney!", Sara exclaimed, "what are you doing here?".  
  
Before the girl could answer Sara interrupted her in her rush,  
  
"Oh gees Alaney! I don't have much time to talk.you come to visit?. Where's Auntie Miranda?. Is she not coming?. How long you staying?. You want to stay here?. That's cool - umm - just make your self at home but I've got to go to work right now. We'll catch up later o.k?" Sara exclaimed as she was about to go out the door.  
  
She pushed Alaney into the apartment and proceeded to pass her to go out the door. She kissed Alaney on the cheek as a goodbye. The girl had up until now looked quite worried and stressed, but Sara had failed to take much notice in her hurry. But at this Alaney burst into tears.  
  
"Sara!", she exclaimed, "it's not that simple.we need to talk!".  
  
Sara stopped, turned back to Alaney and put an arm around her .  
  
"Alaney what's wrong?. It's not my mom is it?. Is she alright?" Sara enquired worried.  
  
"No, your mom's fine!. Sara!. Miranda's deserted me!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"What?. What do you mean?. Have you two had a fight?. Don't worry she doesn't mean it!. I'll call her tonight and we can sort it" Sara proposed.  
  
"No Sara you don't understand!. We haven't had a fight!. Nothing even happened!. She even said she still loved me as much as she every had!. But she said that's not my mum and she couldn't take on that role anymore - and she's gone away somewhere!. I don't know where and no one knows!" sobbed Alaney.  
  
"But why can't she!. Is she ill?" demanded Sara.  
  
"No! I asked her that! She said she'd been planning this for ages - she said planned that once I was 18 she was going to stop looking after me!. Sara!. First my parents don't want me and now Miranda!. She's basically my mum and now she says she wants to stop!?!. What's wrong with me?!?" Alaney sobbed.  
  
Sara hugged Alaney.  
  
"No No.I'm sure it's not like that!. Your parents don't necessarily not love you.and I know Miranda loved you a lot.you were her own!. I can't believe she'd do this!. What's her game!. She agreed to look after you!. She can't just drop a child, one day!. Oh gees!. So why have you come here?. You live in camp cuckoo, so why not go stay with someone there?" said Sara.  
  
"What?. Like your parents!. Sara that place scares me!. It's so dangerous! - I've never been very happy living there. Do you really want me there?!" answered Alaney.  
  
Sara thought to herself. No! she didn't!.  
  
"What about Daven?. Or someone else!. What do you want from me, Alaney?. Because I can tell you straightaway that I can't be your new mother figure!. I have a job to think about!. And I'm single.and it's just not good news!. There millions of reasons why I CAN'T!" protested Sara.  
  
"I don't know what I want from you Sara!. All I know is that Miranda dropped me off outside your door and told me that I had to stay with you from now on.this is not my idea!. I know you don't like it!. But.but." whined Alaney.  
  
Alaney then burst into tears before finishing the sentence, "but I just want to be loved Sara!. I just want someone to want me!. And I'm not saying that has to be you - but for now you're all I've got!" Alaney sobbed.  
  
Alaney tried to be comforted in Sara's arms but this time Sara pushed her away.  
  
"I can't look after you Alaney!. I don't have the resources! The time!. I'm not good with kids!" whined Sara.  
  
"I'm not a kid!. I'm 18!" whined Alaney.  
  
"Your right!. Your 18!. That's it!. You don't need looking after! - you can live by yourself! - do you want money?" said Sara.  
  
Sara opened her purse, got her cheque book out, wrote a cheque and threw it at Alaney as Alaney sobbed.  
  
"I don't think I can, Sara!. I don't have the skills! - I'm going to university next year, I was just taking a year off then your be rid of me then!" sobbed Alaney.  
  
"NO! I CAN'T LOOK AFTER YOU ALANEY!!!. How do you plan to live at university by your self next year if you can't now? - what would you have done if you'd gone this year?" Sara demanded.  
  
Alaney sobbed "Before you live by yourself you need to learn how to look after yourself - and I won't be alone - I'll probably have a room mate or at least fellow home leavers to help me get by - and usually you don't live alone all year - you know all this Sara! - and also when you go home to see your caregivers - well - well! Skills and money aren't all I need Sara!. I also need love!. I just want SOMEONE to love me!. Someone I can call home!. And camp cuckoo is just too dangerous - especially without proper protection. Miranda said today before she left me that she didn't want me to live anyway near Camp cuckoo. Miranda kept me protected from all the extreme dangers - and now she's gone I'm vulnerable!. I just don't know what to do Sara!. My head is such a mess!".  
  
"Why would Aunt Miranda dump you on me?. What's the cow trying to do to me?. To you?. What have I ever done to spite her?. Your not my responsibility so why is she punishing me like this?!. Why is she doing this to me?. My life was fine - why would she want to hurt me? Hurt my life?. I thought she was o.k looking after you!. I can't look after you! I can't give you the love you need - and she knows that!. I'm not good with kids!. Even though your not one!. But I don't even have maternal instinct, Alaney!" exclaimed Sara.  
  
"I think that's why she sent me to you!" sobbed Alaney.  
  
"What?!" asked Sara.  
  
"When Daven came and saw you last month and told you he had got some girl pregnant - You mentioned to him you didn't want kids ever - and he told everyone - and he's worried and everyone's worried - and I think they think that your want kids if you become my mother figure!" explained Alaney.  
  
"I can't!. What are they thinking?. Wait! what about Daven he could look after you!. Ask him!. He's only a fireman and he's having a kid anyway - so no difference!" said Sara.  
  
"I asked him before I came up to your flat - he said No!. He said why couldn't you - and I said your not the type - and he said it was a good idea you look after me then and become the type!. He said there was no way he would take me and he'd risk falling out with us both over it - it felt that strongly!" sobbed Alaney.  
  
"Nooo!! - why is he doing this to me?. How dare they!. It's their fault you came about in the first place, not mine - your not my responsibility - you're the community's!!" said Sara.  
  
"Miranda did give us one other option though!" said Alaney.  
  
"What?", Sara asked excitedly, "Anything!. I'll do anything!".  
  
"Well thanks Sara!. Thanks for letting me know how much you don't want me!" Alaney said.  
  
Sara said sorry and Laney continued,  
  
"Miranda said to come to you and either you could look after me or. Or you would tell me who and where my natural parents were and I'd live with one of them or both" answered Alaney.  
  
"What?. No way!. I'd prefer to look after you myself than have you find out!" Sara exclaimed disappointed and angry.  
  
"Why?. Is it really worth it Sara?. You'd really rather keep me than I know - how bad can it be?" exclaimed Alaney.  
  
"They don't want you Alaney!. So it doesn't matter who they are!" exclaimed Sara.  
  
"Gees! Thanks for putting it so sensitively Sara!. How do know they don't want me?. Do they live in camp cuckoo?. Or are you just guessing?. I bet you don't even know!" said Alaney.  
  
"Alaney! What do you plan to do?. Knock on their door out the blue and say hey you don't know me and you didn't want me but can I live with you?!?. Do you realise how much trouble I'm in for the fact you even know I MIGHT know who your parents are?!?!?. There is no way I'm telling you more - it's not worth it" Sara exclaimed angrily.  
  
Sara paused and sighed and placed an arm round Alaney back again. "Sweetheart.you wouldn't want to know!" said Sara. Alaney brushed her off and got up saying,  
  
"Fine then.I have only 2 options left.either I live by myself or I go stay at camp cuckoo.I'll probably be dead before the year's out!".  
  
"Ohhh!. Fine stay here for now!. I need to think what to do with you" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Oh my goodness!!!!", Sara exclaimed, "Work! I'm so late for work!!!. I've got to go! We'll discuss this later!. For now make yourself at home!". Sara grabbed her stuff together and begun running out.  
  
"Thank you!. Thank you!. Hey Sara!. How about this?. You let me stay for 2 weeks and teach me the tricks of living alone and then I go!. That's all I ask!" exclaimed Alaney happily jumpy about.  
  
"I don't have the time to teach you!. And as you said.you need love! - But! - I need time to think about this before I conclude anything!. I need to get Miranda to speak to me about this.oh but Alaney!. I can't imagine looking after you!" Sara exclaimed and ran out the door. 


	6. A fear of water

Sara got to work as soon as she could.  
  
"Where have you been? You're late!" shouted Grissom.  
  
Grissom and Catherine were walking up.  
  
"I know, I know! I'm sorry! I had a family emergency!" Sara fumbled.  
  
"Is it your mom?" Grissom asked concerned.  
  
"No! No! - Oh Grissom! - My life is over!. My life was just too perfect - I knew it would come to bite me!" Sara broke into floods of tears.  
  
"Come on! Come on! - You're in no state to work! Go home!. Do you want to talk first?. Do you want to come in my office?" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara looked at him. They'd all have to know about Alaney anyway if she stayed - and it didn't really matter if they knew about her.  
  
"Can I talk to you both?. Or Catherine at least?" Sara asked.  
  
"Me?" Catherine asked. Sara nodded.  
  
"All 3 of us can talk - we have 45 minutes maximum though".  
  
They all sat in Grissom's office. Catherine and Grissom eager to know what was wrong.  
  
"When I was fourteen, this newborn baby just suddenly appeared one day in our community. No one wanted to own up to knowing who the parents were and ever since there has been various rumours as to her paternity and how she came to be dumped on our community. She became the community's responsibility and for a while she was passed from family to family and friend to friend but eventually my aunt Miranda agreed to take her in as her own - everything was fine - until today! - her name is Alaney - she's 18. Well, she turned up on my doorstep today!. Miranda has abandoned her and dumped her on me!. There's no one else who can look after her!. Only me!. But I can't be a mother figure!. I wouldn't know where to begin!. I don't have the time! the skills! the patience! - I don't even have a maternal instinct!. But it looks like it will have to be me and it's going to ruin my life! - MY LIFE IS OVER!!" sobbed Sara.  
  
"Can't your parents look after her instead if your so upset?" suggested Grissom.  
  
"NO!. It's too dangerous!. The place where we grew up is just too dangerous - she should never have been there in the first place now I think about it!. But now she's older - it's just more and more dangerous!. She can't stay anywhere in camp cuckoo!" rebuked Sara.  
  
Grissom and Catherine looked concerned at each other. Catherine took Sara's hand and said  
  
"Having kids is wonderful - I'm sure in no time you will be reaping the advantages!. It's the best feeling in the world having a kid. Just the way they look at you makes it all worthwhile!".  
  
"Catherine, I'm not like you. It's different for you. You had nine months to decide. I have had no time!. You wanted a child!. I don't want a child. I wouldn't get pregnant!. If I did, well frankly I'd abort it! - That is how strongly I feel about this!. I'm a career woman - I don't have time for kids!" argued Sara.  
  
"I'm in just the same career as you, Sara - and admittedly maybe I don't have as much time for Lindsay as she needs - but I still cope, Sara - I cope in this job and so can you!" suggested Catherine.  
  
"I don't want to cope!" screamed Sara.  
  
"Well tough!", shouted Catherine quite annoyed, "Your all you, you, you Sara!. We're talking about a human being here!. A girl who's never felt she had a place - and all you can think about is your luxuries, Sara - when she's fighting for her survival!. If you're the only choice Sara then you have no choice. I'm sorry to be so blunt Sara - but get over yourself sweetie!. But! - I can assure you it isn't all sacrifice - the advantages will out weigh the cons - just wait and see! - now I'm sorry but I've got to go get on with my work - I hope you make the right decision" Catherine reacted.  
  
Catherine stormed out.  
  
"She thinks I'm terrible - and I am - I'm a terrible person - which is why I can't look after a child!. She's fragile and needs a stable love and care over her - and I can't give it to her" Sara sobbed.  
  
Grissom took Sara's hand and looked her in the eye.  
  
"I know it will be hard Sara - but I can understand how you feel - I'm a man - and it's always happening in the movies isn't it!. The kid turns up on some career orientated bachelor's doorstep one day and announces they are their child and they move in and rearrange the dad's life - but in the end they prefer the child. And when the child came the father didn't run about shouting 'Turn the child away'. I don't mean to be against you, Sara, I'm just saying calm down. Take a jump and dive into this situation - It sounds like you have no choice!. So accept it!" Grissom said.  
  
Grissom paused and said "What's that Nicholas Cage movie I saw?. He wakes up one day to find he has a family instead of being a rich bachelor. It's like what I'm saying!. He chooses his family!. What's it called?" Grissom said.  
  
"You mean 'Family man'?. You watched that?. But Grissom that is the movies - all fairytales and niceness" replied Sara.  
  
"This could be really good for your career actually!. Remember how I said that you needed something outside work to make sure everything isn't personal - and I said Catherine had Lindsay - well now you could have Alaney!. Perfect!" Grissom said.  
  
"It is not perfect!" Sara shouted.  
  
For one of the few times in his life Grissom didn't know what else to say. So Sara continued,  
  
"It isn't just the practicalities. I mean she is 18 and she can basically look after herself - and technically I have the money - and that's the one thing I don't mind giving her!. And she's going to university next year so she won't be staying more than till September - the practicals aren't really the problem".  
  
Sara paused, took a deep breath and continued "I'm scared! - I'm scared because of something else!".  
  
"I knew there was something else" Grissom added intrigued.  
  
Sara turned to Grissom and looked him in the eye. She knew she couldn't say too much.  
  
"I'm scared! - Scared that I might fall in love with her!" Sara said.  
  
"What's wrong with falling in love with her?. That's great!. See you do have maternal instinct!" Grissom added.  
  
"I'm scared I'll fall in love with her and she'll take over my life - and I won't be able to give her up - she won't just go to university and that's it - I'll want to keep her coming home to me - and she wants that!. And - And - I'm scared I'll fall in love with her and I'll end up telling her who her parents are just to make her happy - and - everyone - especially my parents!. Will kill me for telling her!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"But why?. Why does it matter?. What's it even got to do with your parents?" said Grissom.  
  
"It's complicated - but I just can't tell her - it may ruin everything for everyone - it may break up their community - and my parents would kill me!. And even if I told Alaney who her parents were - which I would end up doing if I love her too much!. Then she may end up hating people or being unhappy from the news!" said Sara.  
  
"On top of that - I'm scared that if I fall too much in love with her then I'll want to compromise my career for her - for example, I may be late sometimes - all because of a problem she's caused" said Sara.  
  
"Sara, I'd understand. Catherine has a daughter and I understand that - and anyway Sara - you already have relationships in your life which can cause you problems - you didn't choose your mum's bad health but it affects your work attendance - but I understand - because it's natural - and because it can happen to anyone of us!" Grissom said.  
  
"I can't tell you what to do Sara - and I don't know if you'll fall in love with her or not - I can only give you advice as a friend - and my advice is - jump in the deep end and give it a go" Grissom concluded.  
  
He finished by looking her straight in the eyes, concerned.  
  
"It's more complicated than you or Catherine understand - but I have no choice - I've got to take her in!" said Sara.  
  
There was silence for a few seconds as she gathered her thoughts.  
  
"Now, do you want me to drive you home?" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara nodded. She wasn't in a state to drive any further. 


	7. Great expectations

When they approached Sara's apartment, Grissom and Sara could hear loud music pumping. It wasn't exactly heavy metal but it was loud enough to be a nuisance!. Sara stormed in shouting  
  
"Alaney!. Alaney!. Turn that rubbish down!!!".  
  
The music stopped and Alaney appeared out a bedroom.  
  
"Well, that rubbish is your c.d!. What are you doing back so early?. I have had such a good idea about us, Sara!. Oh!"  
  
Alaney stopped talking when she noticed Grissom next to Sara.  
  
"We have visitors!. Hello I'm Alaney!" she said as she offered her hand to Grissom.  
  
"Gil Grissom" Grissom said as he shook it.  
  
Sara continued shouting,  
  
"Alaney - this isn't camp cuckoo!!. This is a residential area - you can't play music at that level round here!". "You sound like her mother already" Grissom joked.  
  
Sara turned and gave Grissom an evil stare that quite shocked him. Sara Sidle had never looked so annoyed at him. Maybe it was an inappropriate joke to make.  
  
"I was too upset to work - so my boss drove me home" Sara told Alaney matter of factly.  
  
"Sorry! - but Oh Sara! - sit down! We need to talk!. First, breath!. I realise this has all been quite a shock. Secondly, I have gone about this in all the wrong way and I've been thinking - I don't need a mother figure!. I'm just asking we be roomies - Like you be my big sister. You won't even need to spend any money on me - because I'll get a job!" Alaney explained.  
  
Sara sat and took Alaney's hand,  
  
"You don't need to get a job. I'll give you all the money you need. And as for the roomies thing - well, it sounds a brilliant idea to me. I've always wanted a sister!" Sara said and smiled.  
  
Sara and Alaney hugged. Sara turned to Grissom and said  
  
"Do you want to stay for a drink, Grissom?".  
  
"Well I really should be joining Catherine - but hey! I need a drink after all this drama!" Grissom replied animated.  
  
"I'm only offering you a non alcoholic drink Grissom!. Your on duty!" Sara joked.  
  
"Coffee please" Grissom replied.  
  
Grissom noticed that Sara was smiling quite happily to herself now. He could see that secretly she wanted Alaney. Sara went and made a drink, leaving Grissom and Alaney alone to talk.  
  
Alaney smiled at Grissom and he noticed those same welcoming eyes Sara's mother had. "The so called 'camp cuckoo' must be a nice place" Grissom thought to himself - all the people visiting from there were warm, welcoming and pleasant. Alaney begun to make conversation,  
  
"So Mr Grissom. Do you enjoy being a CSI?. The way Sara talks about it - Well, it sounds fascinating!".  
  
"Well, I enjoy it - but I don't know what other jobs are like!" Grissom replied animated. Sara returned with three cups on a tray.  
  
"Well, it all sounds so fascinating to me!. I can't wait to be a CSI!" Alaney commented. At this Sara nearly dropped her tray - she definitely looked shocked.  
  
"What?. You want to be a CSI!. I didn't know this!", Sara said shocked but not particularly ecstatic, "Since when?".  
  
"Since ever! - you must have guessed! - I'm always borrowing Sara's CSI literature when I see her - and I've always asked you non stop about being one" Alaney replied.  
  
Sara was gob smacked.  
  
"I thought you were just showing an interest. I suppose I never really took any notice!" Sara replied, almost to herself.  
  
"I'm used to it!" Alaney muttered angrily.  
  
"What is it about being a CSI that attracts you, Alaney?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Well, umm - I love science!. I love detective stories - you know their puzzles!. I have no fear of dead people or blood - and frankly, when Sara talks about it - it sounds so interesting!. And Sara's a CSI - and - well, I look up to her!. She's like my hero!. She was the most successful person in our community, you know the first one of the hippies' kids to go to university - let alone Harvard!" Alaney replied.  
  
Sara was gob smacked again. Someone looked up to her?. Idolized her?. And Alaney of all people!. Sara felt quite guilty now - she didn't realise how much Alaney liked her. Sara thought back - maybe Alaney did follow her round more than the other kids. Maybe Sara never noticed because she sometimes had a soft spot for Alaney - or because Sara was so used to not being too interested and pushing away the kids so much younger than her. She played with them sometimes - but never enough!. In truth, her moods were like a see saw with them - sometimes she loved them and sometimes she couldn't stand them. But she'd always had a soft spot for Alaney (even if she didn't show it!) because Alaney was like an orphan!.  
  
"Sara, are you alright?. Gees! You look so shocked!" Alaney asked.  
  
Sara snapped out of it.  
  
"What university are you thinking of going to?" Sara asked.  
  
"Harvard!" Alaney said proudly.  
  
Sara didn't look so pleased - in fact she looked rather pale.  
  
"Excuse me, I need to go get a glass of water" Sara excused herself as she run out the room.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Alaney asked.  
  
"I think maybe she's used to be the best, the 'successful' one from where you come from. Maybe she thinks you may de-value that. Maybe?" Grissom suggested.  
  
"Oh dear!. That's not what I mean to do!" Alaney said.  
  
Sara returned with her glass of water and looking a bit better.  
  
"Sorry about that" she declared.  
  
"Do you think your good enough for Harvard?. Or do you just want to be like Sara?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Oh no! I have a good shot - it's my interview next week" Alaney replied.  
  
"Alaney, can I ask what you've been doing in this year off of yours?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Nothing!. Relaxing!. Chilling!" Alaney casually replied.  
  
Sara choked on her water. Grissom wasn't surprised he had a feeling that was the case.  
  
"You can't do nothing then expect to get into college - let alone Harvard!. What were you thinking?!" Sara protested.  
  
"Didn't your guidance counsellor or careers person - whatever their called - didn't they tell you that was a bad idea?" asked Grissom.  
  
"I didn't see her after the first time - she's horrible!. The first time I saw her she called me a gipsy and told me gipsy scum like me would never get into Harvard - that's kind of why I didn't apply to colleges till this year. I didn't want to deal with her again!" Alaney replied with attitude.  
  
"Well a)Your nothing like a gypsy - you don't even move base, so how can you be?. Plus we live in houses!. B) The stupid cow is terrible and should be sacked!. But c) Your hurting yourself not her, Alaney!. Colleges particularly prestigious ones will look at your doing nothing all year as a major con in your potential application - do you understand what we're saying?" Sara said.  
  
"You mean I won't be able to go to college at all?!!" Alaney panicked.  
  
Sara looked as panicked as Alaney did, but Grissom remained calmer.  
  
"Alaney. Sara, it's alright - we can sort this. Your lucky. You have contacts!" Grissom said.  
  
"Of course!. You can put a good word in for me!. Make them take me!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"No, No! it's not that easy! you need to do something with this year off of yours - and the best way - practically the only way left! - Is if you intern in a CSI department - and which one do you live nearest to?. Your going to join our team as a intern!" Grissom suggested.  
  
"What?!" Sara replied gob smacked.  
  
"That's brilliant!. You serious?. Oh-mi-god!. Thank you! Thank you! thank you!. It's going to be amazing!" Alaney exclaimed throwing her arms round Grissom.  
  
Grissom wasn't used to such attention but adjusted and took it well - even breaking out in a smile.  
  
"Grissom can I have a word with you outside please?" Sara demanded before storming off out the door.  
  
Grissom gave Alaney a comical "I'm in trouble look!" and went to meet Sara.  
  
"What are thinking, Grissom?. You don't even know her how can you know she's suitable to intern in one of the best crime labs in the country?. She's 18!. And I know her better than you!. She has a mouth bigger than Canada - do you realise she'll be back chatting all the suspects?. She's be immature and making immature jokes" Sara asserted.  
  
"Sara! You back chat the suspects!. And Greg, Warrick and Nick make plenty of immature jokes" Grissom added.  
  
"But she's worse!. Imagine us 14 years before - you think we're bad! - you want till you hear a 18 year old" said Sara.  
  
It seemed like Sara was either scared Alaney would get her in trouble - or she didn't want Alaney at her work.  
  
"Sara do you trust me?" asked Grissom. Sara nodded.  
  
"Sara, I can imagine very well what Alaney is like. She's an adult now and so I think she's be alright. I'm not saying she won't lack the maturity of a CSI - but she isn't one!. And this is going to be great for her Sara - imagine getting that kind of experience at her age" Grissom said.  
  
"She'll probably take it for granted!" Sara said.  
  
"Sara, I know what I'm letting myself in for - she reminds me of a young Sara Sidle - sort of - except she has dollops more confidence and energy!. Where does she get that energy from?. And if you think Sara Sidle back chats and gets emotional now - then you should have seen her when she was first starting out as a CSI!. But I could see something special in that Miss Sidle - a rare potential and I knew that with more experience and years on her age that she would be an amazing CSI and I wasn't wrong then - I see a similar potential in Alaney - she isn't the same as you, but I still see unique talent in her passion" Grissom said animated.  
  
Sara stopped and smile. She sighed and said,  
  
"Thanks! Thanks for giving her this chance! I appreciate it! - and I'll make sure she doesn't muck up" Said Sara. 


	8. The new girl

The gang all sat round in the break room waiting for their assignments. Nick & Warrick were waiting to find out who this young girl was. Especially Nick who had the hots for her!.  
  
"Who's the hottie?. I wonder how old she is?. She looks too young for me" he thought to himself.  
  
Grissom introduced Alaney finally  
  
"This is Alaney Rose. I may as well tell you now that she's Sara's cousin and she's staying with Sara until she goes off to college next year after what's left of her year out. She's hoping to go to Harvard. For now she's going to be joining us as our new intern. We haven't had an intern in a long time so I hope you all share in my excitement and don't see this as a babysitting assignment - anyone thinking of leaving Alaney alone - I have 2 words for you - Holly Gribbs!".  
  
"I certainly won't leave her alone!...the rest of you better not either! - or your face me!" Sara threatened.  
  
"As I was trying to say.I hope you make her feel welcome!" Grissom said.  
  
Warrick and Nick both said hi and Catherine shook Alaney's hand as she was glad to finally be introduced to Alaney after Grissom said she was joining them.  
  
"Now, assignments.Alaney will be accompanying Sara, Me and Catherine to a dead body found in an alley.Sorry Alaney but I think it's good for everyone to see a dead body on their first day" Grissom said.  
  
"I don't care.I don't have a problem with blood or death or anything.I've seen death, blood and gool a lot.I see a lot of drug overdoses.and my mum used to show me a lot of videos or pictures of the effects of violence, war and guns.I'm fine with goo" Alaney replied.  
  
Sara sunk in her seat with her hand on her face in shame.  
  
"Good", Grissom said.  
  
"It's not that easy Alaney!" Sara said.  
  
"Warrick and Nick, I want you to work on a suspected sexual abuse of a child in a school by the one of the teachers" Grissom finished.  
  
"So what do you think of that intern, Alaney? - she's hot isn't she!" asked Greg.  
  
"But I don't think Sara would be too pleased with us swooping round her.and anyway, there's no chance she's only 18!" Nick said.  
  
"No!!. I'd swear she was older - it's the height - must get it from where Sara did" said Greg.  
  
"Don't you know?...she isn't actually Sara's biological cousin!.she was kind of adopted by her aunt.she was abandoned by her parents and Sara's aunt took her in.but now her aunt has abandoned Alaney on Sara's doorstep and Sara's got to watch over her.Sara was not happy.she sees it as being a mother!" said Nick.  
  
"Are you guys really that desperate for a date that you'd consider the first new female to walk through the door.Gees! You guys need to get a life!" Warrick joked.  
  
Greg and Nick both gave Warrick unimpressed looks.  
  
"I have to say though.I'm not happy that she's 18 and has no experience in CSI and she gets to shadow you guys so soon.I went to hell and back to try and shadow you guys and I was a lab technician with age and experience!" Greg said.  
  
"Yeah, well she's Grissom's little angel's cousin!" Warrick said resentfully.  
  
"Yeah, well I think Grissom did the right thing.it's best for the girl's career.she's serious about being a csi..Sara's been through enough - and she must be clever if she's going to Harvard" said Nick.  
  
What they didn't realise was Sara was standing behind them and had heard from the beginning of Warrick's complaint. She cleared her throat to make them aware of her presence.  
  
"You know.I used to go to a girl's School - gossip central!. You guys remind me of that so much!" Sara joked and walked away.  
  
The three guys looked at each other and laughed at themselves.  
  
Grissom was inspecting a kitchen. Sara came over and asked  
  
"What you found?".  
  
"Fingerprints. If this house has been empty for two months then why are there these fingerprints" Grissom said.  
  
Sara got a swab and scooped something up,  
  
"And I think this is blood. Yeap! Bingo!". Sara paused and turned serious and then said  
  
"Umm Grissom.can I have a word about Alaney?...erm.Can you not put me on all Alaney's cases. If you get what I mean?" asked Sara.  
  
"Sara. It's times like these that I worry that the people I spend most of my time with don't seem to know me at all. Do you honestly think that I'm going to put this in front of my professional role as the boss and administrator?...I will put Alaney on whatever case I feel is most suitable. Now I don't know why you don't want Alaney on your cases. But I can tell from your tone that you'd rather she wasn't on any of them - and I know this because ever since day 1 you haven't been listening behind the corner the whole time.keen on her being here. But I suggest you sort it!" Grissom replied.  
  
Alaney had been listening round the corner for the last five minutes. 


	9. Give and take

Later, in the break room Catherine was making conversation with Alaney.  
  
"Are you settling in with Sara, well?" Catherine asked.  
  
"As well as can be expected! - I mean she's never particularly liked me - so it isn't ideal!" said Alaney.  
  
"Surely that's not true!. You must have misunderstood!. She isn't good with kids, but I don't think she has anything against you personally!" Catherine said.  
  
"I swear she does!. She's really strange - always has been. I don't know why I've got to live with the most antisocial person in our community!. But she's not just antisocial - she also has a personal grudge against me, sometimes, for no reason!. Sometimes she'd do everything to avoid me personally - and sometimes I swear she loved me more than any other random kid in our community - I remember once she bought me this necklace out the blue - then another time she bought me this ring out the blue" Alaney reminisced.  
  
"She asked Grissom not to place me on her cases. I overheard them talking" Alaney said miserably.  
  
"What?" Catherine said.  
  
Soon Sara walked in. Catherine watched her behaviour towards Alaney and could tell she was clearly avoiding and even snubbed Alaney. Catherine noticed she didn't like Alaney in her personal space and tried to avoid it happening. And then Sara left and Catherine was gob smacked. "Maybe your right!", Catherine said,  
  
"But why?".  
  
Alaney then decided to discuss with Catherine what had occurred the evening before between Sara and Alaney.  
  
The night before, Sara had been listening to her police scanner waiting to hear the cases that come up. She wasn't scheduled to go to work for another hour and a half but she was bored so she thought she'd do some background research on the cases she heard come up. The first case to come up was that of the shooting of a casino owner. If she could scan the internet for newspaper articles on this casino owner then that would impress Grissom.right?. Sara was in the middle of searching when Alaney came over and started chatting.  
  
"Hey, you don't need to be at work for another hour and half right? - you wanna go for a walk - catch up chat?" Alaney asked.  
  
Sara didn't even look at Alaney when she replied bluntly and almost angrily,  
  
"I can't I'm trying to work here!".  
  
Alaney was disappointed but quickly livened up again when she had a brain wave.  
  
"You want to go to a beauty spa someday next week?. We've hardly seen or spoken to each other since I got here!. I know it's only been two days but - well, it will be a good chance for us to. Are I say - bond!. Plus you need relaxation and recuperation after all the work you do!" Alaney suggested excitedly.  
  
"No thank you" Sara said bluntly, uninterested and annoyed that Alaney was bothering her.  
  
Alaney took this as a direct and personal insult.  
  
"It's the germs, not you - Sara doesn't like beauty spas because she thinks their germ infested" Catherine replied after Alaney had told her.  
  
"Yeah - that's what she said later on. I told her she needed to live a bit!. But anyway, at the time I thought she just didn't want to spend anytime with me - I ended up bursting into tears when I got back to my room - but then the strangest thing happened. Sara was passing my room and heard me crying and she came in - reluctantly though!. Awkwardly! - like she didn't know what to do - she didn't realise she'd made me cry - she said she was so caught up in herself because she'd so used to living in her own world - especially at home - and then she comforted me - she put an arm around me - and said sorry - and said why she didn't like spas - and I told her to get a life - and we laughed - then she said we'd go somewhere else - but then within hours she goes back to hardly speaking to me - it's like we're living around each other - she doesn't want to have a friendship - as far as she's concerned I'm just some kind of lodger!. Well, most of the time!. She probably won't even end up going somewhere with me - she'll make up an excuse!" Laney said. 


	10. Growing

Sara Sidle first begun to realise, about a week after Alaney had come into her life, that it might not be all bad having Alaney around. It might be interesting, maybe even fun, to have Alaney in her life. It was the afternoon and Sara had just woken up after sleeping off a night shift to find Alaney singing and dancing to an advert. Sara laughed.  
  
"Your mad!. I can assure you, sweetheart, if you ever murder someone and need to plead insanity I'll testify that it's true!" Sara joked.  
  
Alaney was shocked and yet relieved. Sara had finally looked at Laney with love in her eyes instead of a look of inconvenience or indifference she usually greeted her with. Sara had even affectionately called her 'sweetheart'. The next time Sara noticed the way she was beginning to feel was later that evening. The pair had the night off and Alaney had suggested a video night would be fun.  
  
"Come on!. I've been here a whole week and we've hardly spent anytime just you and me" Laney pleaded. Sara was hesitant because she didn't want to attach to Alaney. But she couldn't help it when Laney's personality was so inviting.or was it Sara's unconscious desire to be maternal towards her?. Was Sara finding a maternal instinct she never knew she had? - or did she know she had maternal instinct all along?. Did she feel maternal to Alaney?. Or did she just feel the love she'd feel towards a sister? or a friend even?. Maybe it was all of those reasons. But Sara couldn't feel maternal to Laney!. Or could she?. No, there was only 14 years between them!" Sara thought to herself. Sara enjoyed one of the best times she'd had in a long time that night. She had felt so at ease with Laney. The pair had laughed their way through some of the best and worst comedies ever written. But it wasn't until they saw Gladiator, and Sara observed Laney beginning to cry as the main character lost his family, that Sara observed that she was beginning to fall in love with Laney. This is exactly what Sara had wanted to avoid. But instead of running away from this feeling Sara wanted to go with it.it felt really good. So Sara took her own arm and put it round Alaney's shoulders pulling Laney into her to comfort her. And it felt good!. Really good to love Laney!. But by the next morning, Sara was back to her defensive mode again.until the next time Laney's personality evoked Sara to love Laney.  
  
Over the next few days, Sara's likening of Alaney went up and down. Somedays she couldn't help but adore Laney. Other times she couldn't bare to be around her. On this particular day, Sara was fond of Laney. Sara, Nick, Catherine and Grissom were in the lab analysing their findings as Laney watched.  
  
"I think these fibres came from a car seat.look at that texture" Sara indicated to Grissom.  
  
Grissom looked and nodded.  
  
"Can I look?" Laney asked.  
  
"Course" Sara said and placed a hand on Laney's back guiding her down to the microscope.  
  
"Mmm.I agree" Laney said.  
  
"You haven't a clue what I'm talking about do you?" Sara smirked.  
  
Laney went red and admitted shyly "No!".  
  
"Don't worry.your learn all this.don't worry!" Sara said as she patted Laney on the back.  
  
"It might not be all bad having you intern in our lab after all.I can show you my tricks.have someone for me to mentor for once!" Sara said affectionately.  
  
Laney smiled along with Grissom and Catherine.  
  
"Poor Alaney!. I wouldn't subject anyone to Sara's regime of mentoring!" Nick joked.  
  
Catherine, Grissom and Laney smiled as they fully understand what he meant. Sara gave Nick a joking evil stare.  
  
"I'm going to see if Greg has those DNA results yet" Sara said.  
  
Once Sara had finally left Nick said,  
  
"I'm sorry Laney but you've got to admit your Sara can get quite smug at times!" Nick joked.  
  
"Don't I know it!. She's a stuck up little madam.but hey! Only I'm allowed to say that right.I remember she tried tutoring me once in science..it was a disaster! - she just can't understand how no one can get what she gets!. I love her to death but she's a smug cow!. But we've been getting on really well lately" Laney commented.  
  
"Well, I'm glad to hear it.Hey, Laney.would you like to come round some night next week?. I'd like to invite you to dinner" Catherine said.  
  
"Oww lucky you!" Grissom commented.  
  
"I'd love to thank you, Catherine.you've been such a gem to me ever since I've come here, thank you.and you too Grissom.thank you all" Laney said.  
  
Sara returned with triumphant news,  
  
"Greg's found something.your not going to believe who the DNA belongs to!".  
  
They all joined Greg in his lab and heard the results.  
  
Sara, Laney and Catherine had gone to follow some of it up. While Grissom, Nick and Greg stayed behind.  
  
"Oh by the way Greg.remember how you froze when you shadowed us on that bus crash.well I forgot to tell you how Laney's first sighting of a dead body went.she didn't even winced!" Nick said smugly.  
  
Greg gave him an unimpressed smile.  
  
"She was amazing.I knew she was strong willed when I met her.I knew she could handle field work.she's very sensible out there.I just hope she's the same in interviews.got a tongue on her just like her cousin.but we can always put that to good use" Grissom commented and smirked.  
  
Greg and Nick each gave each other an amused look.  
  
"No!. You know what I mean!. Guys she's practically a baby!. I would never make that kind of joke about her! - or ever!" Grissom defended.  
  
"I still think it's unfair. She's eighteen!. She hasn't had any college experience" Greg protested.  
  
"Oh didn't I tell you?", Grissom commented as he looked up from his microscope, "she did the first year of a criminalist degree last year of high school.but she quit so she could apply for Harvard next year".  
  
"Clever girl!" Nick commented. 


	11. Dinner at Catherine's

Catherine, Lindsay and Alaney sat round the table having a formal dinner.  
  
"Alaney is that how you pronounce your name?" Lindsay tried to repeat.  
  
"Alaney!. Just call me Laney - it's the shortened version" Laney replied in a friendly tone.  
  
Unlike Sara, Laney seemed to be great with kids and great with Lindsay. Lindsay loved Laney and hardly got to see mummy's workmates.  
  
"That's a really unusual name Alaney - do you know where it's origin?" Catherine asked.  
  
"I don't know my parentage. I don't even know who named me - but I can make a pretty good guess as to where my name came from and it's not exotic!" Laney replied.  
  
Catherine urged her on.  
  
"Well, listen to it - lane plus there's a sounds pattern like alley - the first part sounds like AL plus LAY - Al - lay. Then Al - Lane are quite similar, basically my point is it's a mixture of Alley and Lane - it's just them squashed together - and add a 'y' on the end to make it a 'e' sound. The people who named me may have known or guessed I was born in a Alley or a Lane. So they called me Alaney. It even sounds like just 'A lane' with an e at the end" Alaney explained.  
  
"That's tragic!" Catherine empathised.  
  
"Not so exotic now you say that. I thought it was beautiful name!" Lindsay commented.  
  
Laney and Lindsay laughed, and Catherine soon joined in after snapping out her sympathy.  
  
"Anyway, change of subject!. How you settling in with Sara now?. She seems to have warmed to you!. I'm so glad!" Catherine said.  
  
"It's getting so much better. iSometimes I even get the impression she might like me!i. No! the majority of the time now she's great!. We have a blast!. Plus she's becoming quite mumsy - you know doing mom stuff like wiping cream from around my mouth. Or nagging me to wake up!. Well actually she kind of did those things before being nicer - but she does them with a smile often now - like she's actually enjoying it!. But her being mumsy is kind of scary - I've never really thought of her in that way!. Of course, she could never be a proper mother figure to me - there's not enough years between us for her to have that amount of authority. Oh but she makes me tidy my room! - but I suppose it is her house!" said Laney, with some sarcasm in there.  
  
Catherine and Lindsay laughed reminiscing of how they were like that sometimes.  
  
Sara had been relieved, at first, to be rid of Laney. I mean Sara knew it was fun having Laney around but felt she needed some time alone. She hadn't had hardly a moment to herself since Laney had arrived. Laney had took over her life. Sara now sat staring at the clock waiting for Laney to return home. She was suppose to be here ten minutes ago!. Sara had tried to read a book when she returned home - but she missed Laney too much. She tried to watch some television - but she missed Laney too much. Sara couldn't find pleasure in any activity now - she missed Laney too much. What had come over her?. This is the girl she had dreaded having to let into her life. Sara had done fine without Laney in her life - so why couldn't she cope now?. Sara looked at the clock again. Laney was fifteen minutes late. Where were they?!?. Sara knew she should have picked Laney up herself but Catherine insisted she drop her home herself. At that point, there was a knock at the door. Sara rushed over and was relieved to find Laney, Catherine and Lindsay behind it.  
  
"Finally!" Sara exclaimed relieved.  
  
"You missed me?" Laney asked surprised but pleased.  
  
Laney rushed past Sara to her room after exclaiming to Catherine,  
  
"Thanks Cath.I had a great evening!".  
  
Sara looked at Catherine and Lindsay asking,  
  
"Would you guys like to stay for drink?. I have some milkshake Laney made me buy if you want to have some Lindsay?" Sara said.  
  
"What flavour?. Yes, please!" said Lindsay rushing past Sara and into her apartment.  
  
"Thanks!. Just ten minutes though because madam over there needs to get to bed at sometime!" Catherine replied.  
  
Catherine took a look at Sara for a moment and then exclaimed,  
  
"See I told you Laney would grow on you. Look at that flush in your cheeks - your attached to her" Catherine said pinching Sara's cheeks as she proceeded to past by and sit on the sofa.  
  
Surprisingly this astounded Sara and Sara was left daydreaming in shock.  
  
"I am aren't I!. Oh no!. What am I gonna do?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Sara walked back over to the sofa looking dazed.  
  
"You are enjoying it though aren't you?. The pros outweigh the cons, right?" Catherine asked concerned.  
  
"Yes!. It's wonderful!. I haven't thought about the cons in ages - but! - It's not that simple!. It's complicated!. I won't be allowed to keep her!" Sara replied.  
  
"Umm Lindsay - why don't you go and keep Laney company. She must be awfully lonely in there. While your there why don't you ask her if she can play you that cd of hers you like - and play it loud!. But not loud enough that the neighbours will complain!" Catherine instructed.  
  
"Cool!" Lindsay said running towards Laney's room.  
  
"Sara!. Your in your thirties!. No one can tell you what to do!" Catherine exclaimed. "No! your right!. I'm in my thirties!. Oh! but no they can!. They have this way!" Sara said.  
  
At that point music started playing.  
  
"Who?" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara took a deep breath and looked Catherine straight in the face with a worried expression on her face.  
  
"My parents!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Why do they care?. What's it to do with them?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Well, for one their worried it might affect my career - and those two they think it may cause me too much stress - and that's just what I can tell you!. It's complicated!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Fine - but just tell them the good effect it's having on you - and anyway Sara - there's a difference between being concerned about you and being angry with you - why are they being so pushy about this?. It's your life - you're a big girl now!" said Catherine.  
  
"It's complicated!. It would ruin their lives if I got too close to Laney - and their scared I'd tell her - or she'd fine out" Sara mumbled concerned.  
  
"Find out what?" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara paused and looked worried at Catherine.  
  
"Come on, Sara!. I care a lot about that kid - and I care about you.I'll keep it confidential.I won't even tell Grissom unless you want me to. The music in there is too loud for them to hear what we're saying in here. What's going on?!?. That kid needs love so why are you holding back?!" Catherine insisted.  
  
Sara exclaimed as silent tears fell down her face,  
  
"My parents don't want me to look after Laney.because.because.because she's my sister!".  
  
"What?. But why did your parents give her up?. Were they having money problems?" asked Catherine.  
  
"No, they've always had plenty of money!. It wasn't both of theirs - it was just my dad's. He didn't want anything to do with Alaney - and so he doesn't want me looking after her because their scared she'll find out and want something from him - or worse!. They don't want Alaney to go anywhere near my family and they definitely don't want me to attach to her and have feelings - which is very easy because I'm her big sister!" Sara said.  
  
"It has a name, Sara, remember!. Alaney!" Catherine retorted.  
  
"Well sorry but that's how she's discussed in my family - as 'it' or 'the child'" Sara defended.  
  
"Your sister!. This is starting to make sense!.So that's why your aunt had her - and that's why she gave Alaney to you - and that's why you want her but you don't!. You can't help but be attached to her!. It's starting to make SOME SENSE!. Still not a lot though!. I thought your father had a illegitimate son already and that he accepted him" Catherine commented.  
  
"Yeah. But Laney is different - I'm sorry but that's all I can say!. She's my little sister!. And I'm drawn into loving her - to looking after her - but my parents will kill me if I do - but no one else can take her outside camp cuckoo" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Catherine looked stunned. Catherine snapped out of it.  
  
"Remind me what's wrong with 'camp cuckoo'?" Catherine asked.  
  
"It's dangerous - drugs, death, alcoholism. You know those cases we get where kids kill kids because their on hallucinogens - well people on hallucinogens = dangerous people, for one - well that's just the start of the effect those drugs can have. I've seen one bloke who never snapped out a hallucination - been in the loony bin ever since! - he's like a vegetable!. I don't want Laney to take drugs like that or be in danger of being attacked by people on drugs - and then there's other danger but I won't go into that" Sara said.  
  
"But she'll be surrounded by druggies wherever she goes! - college!" Catherine said.  
  
"But I can protect her - and anyway it's different - it's not the drugs I'm so worried about!" Sara replied.  
  
"Well what ever your worried about - are you sure your not being paranoid?. I mean your fine!" Catherine suggested.  
  
"Am I?. And by the way, you can ask anyone else in camp cuckoo if it's safe for kids her age to be there and they'll all agree that it's not - and anyway, the only reason why it's o.k. For me to be there is because I don't believe in the centre of the universe - I know the truth - the whole truth. I know what to expect - Laney doesn't!" said Sara.  
  
"The centre of the universe?" Catherine asked confused.  
  
"It's like a philosophy there - except I know it's all a lie - they're all hypocrites!. I know it doesn't work!. That's why I never succumbed to fit in with them all - because I knew their ways didn't work - it's all lies!. There's 2 parts to the centre of the universe - both lie - but one is dangerous and the other I don't respect" Sara said.  
  
"The drugs are the dangerous part - and what the casual sex is the part you don't respect?" Catherine asked, trying to work out what on earth Sara was talking about.  
  
"The hippy way of life isn't just about sex and drugs you know - but whatever!" Sara said defensively.  
  
"Why do you care about Laney anyway?. You hardly know her - yet your really nice to her!" Sara commented.  
  
"She's barely a child! - she's on that cusp between being looked after and having to live alone - and she's never had the stability to do that - she says her aunt never really felt like a mother - just a carer - like a temporary solution that lasted 18 years - that's what she said" Catherine commented.  
  
"My aunt never did have much maternal instinct - but she provided her with safety and welfare" Sara commented almost internally.  
  
"I left home at 16 you know!. But I was so much more ready than Laney - and I moved in with my boyfriend - I wasn't alone!. Does she have a boyfriend she could move in with?" Catherine said.  
  
"No. She doesn't unfortunately" Sara said.  
  
"Could you really bare to lose her though?" said Catherine.  
  
"I'd have to!" Sara said.  
  
"To be frank, Sara - no offence but you don't have experience with looking after kids - of any age!. And you weren't very keen to have her - so I thought I'd help a bit - help ease her in!. And well - Alaney is mature at work but she lacks maturity in a parental situation - because she's not stable - she's probably never experienced that sort of stability - and if you can't handle that Sara - well, I'm here for both of you if you need me - parenthood is my speciality!. And I'm worried about Laney" Catherine commented.  
  
"How caring of you!" Sara muttered sarcastically under her breath.  
  
Sara was a tiny bit jealous to be honest. She was glad Cath was helping - and she did need her help!. But was secretly jealous because Cath had never made Sara's settling in at LVPD crime lab easy!.  
  
"I thought I'd ask Laney over tonight as to comfort and ease her - but also to give you a break from her. I thought you might need it if your finding her a nuisance - but you seem to be liking having her around" Catherine said.  
  
"Thanks Cath - the thought is appreciated" Sara said. "We better be going - I'll see you tomorrow at work, o.k.?. And if you need to talk anymore I'm here" Catherine said.  
  
"Thanks - you've been great!" Sara said.  
  
Sara was confused though - she had always thought Catherine didn't like her too much. If Catherine was in a bad mood she usually took it out on Sara and no one else. She was aggressively frank to Grissom about his inadequies - but they were all true!. Yet here Catherine was really helpful to Sara - it was unusual!. 


	12. Boby

A week later there came more visitors to LVPD.  
  
"Hello. Can we speak to Sara Sidle please?" Libby Sidle asked as she approached the desk.  
  
She had a sweet and welcoming smile, but it also had an element of tension in it. This was of contrast to the man standing next to her, of similar age and dressed in a similarly hippie like manner, who looked impatient and quietly annoyed.  
  
"Umm. I think she may be busy" the woman at the desk commented.  
  
The man lost his temper and slammed his hands on the desk  
  
"We need to see her now!" he shouted.  
  
Libby shuddered and insisted  
  
"Boby! - let me sort this!".  
  
Warwick had been standing near the desk and was alerted by the shouting. He came right over.  
  
"Oi!. Calm down!. We don't tolerate shouting at our receptionists here!. If you stay calm I'll try and help. What would you like?" Warwick said.  
  
"Sara Sidle, please! it's urgent!" Libby replied urgently.  
  
"O.k - I'll take you to her" said Warwick looking concerned. What was wrong he wondered?.  
  
Meanwhile, Sara had been in the lab analysing evidence when she had heard the shout and was immediately startled like a deer in the headlights. Well, it was unusual to hear a voice that's meant to be living over 500 miles away!.  
  
"It can't be!" Sara muttered to herself.  
  
"I heard it too!" Laney confirmed.  
  
Grissom, Catherine and Nick looked confused.  
  
"Excuse me. I'll go check it out" Sara said getting up.  
  
It didn't take Sara long to investigate. As soon as she'd turned to move to the door she saw her parents and Warwick, through the see through glass walls, approaching round the corner. She immediately looked panicked and closed the lab door.  
  
"Quick Laney hide, it's my parents!" Sara demanded.  
  
Sara then when out the door and closed it behind her before approaching her parents with a fake, reluctant and nervous smile across her face.  
  
"Mom!. Dad!. How are you?. What are you doing here?" she said sweetly innocent.  
  
"Why are you being so nice?. What are you up to?" Boby Sidle asked suspicious.  
  
"We need to talk to you, Sara!" Libby said calmly.  
  
"We?. Or Daddy?" Sara said ambiguously.  
  
"We!" her mother replied.  
  
"Umm.you remember Alaney?" her mother asked.  
  
Sara stared at them.  
  
"Of course I remember her!. How can I forget?. She's my favourite cousin in the whole wide world. I've grown up with her for the last 18 years!" Sara retorted.  
  
"Well - she's ummm. Gone missing!. And there's a rumour that your aunt dropped her off at yours and you now have her. So if you do then you can just give her to us and we'll find someone more suitable to look after her - thank you very much for your help" Libby expressed.  
  
"Yes Miranda did drop her off at mine - but I don't exactly want her do I?. So I sent her on her way!. And now I don't know where she is - haven't heard from her since" Sara replied sweetly innocent.  
  
"Well, I'm glad to hear it!" her Boby replied.  
  
Sara suddenly exploded and started shouting at him,  
  
"What?!. You're glad that she's wandering around penniless, parentless and homeless?!?!".  
  
"I'm sorry dear but I don't believe you - your acting very strange and I so I can tell that - for some strange reason you have chosen to keep her - and now we need her back!" Libby insisted.  
  
"You make her sound like a doll - she is a human being you know!" Sara retorted.  
  
"I knew it!. You see its comments like that!. You never used to regard her as a human being, Sara - your looking after her!. Where is she?. At your apartment?" Libby asked.  
  
"Mother!. I don't have a maternal millimetre in my body!. Why would I look after her?" Sara said defiantly.  
  
"Sara, I know she's a human being!. That is why I don't want you to keep her. She isn't some doll or science experiment you can mess about with - she is a person with human feelings!. I'm doing this for everyone's sake - including Alaney's. Your not suitable for her, Sara! - she deserves more from a mother!. And you deserve more from a life - more from a child than what Alaney is!. If you want children then go have some - great!. But Alaney can't be your child!" Libby argued.  
  
There was silence as Sara thought to herself. But Boby soon interrupted it in his impatience!.  
  
"Well there's only one way to find out if she's here!" her father declared.  
  
Boby stormed past Sara and opened the lab door and closed it behind him before Sara could stop him. Inside the lab the other three stared at him and his outburst. It did look a strange sight as he tried to hold the door closed behind his back as Sara tried to open it.  
  
"You can't come in here!" Grissom declared.  
  
"Umm - Hello - I'm Sara's father!" Boby declared.  
  
"Oh" Grissom said glancing him up and down.  
  
The impression wasn't good and Grissom was beginning to see why Sara didn't like her father.  
  
"Sorry to disturb you - I was just wondering if you'd seen Alaney Rose around?" Boby asked.  
  
"Ummm - She's not here - She's at Sara's apartment!" Nick said.  
  
"Thank you!" Boby said pleased.  
  
He let go of the door and Sara fell in. Just then Alaney came out from where she was hiding and said  
  
"Don't bother going to the apartment Boby I'm here!".  
  
"Did I say the wrong thing?" Nick asked.  
  
"Laney!. You idiot!. I'm so sorry Grissom" exclaimed Sara as she hid her hands in her face.  
  
"Laney!. Her name is A - Laney!. It's a good job we came before it was too late!. Your coming back with us, Alaney" Boby said and eventually grabbed Laney by the wrist.  
  
"No!. Never!. Sara stop him!" Laney protested with attitude.  
  
Sara came heroically up to save Laney but Boby simply grabbed Sara's wrist and turned her to his side.  
  
"Get off them!!" Grissom stood up and demanded.  
  
Nick stood up too but Grissom seemed to be dealing with the situation fine.  
  
"Get out of my lab!" Grissom demanded.  
  
Boby let go of their arms and sighed out in frustration.  
  
"I'm so sorry Grissom!. I'll get rid of them" Sara said flustered.  
  
"It's not your fault, Sara - it's his!. Nick will you please escort Mr Sidle off the premises - And I never want to see you here again!. Understand?" Grissom demanded.  
  
"Its o.k. - I'll take them out myself" Sara said.  
  
"Are you sure?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Yeah. I need to talk with them anyway" Sara replied.  
  
Sara's mother walked in,  
  
"Wait!. This may sort it - we bought you a present - accept this and give us Alaney!" Libby said.  
  
"No way!. How stupid do you think I am?. Do you think you can just buy me?. You can't just." Sara paused mid sentence.  
  
This was because Libby opened up the jewellery box, she was holding, to reveal a extremely expensive looking diamond necklace and earrings.  
  
Sara was stunned and so was everyone else.  
  
"Whoa!. They most cost a bomb!. How expensive is thing?" Nick asked.  
  
Catherine and Grissom examined it.  
  
"15 k?" Catherine asked.  
  
"No! - Look here, Catherine - that bumps it up to 20 k at least!" Grissom added.  
  
"Clever man!. It's 21 k!. Your friends are impressed, Sara!. Come on Alaney isn't worth it!" Libby said.  
  
"Yes she is!. You can't put a value on us - you should know that!. Call yourself a mother!. And anyway, you can't buy me!. What? you don't think I can buy one of them for myself if I wanted?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Not unless you have a spare 21 k hanging around?" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"She's got millions!" Laney exclaimed.  
  
"What?!?!. Where from?" Nick asked.  
  
"I thought you guys were poor. Sara said she lived in a trailer for the first few years of her life!. And I thought you only own a B&B!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"What you think she turned into Madame snooty by living in some trailer?. You think she got to go to Harvard on some crummy public school education?. She when to finest schools around!. I can't believe Madame snooty didn't brag about her inheritance to her posh friends!. She didn't tell you about her grandparents?" Boby commented.  
  
"What?. And you didn't go to private school?!" Sara replied.  
  
"We haven't lived in a trailer for over 30 years!. And - Well! - Money is the root of all evil - its materialist!. We only need the bare minimum to live on - of course, we splashed out if Sara wanted it!" Libby said.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm confused!. Where did that money come from?. Are you saying you have millions in the bank unclaimed from your dead parents?" Catherine asked.  
  
"No - not exactly. It's just given to us a lot by my grandparents - both of sets are loaded - millions!" Sara explained.  
  
Then Sara turned and shouted at her parents,  
  
"If it wasn't for me you wouldn't get a cent!. Before I came along you were living in a trailer not of your own free choice!. You didn't get along with either of your parents - and Dad you still don't!. So don't try and buy me!. Because I have all the money I need!. If! - I wanted jewellery like that then all I'd need do is go running to either of my grandma or grandpas - especially yours dad!! - because their quite happy to pay more off for what a pig you are! - and ask for a necklace just like that!. But I don't worship money!. I don't give a stuff about money - and I didn't think you did till now!. You've never tried anything this low before!. Your unbelievable!. Let's discuss this outside!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Oh keep it anyway!. It's not like we're going to use it!" Libby said.  
  
"I told you I don't want it - go take it back from where you got it!" Sara said annoyed.  
  
Libby suddenly remembered Alaney's presence.  
  
"Alaney! Sweetheart!. Here you go! - You have it!. Consider it a little present from the Sidle's!. You deserve it!. Poor thing!" Libby exclaimed.  
  
"I don't want it!" Alaney declared, digusted.  
  
Sara gave her mother an expression of disbelieve.  
  
"Laney you stay here" Sara said and then pointed to her parents saying, "You two follow me!".  
  
"I'm so sorry Grissom" Sara reiterated as she left, followed by her parents. 


	13. True colours

When Sara and her parents were outside the building Sara started shouting,  
  
"How dare you turn up at my work and start causing trouble!!....do you realise how much trouble you could have got me in!".  
  
"Well you should have told us the truth then!" Boby retorted.  
  
"It was a bit extreme, Boby! - the whole trying to drag Laney out thing" Libby commented.  
  
"I didn't ask for your opinion, Libby!" Boby snapped.  
  
"Don't talk to her like that!" Sara shouted.  
  
"Both of you stop fighting!...Sara! listen to me! - I'm doing this for you too!. You know that right.baby?" Sara's mother said as she held Sara's face in her hands.  
  
"Rubbish!" Sara said.  
  
Libby let go and paused for a sec.  
  
"Boby go to the car! - I'll sort this!" Libby said.  
  
Boby stuffed a finger in front of Sara's face and aggressively said  
  
"Tonight we'll be round and we're going to sort this!".  
  
Sara didn't flinch and pushed his hand out of the way without care but with attitude.  
  
"Baby!...you can't look after her!...you haven't got the emotional capacity!. You haven't got the time! - you haven't got the skills!.give her to us. Your Uncle Lenny said he'll take her in - He'll look after her. Don't put yourself through this Sara! - We made sure you had a good life. That this didn't get in the way - and you want to throw your whole career and life away for Alaney!" Libby said.  
  
"Yes!" Sara pleaded with her mother's eyes.  
  
Libby looked distressed and stressed. She didn't know what to do.  
  
"You do realise what your doing?...what your saying?....if she stays with you then you'll have to be her mother..oh Sara!....you can't do it, you just can't!" Libby exclaimed.  
  
"I can!. She'd never need to know the truth. She'll be satisfied in just knowing I'm the closet she'll get to a mother - and I can do it mom!. I can do it!. I do have it in me!. I always have had!" Sara said with more care for her mother.  
  
Libby didn't know what to think. She was so confused.  
  
"You really love her don't you!" Libby said.  
  
She thought for a second.  
  
"Look I'm not saying yes!. But let's both - all - think about this!...but! - if you do choose to keep her, Sara - don't worry about me -k?" Libby said.  
  
Sara looked at her and said nothing. Libby kissed Sara on the forehead and was about to leave. Sara called out to her to stop.  
  
"Do you know what hurt most about this little charade?...it wasn't the embarrassment!...it wasn't what everyone's going to think of daddy now!...it was the fact that YOU shoved a sentimental - less piece of jewellery in my face and tried to buy me off!" Sara shouted.  
  
Sara grabbed the necklace around her neck and showed it off saying "You see this!...do you know how much this means to me?...do you know how much all the necklaces and jewellery you gave me means to me?...I thought they were from the heart! - specially picked for me!...are they just worthless briberies too?...because if they are then you can just take them back too!" Sara said.  
  
Libby looked ashamed. "I'm sorry. I know it was low - but - there was some sentiment in there, Sara!. I know your not like us - your more like your grandparents - so I figured maybe you didn't like the cheap rubbish I give you - so I thought you'd appreciate something more expensive" Libby explained.  
  
"I love the necklaces you give me!...I wear them loads - especially the locket!. I'm not completely like you guys - but I'm not my grandparents either. I'm a combination - and my grandparents don't like how much I'm like you guys - and I am you know - there is a snippet of hippy that peeks out of me. I'm the hippest person I know outside of camp cuckoo!" Sara sentimentally phrased it.  
  
Libby smiled and stroked Sara's face,  
  
"Don't call it that dear!".  
  
Libby kissed Sara on the forehead and left. Sara was left standing there staring into space thinking. Grissom had watched them from the window for the last fifteen minutes. He watched Sara walk in and pretended to casually walk over and enquire about her.  
  
"Are you o.k.?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I'm so sorry!...he doesn't usually get that aggressive! It's just adrenaline and stress!. You see Alaney is a touchy subject in my family. They reckon she'll take over my life and ruin my career if I look after her" Sara explained.  
  
"Breathe" Grissom said. He sat Sara down and took a deep breath. She looked stressed. He begun saying,  
  
"I'm sorry. I have a confession. I thought your mother was really nice when I met her the first time. Now I just don't know!...I can see your problem!" Grissom said.  
  
"My problem?...what do you mean?...my mother is nice - when she's not attached to his hip! - sometimes she can be the best - most caring mother. And other times she can be the worst - most uncaring mother in the world. But anyway! - their just stressed!" Sara commented.  
  
"Your mother said you and your father fight all the time!" Grissom commented.  
  
Sara stared at Grissom in disbelief and eventually said "She did?".  
  
Grissom put a comforting hand on the side of Sara's arm and said,  
  
"I think I can speak for everyone when I say that if you're having any problems with your family - well, you don't need them - we're your family too".  
  
Sara was shocked at this revelation. This was coming from Grissom - the guy who said he'd leave without saying goodbye - who seemed to resist making friendships with his colleagues!.  
  
Grissom continued, "and we're here if you ever need to talk - especially if it's affecting your work".  
  
Sara panicked and immediately defended her family,  
  
"No! Grissom you don't understand!. I know what your thinking and your wrong!. I knew you'd think this! - this is why I didn't mention not getting on with my dad. My father is a pig, yes! - He is rude, offensive and naracasstic - but he is NOT - I repeat NOT violent!. He just gets aggressive on rare occasions - like the one you just witnessed!. That is the worst he's ever got!. I just get emotional on certain cases because I care - and I get too emotional because it's just my personality - no other reason!. My father is a pig but he is not a wife beater!" Sara appealed.  
  
"I never suggested that" Grissom said.  
  
"But I know what you were thinking! - I just know!. Grissom my parents are hippies! - they don't believe in violence! - hippies protested for women's rights & against nuclear weapons & against violence! - it would make them hypocrites if they inflicted or accepted violence on each other" Sara said before walking off.  
  
Grissom followed her as she walked back into the lab. Catherine, Warwick, Nick and Laney were there.  
  
"You o.k.?" they all asked in unison. Everyone looked at each other and laughed, including Sara.  
  
"They gone?. Thank you for not giving me away!" said Laney.  
  
Laney thought to herself in frustration and said,  
  
"oh gees!...I hope he isn't my father!".  
  
"Why would you think he is?" Catherine asked confused.  
  
"Oh.it's just one of the rumours about me - at Boby Sidle had a affair and the woman dumped me on his doorstep and he gave me away. Luckily it's unlikely though! - I mean he has a illegitimate son he takes full responsibility for, no probs! - and anyway - my name quite obviously means I was found in a lane or alley - and so that doesn't fit being found on the Sidle's doorstep" Laney explained.  
  
"Yeah well, I wouldn't tell you anyway! - come on let's get on with work!" Sara retorted and got back to looking down her microscope.  
  
The rest of the group all looked at each other worried and then eventually carried on. 


	14. Murphury's law

Grissom was relieved the next day when he realised it was Sara Sidle's day off. He always thought she needed it but especially after yesterday. She probably had to discuss Laney's future with her parents anyway. So when Grissom sat in his office looking at his assignment forms he was in a dilemma. He had five assignments - and only four fully fledged members of his team in today - he'd already called the other shifts to see if they could help - but all the other shifts were on overtime. Why was Las Vegas murder central today of all days?!?. He would have to page Sara. He had no choice.  
  
Sara heard her page go off as she sat in her apartment stressing.  
  
"I don't believe it!. I knew it!. I knew it!. Of all the days I needed to be off work and he pages me!. I can't go in!" she thought to herself.  
  
Sara burst into tears just as Laney was entering. Laney saw this, ran over and hugged Sara.  
  
"I'm so sorry!. I'll just go back to Tamales Bay!" Laney said as she burst into tears.  
  
"No!. You're not going anywhere!. You're staying here!" Sara demanded. Sara wiped her eyes, got up and dialled the phone.  
  
"Hello Grissom. Its Sara - what did you want?" Sara spoke down the phone.  
  
"I'm really sorry, Sara. I know it's your day off - and you really need this day off - but I really need you to come in!" Grissom pleaded.  
  
"I can't Grissom. I'm sorry - not today. I'm ill!" Sara replied hostilely.  
  
"Sara please!. It's an emergency!. We have 5 cases and I have only 4 of us.and all other shifts are on overtime!. There's no one else!. We're all going to have to be solo anyway!. That's how much of a emergency this is!" Grissom pleaded.  
  
Sara silently sobbed and said,  
  
"I can't Grissom!. Not today!".  
  
"Please" Grissom expressed.  
  
Sara thought for a second.  
  
"O.k." Sara hesitated.  
  
"Thank you! Thank you!" Grissom said.  
  
Sara put the phone down and turned and gave Laney a concerned look.  
  
The gang were all sitting in the break room getting assignments when Sara entered.  
  
"Great!. Sara - you have a smash and grab in one of Las Vegas's top jewellers" Grissom said handing her the assignment slip.  
  
"Looking cool!" Nick joked to Sara.  
  
"Pardon?" Sara said in a bad mood.  
  
"The sunglasses indoors!. It's not like you to be so fashion conscious!" Nick joked.  
  
"We're going outside in just a second Nicholas - so there's no point me taking them off then putting them on!" Sara snapped condescendily.  
  
Sara walked out in a huff.  
  
"What's up with her?" Catherine commented.  
  
Grissom passed one of the labs, when he noticed Sara standing there looking at a microscope - but not down it!. He went in.  
  
"You alright?. You stuck for answers?" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara said nothing but just turned round and stared at him speechless. She was still wearing those stupid sunglasses!.  
  
"Sara, take those sunglasses off in here!" Grissom said slightly worried and went to take them off her face.  
  
But she stopped him.  
  
"Sara?" Grissom questioned.  
  
"Don't jump to any conclusions!" Sara defended.  
  
"What is it?" Grissom asked.  
  
Grissom went to take Sara's sunglasses off again. He stood speechless and stared at her.  
  
"Sara! - I am going to ask you one last time!. Is your father violent?" Grissom asked quite angry.  
  
"No!. No!. He isn't!" Sara defended.  
  
"Sara, don't lie to me!. You have a black eye!. Just tell me the truth!" Grissom said angrily.  
  
"No.I knew you'd think this!. That's why I didn't want to come in!. It was an accident!. My father is a pig but he's not violent!. We were having an argument and he gave up and left for a bar. He's an alcoholic but not the violent type - just the verbally abusive type!. He went to a bar mid argument and so I followed him - and when I got there he was having a bar fight - I tried to break them up - and the person he was fighting with accidentally hit me instead" Sara explained panicked.  
  
"You've got to believe me Grissom!. Please don't jump to conclusions!" Sara pleaded.  
  
She grabbed his face in her hands and made him look her straight into the eyes and said directly to him  
  
"Grissom, you've got to believe me!. You do believe me don't you?. This isn't my past. I'm not in danger!. He isn't violent - he's just a rude, verbally abusive drunk - but he's no danger - this!. This was done by a stranger - it has nothing to do with my father!. You do trust me don't you?" Sara insisted.  
  
Grissom sighed angrily and left.  
  
Sara put her hands in her face looking stressed. He did believe her didn't he?. Sara ran out after him and started yelling,  
  
"Grissom! Grissom!".  
  
Warwick, Nick and Catherine came walking down the hall. They saw Grissom walk off and Sara's black eye.  
  
"Are you o.k.?" they all said in unison rushing over.  
  
"Where did you get that from?. Did a suspect attack you?" Nick asked.  
  
"It's nothing. It was an accident - ask Grissom!" Sara said stressed and walked off.  
  
Catherine indicated Nick and Warwick to stay and she went to find Grissom. She found him immediately - he was outside testing his pulse.  
  
"How much?" she asked.  
  
"110!" Grissom replied.  
  
"What!?!. Sit down your going to keel over if you're not careful!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
She tried to make him sit down but he wouldn't. He just kept pacing - so Catherine sat down instead.  
  
"So. What did she say about her black eye?" Catherine asked. "It doesn't matter what she said she's lying!" Grissom said angrily pacing.  
  
"You don't know that, Grissom!. What did she say?" Catherine demanded neutrally.  
  
"She said a stranger 'accidentally' punched her when she was trying to break up her father's bar fight - she says her father didn't even accidentally punch her - it was a strange - how convenient!" Grissom replied angrily.  
  
Grissom stopped pacing and looked Catherine right in the face.  
  
"That guy is hitting them and he's getting away with it scot free!" Grissom shouted.  
  
Grissom soon started pacing frantically again. "No Grissom! probably not!. Her explanation sounds plausible enough. Grissom don't jump to conclusions until you have all the facts!. You're the one always saying that!. Always following that!. You have no evidence!. Your just jumping to conclusions!. It just seems the logical answer at the moment - but until you see him hit Sara or her mother or they tell you he does then you can't assume anything!. Don't let personal issues cloud your judgement - we all do - don't let it happen here!" Catherine insisted.  
  
Grissom stopped and calmed down a bit. He sat down next to Catherine and looked her straight in the eyes saying  
  
"I know he's hitting her and her mom, Catherine. I know it!. I knew the moment I met him!. It's so obvious!" Grissom pleaded.  
  
"Grissom, he was angry!. We all get angry sometimes, right?. You just met him at a bad time!. I admit he was a bit extreme - What kind of parent embarrasses their daughter by storming into her work? - But they seemed to think it was that important!. Anyway Grissom - your biased!. Is this about Emily, Grissom?" Catherine said.  
  
Grissom looked at Catherine guiltly.  
  
"Maybe. But!. It doesn't matter whether it is connected to Emily or not!. The fact is that he is doing what I think he's doing!. He doesn't deserve her whether I'm biased or not!. I should have seen it in Sara's behaviour!. I always suspected there was something up with her.she got a little too emotional on abuse cases!. A little too!. It's the answer!" Grissom reasoned.  
  
"No Grissom!. Your fitting the evidence to fit a theory!. You have no proper proof - it just seems like the obvious answer - and that's clouding your judgement. But it probably isn't true - Sara wouldn't lie to you. And Sara's not the type - she's a strong willed girl - you can't just assume!. Plus hippies don't believe in violence!" Catherine suggested.  
  
"I watched Forrest Gump the other day - I saw violent hippies there!. Girlfriend beating!" Grissom proposed.  
  
"Grissom, I'm not saying your not right! - and I do care a lot about Sara. But I'm saying we need more evidence before we jump to conclusions. And at the moment I'm far from convinced. Sara wouldn't lie to us!. I'm sure of it!" Catherine said.  
  
Grissom looked worried as he sat in his office. Sara knocked on his door to grab his attention. She looked a lot calmer and he was a bit calmer, and a bit more open minded, after Catherine's talk.  
  
"I'm sorry I snap at you" she said.  
  
"Did you?" Grissom replied.  
  
"Well. Whatever I did!. Well I just wanted to come explain. Look Grissom!. This is exactly what I thought would happen - but it's just a coincidence" Sara reasoned calmly.  
  
Sara paused, sighed and laughed with a tear in her eye and said,  
  
"Do you ever feel like the man upstairs has got it in for you?".  
  
Grissom laughed and was intrigued by this. It caused him to take his glasses off and stare at her.  
  
"I knew the worst that could happen would happen. What's the worse thing that could happen when your convinced your colleagues think you come from a violent home - your father turns up shouting and bawling and grabbing your wrist viciously!. He's never done that before!. He's just worried Laney will ruin my life! - my career!. And then what's the worst thing to happen next?. And you guessed it - it happened!. I've never been accidentally punched outside work and yet it happens last night - the worst night it could happen!. I can understand you thinking my dad is violent!. I would too in anyone else's shoes - but I swear he's not - look - I'll be straight with you. Since I was a teenager my dad and I have never got along but before that we had our really good times. And he's a pig but I could never lie and say he's a wife beater just to spite him!" Sara confessed calmly.  
  
Sara begun quietly sobbing,  
  
"I love him!. I really do!. I just don't like him!. And I don't want anyone to think badly of him!. Because I love him - and you only have one dad right?".  
  
Grissom came over to her, put an arm around her and sat her down. He continued to comfort her and apologised,  
  
"I'm so sorry, Sara!. I was wrong - it makes more sense now. I'm sorry I should never had made assumptions based on coincidences - I'm a CSI - I should have known better!. I just wanted to protect you - but I'm the only one who's ended up hurting you!".  
  
"And the stranger in the bar" Sara joked through her tears as she wiped them away. Grissom held his hands out to hug her and though she was surprised she accepted and hugged him.  
  
"Sorry" Grissom repeated.  
  
He honestly believed her this time. Well, nearly completely believed her. But if it wasn't her dad then who was it?. Was she involved or just someone close to her?. Was it a family member?. Or a friend?. Or had an ex hurt her?. Or a stranger?. He couldn't go investigating every person Sara had ever met!. 


	15. Diving in

Sara had been quite relieved after her talk with Grissom. Her calmness was soon destroyed though. She returned home to find Alaney packing her bags.  
  
"What are you doing?" Sara said disconcerted.  
  
"I'm moving out. I'm gonna live alone" Laney said unhappily.  
  
"Why?. Are you angry with me?. What have I done?" Sara enquired.  
  
"No!. I just think it's best. I don't want to be any trouble anymore. I don't want to get you in trouble with your parents anymore" Laney explained.  
  
"No, your not trouble!. I don't want you to go!. You can't live alone - we've already discussed this!. Your not ready to live alone!. Your not independent enough domestically!" Sara reasoned.  
  
"Yes, I can! I'm eighteen years old!. It's scary but I need to do it!. Just dive in and I'll stumble through! - and succeed!. Look Sara! I can live alone! Everyone knows it!. I knew it! - but. I just.I just.I just wanted someone to look after me to love me!. But I've realised you could never be that. And it's not like you haven't tried!. It's just your too young and it's too complicated!. Your parents really don't want you to ruin your life. So! - your not available!. And let's face it your career doesn't make you available!" Laney said while gradually bursting into tears.  
  
Laney sat down crying and Sara came over and put an arm on he back to comfort her.  
  
"I love you" Sara said.  
  
Laney looked surprised at Sara. But then Laney reconsidered, sighed and look Sara straight in the face saying,  
  
"It doesn't matter! - it just can't work!".  
  
"Yes, it can!" Sara insisted.  
  
"How?. Why?" Laney insisted.  
  
"Because..." Sara paused mid speech. "Because I can do it!. I'm not sure if I could do it before. But I can now!. I really think I can!" Sara insisted. Sara paused, "Laney come on - you can't live alone! - 18 or not!. I realise that now!. You can't even cook for yourself! You don't know how to use a washing machine!. You can't seem to do hardly anything for yourself!" Sara commented happier.  
  
"Miranda did everything for me!...she never asked me to do any chores.or do anything for myself!...I think Miranda felt sorry for me!...anyway, she said she'd teach everything before I go to college.but when she dumped me!...but then again, I think towards the end she wanted it that way.she knew you were the only person I'd have to look after me.and seeing as I could do nothing for myself - I'd have to rely on you.then you would be forced to become maternal.and it seems to have worked!" Laney said happily.  
  
Laney looked saddened though and thus continued this way,  
  
"But I'm sure I'll learn.I'll work it out.maybe you could help me out.but I really feel I need to do this, Sara.I need to branch out and be independent!" Laney reasoned.  
  
"Your not ready!...I know what you need and you haven't got it!...Look Laney!...you need someone to look after you.you've never seemed to have had that!.I don't know why - but Aunt Miranda didn't seem to give you the love you need.but I do!...no way I don't mean that!...I mean she loved you - but not as a mother!...but I do!...I love you like a mother would!...I can't quite believe it, but I do!...Don't take it personally Miranda just wasn't the maternal type!" Sara declared elated.  
  
She had that elation and glow in her character that a girl who had just declared their love for their boyfriend had. Laney wasn't so excited. She was quite confused.  
  
"But I thought you weren't the maternal type!...you were the one who was meant to be not the type!" Laney replied confused.  
  
"It seems I am!...look don't worry about it.just know I am!...I love you!". "Have you finished yet?...Can I say something now?" Laney said peeved off.  
  
Sara was quite hurt that Laney had been so rejecting when Sara had vulnerably worse her heart on her sleeve and opened her heart!.  
  
"Look Sara.I'm glad you've realised these maternal feelings you have.but.explore them with some other kid.cos I'm not a kid.I need to grow up and your holding me back!...go adopt or fosse.or have some other kid!...I can't be your guinea pig anymore!...I have needs too!...I'm vulnerable too!...and I think it would be best if I go.go be independent.find a place and set up home.you could be like a big sister if you like.then if your worried you could come round help me if I needed help.be down the phone if I need help.I'd like that!" Laney said.  
  
Laney paused for breath and Sara was about to speak when Laney stopped her and continued.  
  
"You see I don't want you to be my mother figure.because.well maybe I didn't let Miranda be mine.I don't if I did!...but I know now certainly that I don't want one.if I have any form of parent in my life now I want it to be my natural parents.them only!" Laney said.  
  
Sara immediately jumped in saying,  
  
"They don't want you!".  
  
"No Sara, you don't know that!...your just assuming!...I'm not asking you to tell me anymore.I actually.well, I've been thinking and.well, I think I might prefer to find them myself.I saw this programme and it was about teenagers finding their natural parents.and so many of these parents actually did want their children back.and said they regretted not knowing their child.and had tried to get into contact but couldn't find the child.or they didn't know the child existed.or the child was kidnapped.I could have been kidnapped!...or my mother may not want me but my father might!...he might not know I exist and if he found out he may want to know me.and in this programme those who started up a relationship.and the majority did!...well most of the relationships weren't just a phone call here or there - they had an actual parent/child relationship.some even moved in together!....and this programme had these hotlines and websites you could use to track your parents.I can do this!...I just want to feel like I'm doing something.and if I come to a dead end then.well then I'll either be fine alone.or if the offer's still open we could give it a go!...but I want to try my natural parents first.I want to actually find them and see what they say.even if it's a no.I just want to know!" Laney explained.  
  
"Well, let me save you some trouble.I DO know who your parents are!...and I know they don't want you to know who they are!...and I know that for a fact, Laney!" Sara claimed.  
  
"Maybe back then, Sara, but what about now?...do you really know this?" Laney reasoned with her.  
  
"What?. You don't think I spoke to them as soon as you arrived.you don't think I told them how much you wanted to know them?...their still not interested Laney!...they want you to stay well clear!...I know for a fact they don't want you to try and find them and contact them.I swear I'm telling the truth!...I know all this for a fact - I'm not guessing this!...they still don't want you and they never will.they don't want you to be their daughter.they have no room for a daughter in either of their lives!...you weren't kidnapped!...you father has always known about you!...and they still don't want you!" Sara answered.  
  
Laney looked stunned and eventually broke down into tears.  
  
"Great!...That's just great!...if your telling the truth it's over!...all my hopes of ever!..." Laney eventually was too upset to finish her sentence and so Sara comforted her. Laney was in hysterical tears. Sara couldn't bare Laney's pain, but Sara knew she couldn't tell her who her parents were. After a while Sara interrupted.  
  
"Laney! It isn't over!...you have me!...I'll be like a mother to you!".  
  
Alaney was not unsure.  
  
"You really want to try?" Alaney reliterated.  
  
Sara grabbed Laney's hand and with a huge smile on her face declared "Yes!".  
  
"But what are you meant to be to me? . I'm not saying I want to call you 'mom'. But, are you meant to be my mother figure?. Or a big sister?. Or an aunt?. What?" Alaney asked.  
  
"I don't know!. Let's just go with it and see what happens!. A mixture of all those things I'd say. But there is one thing - never call me 'mom'. That's the only condition" Sara replied.  
  
"Sara, there's only fourteen years between us. I could never really think of you as my mom properly!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"So there's the answer to your question. I'm your big sister figure!" Sara delighted. Alaney put on a fixed smile. There was something about that sentence that didn't make her entirely happy - and Sara could tell. Sara placed an arm round Alaney, to comfort her, and said  
  
"Look Laney. I know you need a mother figure. But I'm all you've got and we both know I can be that. The best I can offer is big sister".  
  
Alaney turned and smiled at Sara, but was still a little low. Alaney commented,  
  
"I'm not asking you to be, Sara. But I'm just let down I'll never know a parent. I have to let go, I know - but I can't help wanting my natural parents".  
  
Sara opened her arms signalling a hug and they had one their best one ever.  
  
"We're going to do so much together when we have free time in the next few weeks. Shopping, clubbing, ice skating." Sara exclaimed.  
  
"No! I don't like ice skating!. Please no! Not ice skating!" Alaney begged.  
  
"Whatever you want to do or don't want to do is fine!. I'm not particulary into ice skating or clubbing - I just thought they might be your thing!. We can cook together! - make cakes and meals!. We already work together!. Go to the cinema together, watch movies at home, etcetcra!. Hey! - We can go to a health spa someday. Relax & recuperate!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"No Sara!. Don't be silly!. I know you don't like those places!. I can't say no to ice skating and then force you to do what you don't like" Laney insisted.  
  
"No!. It's not the germs!. It was just-" Sara explained.  
  
Laney realised why and interrupted before causing Sara anymore pain. Laney took her hand and said,  
  
"I know why you don't like health spas. It's because you don't have any female friends to go with. You get so used to telling yourself that you don't go because of germs - that you turned me down. Before you say it - Yes! - they are germ infested! - but you don't really care that much!. But there's nothing to be ashamed of Sara!. You work every waking minute - the only people you could be friends with are those you work with therefore. And they are lovely people - but I've met them and - well! They've lived here ages so they have their own friends! - Or their Grissom!. You shouldn't feel bad because you don't have opportunities to meet people".  
  
"But you've been here two seconds and your already out and about making friends but the second. Look! I can't believe I'm saying this. How embarrassing!. Look I'm happy with my life. I don't know why everyone's got to be so rude and pick on it. Just because I'm not the norm doesn't mean I'm unhappy. And it's not like I don't date!. And I go out with work sometimes - we socialize sometimes!" Sara explained.  
  
"Hardly!. Look Sara!. You don't need to explain to me!. I love you. You're my family - whether we're related or not!. I love you and I can never be ashamed of you. I'm not going to dwell on it. You know why? - because I care about you!. And if you care about someone you don't dwell on their inadequacy - they do everything in their power to sort them!. And that is what I'm going to do!. Listen!. I only have made friends because I got a part time job and I join dance classes. If you go out you meet more people. But often you need friends to go places. And often a lot of friends are made when friends introduce friends - like the domino effect!. But anyway - I'm here for you now. I know your not my age but I will get you out that lab and this apartment if it kills me!. Baby - don't be ashamed!. Look to the future not the past!. You need me and I need you!. We both have what the other needs. Neither of us are losers though!" Laney said. Sara took a deep breath and nodded.  
  
"I'd really like it if we could spent some time together at a health spa, Laney" Sara said.  
  
"I'd like that too" Laney replied.  
  
They hugged one last time. 


	16. Diving in too

Alaney was bored. She had spent all morning shadowing Greg in the lab but now she'd had enough. Greg was o.k. company. In fact he could be a bit of a laugh. They would often sing and dance, to some music, in the lab when Grissom wasn't watching. But today Alaney was bored of Greg. She had spent two straight shifts with him. And after a while his pathetic jokes were quite annoying. So she left his lab, making some feeble excuse and went to look for someone else to shadow. She searched everywhere. She couldn't find Sara. She couldn't find Nick. She couldn't find Catherine. She couldn't find Warwick. Finally, she tried Grissom. He was old, quiet, reserved and a bit of the geeky type - but she reckoned she could squeeze some fun out of him!. She could also pull out the dancing card if nothing else worked. Everyone always eased up to her if she made them dance with her!.  
  
"What ya up to?" Laney asked playfully.  
  
Grissom looked up. He was surprised to see her.  
  
"Well I'm - ummm - I'm studying a bug. I'm trying to find out which type it is" he replied conservatively.  
  
Laney came over and sat down.  
  
"Well!. Hey whatever turns you on!" she replied.  
  
"Turns me on?" Grissom asked confused.  
  
"You know. What you enjoy. I mean it in a strictly non-sexual sense!. That was soooo the wrong words to use - I'm sorry!. Though! - if you do get turned on by insects! - that's cool too!. We all deserve to be ourselves - accept ourselves - our quirky interests! - and others for who we are. But! - that doesn't mean we should be isolate others and live in our own world, Mr Grissom. That's not what I'm saying. We just have to work around each other - Find out what we have in common with each other - etcetera. Do know what I'm trying to say, Grissom?" Laney said.  
  
"Haven't a clue" Grissom said confused as he tried to work out the English from that sentence. Alaney's babblings reminded him of Libby Sidle. Yet Sara was never as incomprehensible as Libby or Alaney!.  
  
"Anyway, guess what?" Laney continued.  
  
"What?" Grissom asked worried.  
  
"I'm sooooo bored!. Sooooooo! - We're going to play 'let's get to know each other'!" Laney said.  
  
"Oh. Well actually I'm quite busy here, Alaney" Grissom replied.  
  
Laney took the bug pot off him and put it down.  
  
"Your due a lunch break!. Now let's see!. Ummmm. You know a lot about me!. Probably more than I do!. So, let's talk about you!" Laney insisted.  
  
"Let's not" Grissom suggested.  
  
"What are you scared of?" Laney challenged Grissom.  
  
He looked away and she got no reply. So she continued the conversation - but this time she had a serious tone and jumped into giving him a lecture,  
  
"You know, Mr Grissom - you think you can hide your secrets. But some of them! - they're quite plain to see if you're an outsider!. For example! - I personally have noticed - that you're quite withdrawn from the world, Mr Grissom. I mean we're not talking agoraphobic!. But you don't really let people in! - not even Catherine from what I hear!. And that's not healthy, Grissom. You NEED people. We all do!. It's human nature!. You can't deny human nature!".  
  
It was during this speech that Grissom noticed Alaney reminded him so much of Sara. He couldn't quite pinpoint what it was - but he knew part of it was the way they structured their lectures at him. But it couldn't have been camp cuckoo. Maybe it was their schooling.  
  
"Did you go to a private school like Sara?" Grissom asked.  
  
"What?" Laney responded annoyed that he appeared to be ignoring her.  
  
"Maybe the same school even?" Grissom said.  
  
"Ummm - yeah, we went to the some of the same schools. Can I carry on please?" Laney answered annoyed and confused.  
  
"That would explain it" Grissom responded.  
  
"Explain what?" Laney asked confused.  
  
"You remind me of Sara. But it's because of your similar schooling. I knew it wasn't from growing up in your community!" Grissom said.  
  
Laney was astounded.  
  
"Have you been listening to a word I've been saying?. Do you realise how rude that is?. I'm going to assume it's because of your personality defect - a mislearning or what is rude or not! -and not hold it against you!" Laney responded.  
  
She sighed and eventually spoke again. She went back to a serious and caring tone.  
  
"I heard about how you kept your hearing problems from everyone!" Laney said.  
  
"Oh" Grissom commented.  
  
"They could have helped!. I also heard how you eventually told Catherine. But what I haven't heard - but can guess! - is about whether or not you felt relieved when Catherine came to the hospital to support you - before your operation" Laney said with care, concern and distinct worry.  
  
Laney paused and looked at Grissom.  
  
"Admit it!- You were glad when Catherine came!" Laney said in a caring tone.  
  
It took Grissom a long time to answer.  
  
"Maybe" He admitted ashamed.  
  
"It's nothing to be ashamed about, Grissom!. You need social support!. It's good to feel that way! - it's makes you human!. There are these people around you who are willing and able to be there for you - and your just pushing them away!. And one day - when you decide you need them - they won't be there anymore!. Right now, all you need to do is tell them what's bothering you - and they'd came running in support. They are lovely people!" Laney pleaded with concern and care.  
  
Laney took a long pause. Then she looked Grissom right in the eye and said,  
  
"How can you help Sara if she won't tell you what she needs you to do?" Laney commented.  
  
"What?. What do you mean?. Sara?. What DOES she need?" Grissom asked concerned and interested.  
  
"It's not my place to say, Grissom. How would you feel if you told people what's bothering you and they went telling everyone. I respect the desire to keep secrets as that. Anyway, don't change the subject!- we're talking about you!. My point was that Sara is a give and take girl perhaps. I know you've shown concern for her. But if she were wanting to talk about something - how can you expect her to go to you when your so: a)Emotionally detached most of the time! - AND - b)So secretive about your own life and not willing to let people in!" Laney suggested.  
  
"Are saying Sara will tell me 'what's up' - only if I tell her 'what's up' with me?" Grissom asked.  
  
"No, of course not!. Sara's not petty!. I'm trying to make a point, Grissom. You're so eager to know about everyone else - but you're just as guarded about your own secrets. I can see where Sara's coming from" Laney said.  
  
Laney then paused and got more serious,  
  
"She reckons your fire her if she tells you" Laney said.  
  
"Fire her?. Why earth would I fire her?. What's she done?" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"Nothing really. But I can see her point - you might. She should have handled work better. But anyway I've said too much. Sara's, just an example!" Laney said.  
  
"Laney, please tell me! - I want to help her!" Grissom pleaded  
  
"Right back at you, Grissy!. They all want to help you!. But, how would you feel if someone went telling everyone your personal." Laney said.  
  
But Grissom interrupted her before she could finish,  
  
"I know! I know!. What?. You don't think I feel that twinge of hypocrisy?. You think I don't know I'm a hypocrite?" Grissom insisted.  
  
"It's not hypocrisy I'm worried about, Grissom. It's you!. Everyone's worried about you and Sara. Both of you indulge yourself into work and have little time or want for a life outside of it!" Laney commented.  
  
"I have roller coasters!. I race beetles!. Sara has nothing!" Grissom insisted.  
  
"But Grissom - do you have friends in the rollercoaster or insect racing world?. Any intimate human contact?. I'm guessing no!. No! - cos that would require letting people in!. You need human contact, Grissom!. Human comfort!. People to rely on!. People to run to with your problems!. Or your problems will eat you up!. Maybe you've been hurt - but - you've got to give trust a second chance. It doesn't matter how much you deny it, Grissom - you need social support!. Even if you don't have a problem - You need friends' full stop!. And frankly, I can't say I've noticed you let anyone be a friend in your life - at least in Las Vegas!. Your so lucky, Grissom!. Most people in your position are socially detached because they don't have friendship avenues. But you! - you've got all these great people around you who are screaming to be closer with you!. And I'm not talking about jumping into bed with Sara!" Laney said.  
  
"You know about that!. Did Libby say something?. Oh how embarrassing!" Grissom said astounded.  
  
"More embarrassing for Sara!. Yeah, Libby has mentioned it. But I have no opinion on the situation. Moving on!. My point is!. Well, does Catherine know your little secret?. You guys seem to have some kind of vague - and I mean VAGUE kind of real friendship going on!" Laney replied.  
  
Grissom was reluctant to answer,  
  
"Not enough. But - She knows parts of it!" Grissom admitted ashamed.  
  
"Oh gees Grissom!. Well, are talking to a counsellor or anything?" Laney asked.  
  
"I did" Grissom replied.  
  
"You did?. Well, if it's still an issue why stop?" Laney asked.  
  
"We were just going round in circles!. I just talked - they just listened - I got no where!" Grissom replied.  
  
"Do you have friends outside Las Vegas?" Laney asked.  
  
"I'm fine!" Grissom insisted.  
  
"Just because you deny it, Grissom - doesn't make it fine!" Laney declared angrily frustrated.  
  
Laney paused and took a deep breath. She then continued,  
  
"Back in California, Sara has plenty of social support!. She even has friends!. So frankly, she's not the one I'm so worried about!. It's you!. Everyone's noticed you and Sara's problems - but no one appears to be kicking your asses into shape!. But I'm not going to stand by and let you destroy yourself!" Laney exclaimed  
  
"I noticed!" Grissom laughed to hide the pain he felt.  
  
"Grissom, this is serious!. Let's try this!. True or false? - when you were waiting to go into your operation, before Catherine came, your ass was scared and wished - wished so hard!!! - that you had someone to rely on - to care about you!. And true or false - when Catherine's ass did turn up you were relieved - you were as delighted as anything!. You WANTED her!. True or false?" Laney demanded.  
  
Grissom paused and was reluctant to answer,  
  
"True" he muttered ashamed.  
  
"There's nothing wrong with wanting human contact, Grissom!. Telling Catherine - No in fact! - Wanting Catherine! - That was the smartest thing it sounds like you've ever done in a long long time. But don't stop!. Don't forget that feeling! - how relieved you were - how much easy it became!. You can have that 24/7. And my point is Grissom is that I'm not going to sit by and watch you - either! - a) drive yourself into the depths of depression and perhaps suicide - or! - b) die alone and have people find your rotten body a year after your death - cos you've driven away any form of friend or family member left in your life!. Your be like a cat lady - except your be insect man!. Neighbours will report a funny smell - and the police will find Gil Grissom's decomposed body being eaten by the insects he so dearly loved!" Laney declared.  
  
Grissom laughed but Laney begun crying. Grissom immediately went over and comforted her.  
  
"Hey hey!. Sweetheart what's wrong?. Why are crying?. Don't cry!. Are you crying over me?. I'm not worth it!" Grissom asked.  
  
Laney nodded and laughed through the tears.  
  
"Yeah!. Funnily enough Grissom people do care about you whether you like it or not!. I can't help but care. I just can't stand by and watch people destroy themselves!" Laney declared tearfully.  
  
"I suppose I'm extra alert because. Well, I had this close friend. She killed herself - because she was depressed. Everyone noticed her life was a bit of a mess!. But no one wanted to say anything. They didn't realise how urgent it was!" Laney confessed.  
  
Laney thought to herself and gave a laugh,  
  
"It's a bit like my aunt!. No one wants to." Laney stopped mid sentence and didn't finish.  
  
Grissom gave a small laughed and further comforted Laney.  
  
"I'm not depressed and I'm not going to kill myself!" Grissom said sweetly.  
  
Laney wiped her eyes and sighed.  
  
"Look!. You don't need to tell me anything!. I'm not even saying you need to tell anyone today. I'm just saying talk to SOMEONE about it - sometime in the near future!. And let me give you some advice. One! - "No man is an island!" - John Donne. "Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when you put yourself aside to feel deeply for another person" - Tennessee Williams. And last but not least - "Without the correction, the reflection and the support of other presences, being is not merely unsafe - it is a horror!"  
  
"George MacDonald" Grissom answered, deeply convinced.  
  
"Just promise me talk to someone about whatever has made you shut people out!. And before I go - give me a hug!. Please!" Laney asked.  
  
Grissom smiled and said,  
  
"Who's the hug for?. Me or you?".  
  
Then Grissom opened his arms for her to come over and tears began to run down his face. They hugged with meaning. When they had finished Laney looked Grissom right in the eye and said,  
  
"Are you going to be alright?" Laney asked.  
  
Grissom nodded.  
  
"I'm going to call Catherine!" Grissom admitted.  
  
Laney smiled. Then finally she blew Grissom a kiss and planted the hand on his forehead. Then she left. Leaving Grissom alone in floods of tears. As soon as Laney left Grissom went over and shut every blind and locked his door. Then he sat, thought to himself and eventually the tears escalated but were still silent. He cried and cried and cried. Then eventually after fifteen minutes. He picked up the phone and called Catherine.  
  
"Hey Grissom. What's up?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Catherine. Can we talk?. Like now!" Grissom asked tearfully.  
  
"Grissom, what's wrong?. Sure we can talk" Catherine replied concerned.  
  
"We can take a long lunch!" Grissom said.  
  
"What will the boss say?!" Catherine joked.  
  
"I'm the boss and I say we can!" Grissom laughed through the tears.  
  
Grissom paused and sighed.  
  
"Catherine. I'm serious. I really want to talk. I need to talk - I need to talk to you about Emily!.  
  
"Oh my god!" Catherine replied.  
  
"And. And more importantly - I need to introduce you to Laura" Grissom confessed bursting into more tears.  
  
"Right - Ummm - wow!. Ummm. I'll be finished in ten minutes. I'll be right over" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"Thank you" Grissom replied.  
  
"No sweat. Ummm Grissom? - are you sure you want to talk about this with me?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Positive!" Grissom replied. 


	17. Teacher's pet

A couple of days after Alaney's lecture, Grissom noticed Laney alone in the break room and went in to see her.  
  
"What are you doing this evening?" Grissom asked Laney excitedly.  
  
"Nothing. Why?" Laney asked.  
  
"Because I'm taking you out to thank you!. Dinner sound alright to you?" Grissom replied.  
  
"And a movie" Laney replied playfully.  
  
"What kind of movie?" Grissom asked cautiously.  
  
"You choose" Laney replied.  
  
"You wouldn't like the movies I like" Grissom replied.  
  
"Well, unless it's lesbian porn - I'm sure I'll learn to like it. Adapt and similarities, remember Grissom?. You tell me what you like about a film and I'll learn to appreciate that. You seem like a masterpiece guy - am I right?. So, if it's a masterpiece - I'm sure to like it. I may be young, Mr Grissom - but I'm not rigid. You've got to appreciate a variety. You look like a classical music man. Well, my favourite piece of classical music is Beethoven's midnight sonata" Laney replied.  
  
"A fine choice. My favourite is Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Flowers"  
  
"I don't know. It always sounds like a child's tune to me!. But hey! - your choice!. So what movie are we seeing?" Laney asked.  
  
"Nosferatu" Grissom replied.  
  
"It's lucky I don't get nightmares!. Is this like part of my CSI training?" Laney asked amused.  
  
"Maybe" Grissom replied playfully.  
  
"I'll come pick you up from Sara's at six thirty tonight" Grissom said delighted as he was leaving.  
  
"It's a date!" Laney replied playfully.  
  
"In your dream, Goldilocks!" Grissom replied back playfully.  
  
Just as Grissom left Sara walked in. she hadn't heard a word they were saying but she could immediately sense the magic.  
  
"Grissom and I are going on a date tonight!" Laney said playfully.  
  
"What?!" Sara replied worried.  
  
"It's a joke, Sara!. He's just taking me out to thank me for something I did for him" Laney replied.  
  
"Oh yeah and what was that?" Sara asked unimpressed.  
  
"It's private!. Like your 'emotional' side at work is private!" Laney said annoyed.  
  
Then Laney decided to play with Sara a bit and said as she was walking out,  
  
"Don't wait up!".  
  
The next day, Sara walked into the break room to find Nick and Warwick sitting in there.  
  
"Hey. Have you guys seen Laney anywhere?. I haven't had a chance to spend time with her in days - and I live with her!" Sara declared.  
  
Nick sniggered. Looked at Warrick who sniggered too and replied,  
  
"I passed Grissom's office a few minutes ago and she was.". Nick burst out laughing mid sentence. Warwick soon joined in.  
  
"What's so funny?. What's she been up to?. Is she annoying him?" Sara asked.  
  
"No far from it!. They look very - ummm - cosy!. Grissom is not himself round her!" Nick answered.  
  
"Yeah Sara!. What's with Grissom and your Laney?" Warwick asked laughing.  
  
"Oh don't!. I was hoping you wouldn't notice!. Did you hear about their little date last night?" Sara asked.  
  
"Laney and Grissom went on a date?. No! he wouldn't!" Nick replied.  
  
"Well, they say it's a joke. They say he's just saying thank you to her for something. But I'm telling you - there better be nothing better be going on - or I'll kill him! - My boss or not!" Sara replied worried.  
  
Nick and Warwick laughed. Nick replied,  
  
"Sara we're joking!. There's nothing going on!. It's just sweet!. He's got a little playmate! - in a non sexual sense, of course!. It's sweet he's so comfortable around her!. You don't see him like that often!. And she's so casual. But she's always like that with most people!. But hey - what's her secret? - he isn't even that comfortable with Catherine and they've known each other forever!".  
  
"I'm going to check on them!" Sara said.  
  
Sara power walked to Grissom's office. When he got there Laney was sitting ON Grissom's desk!.  
  
"Laney get off there!. I'm so sorry Grissom! - is she annoying you?. You should have told her where to get off - like your desk!" Sara said.  
  
Grissom was calm, pleasant and comfortable in Laney's presence. The whole department was quite stunned. Grissom hardly ever treated anyone like he did Laney. He didn't ever feel or act so comfortable around anyone like he did Laney. No one could quite understand - but Catherine seemed a little less surprised than the others though. She seemed to know something about their relationship. But to put it simply, Grissom was really fond of Laney.  
  
"No - she's fine!. If I didn't like her in here or on my desk I would have told her. She asked anyway. I was just teaching Laney the uses of insects in pathology!. I like a eager pupil - and Laney is always eager to learn!" Grissom said.  
  
"I was bored and so was Grissom. So I came and kept him company. You were out in the field" Laney explained.  
  
"Oh O.k. As long as she isn't causing you any trouble. Just tell her to go if she's bugging you" Sara insisted.  
  
"I will" Grissom nodded happily content.  
  
Grissom continued,  
  
"Now you see this, Laney. This may look like any beetle but it's not - this beetle only eats fresh blood. Isn't that right, Sara?".  
  
Sara just smiled and nodded unenthusiastic - then she left them to it.  
  
To be honest Sara was jealous. Firstly, Grissom was taking HER Laney away from her. Secondly, Laney was taking HER Grissom away from her. Before Sara had come to Las Vegas crime lab, Grissom and she had been 'tight' at work. Sara had been where Laney was now - except Sara was as flirty! - Sara would never have jumped onto Grissom's table!. Sara was the one Grissom was so comfortable with. Sara was the one Grissom adored. Sara couldn't work out if she was jealous or worried for Laney - or both?. Sara was worried for two reasons. Firstly, Sara was worried because since Sara joined at Las Vegas Grissom and she had never been so 'tight'. Sara had felt dropped. She had gone from teacher's pet to 'a intelligent girl who works too much'. Sara was worried in case Grissom let Laney down in the same way. Secondly, there had always been a subliminal romantic overtone between Grissom and Sara. And now Grissom was acting like this towards Sara - well, Sara worried that maybe Grissom fancied Laney. Laney was only a baby!. There was nearly thirty years between Grissom and Laney!. Sara was worried - really worried!.  
  
Sara decided the best solution was to have a word with Grissom. So later she passed Grissom's office and noticed Laney was gone but Grissom was still there.  
  
"Can I have a word, Grissom?" Sara asked.  
  
"Sure" Grissom replied.  
  
"Umm - I just wanted to - umm - what are your intentions towards my Laney?" Sara asked.  
  
Grissom was shocked. So shocked he took his glasses off and took a double look at Sara. He laughed.  
  
"Well, aren't we fitting into the mother role well!" Grissom laughed.  
  
"I'm not her mother and I'm not trying to be!. Answer the question!" Sara ordered.  
  
Sara seemed angry.  
  
"Sara!. Look!. I do not have dodgy feelings towards Laney!. I'm old enough to be her father by a long shot!. I don't have dodgy feelings for her!. And frankly if I did I would not let her get so comfortable!. She's a baby! - I could never think of her in that way!. Plus we technically work together!. I'm like her teacher figure!. You can't abuse that!. Sara, how can you think I'd do that?. Don't you know me?" Grissom asked.  
  
"How can anyone know you if you don't let them in?" Sara said.  
  
Then she left. 


	18. Everything

The following day, Nick walked into the break room where Warrick was sitting having his break.  
  
"Hey, do you mind if I turn the radio on. I need some music!" Nick said.  
  
Warwick got up and started channel searching for Nick. Finally, he got to a channel playing "Everywhere" by Michelle Branch.  
  
"Just tell me how I got this far. Just tell me why you're here and who you are"  
  
Warwick was about to continue searching when Nick stopped him,  
  
"No wait - I love this song!" Nick said.  
  
"Who is it?. I haven't heard it before" Warwick said.  
  
"A singer called Michelle Branch. She's new. A bit young for me and not my type anyway. But I just love the song!" Nick replied.  
  
So they sat and listened to the song.  
  
"Cos your everywhere to me. And when I close my eyes it's you I see. Your everything I know that makes me believe I'm not alone" the song sang.  
  
Sara was passing and stormed in,  
  
"Who's that?!?!. That's my song!. What the hell?. Is that singer called Michelle Linton?" Sara demanded astounded.  
  
"A ha! - no!. It's Michelle Branch!. Very funny Sara - Joke's over!" Nick said.  
  
Sara picked up her mobile and started dialling.  
  
"Nick, why would I lie about this?. Maybe Branch is her stage name - knowing her it sounds like just the name she'd come up with! - but her real name is Michelle Linton. And she's my cousin. And we wrote that song together!. No reply! - she's not at home!" said frustrated.  
  
"How convenient!" Nick gloated.  
  
"Hey if don't believe me Nick - how about I tell you the words" Sara said frustrated.  
  
"Your everywhere to me!" Sara said.  
  
"Your everywhere to me" the song sang.  
  
"When I close my eyes your all I see" Sara said.  
  
"When I close my eyes your all I see" the song sang.  
  
"You just know that because you've heard the song before!" Nick said.  
  
Suddenly the music faded out mid song and the singer was being interviewed,  
  
"Congratulations it looks like your first single is going to storm the charts. So Michelle tell us how did you come up with the idea for the song?" the interviewer asked.  
  
"Well, I co wrote it with my cousin Sara" Michelle said.  
  
Sara looked at Nick.  
  
"Sarah is a common name!. It proves nothing!" Nick insisted.  
  
"She was in love with someone she couldn't have and so we wrote a song about it" Michelle continued.  
  
The song started again - this time from the first verse: "Turn it inside out so I can see. The part of you that's drifting over me. And when I wake your never there, your never there. And when I sleep your everywhere. Your everywhere" - then the music cut forward to the chorus "Cos your everywhere to me. When I close my eyes your all I see". Then the music stopped and "You get me" began playing and the interviewer begun to interview Michelle more ("So I'm a little left of centre. I'm a little out of tune. Some say I'm paranormal I just bend their spoon. Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world!. I don't care what their saying as long as I'm your girl")  
  
"Now Michelle. Your first single hasn't even been released yet and your album is out next week and your next single is already in the pipeline. The next single is entitled "You get me" - what's this one about?" the interviewer enquired.  
  
"Well, I wrote this with another one of my cousins - Alaney" Michelle answered.  
  
"Is Alaney a common name, Nick?. Still a coincidence?" Warwick said.  
  
"I don't believe it!. You're really related to a famous person!. You've got to introduce us!" Nick said.  
  
"I grew up in this strange environment living with all my cousins and family and family friends. It was a bit like a hippy." Michelle continued on the radio.  
  
"Don't say it, Michelle!" Sara pleaded with the radio.  
  
".commune!" Michelle said.  
  
Sara died of embarrassment. She sat down her hands on her face ashamed.  
  
"You grew up in a hippy commune?" Nick asked amused.  
  
"That's it! - I'm calling her cell phone!" Sara decided and picked up her mobile again.  
  
"So in our local town we got labelled as strange. We got called gypsies. They just couldn't understand our lifestyle. My cousin, Alaney, had had a really bad time of it one day and so we wrote this song. It's also about my boyfriend Tim - who accepts me for who I am and no matter where I've come from" Michelle explained.  
  
Then the interview finished and the song 'U get me' continued - "You get me. When nobody understands you come and take a chance".  
  
"Hi Sara!" Michelle replied down the phone  
  
"Nick turn the radio off!" Sara demanded.  
  
"What the hell are you thinking!!!!. How dare you!!!" Sara shouted down the phone.  
  
"So you heard the single. Are you really that angry?. Don't worry I've got a cheque waiting for you!. I wouldn't try and rob you - your name is down there too!" Michelle defended.  
  
"I don't care about the money, Michelle!. That's not why I'm calling!. I'm angry because you've paraded my personal business across the radio waves!. Are mad?. Do you have a death wish?. Because if anyone finds out what that song is about you'll end up dead in the bottom of some lake!" Sara shouted.  
  
"No I won't!. I'll just use blackmail - you should try it some time!" Michelle said.  
  
"Blackmail is even more reason to get yourself killed, Michelle!" Sara shouted.  
  
"Calm down! Calm down!. I'm in Las Vegas. I'll be with you in ten minutes max - I'm just down the road" Michelle said.  
  
"What?. What are you doing in Las Vegas?" Sara asked.  
  
"I'll explain when I see you" Michelle said and out the phone down.  
  
"Michelle? Michelle?" Sara shouted down the phone confused.  
  
Sara put the phone down.  
  
"Well, it looks like your lucky day Nick!. Michelle's coming down here!" Sara said unpleased.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Michelle turned up at the break room door.  
  
"Hey gorgeous!" Michelle said.  
  
"Don't hey gorgeous me!. Do you realise how much trouble you've put me in!" Sara said.  
  
"You always knew I wanted to be a chart singer - you must have expected this!. You haven't even congratulated me!. But then again - you never did think I would make it did you, Sara?" Michelle said.  
  
"I'm sorry but I've got to be honest, Michelle - I didn't!. Not because your not good enough - but because it's all down to chance!. But your right - congratulations!. Now what on earth are we going to do about that song?" Sara asked.  
  
"No one need know who it's about. No one who we haven't told will guess!. It will be fine!. Neither of us will end up dead in a lake!. Look Sara, I'm sorry but the emotion you have is - is fantastic!. That's why the song is so good!. And well - most of my songs are about you! - either written or inspired by you and your situation!. So " Michelle said.  
  
"What?!?" Sara said.  
  
"Your emotion - your words! - the way you feel is amazing!" Michelle said.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"O.k. As long as my parents don't find out who the songs are about!" Sara said.  
  
"I'm not going to tell them am I?" Michelle said.  
  
Nick stood up now they'd finished.  
  
"Hi I'm Nick Stokes!. A friend of Sara's and a big fan!" Nick said holding out his hand.  
  
"I have a fan!" Michelle said delighted.  
  
Sara smiled,  
  
"Get used to it!" She said.  
  
Sara thought to herself.  
  
"Hey, Michelle why are you here?" Sara asked.  
  
"All my immediate family are - Daven too" Michelle said.  
  
"Any reason?" Sara said.  
  
Michelle grabbed Sara and took her over to a corner. Michelle started whispering,  
  
"Your in danger!. Your parents are coming back to take Laney away from you. And this time their not going back without her, they said!. Threats have been made!. So we thought we'd come down and be referees. My family are not on sides. But we don't want to see you hurt!. Furthermore - My dad says he'll move us out of the community so Laney can live with us!" Michelle whispered.  
  
Sara looked stunned and distressed.  
  
"Your parents, my family and Daven are back at your apartment waiting for you to return from work!. I've got to go and tell the family your at work. When your coming home tell us and we can sit down and all talk civilally about this!. Don't worry! - my dad and Daven are there for you 24/7. But! - your parents are not going to give up. I'm sorry Sara - I know you love her - but I think you need to give her to my dad. Your parents have had time to think it over and they're not going to give up this time!" Michelle whispered. Then Michelle left.  
  
Sara found it really hard to concentrate the rest of the day. She was so stressed out by her parents returning and threatening to not leave without Laney. She was riddled with worry. What was she going to do?.  
  
"Sara! Sara!. Are you listening to what I'm saying?" Catherine asked as they stood in the lab.  
  
"Sorry Catherine - what was that?" Sara asked.  
  
Catherine carried on explaining her findings and what she thought they meant when Sara suddenly collapsed!.  
  
Next thing Sara knew she was lying on a bed in the infirmary room. She could hear Nick saying,  
  
"I knew that girl wasn't getting enough sleep!".  
  
Then Grissom saying,  
  
"It's my fault. I've been putting too much on her!".  
  
Then Sara heard Catherine realise Sara was regaining consciousness and saying,  
  
"Sara!. Guys she's waking up!".  
  
When Sara regained full consciousness she noticed Laney was sitting next to her holding her hand. Catherine, Nick, Grissom and Warwick were standing round.  
  
"Shouldn't you guys be working?" Sara joked with a meek smile.  
  
"Are we glad to see you awake!. Are you o.k., honey?" Catherine asked.  
  
"We were really worried about you!" Warwick said.  
  
Sara smiled. Then she remembered her parents were waiting for her at home and suddenly wasn't relieved anymore. 


	19. With or without you

Sara, her parents, Daven and Uncle Lenny argued all night. Alaney, Michelle and Michelle's sisters had been told to go do something till morning. Alaney didn't know what was going on at Sara's. All she knew was she trusted Sara to sort it. That didn't stop her worrying about Sara's health though.  
  
Alaney returned around ten the next morning to find no one around except Daven and Sara. They were curled up together on the sofa. Daven was comforting a crying Sara.  
  
"You o.k.?. Have they gone?" Laney asked.  
  
Sara nodded tearfully.  
  
"I think Lenny and the girls are on a plane back home by now. But me and Sara's parents are staying for another day - just in case" Daven replied.  
  
"Just in case what?" Laney asked.  
  
"Thanks Daven. Can you go back to see my parents now?. Please!. I need to be alone with Laney!" Sara said.  
  
Daven got up quietly, got his coat, kissed Sara and Laney on the cheeks and then left.  
  
"What's going on?" Laney asked.  
  
"Come and sit down. We need to talk" Sara said disturbed.  
  
Laney sat next to her anxiously.  
  
"What's going on?. Is someone hurt?. Has someone died?" Laney asked.  
  
After all, Sara was acting like someone had died.  
  
"No. No one is seriously hurt and no one will be anymore. Because it's all going to stop" Sara replied still trance like.  
  
"That's wonderful!. So what's wrong?" Laney asked  
  
Sara looked Laney in the eyes and began to cry.  
  
"I'm so sorry Laney!. I know I promised you! - But! - But! - but I've got to sent away" Sara admitted.  
  
Laney was dumbfounded. You could see the colour drain from her face.  
  
"What?!?. Why?!?", Laney asked. "You promised!" Laney shouted.  
  
"Please don't hate me!. I have no choice!" Sara cried.  
  
Sara tearfully tried to hold Laney but Laney pushed her away.  
  
"You promised!", Laney shouted again, "You said you loved me!. That you'd look after me!".  
  
"I do love you!. That's why I'm doing this!" Sara claimed frantically.  
  
Sara stopped and took a deep breath.  
  
"Your going to live with Uncle Lenny. He's going to move away from camp cuckoo so he can protect you!" Sara insisted tearfully.  
  
"No!. Don't make out your doing this for me! - Your doing this to save your own skin! - Or maybe your bored of me?. So you think you can just up and drop me!. What did they say or do to make you change your mind?. If their making threats, Daven and Lenny won't let it happen!" Laney insisted.  
  
"They can't be with us 24/7, Laney! - even if they wanted to!" Sara shouted.  
  
Laney went quiet.  
  
"Fine. But don't pin this on me - admit it!. You'd rather save your own skin than mine!" Laney insisted.  
  
"I'd die for you, Laney!" Sara shouted.  
  
Then Sara went quiet.  
  
"But I'm not the one he's threatening to kill. Your much more useful dead than I am" Sara admitted.  
  
Laney was shocked.  
  
"Whoa!. Wait a moment!. Don't you think your getting a little bit heavy here!. Why are we talking about killing?. Don't be silly - your over reacting!. Your dad wouldn't kill anyone unless it was an accident!. And anyway, your parents don't care as much as that about you ruining your career!!!. Sara just tell them you prefer me and they'll understand!!!. Tell them your life will be over if you give me away not the other way round. This is getting ridiculous!! - why do your parents care so much?!?" Laney replied.  
  
Sara was silent for a long time then finally began to speak,  
  
"My parents care because - Well!. Before you were born, there was a major crime that took place - My father was heavily involved in it!. And someone died!. And your mother found out. She didn't want you - you were just the result of some one night stand she'd had and she didn't want kids at that time in her life - and still doesn't. But she wanted you to be looked after. She didn't want to have you put in care because of all those abuse cases you hear. So she blackmailed my dad. She left you on the doorstep saying that if he didn't make sure you were looked after properly then she would tell the police what happened and he'd be put away for life! - because HE killed someone!. Your mother knew Boby had a lovely wife, who was a brilliant mother to their daughter - me!. And your mother also knew that if Boby didn't want to risk keeping you himself then he and mom had so many friends and relatives who seemed like such good and loving people that he would give you to them and they'd look after you well. So, she gave you to him to make sure you were looked after well and made him promise not to put you in care ever. We've always stayed in contact with her and she has always - right up to this day - maintained the wish for you never to see her or know who she is or know who your father is" Sara explained.  
  
"Still?" Laney asked.  
  
"She build a new life - and there's no room for you in it!" Sara said.  
  
"What?. Like a new family?" Laney asked.  
  
"I can't tell you. I've said too much about her!. Anyway!. My parents don't want you to be associated with them or me because their petrified that you or someone else will go sniffing around looking for your parentage and they'll stumble across dad's past - and he'll be put away for life!. And when your facing a life sentence - then it's worth risking another one!. Because a life sentence and a life sentence still equals life!" Sara said.  
  
Laney was stunned. She looked really pale and looked like she was about to be sick.  
  
"Did your dad accidentally kill this person?" Laney asked upset.  
  
"No, not really. He knew what he was doing" Sara said tearfully.  
  
"How can this crime and this murder have all been covered up?" Laney asked.  
  
"There were no witnesses except for those who were involved or told. And all those who threaten to tell are threatened with death" Sara said.  
  
"Why didn't or haven't forensics picked it up?" Laney asked.  
  
"The police don't know the crime or the murder took place. It's all been covered up and the evidence hidden away" Sara said.  
  
Laney looked at Sara shocked.  
  
"But if he kills me in Nevada then he might get the electric chair! - it's not worth killing me then!" Laney said.  
  
"He says if he gets a life sentence he may as well be dead so he'd rather risk it. He said he might commit suicide anyway" Sara said.  
  
Laney looked astounded.  
  
"I just want to protect you, Laney. If you don't live with me and if you don't go digging round into your parentage - then my dad says he won't kill you" Sara said.  
  
"Isn't there any way I can find out who my parents are without finding out about his crimes?. Or even if I promise not to tell anyone what he did!" Laney asked.  
  
"No Laney!. It isn't that simple!. It's impossible!. For a start, he can't risk you knowing and telling - even if you say you won't now - well, you might change your mind!. Secondly, Laney the deal with your mother was that if you didn't know who your parents were then your mother would make sure no one knew the crimes dad had done"  
  
"So your saying if I find out who my mother is, then she will tell everyone what he did because I found out?" Laney reiterated.  
  
Laney put her hands on her cheeks and sighed in shock.  
  
"I never thought your dad was capable of murder!" Laney said.  
  
Laney turned and looked at Sara.  
  
"And how do you feel about all this? - what your dad is?!?" Laney asked.  
  
"I love you both. I hate my father but part of me also loves him no matter how evil he's been - and I don't want him to go to jail, Laney!. More than anything though - I love you!. You've become like a substitute daughter/sister to me all rolled into one and It really kills me to lose you. But even if I got him put in jail - I just can't be sure it wouldn't be able to get you!. Look at me Laney! - do you think this is easy?. I don't want him to kill you - So this is the only way!. I love you though - I love you so much!. You've always been like an estranged sister to me - because you were given to MY family!. And now you've become like a daughter and a sister to me! - all rolled into one!. And I love you so much and that's why I'm doing this!" Sara replied tearfully.  
  
They had a massive tear-filled hug.  
  
"Well, it explains a lot. It explains why you always seemed to avoid me as a child. And why you didn't want me to live with you. It explains why your parents are kicking up such a fuss - and why you and your family have always avoided me but seemed to have a secret soft spot for me too!" Laney said.  
  
"I didn't mean to seem a heartless cow, Laney!. I was just scared what would happen if I spend too much time with you!" Sara explained.  
  
"I understand" Laney cried.  
  
"Laney. Please don't tell my parents I've told you later!. I've said too much!" Sara explained.  
  
Laney nodded.  
  
Finally Laney took a deep breath to take it all in.  
  
"I better go pack then!. Your right it's the only way!" Laney said tearfully.  
  
"I love you!" Sara reiterated.  
  
"I know. I love you too" Laney reassured her.  
  
Sara took a deep breath and said,  
  
"Daven and you are getting a bus to the airport tomorrow morning. I'm sorry but I just can't bare to drive you! - and I'll be in too much of a state anyway!. You'll get the plane back to California. My parents will be on a plane the next day. I'm sorry but you and Lenny's family will have to live in camp cuckoo for just a few weeks more because Lenny has to find a new house. Lenny was thinking of San Francisco. How does that sound?. It's far away enough from both me and my parents. No you can't live here until they get a house - before you ask!. Your not allowed to live nearby me before you ask!. You can visit me but I wouldn't mention it to my parents - I don't think they'd like it!. And I wouldn't visit too often!. This isn't the way I want it though!".  
  
"I know" Laney said.  
  
Laney got up and went to her room and packed her stuff. This left Sara stressed and worried on the sofa. She began crying uncontrollably again.  
  
The next morning, Libby and Daven sat on the sofa as Sara and Laney said their tearful goodbyes.  
  
"It's for the best, Laney. We both know that. You deserve more than some woman who has no time for you because of her career. You deserve more than some woman who's only old enough to be your sister. You deserve more than some woman who has no child raising experience and has no siblings to offer you!. Uncle Lenny is the best you can get!. He has siblings to offer you and experience with raising kids!. And he's your uncle - biology or not! - so he loves you - and now - now your be like a daughter to him. You can go home to him during college holidays and he'll accept you like a daughter. I don't need to tell you this! - you know how he took our cousin Chrissie in and treats her like his own!. I admit he can't offer you a mother figure since Aunt Jenny died but - but he's the best option!" Sara declared.  
  
"I know" Laney said  
  
Sara burst out crying.  
  
"You know I love you more than anything!. I love you like you were my own!" Sara said.  
  
They hugged. Both of them were in floods of tears.  
  
"I love you too!" Laney said nodding.  
  
Eventually they had to finish their hug so Laney could go. Laney picked up her bags to leave. Daven got up and started to help her with her bags. Daven and Laney were about to go when Laney stopped and turned to Sara.  
  
"Wait!. Daven can you take my bags downstairs and give me a minute with Sara" Laney said.  
  
"Of course" Daven said and left.  
  
"Sara. There's something I need to tell you!. I'm not trying to change your mind - and I know you have no choice. I just really need to tell you something!" Laney declared.  
  
Laney took a deep breath.  
  
"Look!. I know Uncle Lenny loves me!. I know I can't live with you!. I know living with Uncle Lenny is for the best. And I've always dreamed of having brothers or sisters - especially ones near my age!. And Michelle is one of my best friends in the world! - who else could I prefer to live with than my best friend?!?. Well to be frank YOU, Sara!. I'd prefer to live with you than my best friend!?!" Laney explained.  
  
"Why?!?!" Sara declared.  
  
"I was just about to explain if you let me carry on!. Sara!. No one! - absolutely no one! - has loved me like you have!. Let me explain!. Umm. It's the way you look at me, Sara!. No one has looked so in love with me that way before!" Laney explained.  
  
Laney began crying again and then continued,  
  
"Miranda loved me. But she never loved like I was her child. She loved me like a niece or something. And uncle Lenny will look at me and love me the same way as Miranda. He has his own children. I'm 18! - I haven't grown up with him like Chrissie!. And Chrissie has always been the odd one out really!. I'll never be like one of his own!. But, you Sara! - you have no other children! - so I get the impression that might be why you look at me with such love. I love that you love me!. And I don't think anyone will love me like you have!. Even as a child I noticed it. You spent a lot of time avoiding me! - but on the rare occasions you looked me in the eye - you had this look of complete love and adoration for me!. And just when I thought you couldn't love me anymore I come here and you do!. I don't think anyone can love me as much as you do!" Laney explained.  
  
Laney took a deep breath.  
  
"I've given up on my parents. They don't love me - and you've made that clear enough. So they don't love me more than you!. You're the closest I've ever got to a mother!. And I don't know why I'm telling you this!. I know I can't live with you and I'm not trying to change your mind. But I just really think you need to know this!. And I think you need to know that I believe you can be a really good mother - so go have yourself a child!. I know your scared because you don't think you'll be a good one and love them enough! - but I'm telling you your going to be a fantastic mother!. 'All you need is love' hey?. You'll be able to look after that child because you'll love them so much! - plus your clever so you won't have a problem learning the practicals! - plus I know your love your child more than your job because you love me more! - so you won't mind giving up your job for a year or two. You've even got loads of money!. So don't be scared anymore! - I just wanted you to know your be a great mother!" Laney said.  
  
Sara was stunned and speechless that Laney had realised all this. After a while Sara tearfully said,  
  
"It doesn't matter if I have other children. I want you too!".  
  
Sara took a deep breath and sat on the sofa. And suddenly she burst into uncontrollable floods of tears. Libby came over and comforted her but Sara flinched her off. Sara's tear fit lasted a long while. After some time Laney interrupted,  
  
"Ummm. Sara! - I've got to go!".  
  
Sara calmed herself down, wiped away her tears and got up. She opened her arms and her and Laney hugged her.  
  
"Oh darling!. Goodbye!. I love you!" Sara said.  
  
Laney smiled and left.  
  
Then Sara sat back down on the sofa. This time she didn't have a crying fit. She just curled up in a ball with a box of tissues and sat in a trance like state of devastation. She was heartbroken and that was how she was behaving. Libby didn't know what to do to make her feel better. So Libby just sat there feeling awkward and useless because she couldn't do anything to make her daughter feel better. After five minutes of both the women thinking to themselves Libby tried to say something - just anything!.  
  
"I'm sorry" Libby said meekly.  
  
"Just don't, mom!" Sara said fobbing Libby off.  
  
Sara got up and put a cd in her cd player and then went back to her curled up distraught position on the sofa. The song begun playing - it was U2's 'With or Without you'. Libby recognised it straight away.  
  
"Gees Sara!. Do you need to be so dramatic!" Libby exclaimed.  
  
Then Sara begun to whisper along in her hypnotic distraught state,  
  
"See the stone set in your eyes. See the thorn twist in your side. I wait for you!. Sleight of hand - and twist of 'fate'!. On a bed of nails she makes me wait. And I wait without you!", she whispered along distraught and dramatic, "With or without you. With or without you. Through the storm we reach the shore. You give it all BUT I WANT MORE!!!!!. And I'm waiting for you!. With or without you. With or without you. I can't live with or without you!!!!".  
  
Sara began to sing a bit louder than a whisper,  
  
"My hands are tied!. My body bruised!. She's got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose. And you give yourself away!!!!. And you give yourself away!!!. And you give!- And you give!- And you give yourself away!!!. With or without you!!!. With or without you!. I CAN'T LIVE WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!!!!!".  
  
Finally Libby turned the cd off in frustration.  
  
"I can't do this, mom!!!", Sara shouted tearfully, "Mom, tell me I have no choice!!!. Tell me it won't work!!!. Stop me, Mom!!!! - I want to go get her back!!! - Stop me!!! - Tell me I can't!!!. Go on!!! - I'm giving you a open invitation!. Convince me!. Because I want her! - I want to go get her, Mom!. Tell me I can't!!. COME ON TELL ME!!!" Sara shouted tearfully.  
  
Libby took a deep breath.  
  
"You can" Libby confessed meekly to Sara.  
  
Sara was shocked.  
  
"What?. No mom, your right I can't!. It's impossible!" Sara confessed.  
  
"Not impossible!" Libby confessed meekly  
  
"What?", Sara asked, "How?".  
  
"Blackmail" Libby suggested.  
  
"No, it's too dangerous!. Someone will end up dead or hurt!" Sara stated.  
  
"No!. It's all threats, Sara!. He doesn't want to kill anyone!. If you make sure she never finds out who both her parents are - then everything should be fine and your dad will be happy. She's given up on her parents right?. She'd need never know. This is actually best! - the situation satisfies both your needs without her knowing! - perfect!. I'll just explain, it's perfect, to your dad!. Otherwise!. We go to the police!. Sort this all out once and for all!" Libby suggested.  
  
"No! I don't want her to know!. I don't want anyone to know!" Sara shouted.  
  
Then Sara calmed down,  
  
"Would you really do that?" Sara asked.  
  
"Of course I would!. I love you more than anything!. But I'm only going to do what you want me to do!. I'm not doing anything unless you want me to. And when you decide you want to do something I'll be right there next to you - I promise!. I'm not taking sides, Sara. I'm just trying to keep your dad sweet. And I know you don't want to lose him. And I know even if you did - you don't want everyone to know the truth. But when you do - I'll be right there by your side on your side!" Libby said.  
  
Sara was silent and shocked.  
  
"Really?" Sara asked.  
  
"I thought you knew!" Libby declared.  
  
"No", Sara said, "All I knew was you loved me. But didn't think you loved me more than yourself!".  
  
"Of course I do!" Libby insisted.  
  
"Laney's right you know. You do love her! - you love her so much!. I'd never noticed before - I was too busy panicking to notice! - but I see it now! - the way you look at her - you really love her!. I love you as much as you love, Laney!. I'd die for you! - and you'd die for Laney because! - because! - because though me and your father hate to admit it - she's become your daughter!" Libby admitted.  
  
Sara nodded tearfully.  
  
"And it's because I know how much you love her - that I'm going to let you - I mean make sure you get to keep her!" Libby said.  
  
Sara shook her head.  
  
"Dad won't agree!. It's too much of a risk!. I'll not put anyone in danger!" Sara decided.  
  
"Sara, it will be fine I'll sort him!" Libby insisted.  
  
"Like you've sorted him in the past?!" Sara said.  
  
"Sara!. It's not as bad as it seems. He won't kill anyone intentionally - he'd rather go to prison!. We blackmail him and we promise him she won't find out - and we explain how much you love her - and maybe we'll throw in a little bit of emotional blackmail if needs be!" Libby suggested confidentially.  
  
Sara looked unsure. So Libby came over and held Sara's face in her hands (so Sara looked her straight in the face) then she said,  
  
"Sara!. No mother should have their daughter taken away from them!. I would die if someone had taken you away from me!. Even now! - though you've moved out! - at least I had 18 years with you! - and at least I see get to see you!. But I know if I keep acting like this - you may just give up on me!. I would die if I lost you! - and I should know because I've been threatened with losing you so many times!. No mother should be without the daughter they love!. And you've turned into Laney's mother! - You love her more than anything in the world! - You love her as much as I love you!. I can't take your daughter away from you!. She puts the colour in your cheeks!. She makes you happy!. And you haven't been happy in a long long while baby!. And if Alaney is the answer then so be it!. I'll explain all this to your father when I'm emotionally blackmailing him!" Libby declared.  
  
"Now get in that car of yours and drive us down to that airport before she gets on that plane and you lose her!" Libby insisted.  
  
Sara was ecstatic. So relieved!. So delighted!. She gave her mother a massive hug and they left for the airport!.  
  
At the airport, Daven was in the queue waiting to check their luggage in. Laney was sitting nearby feeling down, depressed and quietly sobbing. Even though Laney knew it was impossible, Laney still checked round in case Sara had come to get her. Laney hadn't been looking round when she heard Sara shouting. When she heard it the first time she didn't believe it - she thought it was just her imagination. She figured she was hearing things and didn't even look up. But then she heard it again.  
  
"Laney! Laney!" Sara shouted, as Libby followed closely behind.  
  
"Sara! What are you doing here?" Laney asked delighted but confused.  
  
"I'm not going to give you up!. I'm taking you back home! - to my home!" Sara said.  
  
"No, you can't!. Sara, I know it's hard but you've got to turn around and go home!. It can't be!" Laney decided.  
  
"No you don't understand!. We've sorted it!. Well, we will do!. We have a plan to sort it. And as long as you don't ask questions and don't snoop about - this will all be fine!. You can come live with me forever!" Sara insisted.  
  
"Really?!?" Laney exclaimed excited.  
  
"Really!" Sara exclaimed excited back.  
  
Laney and Sara had a gigantic ecstatic hug. And Libby smiled. She smiled delighted but worried.  
  
Sara and Laney couldn't keep their hands each other, in a philia love way, for the next few days. That afternoon Sara's parents and Daven got a plane home. That night Laney and Sara stayed in to spend some quality time together. Laney fell asleep in Sara's arms and Sara decided to put on Michelle's album. She looked at the cover and found a song entitled 'Its You' and put that track on because she remembered it being about love. It was about eros love but she still felt it would apply to her philia love for Laney. So Sara put the track on and went back over and put Laney back leaning on her as Laney slept. When that track finished she looked at the cover again and found a song called 'Drop in the ocean'. Sara remembered writing this with Michelle. They wrote a lot of songs together. Sara had written it about the same person as 'Everywhere' was about. Sara decided it was quite fitting to now dedicate it to Laney. So Sara put that track on and then went back to holding Laney. As Sara sat there she couldn't help remembering Laney growing up as a child and how much she loved her. 


	20. Sharing

Sara, Grissom, Nick, Warwick and Catherine were all working two dead but identified bodies found on a deserted road out near the desert. When they got there was a Catholic priest standing by the crime scene and the police were talking to him. When Sara saw the priest she looked quite surprised. When the priest saw Sara he looked quite curious too. They seemed to know each other.  
  
"Sara?. Is that o.k.?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Sorry what?" Sara replied.  
  
"I said can you analyse the blonde woman. I'll analyse the brunette man. While the other three analyse the surrounding scene" Grissom replied.  
  
"Ummm. Sure" Sara replied.  
  
Grissom and Sara walked over to Brass who was standing next to the dead bodies.  
  
"Ah finally!. Two dead bodies. Married couple. Jennifer and Marcus Holman. Been married a year" Brass reported.  
  
"How did you identify them?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I.D. found in their pockets. Plus the priest over there identified them. They're regulars at his church. He's the one who called us. He's Father Thomas Linley. Apparently they called him saying they wanted to talk. He claims that when he got he found them already dead" Brass reported.  
  
"Well, you know what they say about the first witness to a crime and all that!" Grissom said excitedly.  
  
Brass took them over to the priest.  
  
"Minister, This is Gil Grissom and Sara Sidle from the crime lab" Brass said.  
  
"Sara Sidle!. I knew I knew you from somewhere!. You're the Sidles and the Lintons granddaughter aren't you?. We met last Christmas at the Linton's mansion" the priest said.  
  
"Yeah. How are you Father Linley?. What are you doing in Nevada?" Sara asked uneasy.  
  
"I've relocated here to Las Vegas!. Can you believe it? - 'sin city'!. How are you?. Which church are you at, dear?" Father Linley asked.  
  
"I don't. Well, I don't go in for all that stuff!. Sorry" Sara replied.  
  
"Oh. Sorry. I just thought - maybe. Then again! - I've heard about your parents - it makes sense. Well, if you ever want to visit us at St Catherine's - your very welcome. I know your grandparents would be delighted!" Father Linley said.  
  
"St Catherine?. My grandparents gave me a St Catherine necklace. They were always going on about St Catherine!. She studied science and I'm a scientist. They've given me loads of saints jewellery!. Anyway, umm sorry but I don't believe in organised religion, Father!. Sorry!. No disrespect but yeah. Father Linley can you show us yours hands, please?. It's standard procedure - priest or not" Sara said.  
  
"Of course" Father Linley said gladly co-operating.  
  
Sara started to inspect his hands and then his clothing. She found no evidence. While she was inspecting him they continued to chat,  
  
"How are your grandparents, dear?" Father Linley asked.  
  
"Umm. Their pretty good. They're in good health for their age. I was in Tamales Bay a month ago and saw them then. They were good" Sara replied.  
  
Once Sara and Grissom had finished analysing Father Linley they went on to analyse the bodies. The priest kept watching Sara as she worked. He wanted to watch out for her for her grandparents as they were his friends. He was worried because she looked really stressed. Her nails had been bitten down - but every other time he'd met her she had normal length nails. She looked like she'd had no sleep - but that could have been because of her job. But looking at her hair and face he could tell there was something worrying her - and he guessed it had nothing to do with work. He could tell a person troubled by a problem a mile off - it was part of his job and his natural born skill.  
  
He couldn't help worrying about her all day. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and decided to go visit her at the police station. Sara was told someone had come to see her and came out.  
  
"Father Linley!. What are you doing here?" Sara asked.  
  
"I haven't been able to stop worrying about you all day!. What's wrong, my dear?" Father Linley enquired.  
  
"Nothing. I'm fine. Thank you" Sara denied  
  
Father Linley sat her down.  
  
"Look, Miss Sidle. You don't know me very well and I know you're not too keen on Catholicism. But your grandparents are my friends and I know they'd want me to look after you. They go on about you and yours cousins so much that I feel I know you already!. But you see Miss Sidle, I can tell something is distressing you. I watched you today and you seemed pre occupied and stressed. I can tell a distressed person a mile off. And I just want you to know if Miss Sidle, that Catholic or not, if you want to come chat to me I'll be free from 6pm tonight or if your busy then 6pm tomorrow night instead. Or if you just call up we can arrange something. I won't bombard you with religious persuasion. I'm just a neutral sounding board - a pair of ears to listen!. I just care" Father Linley suggested.  
  
"Thanks but no thanks, father. It's really not my kind of thing!" Sara said politely.  
  
"O.k." the priest replied.  
  
"Thank you though. For noticing and caring. I've, erm, I've got to be getting back to work now. But thank you" Sara claimed.  
  
At that point, Grissom came along,  
  
"Father! - what do we owe this pleasure?. Do you have any information to offer our investigation?" Grissom asked kindly.  
  
"There is something actually!. I haven't seen Jennifer in over a week. But two days ago she had left me a note in my office at St Catherine's church. It said she had come by to speak but I wasn't there. The problem is - Looking at it now - Well I've realise! - it isn't her handwriting!. So I thought I'd give it to you lot in case - well in case it has something to do with their death" Father Linley said.  
  
"Thank you! Thank you!. We better go analyse this!. Thank you again, Father" Grissom said before rushing off.  
  
"I've got to go. But thank you again, Father" Sara said before beginning to leave.  
  
"Nice to see you again, Miss Sidle. I'll see you tonight!" Father Linley called after her.  
  
Sara froze and turned.  
  
"Father Linley, I'm not coming. I told you it's not my thing!" Sara insisted.  
  
"O.k. then. See you tonight, Miss Sidle!" Father Linley replied as he was beginning to walk off and leave.  
  
"I'm really not coming!" Sara exclaimed to the hallway to him.  
  
Father Linley just smiled.  
  
"What a pig!" Sara said.  
  
However, at 5.45pm that evening Sara was exactly where Father Linley had predicted. Sara found herself sitting in St Catherine's Catholic church of her own free will even though Father Linley had been so patronising. She wasn't entirely sure why she was there!. She certainly didn't want to prove Father Linley right. And she certainly didn't want him to think he could brainwash her with religion. But, she did want to talk. But more than that - she actually wanted God!. She had nothing else left to turn to. She'd tried human contact and it wasn't working. She didn't want to abuse drugs or alcohol - she had seen enough of the bad effects of that!. So the only thing she had left to rely on was the supernatural!. She did believe in a God after all. She didn't really know if she believed in Jesus . It was just she didn't believe in organised religion. And all her experiences of church as a child were boring and the congregation didn't seem much happier!. But she prayed sometimes and that's what she felt like doing now. So she prayed. But that was the only thing she wanted to do with God in that church. Other than that she needed to tell someone her problems before she exploded! - Father Linley seemed a nice person and would be a good listener (when he wasn't so smarmy!). So she came to his church. There was only her and another woman in the church. This other woman went into confession then came out. Confession wasn't over until 6pm. Sara thought might as well go. Her grandparents would be pleased.  
  
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned. My last confession was 17 years ago" Sara said.  
  
"What are your sins, my child?" Father Linley asked.  
  
"Well, erm. Erm. I don't respect my parents - I actually hate my father! - and your meant to respect them aren't you - so I guess that's a sin!. And erm - God gave me a gift - I - erm - I rejected that gift!. I guess that's sin too!" Sara confessed.  
  
"Are you sorry for these sins, my child?" Father Linley asked curious.  
  
"Erm. Well, no" Sara confessed.  
  
"That's Sara Sidle isn't it?" Father Linley letting the formality go.  
  
"What happened to anonymity?!?" Sara commented  
  
"Sara, you don't want to confess! - So, don't do this. It's good to see you!" he commented.  
  
"Don't gloat!. I still don't want you to try and make me Catholic. I just need to chat" Sara confessed.  
  
"For a start, I'm not trying to make you Catholic. Secondly, Confession is nearly over. So let's go check there's no one left to confess and we can go somewhere and chat face to face. O.k.?" Father Linley said.  
  
Sara and Father Linley left the confession box. There was no one around so they went to Father Linley's office and Sara talked about her past, present and future problems. Afterwards Father Linley asked if he could pray with Sara and surprisingly for him she said yes. Then he suggested she get secular or even religious counselling and she said she'd think about it. Then they returned to the main body of the church.  
  
"Hey, do you mind if I just stay here and pray? Reflect?" Sara asked.  
  
"Of course you can. We're open till 11" Father Linley replied.  
  
"Thank you for everything. It's. It's been really good talking to you - it's been a relief to get some of that off my chest!. You're a really nice man and thank you for not pushing the religious theme!. Thank you!" Sara said.  
  
"Feel free to come back anytime you want. Our doors are usually open. And say hello to your grandparents for me!. Remember you're always welcome round my house for dinner anytime - just give me a ring. I might call you up soon if I don't get that call!. And if your grandparents visit be sure to bring them over too!. Just ring anytime if you need to chat" Father Linley commented.  
  
"Thank you, father" Sara said reassured.  
  
Father Linley left and Sara sat in a pew bowed her head and prayed. A minute or two later, a man walked into the church and took a pew bowed his head and prayed himself. Minutes later Sara decided to go. She was a bit hesitant because she felt so comfortable, warm and protected in that church. She didn't want to leave because she'd have to face up to life outside those doors. But she knew she'd have to face life at some point. So she got up and began to leave. But then she stopped because she suddenly recognised the man in the pews. She didn't know whether to say anything in case he wanted privacy - he was quite a private person. But, what if he had seen her?. She decided to acknowledge him,  
  
"Grissom?" Sara said.  
  
"Sara!" Grissom replied surprised.  
  
"Sit down!. Come join me!" Grissom invited.  
  
This invitation surprised Sara as she was so used to Grissom being a private man who only liked to discuss work.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Grissom asked surprised.  
  
"Umm. Well, Father Linley knows my grandparents from California" Sara replied.  
  
"So I noticed" commented Grissom.  
  
"He noticed I was worried about something and so he asked if I wanted to chat. I've been having a lot of problems lately - I don't really want to go into it at the moment. I figured that I may as well talk to someone - an outsider. And as for God - well! - Nothing else has worked - he's the only thing left!. I didn't know you were religious - You come here often?" Sara said.  
  
"Umm. I used to be Catholic but then some things happened and eventually I gave up on Catholicism for good. Organised religion is far from God, I think - too much politics, too much hypocrisy and judgement" Grissom said.  
  
Then he sighed reluctant to go on. He looked at Sara and decided to go into more detail. So he said,  
  
"My family used to go to church regularly. Then my parents divorced. They just had to!. The reaction was horrendous!. We were shunned by the congregation, forced to leave by the priests and given dirty looks when we passed any of them in the street. No forgiveness, no reasoning and no admittance of their own wrongs. Then later in life I gave it a second chance. It was o.k. Until a close friend of mine in the congregation committed suicide. And a similar thing happened. The congregation started slagging this person off! - judging them! - condemning them!. People started to avoid me or gossip behind my back because I was close to the victim. Plus I was having a difficult time in my life. My friend's suicide had such an effect on me. I ended up leaving for the hypocrisy at least!. I vowed never to return!" Grissom said.  
  
"St Catherine's isn't like that, Mr Grissom" a voice behind them surprised them.  
  
It was Father Linley.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I just happened to hear. I'm sorry you had to go through that. If you don't mind me asking, did your friend pass on long ago?" Father Linley asked.  
  
"Twenty years ago" Grissom replied.  
  
"Well, that's explains it hopefully. As I was telling Miss Sidle - It's unusual nowadays" Father Linley said.  
  
Sara smiled.  
  
"I'm glad to hear it!" Grissom said.  
  
"I'll be in my office if you want to talk, Mr Grissom" Father Linley said.  
  
Sara and Grissom waited till Father Linley left before speaking again.  
  
"O.k. truthfully?. It wasn't just the attitude. Stuff happened in my life and it made me give on God a bit - I felt so far from him!. It took a long time to regain any type of faith" Grissom said.  
  
"Why have you come today then?" Sara asked.  
  
"I'm beginning to take huge steps in my life and I suppose I just need a little support. Like you I thought who's left to turn to? - God. Thought I might have a word with Father Linley. I'm having problems to deal with of my own." Grissom said.  
  
"Past catching you up?. I know how you feel!" Sara said almost rhetorically  
  
"Yeah" Grissom muttered in reply.  
  
"He's very good anyway - Father Linley. Very nice. I was telling him about what my parents about Catholicism. They had a similar experience to you. So they turned their back on that" Sara said.  
  
"I heard him talking to you earlier. He seemed to think you were Catholic!" Grissom said.  
  
"My grandparents tried to make me Catholic. It was mainly my mother's parents. Took me to church sometimes, gave me Catholic books and jewellery, and gave me talks on Catholicism, read the bible to me for bedtime reading and etcetera. I lived with them for a year when I was fourteen. So I had to go to church every Sunday then. They made me go to confession every week!. But it just wasn't my kind of thing!. Plus they made sure I when to Catholic schools all my life!. So I learnt a lot about Catholicism as a child. I can quote huge chunks of the bible to you - but it means nothing to me!. I was bombarded with Catholicism but nothing really convinced me to become Catholic. Every Sunday, aged 14, I went to church. But it just wasn't my kind of thing. I don't whether it was my parent's influence or what it was. I wouldn't say I don't believe - I just don't know!. My parents were so anti because of their experiences. But now! - it sounds like that sort of politics isn't in the Catholic Church anymore. I don't know!. Maybe Father Linley just seems really nice. We had a frank discussion about the reputation Catholicism has. I suppose to be truthful - I never gave Catholicism a chance because - well, I was scared" Sara said.  
  
"Scared?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Of losing my life!. There seemed to be so many rules and regulations that I didn't let myself go there. I was scared I would be unhappy. I still am. I'm happy the way I am now - I'm not going to change!. If I don't think about it - I don't worry!. As for my parents - they chose to believe the politics ruled the faith instead of the religion" Sara admitted.  
  
"Faith is not the religion, Sara - it is the state of mind!" Grissom contradicted her.  
  
Sara looked confused. Grissom explained,  
  
"Faith is the belief. Religion is the politics".  
  
"All politics?!?" Sara challenged him.  
  
Grissom laughed.  
  
"Where was I?. You interrupted me!. So my parents rebelled - they become the worst nightmare for every Catholic parent - a hippy!" Sara admitted.  
  
Grissom laughed.  
  
"My grandparents and my parents are so different!. My grandparents are posh, rich and Catholic. And well, you've met my parents!. My parents think I'm too much like my grandparents and my grandparents think I'm too much like my parents!. My parents think I'm dressed straight laced and like my grandparents plus I'm too stuck up. My grandparents think I dress too much like my parents and I don't act like a 'lady'. I don't sit up straight!" Sara commented.  
  
"I can understand what you mean. To a hippy you seem too smartly dressed, too reserved and rigid. But to the more refined person - even a white collar worker - you seem almost part smart and part almost hippy like!. Your grandparents are upper class, you look kind of middle class and your parents - well their in a class all of their own honey!" Grissom commented.  
  
"They have this on going dispute over my name. When I was born my parents wanted to wanted to name me - well I'm not telling you!. Anyway, my grandparents paid them not to!. My grandparents wanted an ordinary and preferably religious name. So they all agreed on Sarah. The catch? - what my parents didn't tell them was that they were going to deliberately knock the 'H' off to be different - unconventional!. My grandparents to this day still write 'Sarah' as my name!" Sara reminisced.  
  
"I'm both. What neither pair seems to get is that I'm neither of them - I'm in between!. Ironically, in a way they're also so similar!. Both are searching for happiness!. Both are searching for a truth!. My parents couldn't find it in Catholicism, so they tried the hippie and new age movement. They still haven't found happiness!. My mother's more unhappy than she was a teenager!. At least she's off the drugs and the sleeping around - that really screwed her up - she didn't even realise until it was pointed out to her!. Her life is terrible! - and I don't know how much is coincidence and how much of it is this so called 'happiness searching' lifestyle. I watched the unhappiness of religion and the hippy movement. Even now my parents are not so much hippies as 'new age' - and still no one in that place is happy. The kids go to school and they just can't fit in! - at least, not at first - because their so different from everyone else. Their outsiders because their so used to be brought up this way - and the parents do have every right to raise their children as they see fit!. But, it doesn't matter if they go to a private or a normal school! - Catholic or not! - they still don't fit in!. At first, I resented my parents because they made me different but I just don't know anymore!. Even if the residents are happy in camp cuckoo - they're not in the outside world!. And it's not just that - No one is happy when someone dies of a drug overdose or when they never come out of a drug induced bad trip and have to be taken to a mental institute!. I spent my whole life being torn between my parents and grandparents - both trying to turn me into them!. I'm not the Linton's only grandchild but I was their first. I was the first one they saved from the gutter!. My parents were at Berkley then they got pregnant and ran away. Didn't speak to their parents in five years. Then one day my grandparents tracked them down to this caravan trailer thing squatting somewhere. They feared for me and so they gave my parents the money to get a business together and bought them the house. Then their friends squatted nearby. My grandparents were aghast!. Eventually my grandparents bought the surrounding forest and paid for houses to be built so these people weren't camping there and making the place look a mess. Then my parents' brothers and sisters joined them as hippies, all except one. I have 5 aunts and uncles all together. Some already had children and some had them after becoming hippies. But I was the one they actually saved from the gutter!. The other children were always brought up in houses. They tried to clean my parents' lifestyle up so I would be protected from it. They made camp cuckoo - but they also made it kind of respectable!. Also I lived with my grandparents for a year when I was 14 - so they got a lot of input into my life then. Technically I was the one who most rebelled against the hippiness of my parents - the most straight laced one - the one with most potential! - worth the effort! - so they put so much more effort into me!. Everyone says it's also because I'm their favourite - but I don't know!. I'm the most straight laced but I'm still a disappointment to them!. Then again - people say I'm their favourite because Libby was their favourite!. Even though she ran away and disobeyed them - she never stopped being their subconscious favourite" Sara said.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"My grandparents didn't seem happy. But then my parents weren't happy either and neither were their fellow friends - a lot of the time they were just pretending to be happy or it was superficial because of the drugs!. Part of the unhappiness was caused by the pain and hurt of their lifestyle. Drugs have consequences and so does promiscuity!. So that wasn't the way to happiness either!. So I suppose, I tried to find my own happiness - I thought if I buried my head in books and school it would make me happy. The kids at school didn't like me because not only was I smart and hardworking but I was also weird coming from camp cuckoo!. So I wasn't happy there. My parents and my grandparents were never satisfied with me - it made me feel worthless and unhappy!. My mother always said "Be yourself" - but what she meant was "Be like us!". My grandparents always said "Don't let your parents try and change them into them - be yourself!" - but what they meant was "Be like us!". I don't think my mother did want me to be exactly like her, actually. She knew she was unhappy and she knew the hurt caused by their hippy lifestyle - they even changed tried to change their lifestyle!. I think she just wanted me to be more relaxed and less stressed. So she pushed me to be different from who I was. In the end, I just don't know who I am!. I never found the truth to happiness either. My whole life I just seemed to hide myself in my work to avoid facing up to who I am and I just avoided having an identity" Sara said.  
  
Suddenly Sara brightened up,  
  
"But I wouldn't say I'm particularly unhappy!. I'm not depressed or anything. I'm just not society's idea of a normal healthy person. I should go out more or be more social - but if I'm happy does it matter?. What people don't realise is that they make the person more unhappy by pointing it out. Can't a person decide if their happy or not?" Sara said.  
  
Sara sighed again.  
  
"Sorry, I've rattled on!. I better be going and leave you alone" Sara said getting up.  
  
"It was nice to see you, Sara. It can be scary coming here. I'm glad you were here too. And it was good to hear you talk - it was reassuring!" Grissom gestured.  
  
Sara smiled and rubbed Grissom's back lightly to comfort him.  
  
"I hope you find what you're looking for Grissom. He's a really nice man. You'll like him. I don't think he's likely to judge people. Bye Grissom" Sara said as leaving.  
  
Suddenly her phone rang,  
  
"Oh my goodness!. I'm so sorry!. I forgot to turn it off!" Sara said.  
  
Sara looked at the phone and saw,  
  
"It's Catherine" Sara whispered to Grissom.  
  
"She might be trying to get me too, then!" Grissom said.  
  
"Hi Catherine" Sara said.  
  
"What?!?. Oh my goodness!. What happened?. I'll be right there!" Sara reacted.  
  
Sara turned the phone off. She looked pale and nearly fainted. Grissom came rushing over and sat her down. Sara began crying.  
  
"What's happened?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Laney's in intensive care!. She just collapsed suddenly!. She was out on the field apparently - assigned to shadow Ecklie's team. He was really good with her apparently actually - she didn't wake up, so he called an ambulance and got her off to hospital comfortably. They tried calling me but couldn't get me. They got Catherine though and she's with her now. She's unconscious!. What's wrong with her?. I've got to go!. I've got to go see her!" Sara said.  
  
"I'll drive you!" Grissom said.  
  
"What if she dies, Grissom?. I can't lose her!. What if I'm not there and Laney dies!" Sara said.  
  
"It might not be life threatening!" Grissom said.  
  
"I don't even know why she's collapsed!?!. What's wrong with her?!?" Sara said. 


	21. Revelation

"Umm excuse me, I'm looking for Alaney Rose. She was taken in a few hours ago" Sara told the woman at the hospital reception desk.  
  
"Are you a relative?" the woman asked.  
  
"Yes I am" Sara replied.  
  
The woman told her what room Alaney was in and Sara made her way hurriedly. Grissom followed refusing to leave when Sara had suggested he go. He was desperate to stay. When Sara got there she was greeted by a doctor.  
  
"Are you a relative?" the doctor asked.  
  
"I am" Sara told him.  
  
"What is your relationship to Miss Rose" the doctor asked.  
  
Sara looked distressed to tell him.  
  
"Ma'm I need to know. Please, sit down. Alaney has suffered kidney failure" the doctor explained.  
  
"What!. How? Why?" Sara asked  
  
"Preferably she needs a kidney transplant as soon as possible and her relatives are our first call. Could you contact other relatives and ask them if they'd be willing to be tested?. Would you be willing to be tested, Ma'm?" the doctor asked.  
  
"Of course!. Why are we waiting around here then?. How long has she got before it's too late?" Sara asked shocked and panicked.  
  
"She's alright she's on temporary dialysis. She's not conscious yet but it very unlikely she won't be in the next 24 hours - her body just needs to recuperate. Preferably we need relatives to donate because it's more likely they'll be a match. If not we'll find a non relative kidney - mostly likely a cadaver - that's a deceased person. If she rejects that kidney we'll try dialysis - but that will involve her coming into hospital every week for the rest of her life. Preferably we need relatives being tested as soon as possible" the doctor said.  
  
"I think I might be of real use!" Sara said excited.  
  
"What relative are you, Ma'm?. Some can be more likely than others" the doctor asked.  
  
"I'm the most chance a child could ever get!" Sara replied.  
  
"A sibling?. They're often the most likely match. Identical twins are best" the doctor replied.  
  
"She hasn't got a twin I'm afraid. Doctor how did she get kidney failure?" Sara asked alerted.  
  
"She has a duplex kidney doesn't she?" the doctor replied looking at her medical records.  
  
"Yeah, but that isn't serious enough to cause kidney failure!. Even if it had got to that stage - she would have been in hospital before now with a kidney infection!" Sara reasoned.  
  
"Ah but there's a catch. She has anorexia!" the doctor said looking at the medical records.  
  
"What?. No, this can't be happening!" Sara said devastated.  
  
"Because she has a duplex kidney plus an eating disorder it's caused great damage to her kidney - it's now failed and now the anorexia plus the work being demanded on the one working kidney is causing the other one to also begin to fail. She needs a kidney immediately before both of them fail!" the doctor insisted.  
  
"But how can she be anorexic?!?. No! - She isn't skinny, doctor!. Have you seen her?. I wouldn't call her fat but she's a healthy weight!!" Grissom disputed.  
  
"Yeah!. You've got to be wrong. We've seen her eat!. She eats lots!" Sara disputed.  
  
The doctor looked at the medical records.  
  
"Sorry I got it wrong. Most of the eating disorder is actually bulimia and only some anorexia bouts. Bulimia is having a worse effect on those kidneys!. They just couldn't cope!" the doctor said.  
  
"Have you checked if she's pregnant?" Sara asked.  
  
"What?" Grissom said.  
  
"Well, you say she's got eating disorders but she isn't skinny - so where's the weight coming from?" Sara said.  
  
The doctor looked at her medical records.  
  
"She's not pregnant, nope", the doctor replied, "she's hasn't been bulimic for that long actually - it's not showing yet. Plus I assume that her digested eating is outweighing her non digested eating. Plus often starving your self for only a day or two at a time actually makes you put weight on - your body produces fat to survive. She's isn't that far down the line of a eating disorder - 3 or 4 months tops - plus she doesn't seem very committed. But because she has a duplex kidney her body just couldn't cope with her messing around with it. Plus on top of her eating disorder she moved to Nevada!. She's not used to such heat and she's hardly been drinking fluids from the look of it!. This harmed a kidney already in trouble. All factors added up - equals a failed kidney and the other one is on its way if we're not careful!" the doctor replied.  
  
"Grissom can I have word with you in private?. Excuse me doctor" Sara said.  
  
Sara took Grissom aside.  
  
"Are you really related to her, Sara?. Because if your not you need to tell him right now!" Grissom insisted.  
  
"I wasn't lying to the hospital staff about being her relative, Grissom. Laney is my sister!. My dad got some woman pregnant and so she dump her on our doorstep. Paternity's even been proven. Look Grissom, I need to have a private word with the doctor about Laney's medical history and my family's etc. So - please could you go get a coffee with Cath or something. I'll keep you updated when you return. Just give us twenty minutes tops!" Sara admitted.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me? - Oh Sara! - I wish you'd told us!. It makes sense, I suppose!. She reminds you me of you - even facially!. You have similar shaped eyes, eyebrows texture, shape of face is similar, chin, smile, cheekbones, hair texture, and etcetera. You even walk similarly! - but that's not necessarily genetics!"  
  
"We look nothing alike!. She has blond hair and I have brunette!. Stop it!. We look completely different!. Stop it!" Sara defended.  
  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I'll go find Catherine" Grissom said.  
  
Grissom left but before he went he turned and looked round to see Sara talking to the doctor. He sighed - he was so worried about Alaney and Sara.  
  
Later on, Grissom and Catherine were sitting there. They were both stunned to silence. They were both so worried about Alaney. It was at that point that Sara came down the corridor.  
  
"We won't know the test results for donor matches for another 30 days!. 30 days! - How are we meant to wait that long!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Will she have to be in hospital that time?. Will she be able to survive 30 days?!?" Catherine asked.  
  
"She'll be able to stay on hospital support for another week to get her up to a suitable health. Then she'll have to go to hospital every few days for temporary dialysis until we get the results. I'm so scared they'll be no match!. What if she dies?!?. I'm scheduled to be tested tomorrow. I'm going to have to have the day off work" Sara said.  
  
"Of course, I don't want to see you in work for at least four days!" Grissom said.  
  
"Guys, I'm just going to call up Lindsay's nanny. Check everything's o.k. I'll be back in a sec, o.k.?" Catherine told them.  
  
Sara smiled and nodded and then Catherine went. Then Grissom and Sara sat there in silence for a few minutes then Sara spoke with a new enthusiasm.  
  
"You know what Grissom!. I'm not worried!. I have a really good feeling about this!. She's going to be fine!. God will pull through" Sara said enthuastically.  
  
Grissom laughed.  
  
"Its funny how people suddenly become religious when they need a miracle!" Grissom joked.  
  
"You ever seen that film Signs, Grissom?" Sara asked deep in thought.  
  
"Umm, no" Grissom replied confused.  
  
"In it this boy has asthma and the Dad sort of sees it as an omen or something. Until it saves the boy's life. And it's then the Dad realises that actually God gave that boy asthma for a reason - to later save his life!" Sara commented.  
  
Grissom was confused.  
  
"What are you going on about?. What do you mean?. Are you saying bulimia and kidney failure is going to save Alaney's life some how? - How?"  
  
"No, No - that is the life threatening situation. But she has an advantage - what seems an omen is actually the one thing that could save her!" Sara said.  
  
"What is it?. Have you told that doctor?. I haven't a clue what you're going on about? - what condition does she have that could possibly save her?" Grissom asked confused.  
  
"The doctor knows and he agrees - it increases her odds of survival. She's a lucky girl" Sara reported.  
  
"I'm not saying I'm 100% sure - I'm just pretty confident" Sara commented.  
  
"I just hope your right sweetheart. I hope she does make it!" Grissom commented.  
  
Grissom put an arm round Sara's shoulder and comforted her.  
  
"I put my St Catherine next to her bed when I saw her. God's going to protect her. St Catherine was tough - she refused to die - and now Alaney's going to be too tough to die too. She's going to be alright. God will make sure of that. And if Alaney gets a transplant and it works - I might even start giving St Catherine's church a go. It's like a sign you know - the name of the church. And the priest there is so nice Grissom! - He'd surprise you Grissom. Things have changed - it looks like a good church" Sara said.  
  
"What's brought all this on?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Everything is working out" Sara said.  
  
"What?" Grissom asked confused.  
  
"Things are getting better and so will Laney. Because the man upstairs likes us!" Sara said.  
  
"Good for you, honey. You keep positive!" Grissom said.  
  
"But what happened to being scared to believe?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Your going to face up to life's big questions at some point don't you?. Denial isn't the answer. I'm going to make sure I don't turn into my mother!" Sara answered.  
  
"What irreligious?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I don't mean that!. I mean - well, I love my mom!. She loves me. But she trips a thin tightrope of denial! - I hope she doesn't trip on it - because there's no safety net underneath!" Sara explained.  
  
"Sara you're starting to babble and you're not making sense!. I think you need a coffee or some sleep!" Grissom reasoned.  
  
"Just because you don't get the code to the puzzle doesn't mean it doesn't make sense, Grissom!" Sara defended herself.  
  
"Here lie down on my lap, use my coat as a blanket and get some sleep" Grissom insisted.  
  
When Catherine returned she found Sara fast asleep on Grissom's lap and lying sprawled over several chairs.  
  
The following day Catherine went home to be with Lindsay and then later went into work. Grissom went into work along with Warwick. No one could convince Sara to go home, So Nick went to the hospital to keep Sara company. At 6pm, Nick had to go to work leaving Sara alone. But an hour later Catherine arrived with a coffee in tow for Sara.  
  
"How ya doing?" Catherine asked friendly.  
  
"Better. I think she's going to be fine! - we're going to find a match!" Sara commented.  
  
"That's good. Keep positive!" Catherine replied.  
  
"She's like a daughter to you isn't she?" Catherine commented.  
  
Sara laughed.  
  
"Yeah!" Sara replied.  
  
"Who'd of thought Sara Sidle would go all maternal!" Catherine commented.  
  
Catherine stroke a piece of hair out of Sara's face. Sara smiled to Catherine then looked down again. They spent the next couple of minutes in silence again. Suddenly Sara rubbed her face in stress and worry. Catherine didn't know what else to say, so she decided to just take Sara's hand in comfort. Sara looked up at Catherine and smiled. Then they just sat there holding hands in silence for a few minutes. Suddenly Sara looked became really stressed and worried. Sara ended up taking her hand away. She rubbed her face in worry again. Suddenly, without looking Catherine in the eye, Sara began to break out into a confession.  
  
"There's a history of eating disorders in her family history, you know!. In fact, it was me! - I had an eating disorder!. I got really tubby when I was 10. By 13 and a half I was so unhappy about being fat that I started to make myself throw up!. By 14 I had began to starve myself - I even moved onto laxatives!. By 14 and a half, I got even more serious! - I became really determined! - so I got more serious!. By 15, I was dangerously thin!. They put me in this rehabilitation place. I was there during weekdays then I spent the weekend at my grandparents nearby. Eventually, I got better and only attended the rehab during the day and I spent the rest of the time at my grandparents" Sara explained.  
  
Sara sighed, took a breath and then carried on,  
  
"I started my periods at 12, but at 13 and a half they stopped. I had studied the scientific effects of eating disorders and I knew to expect that - but I didn't care! - all I cared about was losing that weight!. Then I started involuntarily throwing up - but I wasn't surprised because I figured it was because I made myself throw up and now my body was just doing it automatically sometimes" Sara explained.  
  
"I didn't realise that could happen. You learn something new everyday!" Catherine commented.  
  
Sara burst out crying.  
  
"I couldn't understand why I wasn't losing any weight!. My arms, legs and face were getting skinner but the rest!" Sara said.  
  
Catherine comforted her.  
  
"That's not unusual in eating disorder sufferers - they're convinced their fat but their dangerously thin!" Catherine reassured her.  
  
"No!. I was still fat!. Didn't you hear me? - I admitted I was getting a slimmer face, legs and arms!. But the rest! - the weight wouldn't budge!. And I couldn't understand why - so I tried harder and harder!. Made my self throw up more!. Starved myself more!" Sara cried.  
  
Catherine hugged her and Sara cried into her arms. Then Sara pulled away after a while and carried on her story.  
  
"Then one day, towards the end of the eighth grade. I was walking home from school and suddenly I started to get these unbearable stomach pains. I was in so much pain and I couldn't work out why. I thought maybe it was the eating disorder - but I didn't realise it could do that your body!" Sara explained.  
  
"Oh you poor thing!. Was the damage permanent?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Yeah. It was!"  
  
"Oh sweetheart!. What have you got?" Catherine asked.  
  
"So, I figured it was either the eating disorder or it was appendicitis!. And you can die from either!. And I was in soooo much pain! - that I thought I must be dying!. I was so scared - I didn't know what was happening!. I tried walking but I just couldn't carry on!. I had to sit down in the alleyway I just couldn't bare the pain!. This woman, I think she was in her 60's, came along and she was a god sent! - I don't know what I'd of done without her help!" Sara confessed.  
  
"At least you didn't die, hey!" Catherine said with care.  
  
"Oh but I did inside!. It ruined my life!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"What have you got?" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara grabbed Catherine's hands in hers.  
  
"Promise you won't tell anyone!. Promise Catherine!. I just really need to tell someone!. Someone who isn't in my family!. Someone who isn't a stranger!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Of course I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to!. Is it on your medical records?" Catherine said.  
  
"No" Sara replied guiltily.  
  
"Why on earth not?" Catherine asked.  
  
"It's me!" Sara insisted.  
  
"What sweetheart?" Catherine asked confused.  
  
Sara was silent.  
  
"Sweetheart. I promise I won't tell anyone about your medical condition. What's this permanent thing you've got?" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara was silent for a bit then she answered.  
  
"A child" Sara whispered.  
  
"What?!?" Catherine reiterated.  
  
"Oh for goodness sake Catherine!. The periods stopping, the involuntary throwing up and the weight staying on was not the eating disorder, Catherine!!!. I was giving birth in that alleyway!. Three hours later after the pains begun in that alleyway I ended up holding a newborn baby in my arms!. I had a child!. I have a child!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"What happened to it?" Catherine asked still in shock.  
  
"Did your parents drop you on your head or something?!?" Sara shouted.  
  
"I was eighth grade. That means I was 14. That means it was 18 years ago. How many 18 year olds, who don't know their biological parents, have you seen plonked on my front door lately?!?. There is a reason my Aunt Miranda sent her to me!. There is a reason why everyone else wouldn't take her!. Because they want me to have her! - because I'm her mother!. I'm Alaney's biological mother!" Sara shouted.  
  
Suddenly Sara became quieter,  
  
"And if she ever found out the truth she'd hate me!" Sara admitted.  
  
"I was only 14! - I couldn't look after a child!. I had to give her away!" Sara reasoned.  
  
"And Grissom's going to hate me - for telling him she was my sister instead of admitting she's my daughter!. So no one else can know, Catherine!. Promise me!" Sara admitted.  
  
"I promise" Catherine said still in shock.  
  
Sara got up and began to leave.  
  
"Good" Sara said.  
  
"Wait! Where are you going?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Away somewhere. I need to be alone" Sara said.  
  
"You can't just tell me that and walk away with no explanation!. Now you sit your butt down and explain to me how someone like - well, you! - can get pregnant at 14?" Catherine demanded.  
  
"Thirteen" Sara commented.  
  
"Thirteen!. This is unbelievable!. Sit your butt down here and explain this to me and then you can go have as much alone time as you want!" Catherine demanded.  
  
Sara sat down anxiously.  
  
"Sara - honey!. How can I put this delicately without insulting you?. Ummm. You don't strike me as the type to have sex at sixteen let alone thirteen!. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 15!. So how on earth did you go from that to what you are today?. What happened?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Can't people make mistakes?" Sara asked.  
  
"It's more than a mistake, Sara - It's a state of mind!. What kind of state of mind must you have been in to have sex at that age?!?. You're just not the type!.  
  
"Every wonder why I turned into how I am?" Sara asked.  
  
"But you said you were a science geek in school!" Catherine replied.  
  
"Yeah - high School. Anyway! - can't a science geek be sexual adventurous!" Sara said.  
  
"Gees Sara!" Catherine said.  
  
Catherine sighed.  
  
"Who's the father?" Catherine said.  
  
"Just some boy!. He isn't worth my spit though!" Sara answered.  
  
"Does he know about her?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Yeah. He doesn't give a toss about her!. I know I abandoned her!. But that doesn't mean I stopped loving her!. I don't think I even used to realise it - I tried to avoid her or deny I felt something for her - but every time I saw her - it was sunshine!. Every movement she makes, every muscle in her bone was created by me! - I made that wonder!. And I can't help but love her!. But him! - He doesn't give a toss about her!. He doesn't even care about her!. I don't think he's going to donate a kidney! - I really think he's wouldn't care if she died!" Sara commented.  
  
"I had a future! - I was heading for an ivy league college! - I couldn't let a kid ruin that! - I didn't deserve to be lumbered with a kid!. Even when I was old! - I'm a career woman! - I didn't have room for a kid!. But then she came and now I just don't care about that anymore!. Oh but why did she have to come then?. She ruined my life!. I could never forgive myself for giving her up. I felt like I didn't deserve another kid!. Even now I can never have another kid until I sort this thing with Alaney - I need her to know the truth!. Why did she have to come then?. She would have been so perfect if she were born now!" Sara commented.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry to sound righteous Sara but if you take that kind of risk you've got to be prepared for the consequences!" Catherine said.  
  
"But I didn't deserve a child!" Sara shouted.  
  
"I mean. Everyone else makes mistakes - but they don't have to pay for them!. I made a mistake - a big one!. I had been through enough pain, with her father deserting me, before she came along!. I just kept thinking why me? - why am I the one being punished?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Catherine was still in shock and coming to terms with this news.  
  
"Do you hate me?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"No! Why would you think that?" Catherine asked.  
  
"You think I'm a bad person don't you?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"What for giving up Alaney?. No!. Hey honey, take from me! - I couldn't have looked after a child at 14!. Sixteen maybe but there's a big difference between those two ages!. I don't blame for at all. And I can understand why you wanted to get on with your life like it never happened" Catherine explained.  
  
"Exactly!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"And how you couldn't - even though you tried!. Because you gave birth to her and you watched her grow up - and you can't help but feel connected to that child!" Catherine said.  
  
"Exactly!. I feel like she's part of me and a bit's missing. And I feel like I can't carry my life on without her - without her filling that missing part!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"But what I don't get is why your parents didn't raise her?. I thought they were laid back!"  
  
"Yeah! - until their 14 year old gets pregnant!. Suddenly their not so laid back!. They wanted their child to feel free to have sex - they just never mentioned that they didn't want their child to feel free till she was older!. Oh! Let's go to the canteen and I'll explain more about the Alaney situation in more detail!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
They got up and they left that corridor. 


	22. Love

Catherine and Sara sat in Marshal's Diner as Sara began to explain in more detail.  
  
"My head was really messed up. I wasn't fitting in in my home community but most importantly I wasn't fitting in at school. At least in camp cuckoo they still interacted with me even though I didn't fit in!. I didn't have many friends at school and even the ones I had I knew didn't mean anything!. We were the science nerds! - We were nothings! - and I felt a failure at not only being a science nerd but also at being friends of nerds!. I started to get bullied by the popular kids!. My head just became such a mess!. I got really desperate for things to change!" Sara explained.  
  
Sara sighed and rubbed her hands in her face in stress. Then Catherine rubbed Sara's arm in support and Sara carried on explaining,  
  
"I figured maybe if I lost weight I'd be more popular! - So I started to make myself throw up. Then one day I was round a friend's house having dinner and her older brother caught me. He asked why I was doing this to myself and I explained that I wanted to become more popular and all the popular ones were thin!" Sara said.  
  
Sara began to cry.  
  
"He seemed so nice to me!. What I didn't realise was all he was after was sex!. He was seventeen - he was repeating ninth grade and so all the girls he knew were sixteen - and they were old enough to know they didn't want sex with him - they knew his reputation!. And he'd been through all the girls who'd be prepared to sleep with him. I was only thirteen at the time!. I was so gullible to his charms!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Sara burst out into floods of tears and Catherine came round and comforted her.  
  
"Did he rape you?. I knew you wouldn't do that, Sara!. Oh! It all makes sense!. He did didn't he?" Catherine probed.  
  
"No! - He didn't!. I fully agreed!. I'm just so ashamed!. It was such a big mistake!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Sara calmed down and wiped away her tears.  
  
"He told me that it had this really good idea! - of how to make me popular!. He was really popular at school. The high school and middle school were joined - they were next to each other - they were practically one school!. So everyone knew he was popular!. He got the popularity because of his reputation as a rebel and a rule breaker. It really boosted his rep to have to repeat ninth grade! - He had no shame! - He actually got street cred for not studying!. He had this plan where we should have sex and then he'd arrange it so that someone caught us at it. Then it would go round both our schools and then we'd pretend to be going out and everyone would think I was really cool cos I was dating him!. It would really contradict their idea of me being a prudish geek!. But it didn't quite turn out that way!" Sara confessed.  
  
"Oh Sara!. You idiot!. What a pig!. Let me guess you got labelled a slut?. Or no one even found out?" Catherine commented.  
  
"Thankfully the latter!. No one caught us! - and no one found out - and I later found out that was no accident. He said it was just sex! - he said he would never admit to it happening to anyone!. And I confronted him he didn't admit to it!. He used me and he meant to!. It never crossed my mind that he'd ditch me afterwards!. He so nice!. No! - in the lead up to this great event I didn't think he might be lying!. I was thinking - Gees! Am I ready for this?!?. And I thought sod it! - I was tired of playing it safe!. I figured it would make me really cool! - even cool to myself!. My parents had always subliminally suggested I was uptight and everyone else did - I didn't smoke when other kids did! - I didn't date or kiss boys! - I didn't drink or do cannabis! - I was convinced that ever 8th grader bar me and my friends were drinking, smoking and having sex 24/7 - and actually the boy told me confirmed that to me himself when I asked him!. I wanted to live a bit! - you know! - Prove everyone wrong!. I didn't give too much thought to the consequences - I knew you could get pregnant but I had also heard all the rumours about how you couldn't the first time! - or if you did it up against a wall - so that's what we did!" Sara confessed.  
  
"Oh Sara!. Oh gees!" Catherine exclaimed stressed.  
  
"It was horrible!. Everyone went on about sex like it was great! - Everyone went on about how wonderful your first time is and I just! - I just! - oh gees! - what a let down!. Then as soon as it happened he rejected me!. He told me I was rubbish! - and that he would never tell anyone what had happened because he was ashamed of me!. Then when I confronted him! - he publicly humiliated me in front of the whole male population of his locker room. He made my life absolute hell after that. He encouraged the teasing and bullied me personally. That went on for five months after that it died out. I was so glad it was over! - I just wanted to forget it and go back to being safe reliable me!. I never thought it would caught me up and bite me!. I never considered I might be pregnant!. I was told you couldn't get pregnant after your first time or up a wall! - so I was double protected. I just wanted to forget it had ever happened and move on!. It was just one mistake and now I've been paying for it for the rest of my life!. After she was born, I tried to forget her!. I was only pregnant for one day technically! - I was only a mother for one day!. But I held her and then I grew up with her - and I just couldn't forget that I made her!. And growing up - She was wondrous! - She just seemed like the most beautiful, most brilliant person in the world. No one else mattered or compared to her!" Sara admitted.  
  
Sara reached into her handbag and got out this box. Inside it was some photographs. Sara got one out and showed Catherine.  
  
"That's her when she was four years old. She's beautiful isn't she?" Sara commented.  
  
Catherine looked at the photo of Alaney.  
  
"She definitely is!. I can't believe how healthy she turned out after you had an eating disorder!. And she's so tall now!" Catherine commented.  
  
"I know!. I couldn't believe it!. There's hardly any wrong with her! - she was a perfectly healthy bouncing baby girl. She wasn't very small but she wasn't that big either - and now! - she just suddenly had this growth spurt at puberty - she shot up!. Plus she eats so much! - she wasn't born big!" Sara commented.  
  
"She isn't big now!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"No, I know!. I just mean she's so tall now!. And I was so much fatter than her when I got an eating disorder!. I have a picture here actually. This is me when I was aged 10" Sara commented.  
  
Sara showed Catherine the picture. Catherine couldn't believe how podgy Sara was then and how skinny she is now!. Catherine pushed the photograph away and sighed.  
  
"Look Sara. I'm sorry to say this - but I need to check. You are telling me the truth aren't you?. It's just you lied to Grissom about her being your sister - and you've lied other times in the past. I just need to check!" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara looked uncomfortable suddenly.  
  
"Telling the truth about what?. I AM Laney's mother!. I'm not lying!. Look I have these pictures to prove it!. The dates are even on the back!. This is me eight months pregnant - this is me ten years old - see how there's not much difference!. Everyone was so relieved my arms, legs and face were getting skinner that they didn't care I still had a podgy stomach!. I was so fat no one could tell I was even pregnant!. Then this is me a fortnight after Laney was born. See the weight difference!. Then this is a photograph of me holding Laney a few weeks old. My parents don't know I have this. I went to see her at my Aunt Miranda's and she suggested she take a photograph" Sara said.  
  
Catherine looked at the photographs over and over and commented,  
  
"Your bump still wasn't very big! - I'm not saying I don't believe you! - I do believe you!. I'm just saying - I can understand how they just thought it was you being podgy!. No one ever suspected you could pregnant anyway! - you were so young!. Oh gees! - Look at you! - your just a baby!. Your right! - you poor thing! - you make one mistake when your too young to know any better and your life changes!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"Exactly!. Such a little action! - such a big consequence!. I just didn't realise what I was letting myself in for at the time!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"You said you told the father right?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Yeah! - you wanna know the best part?. Seven months after our little exchange of bodily fluids - he got put away in juvenile jail for stealing a car and crashing it into some old lady" Sara commented.  
  
"No!. Darn!" Catherine exclaimed about the situation.  
  
"The old lady died. If I thought he was a pig before prison then you should have seen him after he'd been in it eighteen years!. Prison made him such a bastard!. Heroin addict, violent thug and bully!. His sentence wasn't eighteen years but he committed so much inside!. Mainly it got extended because he assaulted this guy inside - He was bullying people into doing things for him and this guy he wouldn't!. He went in there a rascal and he came out a fully fledged criminal thug!. Anyway, he was released three weeks ago. I went and saw him and told him about Alaney and how I abandoned her but now she's part of my life again. But he just didn't want to know!. Hell! I don't even want her to know him!. He'll probably be back in prison in no time the way he's going!. But now it looks like she needs him! - And I don't think he's going to be tested for her!. Pig!. I've called up all the relatives from camp cuckoo who know about her and their coming. But my parents! - well, they haven't decided yet! - I don't think my dad will come - and so my mum won't!" Sara said.  
  
"What?. Can't she decide herself?!?" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"Apparently not!. Oh don't get me started on them!. My mum just wants to keep my dad happy so she does everything to keep him happy!. And if he doesn't like something she quietly supports the protest against it!. It's complicated!. Just forget it!" Sara commented.  
  
"But their her grandparents!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"They don't see it that it that way!. My mom's really good at denial! - like if she denies Alaney exists then Alaney will simply go away like she doesn't exist!" Sara commented.  
  
"So that kind of explains why they didn't raise her as her own!" Catherine commented.  
  
"What?" Sara asked surprised.  
  
"Well, it would be the logical solution. You get to see her and etcetera" Catherine said.  
  
"No!. They couldn't pass her off as their own because my mum can't suddenly have a child out the blue!. And if we suddenly acquired a child out the blue in the family people would talk and question where it came from - and if they dug too deep they might find out it was mine!. If we put her in care then the authorities might ask questions. So when my Aunt Miranda offered to take her it seemed perfect!" Sara explained.  
  
"What's wrong with people eventually finding out?. I thought your parents were laid back!" Catherine asked.  
  
"I found out they have their own prudish tendencies!. Like I said - their laid back until their fourteen year old gets pregnant then their wracked with shame!. It was the fact that if my grandparents found out I got pregnant then they'd stop their money. My grandparents are Catholic and socialites and if it was found out that their granddaughter was a gymslip mother then they'd be ex-communicated from both their church and society!. So that would lead my grandparents to cut us off for shaming them and because my parents let me turn into a slut because of their laid back ways of bringing me up. So suddenly, my non-materialistic parents became quite concerned with having lots of money!. They were so used to having to do hardly anything and getting hundreds of thousands in return! - they were living very comfortably!. They had millions at their fingers at the drop of a hat!. My grandparents could never find out the truth!. Of course, there was my welfare too - they said they were worried about the shame for me, about whether I'd get into an ivy league university - the fact that if I didn't go to a private high school I might not get into an ivy league uni - and on top of that how would we pay for uni if I couldn't get a scholarship there?. I didn't want her either!. So Alaney was sent away and denied! - I didn't have much say in it even! - and we hardly spoke, about her being my child, ever again!" Sara explained.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Can we go back to the hospital now?. I'm dying to see, Laney" Sara said.  
  
"Sure. So am I!. Back then I've got to go home soon" Catherine replied.  
  
"Sure" Sara replied.  
  
When they got to the hospital they immediately went into Laney's room to check on her. Catherine observed how much Sara loved that girl now.  
  
"I have to pinch myself everyday because I can't believe she's mine!. I thought she was an omen but now she makes me so happy!. She's so amazing!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"She definitely is. Have you seen how much she's changed Grissom? - she's got a gift!" Catherine said.  
  
"You know that song my cousin released called Everything. That's about Laney!. I was so in love with her but I just couldn't have her!. So I used to write songs about her with my cousin Michelle" Sara said.  
  
Sara sat down next to Laney on her bed. She started stroking Laney's face and singing Michelle's single to Laney,  
  
"Turn it inside out so I can see / the part of you that's drifting over me / and when I wake up you're never there / but when I sleep your everywhere / Cos your everywhere to me / and when I close my eyes it's you I see / you're everything I know / that makes me believe / I'm not alone / And when I touch your hand / It's then I understand / the beauty that's within / it's now that we begin / you always light my way / I hope there never comes a day / no matter where I go / I always feel you so" Sara sang.  
  
"It's getting late. Hey Sara, sorry but I better go check on my own daughter - before she forgets what I look like!" Catherine said.  
  
Sara laughed  
  
"I promise I'll be back later!" Catherine said as she was getting up.  
  
"O.k." Sara said without looking at Catherine.  
  
Catherine came over and gave Sara a hug and said,  
  
"I'm so glad we talked!. Thank you for letting me into this!".  
  
"No! - Thank you for listening!. Thank you!" Sara said.  
  
"I'm so glad you guys are getting along now!. I'll be back later, o.k.?" Catherine said heartfully.  
  
Sara nodded and as soon as Catherine left Sara looked back at Laney and started singing to her again.  
  
"Cause I still love you like I did before / I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do / If only she knew!" Sara sang.  
  
"That's 'If only she knew?' - Remember that song - that was about you!" Sara commented to an unconscious Laney.  
  
"Love took me by the hand / Love took me by surprise / Love led me to you and love opened up my eyes" Sara sang a different song.  
  
"That's 'drop in the ocean'. That was inspired by my love for you!. I wrote loads of songs about you!. Hey, guess what?. I wrote this letter to Shelly about a month ago. I wrote some song words for these two songs about you and our present situation. And she made them into proper songs and their going to be on her next album!. The first one is called 'Here with me'. I'll sing it to you!" Sara said to Laney.  
  
"It's been a long long time since I looked into the mirror / I guess that I was blind now my reflection's getting clearer / Now that you're gone things will never be the same again! / There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every ay / your such a part of me but I just pulled away / Well, I'm not the same girl you used to know / I wish I said the words I never showed / I know you had to go away I died just a little / and I feel it now / you're the one I need" Sara sang.  
  
"Then there's a song called 'I'd rather be in love'. It goes - I cannot help it / I couldn't stop it if I tried / the same old heartbeat / fills the emptiness I have inside /and I've heard you can't fight love so I won't complain / cause why would I stop the fire that keeps me going? / Cause when there's you I feel whole / and there's no better feeling in the world / but without you I'm alone / and I'd rather be in love with you / Turn out the lights now / To see is to believe / I just want you near me / I just want you here with me / and I'd give up everything for you / it's the least that I can do!/ Why are we afraid to be in love?" Sara sung.  
  
Sara was interrupted by a nurse entering.  
  
"Excuse Ma'm. I need you to step outside - I need to check on her and update her chart".  
  
"Oh right. O.k." Sara replied.  
  
Sara stepped outside and sat outside on a bench.  
  
After a few minutes, Sara noticed Lenny and his family coming down the corridor. They were followed by Daven. But what actually surprised her was her parents were behind them. She was over the moon.  
  
"Mom! Dad! - you came!. Oh thank you!. Thank you so much!" Sara said.  
  
"Wait! We haven't decided if we'll be tested yet. We're just here to support you" her dad said.  
  
"Well you shouldn't have bothered coming then!" Sara said.  
  
"Hi gorgeous!" Daven said.  
  
Sara was delighted to see Daven and hugged him. Then she hugged all the rest of her family except her dad.  
  
"I'll talk to him" Libby whispered to her daughter.  
  
The nurse exited Laney's room and Sara went in.  
  
"You guys wait here for a few minutes. We're going to go in and discuss this with, Sara" Libby said.  
  
She went into the room pulling Boby with her.  
  
"I guess it's been made easy for you to kill her now, hey dad?. This is what you want isn't it!. You won't even get charged with murder!" Sara commented, almost sarcastically.  
  
"He doesn't want her dead!" Libby exclaimed.  
  
"I'm just scared, Sara!. What if they find out?" Boby admitted.  
  
"They know I'm the mother. And my colleagues think I'm her sister" Sara admitted.  
  
"You idiot!" Boby exclaimed.  
  
Boby lunged for Sara but Libby stopped him and shouted,  
  
"Watch it!".  
  
Plus there a knock at the window and Lenny and Daven were giving Boby evil looks.  
  
"And to be honest - the doctor knows about her and he said nothing will be done about it!" Sara said.  
  
"And just because she's dead doesn't make it go away!. She can still be of use dead!" Sara said.  
  
"I know!. This kind of dead is no use!. I need dead and never find her body!" Boby commented casually.  
  
"Boby!" Libby exclaimed shocked.  
  
"Now you listen up!. If you don't go and get yourself tested then I will toddle down to that police station myself!. And you know what the sentence is in Nevada! - it's worse than California!" Libby exclaimed.  
  
"You wouldn't!" Boby exclaimed.  
  
"I would!" Libby replied.  
  
Boby stormed out.  
  
"He'll come around" Libby commented  
  
"Thanks mom!. What you just did - it means a lot to me!" Sara said.  
  
Libby and Sara hugged.  
  
An hour passed and Boby was no where to be found. No one really cared though. Everyone got in to see Alaney. Finally an hour later, Sara was left alone with Alaney while Libby sat outside and the others had gone to the canteen for something to eat. Boby approached up the corridor. Libby saw him and acknowledged him. He looked through the glass to Laney's room and watched Sara with Laney. He could tell she really loved that kid.  
  
"She really loves her doesn't she?" Boby commented.  
  
"It doesn't matter how much we dislike or ignore it - it doesn't stop the fact that she really loves her!" Libby commented.  
  
"Oh! Why did she have to get pregnant?!?" Boby sighed frustrated.  
  
"Because actions have consequences, Boby! - it's the universe!" Libby said.  
  
"We'll both make trouble if you don't - and you know it!. This is the most safe option for you, Boby!" Libby said.  
  
Boby sighed.  
  
"Come on" he said.  
  
He went into Laney's room followed by Libby. Sara looked up.  
  
"Look!. Pumpkin!. I couldn't give two hoots for that thing - BUT! - you love her for some strange reason!. And I love you!" Boby said.  
  
"What!?!. You don't love me!" Sara laughed.  
  
"I do!. So here's the deal. You love her but I don't. But because I love you and you love her - I'm going be tested!. Because I love you and because you want her to live!" Boby said.  
  
"Really?!?" Sara screamed excitedly.  
  
"Thank you!. Thank you!. Thank you!" Sara exclaimed as she ran over and hugged Boby. 


	23. Truth and Lies

When Alaney regained consciousness she found Sara right next to her holding her hand. Sara was smiling at her and looked at her in that loving way of hers - like Laney was the most important thing in the world. Sara soon began to stroke her face.  
  
"Hi angel" Sara said lovingly.  
  
"Sara!. What happened?. Why am I here?" Laney replied meekly.  
  
"That's what bulimia and anorexia do to you!" Sara commented.  
  
Alaney suddenly looked so ashamed.  
  
"Oh my goodness!. You know about that!. How embarrassing!" Laney declared ashamed.  
  
"Why are you embarrassed?" Sara asked.  
  
"You don't understand Sara!. I couldn't stop myself bingeing so it was the only way!. I don't have your figure or your lack of appetite!. I just wanted to be as skinny as you!" Laney frantically explained.  
  
"Angel!. You don't know do you?. I know exactly how you feel!. The only reason I'm this skinny is after never fully recovering from severe anorexia and bulimia myself!. I never got my appetite back properly! - I hadn't eaten hardly anything in years!. I used to be really fat, Alaney - way bigger than you!. You have nothing to be ashamed of!" Sara explained.  
  
"Really?. But I just wanted to be you!. I'm sorry! - I mean to worry you!. Even before I came here I've always wanted to be like you!" Laney said.  
  
"Why?!?. My life is rubbish!. I'm not a success!" Sara retorted.  
  
"Intelligence wise you are!. You're so clever!. So skinny!. You have parents who want you!" Laney said.  
  
"You don't want my parents!. My dad's a pig and my mom's - well, she's questionable!" Sara replied.  
  
"At least you know where you from!. I'm not saying they have to be good people. I just want to see myself in them! - I just want to know them for the way they look!. I don't care if they don't want me!" Laney said.  
  
"It's not that easy, Alaney!. No one knows your theirs - so the consequences for them would be dire!. Anyway, we weren't going to mention them were we?. You've got me now! - that's all you need!" Sara said.  
  
"Definitely" Laney agreed.  
  
Laney smiled and Sara kissed her on the forehead. "I love you!. You've been such a star!" Laney said.  
  
"No I haven't!" Sara denied feeling guilty.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Laney listen!. You need a kidney transplant. Luckily, I've contacted your biological relatives and their getting tested. But unless they tell you themselves I can't let you know who they are!" Sara told her.  
  
"Right. Will I be o.k.?" Laney replied.  
  
"There are loads of other options - but we'll cross other bridges when they come. Hopefully you're going to be fine!" Sara said.  
  
Sara turned and saw Grissom approaching outside.  
  
"Laney, can we talk about this later?. I just need to go have a word with Grissom about work" Sara said.  
  
Laney smiled and nodded. Sara stopped Grissom before he entered and took him outside.  
  
"Look Grissom. Laney's awake now. But I don't want her knowing she's my sister!. If any of my dad's family is a match and she notices they've had an operation then we'll tell her. But for now - my dad still doesn't want her to know" Sara explained.  
  
"Of course!. It's not my place to say anyway. How are you?. You got anymore sleep?" Grissom asked concerned.  
  
"Ummm - sleep - no!. Me? - I'm o.k. Is Catherine coming soon?. I need to talk to her about something!. It's been really weighing on my mind!" Sara said stressed and hardly acknowledging Grissom.  
  
"Ummm. I called her a few minutes ago because I can't stay long - I just wanted to pop in. She'll be here in about ten minutes. Do you want to talk to me?" Grissom asked.  
  
"No!" Sara said more bluntly than she intended.  
  
"O.k. Can I go in see Laney?" Grissom said feeling rejected.  
  
"Sure. I'm going to wait here for Catherine" Sara said almost to herself.  
  
Sara had an idea.  
  
"Wait Grissom!" Sara said.  
  
Up to this point Grissom had felt quite rejected by Sara. He was excited to finally be needed.  
  
"Yes?" Grissom replied ecstatic.  
  
"Can you explain to Laney about her kidney?. I can't be bothered! - I'm sick of all this!" Sara said.  
  
Grissom looked at Sara. She looked in a trance like state from stress. She hardly recognised he was there.  
  
"Sure. Whatever I can do" Grissom replied.  
  
When Catherine turned up Sara grabbed her immediately and pulled her away with her for a walk.  
  
"Catherine!. Thank goodness you're here!. I need to talk to you! I need to tell you the truth!. You must think so badly of me!. And my mother! - it's not fair to her to say that stuff!. I need to clear things up with you!. I wasn't entirely honest with you!" Sara admitted stressed.  
  
"What?!? - you lied to me?" Catherine shouted.  
  
Catherine couldn't believe it. This wasn't the Sara she knew!. She was getting scarily sociopathic!.  
  
"Come on - I'll explain!" Sara said as she tried to pull Catherine away from the corridor.  
  
But Catherine wouldn't be pulled.  
  
"Oh yeah? - and how do I know your not going to lie to me this time?" Catherine demanded.  
  
Sara was stunned at Catherine's refusal.  
  
"I'm sorry!. I am going to tell you the truth!. Come on!" Sara insisted.  
  
"You keep lying to everyone, Sara!. How am I meant to know the lies from the truth?" Catherine asked annoyed.  
  
"Why do you need to know the truth?" Sara asked stunned.  
  
"What?!?!. Well you seem desperate for me to know the truth now!" Catherine replied.  
  
"I just want to head you in the right direction!. I don't want you to know who the father name was! - I just don't want you to think badly of me!. Please let's go get a coffee and let me explain - please give me another chance!" Sara pleaded.  
  
Catherine gave it some thought. She decided to give Sara a second chance.  
  
"Don't lie to me again, o.k.?" Catherine said.  
  
Catherine started to leave and Sara followed. Sara smiled.  
  
They sat in a café near the hospital and Catherine begun questioning Sara,  
  
"So, what did you lie about?. Are really Laney's mother?" Catherine interrogated.  
  
"Of course, I'm her mother. I showed you the pictures!" Sara said.  
  
"How do expect us to trust you if you lie to us all the time, Sara!. I thought you were telling me the truth! - and now your saying you were still lying?" Catherine enraged.  
  
"Calm down!. Why are you taking this so personally?" Sara asked unaware and still in her stressed out madness state.  
  
"You just don't get it do you?" Catherine said.  
  
"I was more truthful with you than anyone else!. Appreciate that!" Sara demanded.  
  
"Oh thank you, your highness!. What a privilege!. You lied to me! - but hey it's not as much as you lied to the other minions!" Catherine declared.  
  
"Look! This is hard for me!. I don't know why I even told you of all people!. I definitely don't want to tell you what I'm about to!. But you know about Laney and so if I don't want you to think I'm a slut and a heartless mother then I have to tell you!. This is really hard for me, Catherine - so will you please stop making this so hard to tell you!" Sara said.  
  
Catherine thought about it.  
  
"Oh O.k.! - Shoot!. I'm listening!" Catherine said still peeved off.  
  
"I was thinking about what I said to you yesterday - and how heartless I sounded!. I kept saying I didn't deserve to be lumbered with Laney! - well, I realised later how bad that makes me sound and it makes me sound like I'm in some kind of denial about my responsibility" Sara said.  
  
"You see it doesn't make sense because I lied!. I wasn't easy!. I don't feel like I deserve to have Laney lumbered on me because I was raped!. I didn't have voluntary sex with that boy!. I made that story up!" Sara said quite flippantly.  
  
Catherine was gobsmacked.  
  
"You disgust me!. How low would you go to cover your own ass?. Rape is a serious crime!. I don't know how you can just lie about it!" Catherine said.  
  
"I swear it's true!" Sara insisted.  
  
Sara looked at Catherine in disbelief and suddenly began to cry.  
  
"You don't believe me!" Sara said, tears running down her face but only betrayal showing in her voice.  
  
Catherine didn't know what to think anymore!.  
  
"Sara!", she declared frustrated, "You've admittedly to creating stories at the drop of a hat and lying - and now you expect me to believe you when you appear to show no feeling about this so called rape!".  
  
Sara began to cry more and more.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm just so used to it!. I'm sorry if I sound flippant!" Sara said.  
  
Catherine looked at Sara and didn't know what to think.  
  
"Are you telling the truth?" Catherine asked bewildered.  
  
Sara looked Catherine straight in the eyes tearfully - she looked truthful now.  
  
"But I asked you if you were raped and you said no!" Catherine said.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth but I was just so ashamed!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"It's jus it seems awfully convenient to all of a sudden come out with this!" Catherine said in half minds.  
  
"Why?. You were already satisfied!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"Your telling the truth, aren't you?" Catherine said astounded.  
  
Catherine reluctantly began to go to hug Sara and then she gave in and put all her heart and soul into comforting Sara. Catherine even began to cry a bit for Sara. Catherine was still confused though. Why had Sara been so flippant about it in the first place?. How screwed up was her head?.  
  
"No one gets more angry than me when someone lies about being raped!. I'm learning to cope but back in San Francisco I used to get so angry!. It's not a joke!. Its people like that undermine the system - make it impossible to prove!" Sara cried.  
  
"We'll prove it for you, Sara!" Catherine said hopefully.  
  
"I know exactly how to prove it!. But I don't want to!. I just want to leave it!" Sara said.  
  
"But why?" Catherine asked.  
  
"I don't want people feeling sorry for me!. Looking at me knowing how I was violated!. Staring at me!. Talking about me!. Pitying me!. Or saying it was my fault!" Sara said distressed and troubled. She certainly showed care about it now!.  
  
"They would never blame you!" Catherine reassured her.  
  
"They might! - you never know!. And anyway - I don't want to talk about it in front of a court of people" Sara said matter of factly.  
  
"Alright. But you need help, Sara!. Counselling!" Catherine suggested.  
  
"I didn't want you to know!. I was so ashamed!. But then I realised what a fool I'd made of myself by lying!. It was such a load of rubbish!. And I realised how horrible I made my parents sound!. They do care about the money but they also didn't want Laney to be a reminder to me!. And anyway if people found out I had a child then they wouldn't take the time to ask if I was raped - No! - they'd just assume I'm a slut!. So I thought I may as well say I am!. I was just so ashamed!" Sara admitted out of the blue.  
  
"Don't blame yourself it isn't your fault!" Catherine said sympathetically.  
  
"I don't blame myself - I really don't! - that's not why I'm ashamed!. I'm ashamed because of the way everyone will look at me!. Poor Sara!. Poor deformed molested little Sara!. Everyone will talk about me behind my back. Everyone will gossip about me and give me these looks. And frankly! - if I admit to it! - Then it means it really happened!. You wouldn't understand you need to be in that position to understand!" Sara explained.  
  
"What happened?" Catherine asked sympathetically.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it!. So I'm not going to!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Catherine sighed and hugged Sara again. Sara cried and cried and cried into Catherine arms for ages. Eventually Sara calmed down and tried to wipe her eyes.  
  
"Look Sara, if you tell Laney the truth about what happened she won't hate you! - she can't!" Catherine insisted.  
  
"She can't know!. Even if she found out I was her mother - she can't find out what happened!. She's hate herself!. Can you imagine how you'd feel if you found out you were the product of rape?. How unwanted and inconvenient she'd feel?" Sara suggested.  
  
"She already feels unwanted!. At least she'd know why this way why?. She feels it's personal! - Like she's personally rejected!. If you explain it's the situation and not her personally then!" Catherine insisted.  
  
"No!" Sara insisted.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"When she born - I wasn't sure whether to love her or hate her. I mostly loved her though. But I didn't deserve to have her lumbered on me - it wasn't my fault!" Sara said.  
  
"Of course not!" Catherine insisted.  
  
"My parents reckon because I was raped that I can't possibly love her - but I do! - raped or not she's mine!. It's painful to look at her though!. My parents just want her to disappear so I'll get over this - but they don't understand you can't just get over rape!. After it happened I just wanted to forget about it - so I never considered getting pregnant!. When she came - it just seemed like the end of the world. And now she needs parents! - but I just don't deserve to made to feel guilty about not being hers!. I don't deserve this! - so why is it happening?" Sara said.  
  
Sara paused and then burst into floods of tears again.  
  
"I'm sorry I lied I just didn't know what to do!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Catherine hugged Sara again and they had another crying session. Some tears even dropped from Catherine's eyes for Sara.  
  
"This shouldn't have happened to you!. Let me jail him, Sara!" Catherine asked.  
  
"No!. I don't want anyone to know!. Promise me you won't tell anyone!" Sara insisted.  
  
"O.k." Catherine reluctantly agreed.  
  
Catherine hugged Sara again. Catherine sighed and took this all in.  
  
"So all that story about trying to make yourself cool - that was all just lies!. How can you just jot off some made up story?!?. How can you lie so regretlessly?." Catherine enquired.  
  
"I needed to tell someone she was mine - I just didn't want you to know really how!. At the time I really didn't care what you thought of me!. Afterwards I realised how guiltless I sounded and it made me sound so heartless!. I love her I really do - I just needed you to know that!" Sara said.  
  
"Sara, I think you have a problem. First, you lie like it's nothing and then you talk about being raped like it's nothing!" Catherine commented.  
  
"The only relevance it has is that Laney was born without me deserving to be responsible for her!. The rest doesn't matter!" Sara insisted.  
  
"Yes it does!. Listen to yourself!. You sound ill!" Catherine insisted.  
  
Sara looked at Catherine and became pretty normal looking again.  
  
"I'm sorry I'm just so used to it!. I'm really over it!. I'm pretty good actually! - I hardly get nightmares! - I can stand to look at her!. I know I'm a little bit antisocial! - but I'm not as bad as I could be! - I'm not depressed, agoraphobic or have an anxiety disorder! - I'm doing really well!. I'm not a psychopath or anything!. I just get a little but too personal of cases sometimes. It's probably my job though! - I got so used to saying the word rape and seeing so many cases of it - the meaning just rubbed off a bit. No I'm fine now - It's just the inconvenience of Alaney that bothers me. I don't really care that it happened anymore!" Sara replied more reasonably like it made sense.  
  
"Well, Sara maybe you still do have a problem!. You're not facing up to this!. You get angry for every other victim but you're not getting angry for yourself!. I mean the fact that you lie right, left and centre and just automatically are able to create these little stories is very worrying Sara!. That in itself suggests there's something wrong!. Sara! - You lied to Grissom about Laney being your sister, you lied to me about it being a voluntary act to make you seem cooler and you lied to Laney about her mother blackmailing your father!. Aren't you worried about how you create these little narratives" Catherine pleaded with Sara.  
  
"I do it for the welfare of everyone!. There are certain things people don't need to know so I satisfy them and throw them off scent!. Sometimes it's not all lies! - it's just twisting the truth!" Sara insisted.  
  
"Your scaring me Sara!. I think you really need counselling. You're not facing up to the fact you were raped!" Catherine said.  
  
Catherine had never seen Sara so un-rational before. She was convinced she was losing it!.  
  
"It doesn't matter! - I'm fine!. Just leave it!. Look! - Laney is my daughter no matter where she came from!. And she doesn't need her father or need to know who he is!. I would rather she hate me and think I'm some slut than find out where she came from!. I'm doing this because I love her!. All she needs is me! - she doesn't need him!. He doesn't want her and I'm glad!. Laney wants a happy family - but she's never going to get that!. All she needs is me - whether she knows I'm her mother or not!. That's why I'm scared, Catherine - I'm scared it won't be enough for me to be her cousin or even her sister! - I want her to know I'm her mother but - but she'll hate me if she knows I'm her but I would prefer that than she find out has she came into this world!. Catherine promise me - if it looks like I'm going to tell her I'm her mother then stop me!" Sara started babbling on like a crazy person.  
  
"Sara, you've got to tell her the truth!. She deserves it!. Plus you've got to go get help for this, Sara! - you're not coping!" Catherine insisted.  
  
"Leave it Catherine. Please just leave it" Sara said as she got up and stormed off.  
  
Catherine followed Sara all the way back to the hospital. Sara went into Laney's room straightaway. Sara went in and gave Alaney a massive hug. This quite surprised Alaney.  
  
"I love you!" Sara said.  
  
"O.k." Alaney said awkwardly.  
  
Catherine came barging in.  
  
"Sara! We haven't finished!" Catherine insisted.  
  
"Yes! We have!" Sara said.  
  
Sara sighed and eventually went back out to join Catherine.  
  
"Look Catherine!. You love Lindsay no matter where she came from right?" Sara asked stressed out.  
  
"Of course!" Catherine agreed.  
  
"Laney is my daughter no matter where she came from!. I love her no matter!. So I just want to forget how I got her - and be thankful I have her!. I almost like to think of it as if I had got voluntarily pregnant at 14 because I find that better to live with cognitively than the truth!. I want to forget where she came from! - So drop it!. Please!" Sara explained stressed.  
  
"Fine!. Sorry for caring!" Catherine sulked.  
  
Sara sighed and sat down. She finally gave in.  
  
"I'll go get counselling!" Sara agreed.  
  
"Really?!?" Catherine said excited.  
  
"I suppose it can't do any harm!" Sara said.  
  
"Your doing that thing again!" Catherine declared.  
  
"What thing?" Sara asked.  
  
"The flippant thing!. The acting like rape means nothing thing!. Stop that!. Wake up to this!"  
  
Sara began to cry.  
  
Catherine was glad and comforted with a massive hug. Sara had another crying session.  
  
"Maybe there is something wrong with me!" Sara admitted.  
  
"That's brilliant!. That's all I want!. Admittance is the first step to recovery!" Catherine said.  
  
Sara calmed down and got up. Sara looked through the glass and observed at Laney.  
  
"I don't regret getting rid of her!. But I'm so glad she's come back to me now!. I just wish I'd had her now not when I was 14!" Sara said.  
  
"Yeah" Catherine comforted.  
  
"It hurts so much that I missed bringing her up!. Feeding her!, clothing her! - I even missed her first steps and her first words!. She was only down the road but it wasn't enough!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Do you know what else amazes me about her? - Other than ever muscle in her body moving! - It's the way she has her own mind! - Her own personality!. I know I didn't have much influence in her life but I created her - so she could turn into that!. I just wish I'd had more influence though!" Sara commented.  
  
Sara began crying again.  
  
"I can have another kid but it will never replace missing Laney grow up!. My parents reckon it will! - they say I've just got to get over this thing!. But each kid is separate, you know! - you love them separately - she can't be replaced by another!. I just wished I'd had her now and not before!. Why did this have to happen to me?" Sara sobbed.  
  
Catherine put an arm round Sara in support and Sara turned to cry into Cath's shoulder.  
  
"You poor thing!" Catherine sighed.  
  
A week later, Catherine talked to a counsellor friend of hers, explained Sara's situation and got Sara an appointment. Sara walked in and sat down.  
  
"So, why don't you tell me why you think you're here?" the counsellor asked.  
  
"I don't know!. A lot of people tell me I should get counselling" Sara said vulnerably.  
  
"Why?" the counsellor enquired.  
  
Sara paused  
  
"Because I was raped" Sara replied flippantly.  
  
The counsellor paused.  
  
"How did that make you feel?" the counsellor enquired.  
  
"It doesn't really matter!" Sara declared.  
  
"Why not?" the counsellor asked.  
  
"It was a one off - and anyway I have other things to look after. Other things to worry about" Sara replied.  
  
"Like your daughter?" the counsellor suggested.  
  
"She's one of them" Sara muttered flippantly like it didn't matter.  
  
"Well let me tell you what Sara - you don't have to talk after anyone here. The only people here are me and you. You can tell me anything and I won't judge you. So why don't you tell me how YOU feel. Why don't you just talk, Sara - say anything and everything. Just shoot and tell me anything that's on your mind" the counsellor told her.  
  
"What do I talk about?. Where do I start?. My childhood?. The rape?. When?" Sara asked confused but eager.  
  
"Whatever you like!. I'm paid to listen to whatever you say!. Whatever the first thing that pops in your head is!. Just talk!. Tell me about issues in your life. Tell me about the rape if you want. Tell me why you don't feel sad about the rape - Is there any reason? - What do you think that reason is?. Just talk about your life and we'll go from there!" the counsellor instructed. 


	24. Tamales bay

"Welcome back!" the gang cheered as Laney walked into the break room. She was followed by Sara.  
  
The gang stood round with balloons, party poppers, a welcome back sign and a cake. It was Laney's first day back. Everyone had missed her a lot. The doctor and Sara had ordered her to stop dance, give up her job at the coffee house and to stay refined to the lab if she wanted to come back to work experience. Overall she had to take it easy. All the tests had been carried out a week and a half ago and now there were 3 and half weeks to wait for the results. Every since Laney had come out of hospital Sara had been constantly passing Laney fluids and healthy foods to eat - and today was no exception (to Laney's embarrassment).  
  
This was the first shift Sara and Catherine had been on together since Sara's counselling session. Catherine was desperate to know how it went but she knew she'd have to wait till Sara and her were alone. The opportunity arose when Sara and Catherine were the only two in the lab analysing together.  
  
"So how did it go?" Catherine whispered.  
  
"How did what go?" Sara pretended to be ignorant but was secretly peeved off.  
  
"You know perfectly well - the counsellor!" Catherine whispered.  
  
"Painfully!. I really could have done with not dealing with hat rubbish at this point in time. I enough in the present and future to worry about! - and now you've added that rubbish on top too!. Going to the counsellor and talking about it didn't help much at all!. It just created more for me to remember and worry about!. I have enough on my mind already, Catherine!" Sara replied bluntly and angrily.  
  
"Sorry. I just thought it might help. Sorry for caring!" Catherine gestured.  
  
"I know you care and thank you for that. But it's just not worth it!. I feel worse than I did when I didn't deal with it. Anyway, I wasn't entirely denying it - sometimes I'd suddenly breakdown crying out the blue sometimes - and that really helped!. But that comes at an appropiate time - like when I'm alone" Sara responded.  
  
"Didn't talking help to get it off your chest?. Face up to your past?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Facing up to my past, did that help? - Nope!. It made me feel worse! - Denial was working real well!. Getting off chest, did that help? - Yes, a little bit. It was helpful to let go of some of that burden. But it balanced out as me being worse off" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Oh well. Maybe it works differently for differently people" Catherine replied disappointedly.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Sorry Catherine. But I think I've just got too much to deal with at the moment with Laney's health to worry about and all. It's not a good time to face up to my past" Sara said quite calmly.  
  
Sara sat down and felt glum. Suddenly it hit her!. She felt glum!. Sara's mouth dropped and her eyes elated.  
  
"Oh my goodness!" Sara muttered.  
  
"What's wrong? What's happened?" Catherine asked.  
  
"In my whole entire life! - despite all the pain and rejection I've endured! - I have never felt depressed. Stressed! - yes!. I've had panic attacks, I've collapsed from stress, I've had near nervous breakdowns and I've had non stop crying fits. But never in my 32 years of life have I felt glum! - I've never felt depressed!. Until now!. I was fine until I went to your stupid counsellor!. Gees thanks Catherine!" Sara exclaimed angrily.  
  
"No, you don't know it's that!. He's helped you, Sara!" Catherine insisted.  
  
Sara looked at Catherine and just didn't know what to do anymore. So Sara sat down and just began to cry.  
  
"Look Sara. Take the day off. Nick and I can deal with this fine. I'll talk to Grissom. He'll understand. I think you need to go away and take a break. It's a good job we're going to your parents this weekend isn't it?" Catherine said.  
  
"A good job?!?. You know your right! - the depression will go away! - it will be a fight between stress and tranquillity that will stop me being depressed!" Sara said glumly.  
  
Sara got up, took her lab coat off and left.  
  
Catherine looked worried.  
  
The next day, Catherine received a call. It was from Sara.  
  
"Do you know what I realised after going home yesterday?" Sara said off the cuff.  
  
"No" Catherine said confused and lost.  
  
"I realised that every since I told you about Laney I've been subconsciously pushing her away!. I don't mean that I've been rejecting her again. She still knows I love her. No, the problem is I've been so pre- occupied with worrying about her father and her health that I haven't had time to - to - to goodness knows what!. Do you know what I mean?. I've been too pre-occupied to notice she's there!. That's part of the reason I'm so unhappy. She makes me happy. I've got so used to relying on her to make me happy!. Do you reckon me relying on her is good or bad?" Sara released.  
  
"I have no idea!" Catherine said astounded.  
  
"You o.k?. You wanna come round and talk?" Catherine asked.  
  
"No I'm fine. I'm really gonna be fine. I've just got to do what I preach - forget where Laney came from and love her for who she is" Sara said excitedly.  
  
"Good" Catherine said pleased.  
  
"Right, umm, Tamales. I'll pick up you at nine o'clock on Friday morning. Our plane is at eleven thirty. O.k?" Sara said.  
  
"O.k" Catherine said slightly astounded.  
  
"Right Bye" Sara said happier than Catherine had heard her in a few weeks.  
  
Catherine didn't know whether to be relieved or happy. But all she knew was Sara had been really scarying her with her behaviour of late. Yet it hadn't affected Sara's being good at her job.  
  
Catherine was relieved to find Sara back to her normal self after that. The next day at work she was modestly happy considering her daughter's life was in the balance. Catherine noticed that Sara was more mothering to Laney ever since Laney had been in hospital. Catherine didn't know whether it was because Laney's health needed more care now or whether Catherine noticed it now because she now knew Sara was her mother. When Friday came around, Sara picked them all up and they headed to Las Vegas airport. At San Fransico airport, Sara rented a car to drive them to Tamales Bay. Throughout the entire journey, Catherine and Laney kept everyone talking. Grissom was quite quiet but as per usual Catherine and Laney were able to work their magic. On the way between San Fransico and Tamales Bay they all stopped for a drink and rest for Laney in a rest stop on the highway. While there Grissom and Laney were analysing insects in the forest - Leaving Catherine and Sara alone to talk on the bench and watch them.  
  
"I keep wanting to call you her mom. I've had to bite my tongue many a time!. I've got so used to you being it now. At first, it took a day or two for it to sink in - but now it seems almost logical" Catherine said in passing conversation.  
  
Sara just smiled relaxed. She was much calmer now.  
  
After a short while, Sara called Laney and Grissom back over. Sara had made drinks and snacks for everyone.  
  
"Your turning into your mother!" Laney laughed.  
  
"Your turning into everyone's mother!" Grissom laughed.  
  
"No I'm not!" Sara reacted, not knowing whether to be offended or laugh.  
  
"Wait till you meet Libby!. No wait you've met her! - I don't mean that! - I mean wait until you're her guest!. She's one of those people who makes sure everyone's well fed and comfort - like she's competing for hostess of the year or something!" Laney commented.  
  
"Shut up" Sara said not knowing whether to laugh or be offended - but knowing it's true!.  
  
"And I'm not turning into my mother!. I'm a separate entity!" Sara defended playfully.  
  
"So tell us about camp cuckoo. Why do you dislike it?" Catherine asked.  
  
"I don't nessacerily dislike it. I had a wonderful childhood growing up. And Camp cuckoo isn't as dangerous or unhappy as other hippy places were. The people are a lot nicer than a lot of other hippies. Everyone thinks of hippies as lovey dovey peaceful people and that's not nessacerily true. But in camp cuckoo only a few aren't nice. It was a nice fun place to grow up. It's just if you don't grow up there it may seem strange. Imagine taking Southern trailer trash and planting them smack bang in the middle of a Northern state excluded from the rest of the Northern town. Then add some new age or hippy practices and your halfway there to understanding camp cuckoo!" Sara explained.  
  
"Sara!. Don't be so racist!" Laney exclaimed ashamed.  
  
"Your dad's not Southern though. Are the rest of camp cuckoo?" Catherine asked amused.  
  
"No not really. That's what makes it so strange. Most of them aren't actually Southern. I mean it's not southern exactly - it's just a bit like that - but it's more like it equates to it. My mom and her siblings are southern and they have a big influence on the place - they're all like 'the founders' - so they do add that touch of Southern upbringing in there" Sara explained.  
  
"Sara, doesn't mean to say there's anything wrong with the South. She just means it's strange plonked in the middle of the North. She's not good at being senistive with people, sorry" Alaney defended.  
  
"Oh no!. I don't mean all Southerns - I mean you know like that Southern trailer trash stereotype" Sara defended.  
  
"Sara, stop it!. You can't use words like 'trailer trash' especially not about the South!. You should know as well as anyone how it feels to be discriminated against!" Alaney declared.  
  
"But they didn't live in trailers till they came to the North right?. So their not Southern trailer trash?" Catherine commented curious.  
  
"As Grissom said - ever since they broke away from my grandparents - well, their in a class of their own!. I just mean my mom sometimes has that kind of pride you usually only see in a 'Southern with a low income' - even though she's not poor and wasn't poor when she lived in the south!. She was a millionaire. But I suppose she did always branch away from her parent's money. She made friends with the riff raff. Much to my grandparents displeasure. You really wouldn't have a clue that my parents used to be the children of millionaires - they just don't show it!. My mom didn't used to be so much like a Southern mom though!. It didn't begin until they started up that B&B and started up camp cuckoo" Sara explained.  
  
Sara paused for thought.  
  
"The irony is that in the end she did turn into the stereotype of a Southern girl. She ended up nineteen and pregnant and kind of turned into a housewife. I was her life and she can't let go now!" Sara commented.  
  
"I can't see her conforming!. She's a hippy!" Catherine declared.  
  
"She's a hypocrite" Sara muttered to herself sadly.  
  
"And they're not hippies anymore - their 'happiness seekers'. It's different - it excludes the meaningless sex, drugs and means you can actually get a job" Sara explained.  
  
"Your mom has loads of friends though. She's not alone - she has your dad" Laney corrected Sara.  
  
Laney paused, looked at Sara and put her hand on Sara's in a gesture.  
  
"You know you could never turn into your mom, Sara. Married and/or pregnant. You're a separate person and her life was a concidence" Laney comforted.  
  
Sara turned and smiled at Laney. If only she knew she had already had a child.  
  
Sara snapped out of her sad streak.  
  
"Camp cuckoo isn't too bad to me. It just isn't really me. That's the only reason I detach myself from it. The only shaming thing is outsider's reaction - it can seem strange if your not used to. They don't live in the real world! - they're this secluded community who live in a time trap" Sara explained.  
  
"Well wait, It's changed a lot. They're not hippies anymore. More like 'new age' " Alaney defended.  
  
"All I'm saying is keep an open mind!" Sara suggested.  
  
"Sara, I used to be a coke addicted stripper. Plus I was born in the South. I'm not exactly going to judge am I?. And I'll kick Grissom's ass if he does!. Promise." Catherine replied.  
  
Grissom laughed.  
  
Sara smiled.  
  
"I still think you need to prepare yourself. But my parents are fine - Southern at worse!. Nothing too bad there. I'll introduce you to the others in a few days - ease you in. Anyway, there's lots of things I love about the place. I had some great fun as a child thanks to that place. Plus I'm technically really close to my mom - and that's because of the way she brought me up - the southern mom part and the hippie mom part. I felt very loved. It wouldn't have been the same any other way. It's just there are some things I don't agree with in the community's lifestyle. Plus it can be embarrassing when outsiders make comments!" Sara commented.  
  
After their break it only took thirty five minutes to get to enter Tamales Bay. As soon as they entered Grissom and Catherine noticed how relaxed and happy everyone seemed. As they drove past the seafront they noticed how happy all the people on the beach seemed. There was surfers, sunbathers and children building sandcastles. Grissom and Catherine had never pictured Sara or Laney as growing up next to the beach until now. Grissom wondered whether Sara or Laney went to the beach a lot as children. Surprisingly enough, the Sidle's B & B wasn't next to the beachfront. It wasn't too far though. It was a five minute drive before Sara drove them to this forest opening. The opening was right next to a quiet main road and Sara had to turn into it. It was fenced off and there was a sign saying 'PRIVATE PROPERTY'. Next to the sign was another sign saying "Serenity forest B & B - 300 yards" and there was a little painting of a forest to brighten up the sign. Sara drove into the forest opening road. It wasn't like a dirt track. It was actually a proper little road. Grissom and Catherine were struck by how serene and tranquil the place seemed. Even Tamales Bay seemed tranquil. Everyone seemed so relaxed and tranquil. Catherine was glad Sara had come here because Catherine thought this tranquillity should be quite the ticket. It was definitely in stark contrast to Las Vegas. They went up the road about 100 yards and they all noticed four little girls. The girls seemed aged about five to seven and were playing by the roadside. They looked so happy. Two were playing tag and two were sitting on the grass making chains of flowers.  
  
"Stupid things!. They better not run out in front of my car!. Someone needs to tell those kids they can't play next to the road!. There's acres of land and they choose next to the road!" Sara commented.  
  
"Oh leave them alone. Their probably waiting for you!. You might not like the little kids but they still love you. Everyone misses you" Laney declared.  
  
Sure enough when the kids noticed Sara's car they stopped what their were doing and starting frantically waving with massive grins across their faces. As they passed them by Catherine and Grissom noticed all the girls had these beautiful headdresses, necklaces, bracelets and even anklelets made of real flowers. Not just tacky flowers like daisys or dandelions but some really big, beautiful and colourful flowers. It took Catherine's breath away. After another 100 yards, Grissom and Catherine noticed the road split in two. There was a signposting for the B&B pointing down one of the roads.  
  
"What's down the other road?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Camp Cuckoo" Laney answered.  
  
"So you don't actually live in Camp cuckoo?. After all that fuss!" Grissom laughed.  
  
"It would scare all the visitors" Sara replied amused.  
  
"No, Princess Sara lives in the palace" Laney laughed.  
  
"What do you mean?. Are Sara's parents richer?. I would have thought all your aunts and uncles would all get the same amount of money from their parents" Catherine asked.  
  
"She's joking!" Sara said amused.  
  
"Well! - no other family gets quite as much as Sara's!. But that's only because Lenny married an Asian woman and Miranda is a lesbian. So, the Lintons don't have much to do with Miranda and Lenny and don't give them as much money. The Sidle grandaprents never really gave too much money away except for blackmail. They're not bad people they just believe Boby and his brother need their independence. But nah! - it isn't that Queen Libby & King Boby are richer. They don't really use their money anyway. No, I simply refer to the palace because Sara's parents are the ce-" Laney said.  
  
But before Laney could finish the sentence Sara had suddenly stopped the car and put a hand over Laney's mouth in a split second.  
  
"Don't!" Sara demanded.  
  
This sudden stop shocked everyone, especially Laney. Laney couldn't work out what she'd done wrong. Sara took a deep breath and then began driving again like nothing had happened.  
  
Before they knew it they were pulling up to the B&B. It wasn't as Grissom had expected though. It was actually a large family style home and behind it was the B&B part. It was a two storey building of purely rooms. It wasn't as tacky as a motel but it reminded him of that.  
  
Sara's mom had been waiting anxiously on the porch for them to arrive. As soon as she saw Sara's car pull up she got up excitedly and called out,  
  
"Boby! They're here!".  
  
Boby came down and stood next to an excited Libby. He did show some interest but not much and he was awkward. Not shy awkward but not entirely sure how Sara felt about him this week. Libby ran over to Sara as she approached the house.  
  
"My baby girl!" Sara's Mom exclaimed excitedly as she came over to hug her.  
  
"Hi Mom" Sara said.  
  
Libby looked Sara over.  
  
"Your still nothing but skin and bones!. Have you been eating properly?" Libby declared.  
  
"Yes mom. I've eating pretty well. I'm fine" Sara replied.  
  
"Your looking much better than when I saw you at Alaney's bedside" Libby commented.  
  
Libby and Sara smiled at each other.  
  
Libby turned to Grissom and shook his hand.  
  
"Mr Grissom" Libby greeted him.  
  
Suddenly Libby changed her mind and her dignified behaviour soon became the opposite.  
  
"Oh!. We're old buddies now, Gil. Come and give me a hug!" Libby declared.  
  
Suddenly, before Grissom had time to think Libby slapped a hug round him. He was quite startled. Sara looked ashamed. Laney quietly found it hiliarious and Catherine was slightly amused. Libby turned to Catherine and held out her hand to shake.  
  
"I'm sorry sweetie. I've forgotten your name. I know my Sara mentions it and she introduced us at the hospital - but I can't for the life of me remember what it is!. I know it begins with a K!. Let me try. Kate?. Katrina?. Karen?. Now you look like a Karen to me!" Libby commented friendily.  
  
"Catherine" Catherine replied happy to obilge.  
  
Libby turned and saw Laney. Her breath seemed taken away.  
  
"Laney!", Libby marvelled, "As beautiful as ever!".  
  
Libby went over and gave Laney the biggest hug. Laney was quite surprised. Libby had never shown Laney such love. Usually Libby avoided her.  
  
"Leave your stuff there and Boby will take it to your rooms. Sara, will you be in your room or the B&B?. Laney, you wanna be in Daven's room?" asked Libby.  
  
Laney was surprised but then scared.  
  
"No!. She can go in the B&B. And as for me - I don't know" Sara said.  
  
"Yeah, I'd prefer the B&B. I'm sorry but just in case, you know" Laney replied.  
  
Libby paused and then her mood changed to excited again.  
  
"Come in everyone!. Come in. You all must be so tired. We can all go have some afternoon tea. Then you can settle in your rooms afterwards. O.k.?. I've made cakes!" Libby announced to everyone.  
  
"Oh gees. Mom, how many?" Sara asked ashamed.  
  
"Don't take that tone with me young lady. I will make as many as I like!" Libby replied.  
  
Thy all went into the house. As they past Boby, who was still standing on the porch, everyone shook his hand. Sara was the last to pass him. He was about to hug her - but she snubbed him.  
  
"Stuck up bitch!" Boby muttered as he went inside.  
  
As he approached the lounge where the others were having tea he found Libby trying to offer everyone a piece of her five cakes.  
  
"Go on. Despite what Sara's said I don't, for the hundredth time. put anything dodgy in my tea or cakes anymore!. I promise. I really wish you'd drop that, Sara. Anyway, I'm not exactly going to offer drugs to police officers am I?" Libby said.  
  
"Mom! I've told you a million times I'm not a police officer!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Boby came in and grunted like he didn't believe her.  
  
"I'm not!" she pleaded to her dad.  
  
"I know your not. Even though you have a gun and a badge may I mention! - it's very confusing! - but we won't go there!. But your friends might be" Libby explained.  
  
"None of us are" Grissom laughed.  
  
"What I don't get is why you have guns then?. It's all very confusing. But I'm glad your not a police officer dear - I wouldn't want to have to disown you!. That was a joke! - I was joking!" Libby laughed.  
  
"Anyway mom, I don't just mean drugs. It's all reputable stores you've bought the ingredients from isn't it?. Remember that rash I got when I was seven from your dodgy antidode?" Sara explained.  
  
"Sara, if you mean a major corporation store - then of course not!. However, I got it from a reputable village store and I don't play, with anything that people could have allergies to, anymore after that tie you blew up - you know that!. I only buy from reputable sources!" Libby defended.  
  
"Libby darling, can have a word please?" Boby smiled sweetly.  
  
Libby looked confused.  
  
"Kitchen now Libby!" he shouted.  
  
Libby gave Sara the tray and went to the kitchen. Sara gave the tray to Grissom and soon followed.  
  
"Her name is Alaney!. Not Laney but A - laney!" Boby said angrily.  
  
"Your point is?" Libby asked mildly peeved off.  
  
"My point is! - you have to stop looking at her that way!. She's going to know!. She's not part of this family! - and she never will be!" Boby shouted.  
  
Grissom, Catherine and Alaney could hear shouting but not the content. Sara entered the kitchen where her parents were. She said nothing. She just sat down.  
  
"Oh look who it is!. Little miss nosey!. This has nothing to do with you, madame! - just go!" Boby demanded.  
  
"No dad, this has everything to do with me!. And I'm staying right where I am thank you!" Sara insisted angrily.  
  
Boby came towards Sara to turf her out. But Sara suddenly took her gun out her trousers and pulled it on him.  
  
"Wow! Calm down!" Boby panicked.  
  
"Oh gees Sara don't be so dramatic!. Put that down!. There's no need for that!. Are you trying to kill your father?. Give it here!" Libby insisted angrily.  
  
"No" Sara replied stubbornly.  
  
Sara put the gun back in her trousers. Libby went to get it from her but Sara just looked her straight in the eyes unimpressed. Libby gave it pause for thought and then nodded. Sara smiled but Boby wasn't happy.  
  
"Libby!. She's a psycho with that thing!. Your unbelievable!. You know what Sara - do stay!. Because you're the worst culprit!. The way you both look at Alaney - your both mad!. For two people who don't want her to know your as good as telling her!. Your mad your both mad!" Boby declared before storming upstairs.  
  
Libby sat down on a kitchen chair. She looked really worried and stressed. Sara came over and put an arm around her in support. After a few minutes, Libby suddenly got up. She went back over to her guests and pretended to be a beam of sunshine again.  
  
The rest of the tea went like this. They all sat and had a civilised tea. Asked civilised questions, answered civillaly and behaved civially. Sara and Catherine noticed Libby and Grissom were getting along very well and were chatting away constantly. However Catherine was worried. She knew that goo goo look in Grissom's eye. Grissom seemed to have a soft spot for a married woman!. An amusing highlight of the tea was when Libby got Sara's childhood photographs out - to the embarrassment of Sara. Catherine and Grissom noticed that before the age was ten Sara wore hippie like clothes, bright colours and flowery dresses. But after the age of ten, her clothes were much more conservative and straight laced. Neither types of clothing were like the clothes her peers wore - but after the age of ten Sara needed to gain her independence. Catherine and Grissom noticed the pictures of tents and trailers before the age of five, but Camp cuckoo there after. There were a lot of pictures of Sara with her family including her and Daven growing up. They noticed that Daven and Sara seemed a lot closer after she was five years old. Daven just seemed to love her more into house photographs. Grissom noticed how young Libby was when she had Sara. She was nineteen and Boby was twenty five. Grissom thought to himself how beautiful she looked and how beautiful she was now. He also observed how much she looked like Sara. But most curious of all to Grissom and Catherine was how happy Boby and Sara looked in her childhood photos in stark contrast to now. He seemed a loving and fun father. In most of her pictures Sara looked like such a happy child. Grissom and Catherine were glad Sara had had a happy childhood.  
  
After afternoon tea, Sara showed everyone to their rooms and Libby made dinner.  
  
"Need some help?" Sara asked when she returned.  
  
"No. You go put your feet up. You never rest! - you just work, work, work!. You've always been a workaholic - it's not healthy!" Libby declared.  
  
Libby then took Sara's hand and pulled her into the lounge.  
  
"Miss Sidle, I'd like to introduce you to something your not very familiar with!. It's called a chair!. Use it!" Libby said and finally slammed Sara down into it.  
  
"Mom!. I'm not tired!. I wanna help!" Sara insisted.  
  
Libby suddenly smiled. Sara looked confused. Suddenly Sara felt a pair of hands come over her face. A massive smile wiped across her face too. She knew immediately who it was.  
  
"Daven?" Sara asked excitedly.  
  
He let go of her eyes.  
  
"The one and only!" Daven replied.  
  
Sara got up and they hugged. Then Daven gently pushed Sara and Libby down onto the sofa. He then put his arms around both their shoulders.  
  
"How are my two favourite ladies?" Daven asked cheekily.  
  
"I should hope your fiance and the baby girl she's carrying and indeed your own mother are also your favourite ladies!" Libby commented jokily.  
  
"You know you've always be like a momma to me Libby. You're my favourite stepmother!" Daven replied cheekily.  
  
"And your only one!" Libby joked.  
  
"Unless your mother becomes a lesbian!" Sara joked.  
  
"Well, now you mention it, I have seen Miranda giving my Mom dodgy looks!" Daven joked.  
  
"Is Aunt Miranda here?" Sara asked seriously  
  
"No dear. He was just joking. Haven't you spoken to her?" Libby said.  
  
"Only twice since Laney came. She didn't come down the hospital I noticed" Sara commented.  
  
"That's because no one told her. She loved that kid too - it would break her heart if she knew she was ill. Anyway, it would be a slim chance that Miranda would be a match. We'll ask her if no one else is" Libby replied.  
  
"Anyway!. Where was I?. Oh yes, how are two of my favourite ladies?" Daven asked cheekily.  
  
"What do you want?" Libby asked.  
  
"Nothing!" Daven laughed.  
  
"Your early" Libby commented.  
  
"Thought I'd help. Anyway, so is she!" Daven said.  
  
"Your so silly, Daven!. When you gonna grow up hey?. You've got a baby on the way and all!" Sara said laughing.  
  
Daven suddenly launched on top of Sara and started tickling her. She was in fits of laughter.  
  
"Stop it you two!" Libby tutted.  
  
"What happened to that help you promised me both, hey?" Libby said as she got up.  
  
Sara and Daven got up and followed Libby to the kitchen. Daven peeled potatoes and Sara carrots.  
  
"Hey Daven, Is Siobhan still coming?. Where is she?. Why didn't she come with you?" Libby asked.  
  
"Calm down. She's hasn't finished work yet. She'll be along in enough time though. She's still coming" Daven laughed.  
  
"Do you know what we need? - some music. What would you like?. Let's see - Panpipe music or the rolling stones?. Oh, fine - I get it! - you want something less us. How about Joni Mitchell?" Libby commented.  
  
"That's not too bad" Sara replied.  
  
"Ah Sara!. Remember this?" Libby asked when she noticed a cd in her collection.  
  
Libby put the cd on. It was 'Wild Wild world' by Cat Stevens. Libby soon started to give a dramatic performance and mime the words along directly to Sara. Sara was embarrassed but soon laughed. Daven soon joined in with Libby. Libby soon started singing it to Daven because she wasn't getting much of a response from Sara.  
  
"Come on, Sara, sing along" Libby urged.  
  
"No, don't be silly I'm not six anymore!. I'm not like you guys" Sara replied.  
  
"No, no. Let's listen to this. I brought some music of my own. You'll both love it" Daven commented.  
  
He pulled a c.d. out from his jeans and put it on. It was 'Waves' by Majorgie Fair. After a short while he begun miming alone to the words and soon it became a dramatic performance.  
  
"Don't give up the day job, Daven" Libby joked.  
  
Soon Daven grabbed Sara and started to make her dance with her. A couple of minutes later, he grabbed Libby and danced with her instead. Alaney entered soon after.  
  
"Sorry Laney, age before beauty" Daven joked.  
  
Libby hit him. Then he offered his hand to Laney and they danced.  
  
"Daven Sidle I've caught you messing around behind my back yet again!" a mystery female voice said.  
  
"Siobhan!" Daven declared delighted.  
  
Everyone smiled and laughed. Daven went over and kissed her. It had all been a joke. Libby came over and greeted Siobhan with a kiss on the cheek.  
  
"Siobhan dear!. How are you?. How's the baby?" Libby asked concerned.  
  
"Just as well as when you asked me two days ago, Libby. But thank you for your support. You and Daven's mother have been like second mothers to me" Siobhan laughed.  
  
"Well, welcome to our strange but loving family!. Linda and I are all but a phone call away 24/7" Libby said.  
  
"Mom won't thank you for saying that!" Daven joked.  
  
"Of course she will. We're a team Linda and me. We've brought up many a child together" Libby commented.  
  
"Linda's like a second mom to me" Sara commented.  
  
"That's so sweet" Siobhan commented.  
  
Sara smiled.  
  
An hour later, everyone was sitting down to dinner. Libby is such a talkative person and had so many fascinating stories to tell. So Grissom and Catherine found her really interesting to talk to. Especially Grissom. She talked away quite proudly about her life and about her daughter Sara. Libby yet again embarrassed Sara with many a story of her childhood and of Daven's. Libby and Daven explained how Sara and Daven only became closer after his mother Linda grounded him for smoking weed. It turned out that Sara had been the only person Daven was allowed to see outside school for that whole year. So even though at first he resented Sara they soon became even closer because she was all he had. Also it was because she apparentally was adorable as a child. Daven explained that Sara was now one of his best friends. Sara and Boby remained quite quiet during the meal. This didn't seem unusual for Boby but was quite unusual for even Sara. Though Sara was not a talkative person she looked depressed, worried and quieter than usual. Libby spoke at length about her life - but left out her feelings about the Catholic church after Sara warned her not to discuss it with Grissom as it may hurt his feelings. Instead Libby explained how she'd met Boby at Berkeley when he was twenty four and she was eighteen. They'd immediately hit it off went them met at the 'non conformist movement' meetings. Libby mentioned how she'd been studying English and Boby had been studying to become a doctor. It greatly surprised Grissom and Catherine that Boby a non comformist was studying a subject such as medicine. But then Catherine realised,  
  
"So that's where Sara gets her science head from" Catherine commented and laughed.  
  
"Well, Libby used to love to help Sara with her science too. Remember those experiments we used to do. Exploding stuff in the backyard and making this react with that. All household stuff mind you. It's amazing the science you've got in your own house" Boby explained.  
  
"It was mainly me and mom" Sara snapped.  
  
Boby sighed.  
  
Libby and Boby then explained how when Libby got pregnant it all seemed perfect timing because neither of them wanted to be stuck down with degrees or jobs. They wanted to be free from the chains of capitalism and work demands. So they left college and travelled America with their baby in tow. Boby explained that Libby is the love of his life and he knew the moment he met her. Even though Linda had got pregnant he explained that he didn't love her so they never set up home together. Libby then told how Boby and her finally married when Sara was six. She showed them the picture and Grissom thought to himself as adorable Sara looked as their bridesmaid and indeed as a child. Libby and Boby explained how their parents had forced them really into marriage. They had been cautious of the commitment and the 'chains of marriage' but in the end they found 'it was the perfect way to cement their love' and they didn't regret a second of it. Grissom's heart sank and he felt quite guilty listening to this because secretly he suspected he might have strong feelings for Libby. He knew they could never be requited because she was married and in love with Boby. But Grissom couldn't help but feel down when he had it reaffirmed. Grissom thought he'd never met such a perfect woman - she was funny, smart and so loving. She was beautiful and yet suprisingly she was around his age. He usually went for younger women. But what he feel most attracted to was her spirit. She just had such an amazing spirit. It felt like a knife in his stomach because he knew the woman of his dreams was very unavailable. And what's more he knew she could never love a boring science nerd, with the social and wooing skills of a wombat, like him.  
  
After dinner, Libby suggested they play scrabble but Boby decided to opt out. Libby and Grissom were the clear winners throughout. Finally Libby won. They all had a wonderful laugh.  
  
After all that excitement everyone, except Sara, went to bed around half ten. Sara didn't even attempt to sleep. Libby found Sara outside swinging on the porch swing just after midnight. Libby had gone down to the kitchen to get herself some water. Sara was sitting there with a cup of hot cocoa and a big sweater over pyjamas in tow as the winter months were approaching.  
  
"Baby girl?. What ya doing up?. This is the first opportunity you have had to have some real sleep in months and you don't take it!" Libby said.  
  
"I'm not tired" Sara replied.  
  
"Course you are, baby girl. Don't lie to ME baby girl! - I know every single thing about you" Libby told her.  
  
"Momma, stop calling me baby girl. I'm not six anymore" Sara replied.  
  
"And in answer to your comment. Well funnily enough Mom, people don't tend to feel sleepy when their daughter is staying within a hundred yards of the person trying to kill them" Sara said sarcastically.  
  
"Sara, your father is not going to try and kill Laney!. He's decided not to for now" Libby responded.  
  
"You make that sound so reasonable!. Anyway, what if he changes his mind?" Sara suggested.  
  
"Do you really think I'd put Laney in that much danger?" Libby urged.  
  
Sara paused.  
  
"Sadly I do" Sara replied.  
  
"Is that really what you think?" Libby asked hurt.  
  
"I know you don't mean to, Momma. You have good intentions but you just don't realise what your doing. You don't realise what danger you put people in. Denial isn't the answer" Sara explained honestly.  
  
"No, that is not true!. I know exactly what I'm doing. I do!"  
  
"What you like the several times Linda found me all alone as a baby and she had to look after me because you were too high on hallucigens to remember I exsisted. Everyone says a decent mother would never have got in that state"  
  
"Life isn't that straightforward, Sara!. There's peer pressure and I didn't realise it would leave me in that state. And I always knew there was someone to look after you!. I would never put you in danger!"  
  
"Well you did mom - over and over!" Sara replied.  
  
"Anyway, getting back to Laney. You know what to do. I can't just go break your heart by doing something, Sara. It's your choice - not mine" Libby insisted.  
  
"Yeah well some say that's a cop out" Sara replied.  
  
"What do you say though?" Libby asked.  
  
"I just don't know, Momma. I love you so much and I know you love me. But I just don't know anymore!. I don't have a clue what your thinking half the time" Sara replied and began crying.  
  
Libby comforted Sara and wiped away Sara's tears.  
  
"I'm sorry you feel that way, baby girl" Libby gestured.  
  
"Mom!" Sara pleaded.  
  
"So what's your plan exactly, Sa - ra?. You gonna sit up all night to catch your father knife in hand?. Get no sleep!. And what exactly are you planning to do if he does come down?. How you planning to stop him?. No wait, I forgot you've got a gun!. So great - not only are you going to lose your job but you'll go to jail for life too!" Libby commented sarcastically.  
  
"Laney's worth it" Sara insisted.  
  
"What happened to you saying he could never imagine killing anyone?" Libby asked.  
  
"Now I've got Laney back in my life it's different. She's my daughter I'd die for her" Sara commented.  
  
"I know. It's natural and I'd do the same. It's just - it's just strange to hear you say that" Libby replied.  
  
There was silence for a few seconds as they both thought to themselves.  
  
"What if he sneaks out the back door?" Libby asked.  
  
Sara reached into her pocket and brought out a key.  
  
Libby couldn't help but laugh.  
  
"Sara, I'll make sure he doesn't go" Libby insisted.  
  
"What you gonna do, momma?. Stay up all night?" Sara asked.  
  
"It's better than you staying up!. You need sleep!" Libby insisted.  
  
Sara didn't reply and they sat in silence for a bit.  
  
"You know what you need?. It's a bit late now but remind to do it for you tomorrow. You need a nice relaxing bath. Aromatherapy essences, bubbles, candles, incense and wine!. How does that sound?. You've been so stressed lately and you don't get enough rest as it is" Libby commented.  
  
"It's sounds great, momma. Thanks" Sara replied and then went silent again.  
  
There a short silence again.  
  
"It's a beautiful night" Libby commented.  
  
"Yeah" Sara replied.  
  
"You remember how we used to sit out and see what animals we could make out?. You wanna do that?" Libby suggested.  
  
"No" Sara replied quiet bluntly.  
  
"That's a shame. I swear I can make out a bee and a butterfly already" Libby commented.  
  
The silence recommenced. In the midst of the silence Libby suddenly blurted out,  
  
"I'm sorry" Libby confessed.  
  
"What for?" Sara asked confused.  
  
"I've been such a cow lately and I didn't mean to be a bad mother. I love you - I just was too young to know some things about looking after a baby. Here I got you this. Well, I made it! - To say sorry for trying to buy you with that diamond necklace. Also because I just simply love you baby" Libby said getting a handmade hippy like necklace from the house.  
  
Sara smiled.  
  
"I love it" Sara gestured.  
  
"Really?. I never know with you. Sometimes your just so unlike us and sometimes you - well you nearly are!" Libby commented.  
  
"Mom, I love it because you made for me or you bought it with thought" Sara said holding her mom's hand.  
  
"Oh I have something else!" Libby exclaimed before re entering the house.  
  
Libby came out with a wind chime.  
  
"I bought this for you too" Libby gestured.  
  
Sara smiled.  
  
"And as for the issue of taking your daddy's side. Well it's not like that!. Your daddy's kind of right - but don't tell him I said that. You see we do have to decide what side we're going to choose - we can't just dither in-between. Either we do something or we don't. So unless we do something I've got to keep your father happy and that's all I'm doing. I'm also doing this for you baby girl! - cos you don't want your daddy to get in trouble" Libby explained.  
  
"I know" Sara admitted.  
  
"And he's offered Laney a kidney hasn't he?. That's gotta mean something. It definitely shows he doesn't want her dead" Libby insisted.  
  
"He hasn't given it yet. Anyway, he may not be a match - and he knows it. And frankly mom, I don't think he'll be of any use. You can't be a donor if you're a substance abuser. That rules out half the prospective donors, including daddy and probably you" Sara suggested.  
  
"Your daddy isn't a substance abuser!. He hardly ever touches alcohol or grass anymore. And neither do I. I told you this!" Libby insisted.  
  
"Momma, this is serious. Are telling me that that was the truth?" Sara asked.  
  
"Yes!" Libby insisted.  
  
"I thought you were lying" Sara answered.  
  
"Your daddy's only got drunk twice in six months" Libby insisted.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Don't worry momma, I'll get some sleep. I've got a plan!" Sara reported.  
  
"Yeah?. You gonna let me in on it?" Libby asked.  
  
"I'm gonna sleep with Laney. If he wants to hurt her - he'll have to get through me first!" Sara said  
  
Libby got up, smiled and kissed Sara on the forehead before going back into the house.  
  
"Goodnight baby girl. You'll always been my baby girl!" Libby gestured.  
  
"Mom!" Sara called out.  
  
Libby turned and faced Sara.  
  
"I had some really happy times as a child. And most of the time you are and always have been a fantastic mother. I think you did really well considering you were young. I think all things considered you're a really good mom. You just made some bad decision among the good ones - but no one's perfect" Sara gestured.  
  
Libby was overcome and nearly cried. Instead she just smiled.  
  
"That means a lot. You know sometimes I wonder to myself if you were happy as a child. I know there were some rough times but I always wondered whether they discounted the good times or not. I just was too scared to ask you though in case you told me what I dreaded to hear" Libby replied.  
  
Libby and Sara hugged and then Libby kissed Sara's forehead one last time before going back into the house. Sara went behind the house and over to the B&B section. She approached Laney's room and used her personal set of keys to open the door. As the door opened, Alaney sat up with a jump. She was so relieved to see it was Sara.  
  
"Why aren't you asleep?" Sara asked.  
  
"Would you be able to sleep if a crazed killer, who's making you their No 1 target, was living in the house next to you?" Laney asked.  
  
"I couldn't sleep either. I've had an idea. You wanna hear it?" Sara said.  
  
"Sure" Laney replied.  
  
"When I was younger, whether I was scared or my momma was upset, I used to sleep in bed with mom. We could try that?. It's up to you. It's normal to me but strange to some" Sara suggested.  
  
"I'd be honoured and grateful" Laney replied.  
  
Sara smiled and got in bed with Laney and they lay there hugging. Sara turned off the lamp and they tried to sleep there. Suddenly Sara had a thought and turned the lamp back on.  
  
"Wait!. I nearly forgot. We need to set something up to alert us if someone's coming through the door. That's it!. My mom gave me a wind-chime. I can rig something up" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Sara got out of bed and attached the wind-chime behind the door so that it would alert her if someone opened the door. Then she got back into the bed, hugged Laney again and they slept. They both felt so loved and so happy sleeping in each other's arms.  
  
Around three am, Sara was awoken by the chimes going off. Laney did not awake. Sara had only slept lightly, but Laney felt so protected now Sara was there that she was deep in sleep. Sara heard Boby's voice,  
  
"Sssh! Stupid thing!" Boby said.  
  
Boby had a torch to guide him from the door to the bed. He didn't even check who was in the bed. As he approached he finally shone the torch over to who was in the bed and he was startled by Sara's angry face staring right at him. He jumped back in surprise.  
  
"Gees! What are you doing here?. Shouldn't you be asleep at least?" Boby said startled.  
  
"I could ask you the same thing" Sara whispered angrily..  
  
"I should have guessed you'd be here. I came to check on dearest Alaney. She is my granddaughter after all" Boby sarcastically.  
  
"Sssh! - she might hear you. You don't give a stuff about her!. Just turn around, go back to the rock you crawl out from under and don't bother coming back here any night of our stay. In fact, I think it would be better if Alaney went to stay at Miranda's from tomorrow night onwards. You obviously can't be trusted" Sara demanded.  
  
"Can't I try to love her?" Boby asked.  
  
"I wish you were telling the truth. But you don't fool me" Sara replied.  
  
Boby turned around and left. When he'd finally gone, Sara returned back to sleep. 


	25. Meet the locals

Grissom was awoken by someone entering his room. It was Sara with towels. He was immediately embarrassed by her seeing him like this.  
  
"Morning sleepy head. Do you realise how long you've been asleep?. It's about twelve hours if you slept right through" Sara laughed.  
  
"I think my lack of sleep is finally catching up" Grissom laughed nervously.  
  
"Sorry. Did I wake you up?. I was just bringing towels. My mom forgot to put some here last night in all the excitement. She's so over the moon that you and Catherine have come to visit" Sara explained.  
  
"I noticed" Grissom said calming down and replying friendly.  
  
"When your ready for breakfast just come to the kitchen" Sara added.  
  
She smiled and left. This little incident didn't seem to make her flinch at all. She was so much more laid back at her parent's.  
  
Half an hour later Grissom was dressed and went to breakfast. When he got to the kitchen Boby was cooking various breakfast items and Libby was sitting at the table talking away with Catherine, Sara, Daven and some strangers.  
  
"Ah Gil!. Good morning sleepy head!. Come over here and meet our guests. This is Martha and Harold Kimworth. They're on their way to visit their daughter in San Francisco. She's just given birth. Isn't that sweet?. This is Brianny Taylor. She's currently touring cross country across America and she has come to visit Good ole Tamales Bay for two days. She's just finished a geography degree at Yale. And last but not least this is Mr Timley. He's been recently widowed and is now soaking up the bay to help clear his head. We were just discussing Mr Timley's woes and giving his some advice. Maybe you could help, Mr Grissom. But promise me that if we let you into this circle of trust that you won't judge. Promise?" Libby said.  
  
"I'll try" Grissom replied bombarded.  
  
"Try harder!. I'll be very disappointed in you Mr Grissom if you upset our guest. Now you go on Mr Timley and you tell him your dilemma. I trust him and I think you should too" Libby replied.  
  
"Well, I've met a young lady friend back home. She's twenty five. But she's a real sweet girl. But I just don't know if it's too soon to move on" Mr Timley replied.  
  
"How long ago were you widowed?" Grissom asked.  
  
Mr Timley looked like he was about to cry. Libby took his hand.  
  
"We're here for you Mr Timley. Just let it all out. If you need to cry you cry" Libby reassured him.  
  
"Two weeks" Mr Timley replied.  
  
Suddenly Mr Timley begun to run off crying,  
  
"I'm sorry. Please excuse me" Mr Timley exclaimed.  
  
"He can not be serious!" Sara exclaimed when he'd left.  
  
"Sara Sidle!. Do not judge!" Libby demanded.  
  
"Poor guy. Sara and Gil! Stop sniggering!. Don't think I can't hear you!" Libby demanded.  
  
"He's out the circle of trust now" Sara sniggered.  
  
"He was a bit of a freak wasn't he. Ah, and I bet she's only after his money!. He's seventy nine" Libby admitted.  
  
There was one final stranger left unintroduced. The woman held her hand out to shake with Grissom.  
  
"Hi. Libby's obviously forgotten to introduce me so I'll introduce myself. Hi I'm Linda Oakley. I'm Daven's mom" Linda introduced herself.  
  
"Nice to meet you Linda" Grissom gestured as he shook her hand.  
  
"You two must have met already!. Why Linda's always here!. Have you two seriously not met?. Silly me!" Libby said.  
  
"So Sara, what exciting plans have you got for your friends today?" Linda asked.  
  
"Umm, I don't know" Sara replied.  
  
"How about going down the bay?" Libby suggested.  
  
"Oh yes. Can we, Sara?" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"No I don't think that's a good idea" Sara replied.  
  
"Sara Sidle don't be a pussy. This is our town too" Libby told her off.  
  
"Fine. Grissom, Catherine. Get your coats on. We're going to see the circus" Sara exclaimed getting up.  
  
"Umm, can I have some breakfast first?. I'm starving" Grissom asked.  
  
"No Grissom. If you want to go see the bay, we need to go now" Sara demanded.  
  
"Don't be silly, Sara. Stop acting like a child. This is so unlike you. You go to town all the time. You've been a changed person since your friends have come to stay. You sulk the whole time, you don't speak to your father, you refuse the see to the community who love you because you seem to be ashamed of them and you now you're having a tantrum" Libby said.  
  
"Most of that is untrue. For a start all dad and I used to do is argue - we haven't talked since I was a teenager. So this should be a break for your ears, mother. Secondly, I am not having a tamtrum. Grissom go ahead and eat but we're leaving in an hour" Sara defended.  
  
"Sara, can I have a word?" Boby asked a bit peeved.  
  
"Nope" Sara replied defiantly.  
  
Boby grabbed Sara by the arm and pulled her out the room.  
  
"Boby!" Libby called after him.  
  
Once in another room Boby started having a go at Sara,  
  
"That's it!. I've had enough!. I'm tired of your jibes and comments. You've got to get over this, Sara!. You're acting like a broken record!. You've been acting like a pain ever since Alaney came to stay with you" Boby shouted.  
  
"Get over this!. It's not that easy to get over!. You have no idea do you what a pig you are, do you?" Sara said angrily.  
  
Sara walked off.  
  
"Stop it!" Boby called after her.  
  
Meanwhile in the kitchen Libby was tending to her guests. She got up and got Gil a plate,  
  
"Gil, what would you like to eat?. We have many types of waffle, many types of tea, many types of coffee bean and many types of juice. We have toasts with an assortment of many jams and we have many types of cereal. And if you're really sweet to Boby - he might even cook you a veggie sausage. Anyone for seconds?" Libby offered.  
  
"Your not going to offer us meat at all during our visit are you?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Why would I do that?. Didn't Sara explain?. We can't stand to cook meat" Libby explained.  
  
"So how come Sara ate meat then?" Gil asked amused.  
  
"Pure rebellion. She gets that from her momma - and her dad" Libby laughed.  
  
Sara returned to the kitchen.  
  
"Oh good your back, sweetie. Now once breakfast is over I want you to go down to the shops and buy some dinner for tonight. O.k.?. What would you like Catherine? Grissom?. Daven? Linda? Are you staying tonight?" Libby said.  
  
"Daven is. I can't" Linda replied.  
  
"Oh but you didn't come last night either Linny!. Oh o.k.!. Well, what do the rest of you want tonight?" Libby sulked.  
  
"Yeah anything you can have anything vegetarian that Wal-Mart has to offer" Sara said sarcastically.  
  
"You dare, Sara Sidle!. You dare!. I will not have any of that corporation rubbish in here!" Libby replied angrily.  
  
Sara laughed.  
  
"Libby, she's pushing your buttons. She's joking. Sara stop it" Daven laughed.  
  
Sara drove herself, Catherine, Grissom and Alaney down to the sea front.  
  
"I have an hour then I'm meeting Janey down the beach" Alaney explained.  
  
They started by taking a walk by the seafront.  
  
"It must have been amazing growing up beside the sea" Catherine gestured friendly.  
  
"The bay has its ups and downs" Sara replied bluntly.  
  
"Ignore her. It's wonderful!. You can sun bath any day of the week and the men are tip top tanned and sea breezed!. But I suppose Sara isn't really the sunbathing type. But I hear as a child she loved the beach" Laney commented.  
  
As they were walking along Catherine and Grissom noticed something strange. They could have swore that people were giving them double takes or snide looks. They could have swore that some were even whispering about them. Maybe they weren't used to strangers they thought - but then again - this is a tourist town!.  
  
Sara spotted an ice cream parlour and smiled.  
  
"Let's go get an ice cream" Sara suggested and walk in.  
  
Everyone followed. They walked in and Sara was immediately greeted by the owners. It was obvious by their accent that they were Southern.  
  
"Oh my goodness!. Sara Sidle!. How are you my dear?. I haven't seen you in - oh my! - ages!. How are you pumpkin?" the woman owner said.  
  
"I'm alright. How are you?" Sara asked.  
  
"I'm good. Glad to be back at work after that year off I had because of my heart" Margaret commented.  
  
"I know I've been here four times this year looking for you" Sara replied.  
  
"Last thing I heard you were still in Las Vegas working as a policewoman. You were always so good at science why did you give up on that?" Margaret gestured.  
  
"I haven't, Margaret. I'm a scientist working in the police forensic lab. I'm not a policewoman" Sara replied.  
  
"That's that not what your momma said!. She said you were a policewoman" Margaret replied.  
  
"Ignore my momma" Sara replied.  
  
"Did Sara just call Libby 'momma'?" Catherine whispered to Grissom.  
  
"So pumpkin, whose your friends and what would they like?. Anne darling, take these people's orders and give it them free. I'll do you Miss Sidle - I know exactly what you want and you missy. Alaney Rose! - how are you my sweet?. Another genius!. Your clever people. Your cousins Janey and Michelle were in here a few days ago. They mentioned you guys were coming and said they were real excited. It's made their day. You guys really are close are you?" Margaret said.  
  
Margaret suddenly looked angry and started staring at one of the customers,  
  
"What you staring at?. Just get out. I don't want your racist scum in here!" Margaret shouted.  
  
Catherine had noticed this customer had constantly been giving Sara and her guests dirty looks.  
  
"Thanks Margaret" Sara said embarrassed.  
  
"Ignore them pumpkin. They're just ignorant. Their scared of what they don't understand. Your always welcome here sugar, you know that. Here take some free cookies. Here's thirty - that should cover all the community and your guests" Margaret gestured.  
  
"No don't be silly Margaret. Anyway, my mom's baked enough to make the whole community obese for at least ten years" Sara responded.  
  
Margaret laughed.  
  
"How is your mama?. She left that pig father of yours yours?" Margaret asked.  
  
Sara took her ice cream and laughed.  
  
"I'll see you around Margaret" Sara replied.  
  
Sara went to leave but had a sudden thought.  
  
"Hey Margaret, who's running the food store today?"  
  
"Umm Saturday, Let's see. It's - oh gees! - it's Mr and Mrs Jenson, baby" Margaret replied.  
  
"Great!. It was going to be bad enough" Sara said.  
  
"Hey Sara, we love all of you" Margaret gestured.  
  
"I know thanks Margaret. See you later" Sara replied.  
  
Sara left and the others followed. Grissom and Catherine were left very confused.  
  
A few shops down was a food store. Sara and the others walked in. As soon as they walked in the noise in the store gradually quietened down to near silence. Some of the people gave Sara and her guests looks and some appeared to even be whispering about her. Gradually the noise increased to normal volume again. Sara and the others went round the store picking stuff for dinner and getting other necessities. Grissom and Catherine noticed that some people tried to avoid Sara and Laney or walked away when either of the pair was near them. It was like Sara and Alaney had the plague. Finally they got everything they needed and approached the counter. The cashiers were immediately hostile,  
  
"Well look who it is?. I thought the town had finally got rid of you. One down more to go I say. Your lucky I'm even serving you" Mrs Jenson said.  
  
The Jensons seemed to be in their fifties and both had California born accents.  
  
"Leave her alone, Shirley. She's not like those freaks. She's relatively normal and she's real smart. So's the other one" Mr Jenson commented.  
  
"No, she's weird too. A freak just like the rest of them. Maybe she doesn't realise it yet - but she's got camp cuckoo in her. Just look at the way she dresses" Shirley Jenson commented.  
  
"Stop calling them freaks!. And don't bother Mr Jenson cos your wife's right - I am one of them. Their my family and my community so if your calling them freaks you may as well call me one too!. Don't talk about my community in that way!. You know nothing about us!. You haven't even been up there. All you've heard is stupid nonsense rumours. All of you! - Yeah don't think I don't know your staring and listening. This is our town too and we're entitled to live here. Freedom of choice!" Sara shouted.  
  
"Your polluting this town and your lot are a danger to our kids. Your no better than gypsies!" Shirley Jenson shouted back.  
  
The audience gasped at this word. Sara paused and then retaliated furiously.  
  
"My family can get it's hands on thirty million dollars at the snapped of their fingers. We have roots in mansions and country clubs. You couldn't get your hands on twenty dollars!. And the nearest you have to roots is the vegetables you sell!. My grandparents have more respect and honour in their little finger than your whole family does overall. My parents, myself and Alaney have all gone to or are going to Ivy League schools. No one in your family hasn't even been to college!. Your racist bits of rubbish without two brain cells to rub between any of you. I would rather be a freak than a racist ignorant jealous twit like you and all the small town small minded people are!. Good day Mr and Mrs Jenson and good day to you all - I hope some day you all grow up!" Sara declared.  
  
Sara left money on the counter and stormed out with her groceries. Catherine and Grissom were left gob smacked. Suddenly a lot about Sara Sidle made sense.  
  
Catherine and Grissom glanced over at Sara as they walked along and she sat crying on the beach.  
  
"We can't just leave her there when she's upset" Catherine commented.  
  
"She said she wanted space. We'll go back in a minute" Grissom replied equally worried.  
  
Sara sat sobbing. Not only did she feel embarrassed - no matter how many times she'd heard she still took the comments offesnsively. Suddenly she heard a familiar male voice,  
  
"I always breaks my heart when I see a beautiful woman on the beach not wearing a bikini!. I pray every night that one day I'll catch Sara Sidle in a bikini - it never happens!" the male joked cheekily.  
  
Sara turned and he saw her tears. He was late 20's or early 30's, blond hair and good looking. His clothes suggested he had some connection to camp cuckoo. Though he did sport some modern items. He seemed to have a cheeky streak and was a bit of a comedian. But he also seemed to care alot about Sara. He acted like he had a huge ego but you could tell it was a joke.  
  
"Sunbeam, what's wrong?. Why spoil a beautiful face?" the male asked.  
  
"Seb!" Sara sobbed and fell into his arms crying.  
  
"Well, this isn't the welcome I expected but it's pretty good. I always knew you were a tart, Sara Sidle - you'll fall into the arms of any man who gives you a line. Not that I'm complaining Tell me - what's wrong?. It can't be your mom" Seb replied more sympathetically.  
  
"I just had an argument with the Jensons in front of the whole food store!. My friends were there and they heard all the terrible things they said!" Sara confessed.  
  
"Oh baby!. Just ignore them - you usually do. What did your friends say?" Seb commented.  
  
"They're on my side. They were really nice" Sara responsed.  
  
There was a pause of silence as Sara regained her composure.  
  
"So what you doing here?. Let me guess" Sara joked.  
  
"I'm fishing for scantily clad women, of course" Seb replied cheekily.  
  
Sara gave a small laugh and tried to give a smile but she was feeling too low. Seb tried to tickle her.  
  
"Stop it!" Sara laughed.  
  
"I will make you smile!. I will!" he replied playfully.  
  
Sara couldn't hold it in anymore and she finally gave a smile.  
  
"There we got. That wasn't too hard" Seb gloated.  
  
"So how come you've been here since yesterday and you haven't come to see any of us?" Seb asked.  
  
Sara looked at him guiltily and vulnerably.  
  
"I'll be along tonight, I promise. My friends might come too. They've already met the stereotype, so the real thing can't be that bad" Sara agreed reluctantly.  
  
"Lucky us!. We gonna see any action from those hips?" Seb asked as he played with her hips cheekily.  
  
"What kind of action?!?" Sara replied half shocked and half joking.  
  
"No!!!. Urghh!!. Don't be so disgusting - your like a sister to me!. You know very well I meant dancing!. You get getting snappy though. That was a good one - I'm impressed. So you gonna do any of us the honour of a dance?" Seb exclaimed.  
  
"Probably not" Sara replied coyly.  
  
Alaney, Janey, Catherine and Grissom came back to the pair.  
  
"Sara, just asked me to have sex with her. I am disgusted!" Seb joked to the others.  
  
"I did not!" Sara exclaimed embarrassed and whacked his arm.  
  
"Sidle, you always know if your ever desperate for some nookie - I'm here for!" Seb joked cheekily.  
  
Sara didn't know whether to laugh or die of embarrassment - so she did both at the same time. Finally Sara introduced Seb,  
  
"Grissom, Catherine. Meet Seb. Seb, these are my friends from work" Sara introduced.  
  
Seb held out his hand to shake theirs,  
  
"Hi. Sara and I are like brother and sister unless she wants to sleep with me" Seb said to amuse them.  
  
"Ignore his boldness. Their not used to that, Seb" Sara commented.  
  
"Conservative?" Seb asked.  
  
"Actually Catherine used to be a stripper" Laney added.  
  
"Well wahey!. I don't know whether to say good for you or say that is terrible because I don't believe in the degradation of women!" Seb replied cheekily comedic.  
  
"Oh yeah!. So you didn't just ask me to parade around in a bikini?. And your not here 'fishing for scantily clad women'?" Sara joked.  
  
"She lies!. It's all lies!. My policy on bikinis is 'no no' due to the way it degrades women. I do have hippy roots after all. Therefore I am only here fishing for scantily clad women to cover them up and return them home!. Starting with you Janey!" Seb declared comedically.  
  
Seb grabbed his towel, put it round Janey and pick her up carrying her away.  
  
"Sebastian Stop it!" Janey exclaimed laughing.  
  
"Excuse me I have to take this disgraced lady home!. I don't know Janey, your Uncle Lenny takes you in as his own and you repay him by parading round like a tart!" Seb joked.  
  
"I thought this was meant to be about women's rights?!?" Janey corrected him joking.  
  
"That too!" Seb added.  
  
"Seb, put her down. Your do your back in!" Sara ordered him gentlely.  
  
"I apologise. He is mad" Sara explained to Catherine and Grissom.  
  
Seb put Janey down and became serious.  
  
"Seriously though, Sara's friend. You shouldn't degrade yourself like that. I know I joke about bikinis but that's harmless. You really should have more respect for yourself. Your not an object. Sex should be about the pleasure of equally enjoying an pleasurable activity. I've never stepped into a strip joint. That isn't what sexual pleasure should be about. At least not if your using a woman to get it" Seb said.  
  
"Well I don't know whether to thank you or slap you" Catherine replied.  
  
"Just make sure you don't turn out like Sara's mom" Seb commented.  
  
Sara was gob-smacked he'd said this.  
  
"What's wrong with Sara's mom?" Catherine asked  
  
"Don't Seb" Sara responded angrily.  
  
"Libby used to defend minority rights. Now she's sold out" Seb explained..  
  
"Maybe it's a lot easier than you think, Seb" Laney defended.  
  
"As I was saying. And we as a community aren't going to stand for it much longer" Seb explained.  
  
"No, I think you will Seb. But your heart's in the right place" Sara replied.  
  
She kissed his cheek and he hugged her. Then Seb left on a somber mood.  
  
"What's he talking about?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Nothing" Sara replied.  
  
Later on that day, Boby noticed Alaney sitting in the living room and decided to approach her.  
  
"Hello. How are you? - Laney" Boby asked trying to be nice.  
  
"Err, Fine" Laney replied suspicious.  
  
"I've got an idea. You want to go to a coffee house and get to know each other?" Boby asked out the blue.  
  
"No" Laney replied immediately scared.  
  
"May I ask why?" Boby asked.  
  
"Well, err. Well, frankly you scare me. Your not a very nice man. So, a) I don't like you and b) I don't trust you. Plus I don't know why you would want to when you appear to hate me" Laney replied.  
  
"Understandable. Listen I've decided I want to get to know you. See how it goes and I might start to be nice to you afterwards. Maybe even like you eventually. Let me try and explain. You see Sara is part of my family and your part of Sara's - Umm" Boby explained.  
  
"Family?" Laney suggested  
  
"No! - your not Sara's family!. Your not that unless your related to her and your not. Let me start again. I love Sara and she loves you for some strange reason. So -" Boby reiterated sort of angry.  
  
"So your going to try to love me?" Laney suggested.  
  
"No!. Stop interrupting me!. You've got it all wrong. I love Sara - and Sara's loves you - because your her - her - her play thing!" Boby explained.  
  
"Her play thing?. You make me sound like her doll" Laney replied unimpressed.  
  
"No! - your not her doll either!. But I know!. Your like Sara's pet!. Your the equivalent to Sara's pet dog" Boby explained.  
  
"Are you saying I'm a bitch?" Laney responded.  
  
"Look I don't have a sense of humour - so try it. Your Sara's pet - that means she's not like a mother to you but she looks after you and cares about you. That's the perfect allegory!. So as Sara's parents we have a responsibility to look after you so she doesn't get upset - because she cares about you because you're her pet. Understand?" Boby explained.  
  
"So you do care about me?" Laney asked.  
  
"Kind of" Boby admitted digusted by the idea.  
  
"Boby has feelings!" Laney teased.  
  
"Shut up!" Boby shouted.  
  
Boby gave Laney a cold stare and she stopped.  
  
"This is my only offer to be nice. If you don't take it now I may never offer again. I'm in a good mood. So let me show you that I can be nice. How about you join Libby and I in the kitchen for an afternoon tea?" Boby offered.  
  
"We could do that" Laney agreed reluctantly.  
  
Boby smiled and they went to the kitchen. Laney was quite confused and suspicious (as was Sara later when she heard about this afternoon tea). Libby was partly surprised, partly confused, partly suscipious and partly happy. The tea actually went quite well. Alaney even begun to comprehend why Libby might love Boby. Laney saw a new friendlier side to Boby that she had only seen him direct at some select other people but never at herself until now. She didn't know whether it was real and it wasn't overly sweet but it was more humane than usual. For the first time in her life, Boby was actually nice to Laney. 


	26. The reality

"Hurry up Sara or we'll have to go down without you" Boby called up the stairs.  
  
Sara came rushing down.  
  
"I'm ready, I'm ready" Sara announced.  
  
Everyone left the Sidle's house and begun to walk towards what was camp cuckoo. Soon after setting off Sara pulled her father far behind the others to walk with her.  
  
"I want a word with you" Sara demanded.  
  
Boby co-operated.  
  
"Why have you started being nice to Laney?. What are you up to?" Sara asked.  
  
"You told me to stop ignoring her. To stop being horrid to her. You said you wished I cared about her more. I'm just trying to make things up with you. I want us to be on better terms, Sara. I was hoping we could have our own afternoon tea sometime soon. I'm just so sick of all this bickering between us. Me and your mother are happy why can't us two be?" Boby commented.  
  
"My mom's gullible. I will never be like her. I know you inside out, dad!. There's no point trying to fool me!. The only reason you're ever nice to someone is to get them into bed or trap them into trusting you so you can hurt them later. So listen up because I'll only say this once. If you hurt Alaney in any shape or form I will hunt you down and kill you myself. Do you understand?. Don't test my patience because I have had it up to here with you. You are walking a very fine line" Sara whispered angrily.  
  
"I'm trying my best, Sara. I just can't win with you!. I try and make it up to you. I try to be nice to stop the bickering but you still don't let up" Boby defended.  
  
"Are you sorry?" Sara asked.  
  
"What?" Boby replied pretending not to know what she meant.  
  
"Are you sorry for all the things you've done to hurt people?. You know what I mean" Sara asked angrily.  
  
Boby just went silent. He tried to speak but no words come out.  
  
"You know me too well. You know there's no point lying to me. You know that I won't do much about the fact you don't care. But the fact is you don't care. You don't care about anyone more than yourself. All you care about is looking good. You don't seem to understand. The point of forgiveness is that you're meant to be sorry for what you've done. We can't move on until I've forgiven you and unless you were genuinely sorry that can't happen. What's wrong with you?. How can you think that everything will just be o.k. because you say so. How on earth do you think I can just forget when your not even sorry?. Maybe mom's right. Maybe you are ill in the head. You just don't seem to understand the seriousness of what you done" Sara lectured him.  
  
Boby sighed. He was disappointed but was taking some of this in.  
  
"Can we at least be civil?. We used to be civil before your friends came" Boby tried.  
  
"We can be civil. But we won't be having any jolly afternoon teas. Civil ones maybe" Sara replied.  
  
Sara pointed a finger right into Boby's face and said angrily,  
  
"Don't touch her!".  
  
Sara turned away to walk off but Boby said something which caught her attention,  
  
"I love you. So why's it so hard to believe I might be falling in love with her too?" Boby asked.  
  
Sara was quite shocked but this. But knew how to react.  
  
"I find it hard to believe that you just suddenly woke up this morning, after eighteen years of feeling zilch for her, and decided you love her. You've never thought of her as part of this family - so don't pretend you do now. But frankly, it's doesn't matter whether you love her or not - that won't stop you hurting her. Just don't go near her. Please" Sara replied.  
  
The walk hadn't been long through the forest when the group soon approached a fence. Again there was a sign which said 'PRIVATE PROPERTY'. There was a gate and they went through. Catherine and Grissom began to hear music. It sounded like a guitar and a young man singing. Sara was in front of everyone and as they reached the trees clearing Sara announced,  
  
"Welcome to camp cuckoo!".  
  
Catherine and Grissom glanced around. There were loads of little wood houses. They weren't much but they were better than trailers. Behind the small houses were four medium sized houses. They were Libby and Boby's siblings' houses and Daven's mom's house. Catherine counted sixteen of the smaller houses. These smaller houses all faced inwards in an oblong shape. All the houses had porches and there were people sitting on them. There were loads of campfires and people sitting round them. There were quite a few children, quite a few teenagers and quite a few adults. Some people wore full blown new age clothing, some had a hint of modern and a hint of new age, and some wore purely modern but casual clothing. It was early evening and the breeze was cool. Everyone seemed so relaxed and happy. Children were playing various games with each other. Teenagers and adults were sitting round chatting or listening to the boy who was playing the guitar and singing or they were listening to music records.  
  
"What's wrong with it?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Nothing much. Except for the harms of drugs I'm fairly happy with it" Sara answered.  
  
"So why did you make a fuss?" Grissom asked.  
  
"If I'd never given you any warning don't you think you'd be a bit taken aback by the 24/7 street party feeling?. Even the clothing?. Anyway, the real thing isn't as bad as the stereotype. But the locals have blown everything out of proportion. They think it's some kind of cult or something. Camp cuckoo's just different - their not too dangerous. You get drugs and casual sex anywhere" Sara explained.  
  
"I suppose your right. I would have been surprised if you hadn't warned me" Grissom admitted.  
  
"You're lucky. It's not howling night" Sara laughed  
  
"Howling night?" Catherine asked.  
  
"If you'd be here a week earlier my mother would have more than likely make you howl at the moon. But hey freedom of opinion!. Whatever pushes their buttons. The week before some people even had a partner swinging session. But my parents aren't into that anymore though" Sara explained.  
  
"Tell me it's a type of dance" Grissom replied.  
  
"Don't be such a prude" Sara laughed.  
  
Catherine was quite surprised Sara had just reacted that way.  
  
"Did you say 24/7 partying?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Basically!" Sara smiled.  
  
"It looks like. Well being on holiday every single night. It looks brilliant" Catherine replied.  
  
"Yeah, it is. It's really fun. Really socialable. It was fun to grow up here. Their really friendly - they'll love you" Sara replied.  
  
Gradually people started to notice Sara and Laney and came over. Everyone was over the moon to see them. Soon it was like an exodus over to the pair. Catherine and Grissom couldn't get anywhere near Sara and Laney. But before long, Libby started introducing Catherine and Grissom to everyone. The community were talking and talking away to Catherine and Grissom. They were really friendly people. Soon, loads of people started to bring lots of tables out and lay them in a long row. The tables became laden with food and drink. Soon Catherine and Grissom were ushered over to sit down at a table by some talkative strangers. Everyone had thousands of questions for the pair: "So what's it like working with our Sara?", "She's really clever. Don't you think?", "Is she good at her job?", "How's Alaney doing?", "What's Las Vegas like?", "Do you like living in Las Vegas?", "What is an entomologist exactly?", "What college did you go to?", etcetera. They clearly loved Sara and Laney to death. They were so friendly that even Grissom felt at ease. Grissom and Catherine had a wonderful time. Similarly Sara was having the time of her life too. Catherine and Grissom noticed how at ease Sara seemed around her family and her community. Over the last few days they had saw an ease and confidence in Sara that they'd never seen before.  
  
When it began to get dark some of the community started to put some lights up. This actually added to the party feel. After dinner, music was put on and everyone started dancing. Not two step but actual partner dancing like a square dance or something. Sara and Grissom were separately reluctant to dance but people eventually got them dancing. Everyone swapped partners and everyone danced with everyone. Grissom danced with Catherine, Alaney and loads of strangers. Grissom felt too shy and felt it too awkward to ask Sara or Libby to dance. But he had a burning desire to dance with them both. Grissom was secretly over the moon then when Libby came over and asked him to dance. He felt such a connection with her. Sara thought it a bad idea to ask Grissom to dance. He was more then likely going to say its too awkward considering.  
  
After half an hour of dancing Sara was knackered. She looked round for people to talk to because though she didn't mind having time alone she knew it would appear rude. Being camp cuckoo there were thousands of people sitting down who Sara could quite easily talk to. Even though there was at least thirty or forty people dancing there were still thirty or so sitting down. Sara noticed Annie and Billy. There were a couple in their late twenties. Annie and Billy had just had a baby girl called Amber only six months ago. This baby accompanied their three year old son Dylan who was currently running around playing with some of the teenagers. Sara went over to the couple who were holding their baby.  
  
"Well hello stranger. How are you?. You still liking the bright lights of the big city?" Annie said.  
  
"I'm good. I still love my job. Can I ask you a favour?. I was wondering if I could hold Amber?" Sara asked.  
  
"Why of course you can!", Annie exclaimed delighted, "Did you hear that Billy?. Sara Sidle wants to bond with a child?".  
  
"I sure did" Billy replied delighted.  
  
Annie handed baby Amber over to Sara.  
  
"So what's got into you Sara Sidle?. You going soft on us?. I have heard on the grapevine that ever since you had Alaney dumped on your doorstep you've grown quite attached to that teenager. But I didn't realise it extended to little children too! - let alone babies!. She really has changed your life hasn't she?. I never really got why you had such a problem with children anyway" Annie commented ecstatically.  
  
Sara seemed quite scared holding the baby but soon eased right into it. She really enjoyed it.  
  
"So does this mean your be having your own baby soon?" Annie asked.  
  
"Annie!. Don't be so rude!" Billy exclaimed.  
  
"Do you mean am I pregnant?. No!. I'm not!. But who knows - maybe one day" Sara replied.  
  
"Well you better hurry up before your biological clock runs out!. You're nearly thirty three now aren't you?" Annie commented, not meaning to sound so rude.  
  
"I need to sort some things out in my life first. But maybe then" Sara replied.  
  
"You don't even know if she's got a steady man, Annie!. How about it Sara?. Anyone special in your life?" Billy commented.  
  
"No, not at the moment" Sara replied quite content as she looked into the baby's eyes.  
  
"A lovely girl like you?. I'll tell you what you need. You need to change your job. Your momma is always telling us how you hardly get out because of your job!" Billy commented.  
  
Sara looked round and happened to notice a group of teenagers nearly out of sight in the wood. She knew exactly what they were doing.  
  
"Excuse me. Thank you ever so much" Sara said and gave the baby back.  
  
Sara begun walking over to the teenagers and suddenly noticed Daven was going in the same direction. He raised his eyebrows disapprovingly when he saw her to acknowledge he'd seen what she had. They walked into the woods and approached a group of logs where the teenagers, including Alaney and Janey, were sitting smoking PCP. Sara took the joint out of one of their mouths and sat down. Daven sat down too. The teenagers' tutted. Sara and Daven were not pleased. They launched into a funny duologue.  
  
"Did I ever tell you the story I like to call the cannibalistic cheerleader on PCP?" Sara asked, knowing she hadn't.  
  
"No Sara, that's a new one" one of the girls replied.  
  
"We've told you about Harry, the guy who never came out of a LSD trip, right?" Daven asked.  
  
"We're not doing LSD" one of the boys replied.  
  
"No, but your doing. Once your sitting comfortable I'll tell you the cheerleader story. Then Daven will tell you his testimony on how much his life improved, and indeed 6th grade, when he gave up weed" Sara told them.  
  
"You can't only have the cheerleader story to tell, Sara?" Daven commented.  
  
"Oh no Daven, I have millions" Sara replied.  
  
"We could keep them here all night" Daven proposed evilly.  
  
"I mean for goodness sake, Alaney!. How many times have I told you personally to stop smoking drugs?!?" Sara exasperated.  
  
"I haven't been doing anything" Laney insisted.  
  
"She hasn't" Janey agreed.  
  
"All of you! - How many times do we have to tell you to not mess with drugs?" Sara exasperated.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"I assigned to the case of a 17 year old cheerleader found dead in the middle of a football field. Her liver had been eaten" Sara begun to tell the story.  
  
Finally at two am the party begun to finish. By three am there was only a few people quietly sitting out chatting by the campfires with only the odd guitar playing quietly. Most of the people with young families were asleep. Catherine and Grissom were quite worried about how much sleep the children could get if the parties went on every night and till this time. But Sara soon reassured them that loud music doesn't play till that time every night and some nights they didn't even have such loud parties. She did mention though that the community was doing something ever night usually. By two thirty, Sara and her guests were leaving. Sara was quite disappointed to find Laney coming back too. So Sara pulled her aside and had a word with her.  
  
"What are you doing, Laney?. I thought you were staying at Miranda's?. You don't think your safe round my dad now do you?. You're in more danger than ever!. He pretends to be nice to people so they trust him and then their more vulnerable. Let me give you an example. Before your cosy little tea if he asked you to go for a walk round the woods you wouldn't dream of it. But now he's convinced you he's all nice and sweet you might not think twice about going. By tomorrow morning we'll find you dead in the bottom of some river!" Sara whispered to Laney.  
  
"I'm not that gullible" Laney whispered back.  
  
"Don't trust him" Sara whispered in warning.  
  
"I don't. The only reason I'm going back is I had a word with Daven and he's staying over in his room tonight. He'll protect me and he'll make sure your dad doesn't come and kill me in the middle of the night. It's a bit too late and he's drunk too much to drive back to his apartment anyway. He's just staying with his dad instead of his mum instead. Nothing too suspicious about that" Laney explained.  
  
Sara smiled. Daven's presence gave her some reassurance.  
  
Grissom had another wonderful sleep that night. He dreamt about Libby. Only in his dreams could he be with Libby. He just wanted to stay asleep forever. Suddenly he realised that Libby's voice wasn't a dream anymore. She was really calling him. He felt her shaking him.  
  
"Grissom!. Grissom!. Grissom!. Wake up Grissom!" Libby  
  
"Huh?" he woke up with a start.  
  
"Sorry Grissom but its eleven thirty. I'd really appreciate it if you could come have some breakfast. You can't go without breakfast - it's the best meal of the day" Libby insisted.  
  
"Right. Umm. O.k." Grissom said dumbfounded.  
  
Libby begun to leave and then turned and said,  
  
"Oh and Mr Grissom. Good Morning!" Libby said full of beans.  
  
Catherine was coming out her room just as Grissom left for breakfast.  
  
"Where are you going?" Grissom asked interested.  
  
"Yoga" Catherine smiled.  
  
"Yoga?" Grissom sniggered.  
  
"Don't laugh!. It's very therapeutic and good exercise. I don't judge you, do I?. See you later" Catherine smiled.  
  
Grissom walked over to the house and walked through the open back door into the kitchen. Libby got up.  
  
"Morning Grissom. Come sit down. What would you like?" Libby said with a smile.  
  
Grissom sat down. Sara, her cousin Janey, Daven, Linda and Alaney were sat at the table.  
  
"Oh Sara, did your mom tell you Grandma, Granddad and my sister are coming Tuesday?" Janey told her.  
  
The smile was wiped from both Sara and Libby's face.  
  
"No. Great!. Just when I had a shared of self esteem growing up. Mom why did you tell them could come?. Why didn't you even tell me they were coming?" Sara asked.  
  
"Do you think I asked them to come!. Sara, they're your grandparents and they love you and they want to see you. They invited themselves but it would be wrong of me to stop them or not tell them your here" Libby replied.  
  
"It's not that I don't want to see them. I love them too. It's just this is a hard enough visit without grandma inferring in my life, mom. Plus Beatrice is a pain in the backside. She's always trying to make me feel small!" Sara replied.  
  
"You think she makes YOU feel small!. Imagine being her twin sister then!. She always goes on about how I got the bad end of the deal living in camp cuckoo rather than with the grandparents. Like its second rate or something" Janey added.  
  
"I can't believe they'd come here!" Sara laughed.  
  
"I told them that you didn't have time to visit. White lie!. So they reluctantly invited themselves here. That's how much they love you. Plus they haven't seen the other girls in ages" Libby responded.  
  
"Janey, Beatrice and you are their favourites though" whispered Libby.  
  
"Anyway, your grandparents are getting old. They may not be with us forever" Libby said sensitively.  
  
Two hours later, Catherine and Grissom sat alone in the Sidle's lounge. Sara, her parents and Alaney were out visiting camp cuckoo. Grissom had to stay behind to finish tweaking his lecture for tomorrow. Catherine offered to stay behind. It soon became apparent why Catherine had offered. Catherine got a chair and wedged it behind the lounge door to stop people getting in.  
  
"What are you doing?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Grissom. How would like to do a little science experiment?" Catherine proposed.  
  
"What?" Grissom responded.  
  
"Grissom, I'm really worried about Sara. I'm going to something really rude and really bad but I feel the pros will outweigh the cons" Catherine pleaded.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Grissom asked.  
  
Catherine reached under her chair and pulled out her CSI kit.  
  
"I was thinking we could do a little search for significant blood?" Catherine said.  
  
"No Catherine!" Grissom ordered.  
  
"Come on. As soon as I walked into this room I swear I could smell bleach. Couldn't you?" Catherine insisted.  
  
"Yeah but that could have been used for something else" Grissom defended half lying to himself.  
  
"I also saw the look on Sara's face when she smelt it. She wasn't pleased. Maybe cos she knew we may guess. So I was thinking - there's no harm in checking for blood is there?. Just in case?" Catherine said.  
  
"There's a lot of harm, Catherine!. Like what if they find out we've been snooping?" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"You were livid before. What's changed?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Sara wouldn't lie to us. You said it yourself" Grissom reminded her.  
  
"I've changed my mind" Catherine told him.  
  
"Why now?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Everything is starting to make sense. Last night when we went to camp cuckoo and I was talking to all those people - No one likes him, Grissom!. They all say the same thing - that's he's a pig. No one will say why though. There doesn't seem to be a reason. Even his own son doesn't like him!. I need to know. Like I said - I'm worried about Sara. She's very strange. A violent home might explain some of her behaviour" Catherine told him.  
  
"Like?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Like her disregard for her own safety?. And oh yeah the obvious one - her behaviour towards domestic violence!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"She's just a caring and sensitive person, Catherine. Sara doesn't show the signs of being abused. Libby doesn't show it either. There's not a single mark on her at the moment" Grissom proposed.  
  
"At the moment!. Anyway, how do you know what's under her clothes?" Catherine responded.  
  
"No way! - Libby's too full of life. She has immense self confidence. You'd be able to tell. She's the one always telling him what to do" Grissom replied.  
  
"Do you really think that?. It's all an act. Everything he says she does. She doesn't tell him what to do really. Their acting or covering up, Grissom. Boby has hardly said a word since we've come - do you really think he's like that?. Why do think Sara hates him so much?. If he has an opinion then Libby has to back him up. Do you realise Boby wasn't even going to let Libby donate a kidney for Laney?. Why did she even let him have that control over her, Grissom?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Libby isn't a blood relative so there's no point. Boby's Alaney's father remember?. He didn't want to put her through all that. He loves her" Grissom reminded Catherine.  
  
Catherine suddenly remembered. Grissom thought Boby was Alaney's father. Catherine couldn't tell him the truth - it wasn't fair to Sara. But it proved her point so well!. Libby might have let Laney die to do what Boby said!. She concealed Sara's rape to do what Boby thought best!.  
  
"What about what her friend at the beach was talking about?. How about Libby's 'bad health'?. She doesn't seem ill at all, Grissom. I can tell the signs in all their behaviour. Libby's hiding it well but not well enough" Catherine proposed.  
  
"No. Sara doesn't act abused" Grissom insisted.  
  
"That's the problem. If I'm right - all she cares about is her mother. She doesn't care about herself or realise the effect growing up in a violent home has had on her. It's like she emotionless to violence on herself. Remember when the lab blew up and she didn't care about her wounds?" Catherine said.  
  
"She was in shock, Catherine. Anyway, Sara wouldn't lie. You said it yourself" Grissom insisted.  
  
"I know for a fact that she's lied about other things. She's like a pathological liar, Grissom!. The only thing that convinced you when you asked her about Boby was her word. I can assure you her word is worthless. Please I just have a hunch. I need to know" Catherine pleaded with him.  
  
"Hippies are peace loving and non violent" Grissom reminded her.  
  
"You can't just presume that every one of them is" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
Grissom paused, thought for a while and begun to change his mind.  
  
"Have you ever wondered how such a good CSI as Sara wasn't working when I called her to join us?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Vaguely" Catherine responded.  
  
"She took a leave of absence. When I asked her why she didn't tell me much. She just said her mother had become really ill. She avoided telling me why. Everyone keeps asking Sara how her mother is and no one I've met actually likes him. - everyone except Libby that is. He has no personality yet she seems to think the sun shines out his backside. We could always try. Spray some phenolphthalein and clear it up if we find anything. They won't be back for ages" Grissom said.  
  
"It's unlikely there'll be blood unless there's head trauma. Even if we find some blood drops from what could be a punch it could be a coincidence. But that doesn't mean he's not violent. But it's worth a try - for a start" Catherine replied.  
  
Grissom nodded. Catherine smiled and handed Grissom a bottle of phenolphthalein. They started spraying in random places but didn't find anything significant. Finally Grissom sprayed a coffee table and found a significant amount of blood all along part of it. It looked like a head trauma. He stopped and closed his eyes in distress. His whole world came crashing down around him. He felt like he might be sick but instead he just started to shake.  
  
"Grissom" Catherine said with fear in her voice.  
  
Grissom turned. Catherine had found blood all down one of the walls.  
  
"This looks like a head trauma" Catherine said regretfully.  
  
Grissom came over and looked.  
  
"There's a probable head trauma over on that coffee table too" Grissom said dazed.  
  
Catherine went over and looked. She put her hands on her face in distress.  
  
"Two head traumas!. This blood can't be more than a few months old, Grissom!. Two head traumas in that time. This is quite serious Grissom!" Catherine responded with concern.  
  
"She was in intensive care a few months ago wasn't she" Grissom replied.  
  
"It's true, Grissom. It's really true!. He's really knocking her about. Shit!. Deep down I didn't really want to believe it!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
But soon she stopped. She could hear sobbing. Until now she hadn't turned around. She turned to find Grissom sitting down sobbing and looking distraught.  
  
"Oh Grissom" Catherine responded sympathetically.  
  
"You really like Libby don't you?. And I know how fond you are of Sara. I'm fond of her too" Catherine gestured.  
  
She came over and comforted him with an arm round his shoulder. They cried together.  
  
"He's hurting them Catherine!. He's really hurting them" Grissom sobbed.  
  
"Maybe not, Sara" Catherine replied hopefully.  
  
"Emotionally though. He's screwed up her head" Grissom responded.  
  
"Considering what she's been through. She's actually amazingly sane! - except for the emotionless about her own pain thing" Catherine proposed.  
  
"I should have seen it. But she didn't show the signs!" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"Like I said. She's so wrapped up in protecting her mom that she doesn't realise the affect it's all had on her. But she's a victim too" Catherine told him.  
  
Catherine suddenly realised something,  
  
"Grissom your shaking" she commented surprised.  
  
"So are you" Grissom replied.  
  
Catherine hadn't realised she was until now.  
  
They both just looked at each other speechless.  
  
"I'm going to kill him Catherine" Grissom told her while looking her straight in the eyes.  
  
"No, your not" Catherine insisted.  
  
They happened to look around and suddenly noticed Sara's shocked and betrayed face leaning in through the window. She couldn't believe they'd done this. She was distraught.  
  
"How could you do this?. How could you come into my home and invade my privacy?" Sara shouted.  
  
Sara shook her head and ran off in floods of tears.  
  
"Sara wait!" Grissom called out the window.  
  
"Well if we still had any doubts she's just confirmed it" Catherine commented.  
  
Grissom soon followed after Sara. Catherine had agreed to clean up and follow soon after. 


	27. Boby, Laura and Emily

Grissom found Sara sat sobbing alone on the porch. Grissom came over and sat by her. She didn't say anything. She just looked numb.  
  
"There's no point in saying sorry to you, Sara - because I'm not. I'm glad I know!" Grissom told her.  
  
"Your honest I'll give you that. We've always admired your honesty" Sara responded.  
  
"Who?" Grissom asked.  
  
"The team" she replied.  
  
Sara turned and looked straight at him.  
  
"Answer me honestly. Did you snoop because you're nosey or because you care?" Sara asked.  
  
"How can you ask me that?. Because I care, of course" Grissom responded hurt.  
  
"I believe you. You did seem upset when my dad hit me because I wouldn't let him take Laney away" Sara replied.  
  
"Does that happen often? Does he hit you too?" Grissom asked sensitively.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara replied.  
  
"Please Sara. I'm worried" Grissom reiterated.  
  
"No. Not often. Usually I only get hurt if I try break them up. It's nothing. And as for my mom, don't worry about her - She's got me" Sara replied.  
  
"Sara, you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders by yourself!. Catherine and I have already noticed the way it's had an emotional effect on you" Grissom commented.  
  
"What's she said?" Sara asked worried.  
  
"Just that you don't worry about your own pains because you're so concerned about your mom's. You need to worry about yourself, Sara. You're looking after your mom but who's there to look after you?" Grissom commented.  
  
Grissom paused.  
  
"Has he been hitting her for long?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Only 33 years" Sara replied sarcastically.  
  
Grissom sighed.  
  
"I didn't really used to mind. No I did mind. I mean - I didn't used to get angry!. I just used to get worried. I loved my dad to death and I suppose I just assumed there must be a really good reason or something. Or it wasn't as dangerous as it seemed. Even when my mom went into hospital I never used to think my dad could intentionally do that. Even when I suspected he was in the wrong then I was too scared to do or say anything. Nobody else seemed to be doing anything - so I figured it must be alright or normal. What I didn't know was his parents had disowned him, my mom's parents were deeply worried and so was camp cuckoo. Then when I was a teenager my dad just suddenly turned on me one day for no reason. He attacked me big style. And that's when I began to hate him and I've never turned back. It sounds terrible doesn't it? - I didn't do anything for my mom until he hurt me. But it wasn't like that!. I did nothing to provoke him and yet he really hurt me for no reason. The look in his eyes and his lack of motive made me realise just how evil he is. He didn't give two stuffs about me and he doesn't about mom. The only thing he cares about is how to get his kicks. If he does love me or mom then it's not as much as he loves his kicks" Sara explained.  
  
Grissom put a hand on her back to comfort her.  
  
"That's terrible" Grissom commented with care.  
  
Grissom paused. There was something he was confused about and he needed to ask her.  
  
"I don't understand. I thought hippies were meant to be passive, non violent and really caring" Grissom commented.  
  
Sara laughed.  
  
"You didn't meet many hippies did you?. Everyone thinks their all lovey dovey people but in reality - well, their not necessarily. I mean most weren't violent to women. But there were a lot of bad tempered pains in the ass. They were intolerant of anyone who didn't agree with them. Probably the drugs made them so moody. It upset me sometimes though. Don't get me wrong - I had some really happy times even before camp cuckoo but some of the people were a downside. My mom was never like that though - she was a lovely person and still is. She didn't like it the attitude some of them had. Some of them weren't nice people. She was glad she got me away from them. Don't ask why she fell for my dad if she didn't like bad tempered people. I don't know. I suppose it wasn't horrid at first and by then it was too late. I'm also pretty sure that she thinks either he has a mental illness caused by the drugs screwing up his brain or she thinks he'll snap out of it one day - she really does!. Anyway, the hippies. Well, there were certain hippy principles she begun to disagree with and the intolerance was one of them. But she tolerated it until she got Camp cuckoo. When my parents moved to camp cuckoo they only invited certain people to live with them. My dad made her invite his best friend. 'Made' being the operative word!. But my dad and his best friend were the only two bad apples left. It sounds terrible but luckily his best friend died from a drug overdose when I was ten. Of course, a lot of people have questioned whether my dad really was a hippy. It is quite hypocritical that my dad rallied against the war and nuclear weapons but at home he was using violence himself to get his own way. Maybe the rallies were because of a selfish fear that he might die. Maybe it was a good way to avoid being called a coward" Sara explained.  
  
Sara sighed. Grissom put his hand on her's and she continued.  
  
"There is this theory that some men only joined the non conformist movement to get easy nookie!. Plus it's an excuse to experiment with drugs. And who's gonna not agree with not wanting to get a job?. Maybe he just sat there and nodded when he disagreed with what some hippies were saying. On the other hand, he was always a rebel and non conformist at heart. He wanted to rebel against his parents. I mean he didn't just stumble upon the hippy movement!. He was never the type to get a job. His parents forced him to go to medical school. The truth is I don't know, my mom doesn't know and no one knows what goes on in my dad's head. No on knows why he does the stuff he does. He's a mystery. We can only merely guess. Maybe he's a big non conformist hypocrite!. I don't know. All I know is that if either of my parents were going off the camp cuckoo lifestyle then they probably haven't changed their life for two reasons. Firstly, most people here depend on them and so they couldn't sell camp cuckoo - and they fear they'd not get anymore money from their parents - plus they can't imagine getting a proper job. Secondly, they can't be bothered to get off their lazy asses and do something if they don't like their lives. I don't know if their still in for all this. My mom seems to be. I just don't know about my dad. The irony is that he used to be the one who forced her to do some 'hippy' things she didn't want to. He forced her to take hallucinogenic drugs because he preferred her high and because he didn't want his friends to laugh at his girlfriend. Then finally my mom realised the neglect she caused me when she was high and so she stopped hallucinogens. He was not happy. He beat the shit out of her. But she wouldn't budge in her decision. That's how much she loves me" Sara explained.  
  
Sara looked him straight in the face and said,  
  
"Are you going to sack me?" Sara asked.  
  
"What?. What for?" Grissom asked astounded.  
  
"I get too personal on cases. It might detriment my work because it gets too personal. If you chase two rabbits and you lose them both, remember?" Sara replied.  
  
"Sara, you're a brilliant CSI. I would never dream of sacking you. I don't think I'm even allowed to on those grounds. Anyway, if it wasn't for the way you give me a good kick up the ass to find evidence to nail abuse cases then I may have given up on them. Everyone gets personal abut something. Worst case scenario I might reconsider assigning you to abuse cases - I don't know!" Grissom replied.  
  
"I don't even know why I get upset. With the Kaye Shelton case - yes, I was reminded about my own mother's mortality - but I was never worried my dad wouldn't go to jail. I would make sure that case was proven and if I couldn't then I still knew enough stuff to get him put away in jail for a long time. But I was so worried for women who don't have that advantage. I suppose I know what it's like to be in that situation" Sara explained.  
  
Grissom put an arm round Sara and pulled her into him. She burst into tears.  
  
"Oh Grissom!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
There was silence as Sara sat there sobbing into him and the anger in him grew up.  
  
"That pig!" Grissom exclaimed livid.  
  
"I'd give anything to be your father. You're the perfect daughter. He's so lucky and he just doesn't realise it!" Grissom declared.  
  
"Daughter. Great!. Just what I wanted" Sara replied.  
  
"Sorry" Grissom responded.  
  
"No, don't worry. Do you mind if I ask if I would been in with a chance if you hadn't of fallen in love with my mom?" Sara asked.  
  
"You know about that" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"You're not denying it!. Grissom everyone knows!. It's pretty obvious with that expression slapped across your face every time you see her. The way you go all gooey and turn to jello. Even my dad knows. He doesn't really care though. He knows there's nothing she can do about it even if she wanted to. I don't know - he might use it as an excuse to hit her once we're gone - but I wouldn't worry too much about it, because if it wasn't this excuse then he'd just make up some other excuse" Sara explained.  
  
Grissom paused.  
  
"Did you notice how gooey I went when I met you?" Grissom asked coyly.  
  
Sara looked at him.  
  
"I suspected you fancied me but obviously I was wrong" Sara replied.  
  
"Sara, I didn't come up to you after the seminar because you impressed me with knowing most of the answers. It was just an excuse. I would never have pursued a friendship with you if I had just loved your brain. I know millions of geniuses, Sara - I didn't need to know anymore. You're so beautiful - and the intelligence was an added bonus" Grissom explained.  
  
"So what's the problem?" Sara asked.  
  
"You know part of the problem, Sara. We work together" Grissom explained.  
  
"We didn't when we first met" Sara added.  
  
"I was too shy to ask you out, at first. Then when you came to work with me this niggling little feeling started growing inside me. This niggling little feeling that it wasn't right and that you were too young" Grissom told her.  
  
"Don't give me that rubbish, Grissom!. I know you dated women as young as me" Sara said.  
  
Grissom laughed at himself.  
  
"You don't get it" he exclaimed.  
  
Sara was confused.  
  
"I did get involved with women of your age. They might not have been a good idea. It might have even been a mid life crisis. But even compared to those women you always seemed different. I think it's because we've always had this teacher pupil relationship. You feel so young compared to them. It feels so wrong feeling the way I do about you" Grissom explained.  
  
Grissom paused.  
  
"Can I ask you something?. It's just something your mom said once. Do you see me as a father figure?" Grissom said.  
  
"What?. Oh what she been saying?. Maybe!. Maybe yeah!. But that's nothing - I just ignore it" Sara replied.  
  
"Like your dad's violence is nothing?. Catherine's right - you're in denial - but it doesn't go away does it?" Grissom said.  
  
"You say I'm a daughter figure to you and yet you also say you fancy me" Sara argued.  
  
"I'm doing really well at not being romantically attracted you" Grissom said.  
  
"Gee, thanks!. I'm glad it's so easy!" Sara replied.  
  
"It's not easy!. Sara, I have to!. We work together!. I just think to myself - there's plenty more fish in the sea. Sorry" Grissom said.  
  
"Don't be. I think the same. I haven't put my life on hold just because of you. You were just a good option" Sara replied defensively.  
  
"Every parent thinks their daughter is beautiful. So I'm still allowed to think your beautiful - because I can't deny that to myself" Grissom explained.  
  
"That kind of makes sense" Sara replied confused.  
  
Sara paused.  
  
"I'll respect that", Sara added, "I'm not in love with you, you know!. I admit I liked you a lot but it never turned into love. How could it when I hardly know who 'the real Grissom' is. Anyway, we're not destined to be together if you don't feel the same way back. For a start, you prefer my mom" Sara added.  
  
"She's more suitable" Grissom explained.  
  
"She's already married!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"I mean age wise. Maybe it was never a good idea to go after women so much younger than me anyway. But as you said nothing could happen me and your mother. I just wish it would" Grissom explained.  
  
"You haven't asked me if she feels the same" Sara commented.  
  
"She does you know" Sara added.  
  
Grissom looked surprised.  
  
"I know these things" Sara added.  
  
"What would she see in me?. She's not a scientist, Sara. I'd bore her!" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"She told me she does like you. She likes you a lot. She might even love you" Sara confessed.  
  
"Well then she doesn't realise how boring I am!. I'm better alone Sara - trust me" Grissom asked.  
  
"My mother loves science!. Trust me she likes you" Sara explained.  
  
"Why would she?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Why don't you ask her yourself?. She wouldn't be surprised if you did. She's quite unconventional" Sara added.  
  
"I'd bore her!" Grissom insisted angrily.  
  
"No you wouldn't!" Sara insisted.  
  
Grissom's tone became more serious,  
  
"Sara. There's something I need to tell you. I'm sorry I invaded your privacy - but this might make up for it. That's not why I'm telling you though. I feel guilty for digging but that's not why I'm telling you this. I'm telling you because I want to. Not many people know this but-" Grissom had stopped mid sentence.  
  
Sara was intrigued.  
  
"Go on" Sara said.  
  
"I used to have a daughter, Sara. And I used to have a wife"  
  
Sara was quite taken aback.  
  
"Oh. Is your daughter dead or lost?. Do you mind if I ask?" Sara responded.  
  
Grissom begun to cry. Sara didn't think she'd ever seen Grissom cry before.  
  
"She died. She was murdered. My wife, Laura, died too" Grissom sobbed.  
  
"Oh Grissom. I'm so sorry!" Sara exclaimed, as she put a comforting hand on his leg.  
  
Grissom sighed and begun his own narrative.  
  
"Even as a child, I was pretty happy being alone. But I was never as withdrawn as you know me to be. My hearing didn't help. The more I lost my hearing the more I became withdrawn. But even before my hearing problems - well after their deaths - I didn't let people in so much" Grissom explained.  
  
"How did they die?" Sara asked.  
  
"I didn't love Laura. I liked her but we hadn't know each other long enough to know if we loved each other. She got pregnant and her parents were Catholic and insisted we marry. It seemed the right thing to do at the time - so I did. But after she had our daughter, Emily, she became really crabby. She was unhappy all the time. She had postnatal depression but she never snapped out of it after a couple of years. She began to hate me. I always suspected that she did but I thought it was just seemed that way because she was under stress. She always complained that I was boring. She always complained that I always worked and didn't care about her or Emily. But that wasn't true!. I loved Emily so much!. She was my life. Whenever I was down she lifted me up. She seemed like that most beautiful thing in the world. She seemed perfect. I was so happy because I had her that it didn't seem to get me down that my wife and I weren't getting along. I didn't love Laura but I just wanted to keep our family together. I knew if I left her then I'd only get to see Emily at weekends, if I was lucky!. Then one day" Grissom narrated.  
  
Grissom burst into tears. Sara has a terrible feeling she knew where this story was heading.  
  
"Then one day when Emily was three years old. I walked in to find them both dead!. My wife had killed my daughter and then she killed herself" Grissom sobbed.  
  
Grissom couldn't continue. He just burst into even more tears. Sara opened her arms and Grissom fell into them sobbing.  
  
"Oh Grissom!. You poor thing!. That's terrible!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Sara paused  
  
"It's not your fault!. It's not!. You can't blame yourself!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"But it was!. In her note, she said I was boring!. She said I bored her to death. She said she hated me. She said that she'd prefer Emily to be dead than have to live in company or be neglected by me!. She said I'd neglect her because I'd always work. She said that even if she didn't die from neglect then she'd grow up to have emotional problems because her dad never loved her. But that's not true! - I did love her! - I did! - I loved her so much!" Grissom sobbed.  
  
"I believe you!. I believe you!" Sara comforted him.  
  
"She said that Emily would grow up and have emotional problems and probably kill herself anyway. So she killed her, Sara! - She killed her!" Grissom sobbed.  
  
Grissom paused.  
  
"I just didn't want to put anyone else through that boredom. I didn't want to put you through what my wife went through. I'm better off alone then I won't hurt people" Grissom sobbed.  
  
"You're not boring, Grissom!. Your not!. I would never be bored by you!" Sara exclaimed reassuringly.  
  
"I did try dating people after a few years. But I never dare ask pretty women out!. I asked desperate people - and of course that never worked out. Then by the time I'd scraped up enough confidence to ask pretty people it was too late for us. I realised you'd always be my pupil in my eyes and that it was inappropriate. Even the women I did pursue - I think deep down I never let it develop into a proper relationship. And look at me now! - I'm in love with a married woman - that's probably a subliminal way to avoid a relationship too" Grissom commented.  
  
"So you really love her?" Sara asked.  
  
"I've never felt this way about anyone ever, Sara!. If I didn't feel so strongly then I'd just ignore it - but I can't!. I think your mother is the most perfect woman in the world!"  
  
"Wow!" Sara was impressed and taken aback.  
  
Sara laughed.  
  
"Maybe its fate or something" Sara laughed.  
  
"What is?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Well if you're meant to be with my mother. Then I've always meant to be a daughter figure to you. Like someone or the universe put us all together" Sara explained.  
  
"Except me and your mother aren't meant to be" Grissom commented.  
  
"She can't leave my dad, Grissom" Sara insisted sadly.  
  
"I'll help her!. I'll protect her!. Both of you!" Grissom insisted.  
  
"Grissom it isn't just danger wise. There are other complications. Anyway, I think she might still love him" Sara explained.  
  
"How can she?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I don't know" Sara explained.  
  
Grissom looked disappointed and just bowed his head in thought. After a few minutes of silence Grissom said,  
  
"Emily would have been about Laney's age now. Emily's a year younger actually. And Emily, she had beautiful brown hair just like you" Grissom reminisced.  
  
"Is that why your so fond of Laney and I? Because we remind you of your daughter" Sara asked sensitively.  
  
"I'm fond of you both on your own merits too. You're both amazing. I would never have struck up such a friendship with Laney had she not be so persuasive and persistent. And as for you - you're so determined! So clever! So caring!. I think you're great" Grissom explained.  
  
Grissom gave a small laugh and said,  
  
"When she was alive I remember always wishing Emily would grow up to be science whiz!. You and Laney are aren't you?" Grissom added.  
  
Sara didn't know what to say. She didn't know if she felt comfortable with Grissom thinking of her as a daughter figure. Deep down she still wanted him to fancy her. She'd prefer that to being his daughter figure!.  
  
"I would give anything to have a daughter!. Especially you!. And I'd give anything to have Libby!. Your father has both!. He's so lucky and yet he doesn't appreciate either of you!. It breaks my heart how he hardly loves either of you. I wish so badly you were both mine. I'd treated you both properly!. I'd treat you both like the princesses you are!" Grissom commented.  
  
Some tears fell down Grissom's face again. Sara therefore put a hand on Grissom's hand.  
  
"You're the number one person I'd want my mom to be with. And if I had to lose out to anyone then my mom is the number one person I'd wish to lose out to. I wish you could both be together but it's just too complicated. She can't leave him. I'm sorry" Sara commented.  
  
They sat in silence for a while contemplating again. Grissom begun to calmed down. Eventually he spoke again,  
  
"There's something I have to confess to you. I told you a white lie. Remember I told you my friend committed suicide? - That was the lie - it was my wife. You see when Laura's parents made us get married they also made us go to church every Sunday. I didn't resist because I wanted to give Catholicism another go. But when Laura killed herself and Emily. Well I was struggling with my faith enough at that point without interfering hypocrites" Grissom explained.  
  
Sara put her hand on Grissom's again.  
  
"Father Linley said it's different now, remember. St Catherine's doesn't sound like that, at least. But it's up to you. It's rather hypocritical of me to say all this actually - you see I've been thinking and I don't think I will be going regularly after all. I'm just too scared. Taking on a religion is a big life change!. I just too scared to take that step. I still talk to Father Linley though. He's really nice. And I still pray and stuff. I just - you know - I'm just too scared" Sara replied.  
  
"I know" Grissom smiled reassuringly and took her hand.  
  
They sat in silence for a while.  
  
Suddenly they noticed Libby and Boby heading back from their way. Boby and Libby looked so in love. Grissom didn't know what to think about those two anymore!. Was it an act?. Libby waved and then stopped because she realised something was wrong. She came rushing over and Boby followed slowly behind daydreaming.  
  
"Are you alright?. You don't look well - are you ill, darling?. You've been crying!. Mr Grissom so have you!. Baby, what's wrong?. What can I do to make you better?" Libby exclaimed frantically concerned and holding Sara's face in her hands.  
  
"Nothing. We're fine. Please go inside and we'll be in in a minute" Sara replied perking up.  
  
"O.k" Libby reluctantly agreed and then declared "Boby, come on".  
  
Boby snapped out of his daydream and followed.  
  
"We better go in" Sara told Grissom.  
  
"You gonna be o.k.?" Sara asked.  
  
Grissom nodded.  
  
"Grissom, thank you for telling me all that stuff!. It really means a lot. I realise how lucky I am for you to tell me all that. And if you ever need to talk - I'm here. But look Grissom! - You need trust people again!. Everyone loves you and they find you fascinating!. If you're dating a woman and she doesn't feel a connection then I'm sure she'll tell you in future - you don't need to worry. Give relationships a second try. Please!. And thank you for listening to me and for being so supportive. It actually really helps to be able to talk about it to you. And one last thing" Sara told him.  
  
She opened up her arms to signify she wanted to hug him. He smiled and they had one last hug before going inside. 


	28. Pig

Grissom couldn't sit round watching Libby and Boby pretending to be a happy couple. Catherine and Sara were having a private chat, so Grissom was stuck with the smack bang in this hell. Grissom needed to get out that house before he did something stupid. He needed some fresh air to clear his head so he decided to go for a walk.  
  
Ten minutes into his walk he came to a small lake and decided to stop. It seemed the perfect place to clear his head. He sat down and thoughts things over. He worried about Sara, he worried about Libby and he also worried about his attraction to Libby. He had been gone nearly an hour when he heard a voice behind him,  
  
"Penny?" the voice asked.  
  
Grissom turned to find Libby behind him.  
  
"Pardon?" Grissom laughed, almost flirting.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts?" Libby reiterated.  
  
Grissom became sad. He paused and sighed.  
  
"You don't want to know, Libby" Grissom replied sadly.  
  
Libby came over and sat by Grissom on the grass. She paused and then said,  
  
"Sara told me you know, Gil" Libby told him.  
  
Grissom was surprised. He turned and showed Libby this.  
  
"She did?. I thought - I just thought she wouldn't" Grissom commented surprised.  
  
"Sara tells me everything. Eventually at least. And if she doesn't tell me then I can tell anyhow nowadays" Libby commented.  
  
"She's very worried about you, you know" Grissom informed her.  
  
"It doesn't sound like she's the only one" Libby commented.  
  
Grissom looked down ashamed. It felt ashamed about his attraction to her.  
  
"Don't worry. It's nothing. You can worry about Sara if you want but don't worry about me. I'm fine" Libby assured him.  
  
"It's not nothing, Libby!. What if you turned up dead one day?" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"I won't" Libby blew it off flippantly.  
  
Libby paused.  
  
"And if I do - So what?" she commented.  
  
"So what?!?!" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"We all die eventually - there's no point running from it" Libby commented.  
  
"There's no point running into it!" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"Maybe there is" Libby proposed.  
  
Grissom was gob smacked.  
  
"What?!?!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Well some people want to be dead sooner rather than later, don't they?" Libby said.  
  
"Are you one of them?" Grissom asked worried.  
  
"Maybe. I don't know" Libby replied.  
  
Grissom paused and thought.  
  
"Sara needs you" Grissom insisted.  
  
Libby sighed.  
  
"Maybe she needs exact the opposite. I'm just an inconvenience in her life" Libby suggested.  
  
"If you died voluntarily, or at his hands, her pre-occupation in your life would become ten times worse" Grissom replied.  
  
"I'd never want to hurt her" Libby responded.  
  
There was a pause of silence.  
  
"What are you unhappy about?" Grissom asked.  
  
Libby gave him a look like "What do you think!".  
  
"Ummm, let's see - my marriage?" Libby replied sarcastic.  
  
"I thought you said that was nothing to worry about - that your fine. Suicidal doesn't sound fine" Grissom commented, almost sarcastically.  
  
"I never said I was suicidal. Just maybe don't mind dying. Only maybe though" Libby responded.  
  
Grissom went solemn.  
  
"Do you love him?" Grissom asked.  
  
Libby shrugged.  
  
"I don't know. I think so" Libby replied.  
  
"You think so!" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"You don't really want to know if I love him, Gil. The real question you want to ask is do I love you?. And well the answer is - I don't know"  
  
"Oh great, so I'm just as high in the stakes as Boby!. Great that means a lot!. So you could be in love with two people. You could be in love with one or you could be in love with none!. And I rank as high as a heartless pig like Boby - in the don't know section" Grissom responded angrily.  
  
"If you let me finish!. I don't you enough to love you. But I like you a lot and I think if I got to know you properly then it would more than likely turn into love. And as for Boby well he's the father of my child pig or not" Libby commented.  
  
"Well, I don't know you well enough to love you either" Grissom defended himself.  
  
"Oh Grissom, you poor thing. If you really knew me you probably wouldn't love me. You probably wouldn't even like me. Some people think I'm a terrible person" Libby commented.  
  
"I find that hard to believe" Grissom replied.  
  
"I love, Sara. I promise you" Libby insisted.  
  
"I know" Grissom asked.  
  
"Everything I do I do for it, Sara, I don't do it for myself!. Remember that" Libby insisted.  
  
"Is this about staying with Boby?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Kind of" Libby replied.  
  
Grissom put his hand on hers.  
  
"It's alright to be scared, Libby" Grissom reassured her.  
  
"Not when my daughter's in danger it's not" Libby responded.  
  
"But she's not really. He hardly hits her, right?. She's not in too much danger" Grissom reiterated.  
  
"No she's not. I promise you, Grissom. Remember that when you hate me" Libby insisted.  
  
Grissom was confused but decided to drop it.  
  
There was silence as they both thought to themselves.  
  
"You're a kind man, Gil. That's one of the reasons I like you" Libby told him.  
  
"That's so sad, Libby - You only think that because I don't go around beating up women. That doesn't make me kind - that just make me normal" Grissom responded.  
  
"No!. I think you personally are sweet and kind" Libby responded.  
  
"I can be rude" Grissom suggested.  
  
"It's not your fault. You lack social skills, that's all. I don't blame you for that. Your lack of human relationships can be a good thing. It means you haven't been too corrupted by human nature" Libby commented.  
  
"What?" Grissom asked intrigued.  
  
"Don't get me wrong, human relationships are great and you need them. But they can cause pain and that can lead to resentment" Libby explained.  
  
"I've had pain and resentment" Grissom added.  
  
"But not enough to corrupt you. Just enough for you to not trust people" Libby commented.  
  
"You're clever" Grissom commented.  
  
"So are you. So what?" Libby replied with a smirk.  
  
Libby paused and then suddenly kissed Grissom on the lips. Grissom was shocked. Libby was nervous about his reaction.  
  
"How do you feel?" Libby asked nervously.  
  
"Ummm. Awkward" Grissom replied.  
  
Libby laughed meekly.  
  
"You can't do that again, Libby. We can't do anything. It doesn't matter if you feel anything too. We can't. What if your husband sees us or finds out?" Grissom instructed her.  
  
"So what?" Libby laughed.  
  
"You might not mind if you turn up dead at the bottom of a lake. But Sara and I will mind" Grissom replied.  
  
"He won't kill me!. He doesn't care that much. He doesn't care at all really because he knows I can't leave him. At most, he'll use this as an excuse for an argument and pretend he cares" Libby replied.  
  
"You can leave him, Libby!. I'll help you" Grissom insisted.  
  
Libby laughed. Grissom was shocked at how unseriously Libby was taking her situation.  
  
"Oh yeah?. What we gonna run off into the sunset and live happily ever after, Grissom?. Gil, If I left out the blue then I couldn't live with either you or Sara unless we moved - and I can't ask you to leave your job" Libby reminded him.  
  
"I'm not presuming you'd want to run off into the sunset with me, Libby!. I just want to help as a friend" Grissom responded.  
  
"And I couldn't have contact with either of you. Even after all those precautions he'll still probably find me. The police will probably help him if says his wife's missing" Libby explained.  
  
"I have police connections!. They'll keep you safe and they'll make sure he doesn't find you!" Grissom insisted.  
  
Libby put a finger on his mouth to shut him up and shook her head,  
  
"Ssshh. No Grissom. It can't be" Libby told him.  
  
Grissom went solemnly silent again.  
  
"I'm sure there's got to be a way, Libby" Grissom said.  
  
"Look, your getting all worried again!. I told you don't worry about me. I'm fine" Libby reassured him.  
  
"No, your not" Grissom muttered.  
  
There was silence. Then Libby broke it by saying,  
  
"It's not just his threats that are stopping me leaving, Grissom. That's not even the main reason. It's complicated. But it's best the way it is" Libby gestured.  
  
"What reasons?" Grissom asked.  
  
Libby paused.  
  
"Sara for one. She won't let me leave him. She doesn't want to lose him" Libby commented  
  
"No!. She hates him!" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"But she also loves him" Libby commented casually.  
  
"What?!?. But they don't even have a father and daughter relationship!. Are you serious?. She really doesn't want to lose him?" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
"Really!. Don't ask me why. I don't understand it after all that's happened between the two of them. But he's her only father and she doesn't want to lose him. Well, at least it used to be that. I don't know - maybe that's less of a reason since time's gone on. But it's still part of it" Libby explained.  
  
"What rest of the reason?" Grissom asked.  
  
Libby paused and sighed.  
  
"There's only one way I could safely leave Boby. But, Sara isn't ready for that and may never be. I'm staying for Sara's sake - not mine. I could never do that to her" Libby explained.  
  
Grissom was gob smacked. This was all because of Sara!. Sara who hates her father!. Grissom couldn't believe after Sara's attitude that Sara loved her father.  
  
'Wait a moment', Grissom thought to himself, 'I'm just taking Libby's word for it. Maybe Libby's lying. But then again - it's unlikely'.  
  
They sat in silence for a while contemplating.  
  
"Do you wish you were with me?" Grissom asked out the blue.  
  
Libby looked shocked.  
  
"You're very open for someone who's meant to be socially inept and secretive of his feelings!" Libby commented.  
  
"You're very open about your feelings for someone who's married and in danger of being beaten to a pulp if their husband finds out. Answer me, do you wish you were with me instead of him?" Grissom asked not as roughly as it sounds.  
  
"I don't know" Libby answered as if she had given it some thought.  
  
"How can you consider preferring him?. You love him don't you?. How can you possibly love him?" Grissom asked.  
  
"He's Sara's father - you'll never be that even if you tried. She looks like him and we share a past together. We share Sara!. Plus he can have a really great personality sometimes. He can be really funny. Oh I don't know! - I just love him, o.k.?. But that doesn't mean I can't love you too. You can love two people at once. But obviously there are things about Boby I don't like. I don't want to be in pain do I?. But I don't think it's his fault" Libby replied.  
  
"What?!?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I think there might be something wrong in the head department"  
  
"You don't say!" Grissom replied sarcastically.  
  
"Grissom, I'm being serious. I think he maybe drugs have screwed up his head or something" Libby responded.  
  
Grissom was gob smacked!. He couldn't believe Libby's gullibility. She could tell he was gob smacked. But she just thought to herself that she knew better.  
  
They sat in silence again. Not sure what to say further to each other in this difficult situation.  
  
"So we can't do anything. You're staying with him" Grissom commented disappointed.  
  
"What do you wanna do?" Libby smirked.  
  
They looked at each other. Libby put her hand on Grissom's face and then went in to kiss him. He co-operated and they had a long sensual kiss. After a while, Libby began to pull his clothes. He stopped her.  
  
"You alright?" Libby asked.  
  
"I won't be used, Libby. I don't do one night stands" Grissom insisted.  
  
"Is it is night?" Libby smirked.  
  
"I don't do meaningless sex then" Grissom replied.  
  
"This isn't meaningless Grissom. I haven't cheated on my husband in over 20 years. Now I'll ask you one last time - are you alright with this?" Libby asked.  
  
Grissom thought to himself for a second and then nodded and they carried on.  
  
Back at the Sidle's house, Boby sat in the kitchen all alone. He was bored stiff. After a while, Sara came in to make some coffee. He thought it would be fun to rattle her cage to amuse himself.  
  
"You gonna make me one, sweetie?" Boby smirked to annoyed her.  
  
Sara paused as rage swelled up within her.  
  
"Only if it has arsenic in it" Sara snapped sarcastically.  
  
"Was that an attempt at a joke?. That was rubbish!" Boby said spitefully.  
  
"I'm glad I still disappoint you father" Sara replied sarcastically.  
  
"You don't disappoint me, darling. I never expected you to be much" Boby commented flippantly.  
  
Sara stormed off.  
  
"Oh come! You walked right into that one! I was joking!" Boby called out laughing spitefully.  
  
Boby sat alone again for a few seconds and got bored again.  
  
"Oigh!" he called out.  
  
Sara came in.  
  
"My name is not oigh - it is Sara" Sara snapped.  
  
"Where's your mom?" Boby asked.  
  
Sara went quiet and looked guilty.  
  
"I don't know" she lied.  
  
"Sara, you can't lie to me. I see straight through you" Boby commented angrily.  
  
Sara still said nothing. So Boby got up, and before Sara could realise, he grabbed her arm and held it behind her back forcefully so she was in pain.  
  
"Where is she?" he asked demanded.  
  
Before Boby could realise Sara had use her weapon less self defence training to get him off her. He ended up in more pain than her. Sara was about to leave after that but then he gently touched her arm and said,  
  
"Wait, Sara!. Where is she?. Is she with lover boy?. I don't care if she is. I just want to know. I miss her. I just want to see her. I wondered if she was available to be seen" Boby told her.  
  
"I don't know where she is" Sara lied again angrily.  
  
Sara got her coat from the coat rack nearby and stormed out the door for a walk.  
  
Boby sighed. What was he going to do now to entertain himself? He wondered. After a little while of boredom, Catherine suddenly came in from her second trip to camp cuckoo of the day. Boby was delighted with the company.  
  
"Hi!. Hey, you look tired. Want some herbal tea? - it will revitalize you" Boby asked.  
  
"Actually I promised Grissom I'd look over his lecture before tomorrow. I've got to do that" Catherine lied.  
  
Boby gave a small laugh. He got the impression Sara had told Catherine bad things about him.  
  
"Why don't you go do your work and I'll bring it to you" Boby said pleasantly.  
  
Catherine didn't like Sara's dad. But she didn't want to annoy him by offending him. What harm could it do?. So she accepted and went to her room.  
  
Boby started concocting the drink. First, he boiled the water. Then he put the camomile tea bag in. Then he put a capful and a quarter of liquid GHB. And then he took it to Ms Willows. Ms Willows drank it. Ms Willows began to feel woozy. Ms Willows realised what had happened, and before Ms Willows could do anything about it Boby was on top of her and she was physically unable to stop him.  
  
Ten minutes into her walk Sara had become bored. She knew Grissom probably wouldn't be back but she thought Catherine might be. So Sara decided to go keep Catherine company. So she made her way back to the B & B.  
  
As Sara approached Catherine's room she noticed the door ajar. She pushed it open ad to her horror she found her dad on top of Catherine and he was about to rape her. 


	29. Consquences

Sara had to act quickly. Her dad hadn't noticed her enter and so she could knock him out without him realising beforehand. She looked around quickly and noticed an unused lamp on a table nearby. She quietly grabbed it, sneaked up behind Boby and whacked him over the head. Boby went out cold. Catherine was so relieved but still tramuatised. Sara checked on how Catherine was. She noticed Catherine was only semi conscious. Sara walked over to her and opened her arms to hug Catherine. Catherine was grateful for the hug and cried into Sara's shoulder.  
  
"Oh Sara!" Catherine sobbed.  
  
Sara begun to lightly cry too.  
  
"I'm sorry!. I'm so sorry!. I never thought he'd do this!. I should never have let you come. I never thought he'd swoop this low!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Sara looked around.  
  
"Catherine, we've got to go before he wakes up" Sara instructed her.  
  
Sara looked around deciding what to do. She decided to take his set of keys so he had none and she had some on her. Then Sara helped Catherine to get up and walked her outside. Once outside the room Sara put Catherine down and locked Boby in. Then Sara picked her cell phone and started to dial Grissom's number.  
  
Grissom and Libby were fully dressed by the time Sara called Grissom. They were laying on the grass bank watching the sky together. Grissom looked at his phone.  
  
"It's Sara" he commented.  
  
He picked up the phone.  
  
"Grissom, quick you've got to come back. We've got to pack. We've got to leave. My dad tried to rape Catherine!. We've got to go!" Sara exasperated.  
  
When Libby and Grissom returned they found Sara packing her stuff.  
  
"Sara, I'm so sorry!" Libby exclaimed.  
  
"It's not your fault" Sara replied.  
  
"You're going?" Libby asked  
  
"Well Catherine's not exactly going to want to stick around here is she?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"How is Catherine?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Shaken. Luckily he didn't get very far. I stopped him before he could do anything" Sara replied.  
  
"Thank goodness" Libby replied.  
  
"Pig!" Grissom shouted and slammed his hand on counter  
  
"What about the conference you were meant to go to on tomorrow and tuesday. That's the whole reason you're here!. You can't miss that!. What about the seminar Grissom's meant to give?" Libby pleaded.  
  
"I'll just have to tell them an emergency came up" Grissom replied in disbelief.  
  
"Mom we've got to go!. Don't you understand?" Sara exclaimed annoyed.  
  
"Of course I do. I just wish you didn't have to" Libby replied.  
  
Grissom had been gob smacked for most of their conversation and interrupted finally saying,  
  
"Neither of you seem very surprised!. Has this happened before?" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara and Libby looked at each other worried.  
  
"Occasionally yeah" Libby replied.  
  
Grissom was gob smacked.  
  
"Remind me why you love him?" Grissom asked Libby.  
  
"Leave it, Grissom" Libby replied.  
  
"Why would he do this?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Fun maybe?. Revenge to me maybe?. I don't know what goes on in his sick brain. He just rapes people sometimes as a hobby. For fun!. But I never thought he'd do it to my friend!" Sara broke down crying mid sentence.  
  
Libby and Grissom went over. They put their hand on her back to comfort her.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Sara" Libby reiterated.  
  
"I'm going to go comfort, Catherine. Will you be o.k. comforting her?" Grissom said sensitively.  
  
Once Grissom had left, Libby turned to Sara after a while.  
  
"Are we going to the police?" Libby asked.  
  
"No" Sara replied stubbornly.  
  
"If Catherine wants to go she can but we're not" Sara added.  
  
Soon Alaney arrived and started packing her stuff. Grissom was busy packing and comforted Catherine at the same time. Sara was busy wondering how they were going to get Catherine's things. Should they leave them?. Sara had an idea. Libby and Grissom weren't pleased. Sara got her gun and went into Catherine's room. She held her now conscious father at gunpoint and made him go in the room next door. Then she locked that room and packed up Catherine's stuff.  
  
Catherine gradually gained more consciousness and decided to thank Grissom and find Sara. A worried Grissom followed as Catherine was still disorientated and traumatised. Catherine found Sara in Catherine's room. Catherine came over and put a hand on Sara's shoulder. Sara turned.  
  
"Do you want me to report him, Sara?. I'll get rid of him for you and your mom" Catherine asked.  
  
"Of course, you're going to report him Catherine!. Sara do a SART exam. I'll go out" Grissom responded.  
  
Sara looked at her with unintentional puppy dog eyes.  
  
"Do you want to?" Sara replied.  
  
"Only if you want me to" Catherine replied.  
  
"But do you want to?" Sara asked.  
  
Catherine began to cry.  
  
"No" Catherine muttered, "I'm too ashamed. I don't want anyone to know!" Catherine replied.  
  
Sara began to cry too.  
  
"I don't either!" Sara admitted  
  
They hugged. Grissom was gobsmacked.  
  
"What?!?. But you have to!. You're not going to let him get away with this!. You can't!" Grissom insisted.  
  
Grissom stormed out gob smacked.  
  
"I'm sorry, Catherine. But he's my father!. I just don't want to lose him!" Sara sobbed to Catherine.  
  
"I don't want anyone to know either!" Catherine insisted.  
  
Sara paused and sighed.  
  
"Can we do a SART just in case?" Sara asked.  
  
"Of course" Catherine replied.  
  
"I'll go get the kit" Sara informed them and left.  
  
Fifteen minutes later Catherine went out to find Grissom.  
  
"Your just doing this for Sara, Catherine!" Grissom accused her.  
  
"Yeah partly. But you don't understand the embarrassment, Grissom. It's for both of us, Mainly Sara though. She need someone to look after her" Catherine replied.  
  
"Catherine!. You sound like Sara but worse!. The other day you were moaning that she ignores her own problems because she's so worried about her mom. But now you're doing the same because you're so worried about Sara. Your living for another person just like Sara!. Your situation's worse than Sara's - do you understand that?" Grissom reasoned.  
  
"I don't care, Grissom. I don't care. It's not even just for Sara - I don't want people to know. I certainly don't want to drag this through court. But if Sara had needed me to then I would. But I'm glad she doesn't want me to" Catherine explained.  
  
Once everything was packed in the car, they prepared to leave. Sara and Alaney hugged Libby goodbye. Libby was sad to see them go. Then Libby hugged Grissom and gave him a kiss on the cheek. It was too awkward for Libby and Catherine to say goodbye. As Grissom and Sara got in the car to go Libby said,  
  
"Look after her, o.k.?" Libby told them concerning Catherine.  
  
Sara got into the driver's seat and turned the key. She wasn't sure if she was in a state to drive but Grissom was just as unlikely to be. She decided to give it a shot. She drove fine considering.  
  
As Sara drove up to the part where the road to camp cuckoo joined the B&B road then Sara noticed a teenage boy lying on the side of the road. There were two female teenagers over his body crying. Sara stopped. As she approached she noticed who the three were. She got out the car followed by Alaney. Alaney was really upset. She knew the boy quite well.  
  
"He's dead!" one of the girls's sobbed to Sara when she saw her.  
  
"Oh my goodness" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Sara, what do we do?" the other girl asked.  
  
"What happened?" Sara asked.  
  
"It was his idea. He said it was just weed" one of the girls insisted.  
  
"Weed doesn't kill you. What was it Angela?" Sara asked.  
  
"I think it might be heroin" one of the girls's admitted.  
  
"What did I say the other day?. Soft drugs lead to harder" Sara commented.  
  
"I know I know. We're not like him though. We'd never" one of the girls sobbed.  
  
"Have you called an ambulance?" Sara asked the girls.  
  
The girls looked at each other.  
  
"We didn't want to get in trouble" one of the girls said.  
  
"How long's he been like this?!?. Are you saying you let him die?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"No!. It wouldn't have made any difference. He died immediately" one of the girls defended.  
  
"Have you tried CPR?" Sara asked.  
  
"Yeah. It didn't work" whinged one of the girls.  
  
Sara sighed and picked up her cell phone out her pocket.  
  
"Hello. Ambulance please. At Linton forest please" Sara told the 911 operator.  
  
Sara put her cell back in her pocket and went back over to the car.  
  
"What's going on?" Grissom asked  
  
Sara got two pairs of car keys out her pocket.  
  
"Can you drive to the airport and dropped the car off please?. The documents are in the glove compartment. Then can you drive you and Catherine home using my car?. Here are those keys. I'm pretty sure Laney wants to stay. I'm really sorry, Grissom. I'm really sorry to you especially, Catherine. But I've got to stay for a few more days - one of the teenagers has died of an O.D - The community, including my mum, will be devastated. I have to stay. I have to arrange things and comfort people" Sara told Grissom.  
  
"Right. But where are you going to stay?" Grissom asked.  
  
"My parents of course" Sara replied.  
  
"But!. But how can you go back now?" Grissom asked.  
  
"It's nothing new, Grissom. Anyway, I've got to go back sometime. I might even save my mum mid fight knowing them!. Thanks Grissom" Sara commented.  
  
Grissom got in the drivers seat and drove off.  
  
Sara walked back up to her parent's house. As she approached she noticed the front door open. As she pushed the door open she heard shouting. She sighed in disappointment. She went to the living room to find her dad beating up her mom. Sara just stood at the open doorway, cleared her throat and stood there looking unimpressed. Her dad eventually stopped.  
  
"When you've quite finished - I have news" Sara said angrily.  
  
"What are you doing back?" Libby asked tearfully.  
  
"Interfering!" Boby replied annoyed.  
  
"Johnny Roberts has died from an overdose. I hope your both happy!" Sara exclaimed before storming out.  
  
"Oh my goodness! Johnny Roberts!" Libby commented.  
  
Libby followed after her.  
  
"We don't do that stuff anymore!" Libby pleaded.  
  
Sara sat down and sighed.  
  
"I'm staying until after the funeral - no longer" Sara told her.  
  
Libby smiled and put a hand on Sara's. Sara couldn't help but smile back. Sara hugged her mom and stroked her hair.  
  
"Did he give a reason?" Sara asked.  
  
"For Catherine?" Libby asked.  
  
"For you mom. Why'd he hit you?. What did he say?" Sara asked.  
  
"It's my fault. I just wanted to stand up for Catherine. Tell him not to do that" Libby told her.  
  
"Thanks mom" Sara gestured.  
  
"Why don't you go get cleaned up. I need to talk to dad. O.k.?" Sara told her.  
  
Libby nodded and left.  
  
"Dad!" Sara called out.  
  
Boby turned up.  
  
"What do you want?" Boby asked angrily.  
  
"You bastard!. Why on earth did you do that to Catherine?. She has nothing to do with this" Sara shouted.  
  
Boby laughed.  
  
"I hate you!" Sara shouted in a mature matter of fact way.  
  
She got up to storm off but turned before leaving to say to him,  
  
"And don't take it out on Mom!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Oh yeah, what you going to do about it?. Shoot me?. Lose your job and end up in prison for life?. Or is a tiny bag of skin and bones like you going to try and beat me up?. Ooooh I'm so scared!" Boby commented before getting up and leaving.  
  
A week later Sara returned to Las Vegas with Alaney. Sara's first stop after dropping her stuff off in her apartment was to check on Catherine. She'd called Grissom during the week to check on Catherine but couldn't bare to call Catherine herself. Grissom told her that Catherine was sensibly taking a fortnight off work. Grissom also told Sara that Catherine had sent Lindsay to Catherine's sister. Grissom and Sara didn't know whether to worry or not. Maybe it was a sensible idea. Sara and Grissom ended up having an argument over the phone though. It had all began when Sara had noticed that Grissom seemed annoyed with her over the phone. She asked him why and he replied,  
  
"Well frankly Sara. I can't believe your being so selfish. Catherine needs to see that man go down for what he did and you're not letting her. He tried to rape her Sara!. Your going through nothing compared to her!" Grissom explained annoyed.  
  
"Oh for goodness sake, Grissom!. It's not like he actually raped her!" Sara exclaimed without thinking.  
  
Grissom was gob smacked.  
  
"Oh no Grissom wait!. I didn't mean it!" Sara pleaded.  
  
"Obviously you did. I just hope you never have to go through what Catherine did!. I'll see you wednesday, Sara" Grissom slammed the phone down.  
  
Sara felt terrible. She didn't mean to be so blunt.  
  
Sara was nervous as she rung Catherine's doorbell. But when Catherine opened the door she looked happy to see her. Catherine looked run down and meek. She was still quite traumatised. Catherine was wearing no make up and slouch like clothes. Sara had never seen Catherine look this way. It was like Catherine was a different person. Throughout the visit, Catherine hardly spoke or replied to anything. She was just a shell of a person. Sara realised Catherine was taking this really badly. It was like talking to a zombie most of the time. Sara didn't quite know what to say to make Catherine feel better. She just felt useless like she wasn't helping at all. Sara noticed Catherine had stacks of washing up so Sara decided to do that for her. Sara knew Catherine wouldn't be in a state to do it plus it would give Sara something to do. Then Sara remembered something and said to Catherine,  
  
"Have you eaten?. Do you want me to make you something?. I remember when I was raped I didn't eat anything for three days and then I only ate little" Sara commented casually.  
  
Catherine was gob smacked and stared at Sara in disbelief.  
  
"How can you be so casual about it?. When I could imagine it it was already bad. It was ten times worse than I could ever imagine. I can't even imagine what it would have been like if - well if it had actually happened" Catherine commented.  
  
"It was so long ago. I just had to get on with my life" Sara replied flippantly in denial.  
  
"Are you honestly trying to tell me you've got on with life?. Sara stop being so casual about the - the R word!." Catherine reacted.  
  
"Let me make you some noodles" Sara suggested trying to avoid the subject.  
  
There was silence as Sara got on and Catherine just stared at her. Finally Catherine said,  
  
"It must have been so hard" Catherine commented.  
  
"Yeah of course!" Sara replied suprised.  
  
"I mean your dad. Telling him you'd been raped must have been so hard because of the way he is. He doesn't care and he made your mom agree to what he said. Is that why your so flippant about your rape? - it is isn't it. Most parents would emphasise how serious being raped is but your parents - your dad at least - he emphasised the complete opposite. Am I right?" Catherine went into psychological rant like she knew. Funnily enough she did kind of.  
  
Sara finally succumbed to her gloomy pain and admitted,  
  
"Exactly".  
  
"But it is serious Sara" Catherine insisted.  
  
"I know. I really do. But dad - he just doesn't understand. Sometimes I think he thinks rape victims want to be raped. I'm sure he blames for me getting pregnant. He's sick. But this isn't about me - I'm here to comfort you" Sara responded introspectively.  
  
Catherine paused.  
  
"What happened to me - It's not your fault you know" Catherine gestured as she put a hand on Sara's.  
  
"I should never have let you go" Sara confessed.  
  
"I know what it's like to have a criminal dad. I'm so scared that one day someone will turn round and think I must have a bad streak too. But our fathers aren't our fault, Sara. We're our own people. I understand that. You've got to remember that. I don't blame you" Catherine told her.  
  
"Thank you" Sara replied.  
  
"Actually, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. I wanted to thank you properly. If you hadn't of come when you did - Well I just don't know what would have happened!" Catherine gestured.  
  
"Thank goodness I did!" Sara sighed.  
  
Catherine paused.  
  
"Sara, can I ask you something and answer me honestly?"  
  
Sara was worried about what the question could be.  
  
"It depends what it is" Sara answered.  
  
"Has your dad ever said anything nice to you?" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara was confused and surprised - she hadn't expected Catherine to come out with that out the blue.  
  
"Well umm. Kind of. I mean sometimes he says I'm ugly, fat, a misfit and a failure of a person. But that's just to be spiteful really. Then other times he says the complete opposite. He says he loves me and I'm the second most beautiful woman in the world" Sara replied.  
  
"The second?" Catherine enquired.  
  
"Bar my mom" Sara replied.  
  
"That's strangely kind of sweet" Catherine commented.  
  
"It probably lies!. B.S!. The only compliment I ever believed was true was that he always told me I was clever. I don't really care if the rest is true. He's worthless and so is his opinion. Anyway why do you ask?" Sara asked.  
  
"He's become a very important part of my life and yet I know hardly anything about him" Catherine explained.  
  
Sara was gob smacked and extremely worried by this comment. It seemed a strange thing for Catherine to be thinking.  
  
Two days later Sara was dreading seeing Catherine again. Even though Catherine didn't blame her it was still awkward with Catherine being either silent zombified or asking strange questions. Therefore, Sara was surprised to find Catherine to be the complete opposite of the last visit. Catherine was full of life. She seemed really happy but Sara could tell she was in denial and trying to convince herself she was happy. Catherine was maniac. She was rushing round the house doing jobs and was talking away like anything. Sara recognised this as a fear that if she stopped being busy then she might remember her situation. Sara had never been through a manic state herself but very aquainted with the process of throwing herself into work to avoid the pain of the situation. Catherine was pretending to be fine but Sara knew she wasn't. Sara knew she was in denial or at least trying to avoid thinking about it.  
  
"I woke up yesterday morning and I just felt so much better. I decided I need to drag myself out from the dumps and get on with life!. Yeah!. I mean it's not like anything happened, right?. It's actually made me realise how precious life is and how lucky I am that you came in time. So I've decided I shouldn't be moping about. I should be celebrating that I escaped" Catherine replied.  
  
Sara was worried by the 'new Catherine'.  
  
Everyone was worried about the 'new Catherine'. Catherine returned to work the next Monday. She was acting like nothing had happened. But she wasn't the same Catherine. She was denial Catherine. No one is that naturally happy and bubbly - and Catherine wasn't before. What especially worried everyone was that Catherine didn't take Lindsay back. She said that she wanted to feel single again. This was so unlike Catherine she adored Lindsay. But frankly everyone doubted she should look after Lindsay the state she was in anyway. She wasn't the same Catherine. Catherine had changed. Everyone was worried that the old Catherine may never come back. 


	30. daddy dearest

The night before the donor results, Sara had stayed up all night consumed with worry. At two am she finally threw up. What if there was no match?. What if she had to be on dialysis for the rest of her life? - it was so painful!. What if dialysis didn't even work?. Sara couldn't lose Laney now when she'd only just got her!. Even if dialysis worked then what kind of life would that be for Laney!. What if there was a match but Laney's body rejected it?. What if they tried to find a non-relative match and Laney died while they were searching?. Suddenly her optimism was giving way to pessimism.  
  
All the possible donors sat round waiting for the doctor to tell them the results. Sara was prepared to be called 'the mother'. After all, Sara had only asked relatives to be donors if they had known she was the mother. Sara made sure Catherine didn't come at all, even to wait outside. Sara didn't want Catherine to ever have to see her father again. Sara found herself partly wishing that Boby was a match and part of her was wishing so hard he wasn't. Sara wasn't even sure if he would still donate to Alaney. The doctor finally announced to the eager ears the results,  
  
"We have a match" the doctor told them.  
  
A rush of relief came over Sara, as indeed most of them. Sara just hoped it wasn't Boby.  
  
"In fact we have two matches" the doctor told them.  
  
Even better. 'Yes! Yes!' Sara thought.  
  
"The matches are Alaney's mother, Sara Sidle" the doctor told them.  
  
Sara was over the moon. She didn't need Boby's donor.  
  
"And her grandfather, Robert Sidle" the doctor continued.  
  
Boby was a match. Sara didn't mind though. She had been prepared for him to be. It didn't matter because Sara was a match and that was all that matters.  
  
"However" the doctor began.  
  
Sara heart sank. However was usually bad news. What could it be?. What was wrong?.  
  
"I would strongly recommend that granddad donates rather than mom" the doctor suggested.  
  
"What?!?!?. Why?. No I am!!!" Sara exclaimed at the doctor distressed.  
  
"Miss Sidle. Please. When we did test your suitability we found some minor - not serious but just minor - kidney damage in you yourself. Your health is in no risk at the moment. It's not an issue. It's just your on the borderline. If you gave Laney your healthy kidney then you could be put at risk. As I said your kidney is borderline. We wouldn't recommend risking it when there's a healthy kidney waiting in your father" the doctor explained.  
  
Sara was devastated . Thoughts rushed through her head like a whirlpool. What was going to happen?. What should she do?. Sara could only think of one thing to do now. She ran out on the verge of tears. Libby got up to follow her and then Boby was about to too, but the doctor stopped them.  
  
"I'll go find her, have a private chat and explain it medically. How about you come in a minute, yeah?. She'll need you" the doctor suggested.  
  
The doctor guessed Sara would be outside getting fresh air next to the nearest exit. Indeed that's where he found her. He found her sitting on a bench looking zombified. Floods of tears were running down her face. He went over and sat next to her.  
  
"I'm sorry", he told her, "I just want to make sure your both safe".  
  
"I know. I'm not angry with you. I just wish it didn't have to be this way" Sara responded.  
  
"You want me to explain why it's best you don't donate?" the doctor asked.  
  
Sara shook her head.  
  
"No, I understand. I do. I just wish it wasn't true" Sara replied.  
  
Sara paused.  
  
"Except - is it serious?. I don't have a duplex kidney do I?" Sara asked.  
  
"No. Nothing mildly serious. It's just" the doctor responded.  
  
"The eating disorder. It is isn't it" Sara added.  
  
"Maybe. Probably" the doctor replied.  
  
The doctor noticed Libby standing nearby wanting to come over.  
  
"Your mom's been wanting to speak to you for ages. I better go and leave you guys alone. As long as you're alright" the doctor said getting up.  
  
Sara stopped him though, by putting a hand on his arm.  
  
"Wait doctor!. Thank you. Not just for coming and talking to me. But also. Thank you for not saying anything. You easily could have. Thank you" Sara gestured.  
  
"It's not my place to say" the doctor replied, smiled and left.  
  
Libby came over. As soon as Sara saw her mom approaching she burst into tears again. She was so relieved to have her mother's arms to cry into. As soon as Libby sat down she put her arms round Sara.  
  
"Oh baby girl!" Libby soothed her.  
  
"Everyone's going to guess, Mom!. It's so obvious!" Sara whined.  
  
"No, they won't darling. They won't!. It's good news. At least there's a suitable match. Yeah?" Libby reassured her.  
  
"The chances were good. I had a gut feeling she'd be fine" Sara responded.  
  
"But why can't it be me, mom?. Why?" Sara whined.  
  
"Sara!. Don't reject help from him!. Use him for all he offers you!. He owes you and Laney. He took that kid away from you and ruined your life" Libby told her.  
  
"Oh yeah and you were fighting my corner weren't you, mom?. You were pleading him to let us keep Laney, weren't you mom?" Sara replied sarcastically.  
  
"It wasn't a good idea to keep her. I did what I thought best, Sara. If I made a mistake I'm sorry. But you've got to remember I was only your age when Laney came along!. What would you do?" Libby defended.  
  
Sara didn't answer. She just sat feeling sorry for herself.  
  
"Do you know if he's still willing to donate?" Sara asked after a while.  
  
"He better!. If not, I'll give him a kick up the back side and a blackmailing session! - that will do it!" Libby responded.  
  
"I just wish he would donate out the kindness of his heart!. Like he cared about her!. He's her granddaughter at the very least!" Sara expressed.  
  
Sara turned and looked at her mom and broke into tears. She fell down on her mother's chest sobbing. Libby rubbed Sara's back to comfort her and tears began to quietly run down her cheeks too.  
  
"We all do, sweetie. We all do!" Libby sobbed quietly.  
  
The pair noticed Boby come over.  
  
"We need to talk" Boby told Sara.  
  
Boby hesitated and then said,  
  
"I'm going to donate, you know. So I don't know why you're all getting so upset. Of course, I'm going to donate!. I'm not that blooming stupid!. I know what will happen if I don't" Boby told them.  
  
"She'll die?" Sara asked hopefully.  
  
"I meant to me" Boby replied.  
  
"So will you stop blubbering" Boby said angrily.  
  
"It's not that easy" Sara replied.  
  
"Boby stop being so insensitive!. We've talked about this!. You have to be more sensitive with her" Libby demanded.  
  
"Oh shut up you stupid cow. Look just get lost, Libby!. Sara and I need to talk in private. Donor to donor. It's confidential and it's private!" Boby sneered.  
  
"No, mom! Please stay!. Don't leave me with him" Sara pleaded.  
  
"I'm not going anywhere" Libby insisted.  
  
"Oh please, Sara you're a big girl now!. I'm sure you can sit next to me in the open where it's safe. Now get lost Elizabeth!. It's private" Boby sneered.  
  
Libby looked over to Sara. Sara nodded and Libby left.  
  
"Yeah that's it Elizabeth. Keep walking away! Keep going!" Boby shouted.  
  
"Don't talk to her like that" Sara snapped.  
  
"Oh yeah, what you going to do about it?" Boby asked.  
  
Sara said nothing. She just turned her head in disgust and Boby sat next to her.  
  
For the first few minutes they both sat in an awkward silence. Boby finally broke it,  
  
"I'll give her a kidney on one condition" Boby proposed.  
  
"Oh yeah. Here we go!" Sara responded.  
  
"Once she's better. We give her a huge lump of money and send her abroad so no one finds out" Boby suggested.  
  
"What?!?. No!. No way!. Listen I make the rules now - not you!" Sara informed him.  
  
"You wouldn't go to the police!. You've got just as much to lose as me!" Boby replied confidentially.  
  
"No I don't!" Sara replied.  
  
"Everyone will gossip about you. Your that one with that dad in jail. Everyone will talk about you behind your back and laugh at you. They'll think your the same. If your lucky, they'll just tip toe around you and avoid you because they don't know what to say. Poor little Sara everyone will think. They'll think you're a freak. They'll call you a freak. You don't want all that and you know it!. Your all talk and no action, Sara!. Your never go to the police and you know it!. You don't scare me!" Boby reminded her.  
  
"So if you believe I won't go to the police then why are you having a risky operation for a kid you don't care about?. Either you do care about her or you think I will go to the police" Sara asked sarcastically.  
  
Boby just looked at Sara unimpressed.  
  
"You really need to stop getting so emotional about that kid, Sara. Your not her mother. A mother and father are just sex. Just biology!. A parent is about raising a child. No, you're not her mother - You're just the silly cow who gave birth to her!" Boby informed her.  
  
Sara was unimpressed and internally upset he'd said this. But she tried not to show him how much it upset her.  
  
"I wish I was like you, dad. I wish I didn't care. But I can't help it - I love her even if you don't. Even mom's beginning to act like her grandmother. I just wish you'd act like her granddad. That's all I ask. I'd never have a go at you again. I'd forgive you of all you've ever done to anyone I know. All I want is to see that you can feel some kind of love for her because she's your relative. Just treat her like any other grandfather would" Sara explained.  
  
"That's never going to happen, sweetheart. Get over it!" Boby replied uncaringly.  
  
He got up and walked off leaving Sara to start crying alone again.  
  
Sara's heart was beating heavily, and her palms were sweating, as she and Daven walked over to Alaney in the hospital corridor. Alaney was sitting there anxiously waiting. She stood up as soon as Sara walked towards her.  
  
"Well? Is there a donor?" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
Sara and Daven looked pale and worried.  
  
"Laney sit down, we need to talk" Sara said in a serious tone.  
  
Alaney sat down.  
  
"There isn't is there?!?" Laney asked as she went pale and was on the verge of tears.  
  
"No, there was a suitable donor" Daven replied.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"It was your father" Sara told her.  
  
"Oh! Right. Umm. O.k." Laney took it in.  
  
Sara took a deep breath.  
  
"We've decided to you who your father is" Sara told her.  
  
"Really?" Alaney asked excitedly.  
  
"Wow!. Umm, wait a second. Just let me prepare myself" Laney decided.  
  
"Your father has agreed you can know on the condition you don't ever expect a father/daughter relationship with him" Daven explained.  
  
"I don't think your going to like it" Sara told her.  
  
Laney looked really worried.  
  
Laney sighed. She looked on the verge of tears.  
  
"It's Boby isn't it?" Laney asked Sara worriedly.  
  
Sara took a deep breath and nodded.  
  
Alaney was devastated. She began crying, which surprised Sara. Daven sort of understood and put a hand on Laney's back to comfort her.  
  
"Are you o.k.?" Sara asked.  
  
"Of all the people in the world!. It had to be that pig!. He was one of the last people I wanted to be my father! - and it's him!" Laney exclaimed tearfully.  
  
Daven tried to think of something to say to comfort her.  
  
"It's not all bad. The good news is you get us as brother and sister" Daven gestured.  
  
Laney smiled through her tears.  
  
"You two are my top choices for brother and sister!" Laney smiled through the tears.  
  
"And without Boby that wouldn't be" Daven commented.  
  
"Irony is a funny thing!" Alaney laughed tearfully.  
  
Daven got down his knees next Alaney and took her hand.  
  
"You're my sister and I've wanted to say that for so long!. Can I have a hug, sis?" Daven asked.  
  
Laney smiled and they hugged. Then Laney turned and smiled at Sara. Sara smiled back despite being so worried and feeling so guilty for not telling Laney the truth. Laney put out her arms to hug Sara and Sara accepted guiltily.  
  
"Just forgot about him. Cut him out the scenario. All this means is that you get two fantastic siblings. You don't need him to have us. We love you" Daven told Alaney.  
  
Sara smiled at Alaney too.  
  
"Even though he doesn't want me. I can't believe he'd want to kill me! - his own daughter!" Laney reflected.  
  
"He's a sick man. Truly sick. Just forget about him" Daven commented angrily.  
  
"A lot of things make sense now. How you two used to look so in love with me. Why my mom choose him to blackmail into looking after me. It hurts that he's never really looked at me like he cares about me though. He's just so distant - like I'm a stranger!" Alaney commented tearfully.  
  
"I guess that father/daughter relationship I always dreamed of, when I found my biological father, is out the question!" Alaney joked.  
  
Daven smiled at Alaney, stroked her hair behind her ear and then kissed her forehead.  
  
"Thanks guys. But I, umm, I need some time alone. To think" Laney said getting up.  
  
"You sure?. We could spend some quality time together - even if it's me comforting you. Do you really want to be alone?" Daven asked.  
  
Laney thought to herself.  
  
"I'd love you to come" Laney admitted.  
  
Daven put an arm round her and they walked away.  
  
Catherine had been hiding round the corner eavesdropping for most of the conversation. She hadn't been able to resist not coming down to the hospital for the results. She appeared once Laney and Daven had left.  
  
"I can't believe you've just lied again!" Catherine snapped at Sara.  
  
"I try to help you, Sara but you just carry on lying time and time again!. And to say that he's the father of all people!. Did you see the look on her face?. That's terrible!. Do you realise the effect that's had on Laney?. Lying about him being her father!" Catherine lectured disgusted.  
  
Sara looked at Catherine and was speechless. Instead of saying anything Sara just looked down guiltily and said nothing. Catherine stormed off.  
  
Sara decided she needed to see her mom. So Sara proceeded to make her way to her parent's hotel room. Sara was hoping her father wouldn't be in. Unfortunately, he was the only one in.  
  
"Oh, I was looking for mom. I'll come back later" Sara reacted before turning to leave.  
  
"Wait Sara!. Come in" Boby urged her.  
  
"I've been worried about you. Please come in. I have some things I need to tell you. Some things I need to apologise for." Boby added.  
  
Sara's heart beat fast. Did she just hear what she thought she'd just heard?. She excited that there might even be a possibility it was going to turn over a new leaf. Sara was curious and desperately wanted him to be remorseful, so she agreed to go in.  
  
"How are you?" Boby asked sensitive and with care.  
  
"Why would you care?" Sara snapped back, secretly wanting him to show love.  
  
"I know how hard it was - is! - with Alaney being your daughter. But sometimes, I get the impression that you think I wanted you to get pregnant. That's the last thing I wanted. It's ruined all our lives" Boby tried explaining pleasantly.  
  
Sara didn't really know how to react to this. It was one of the nicest things he'd ever said, but it was still really twisted. So Sara didn't react or say anything.  
  
"I was looking at her sleeping on the couch yesterday and - I did sort of feel something for her!. She is my granddaughter after all, hey?. I was looking at her and I got thinking - she looks a bit like me. She has the nose I gave to you. She has the eyes your mother gave you. She has the chin I gave you. She has the shape of face as your mother gave you. She's beautiful" Boby commented.  
  
Sara couldn't believe her ears. It caught her breath. She just stared at him  
  
Boby sighed.  
  
"I'm not just donating because you and your mother are blackmailing me. I could squash you both like flies. I'm donating because - well - she's family!" Boby admitted.  
  
Sara wanted to believe it but just couldn't trust him. So she challenged him to see how far she could push his limits.  
  
"I thought you didn't care about her?. Are you lying to me?. Do you really expect me to believe you've turned into a normal human being overnight?" Sara commented defensively.  
  
Boby gave a small laugh.  
  
"Let me explain. Who do I love more than anyone else in the world?" Boby asked.  
  
Sara was dying to say it was him but didn't want to in case of backlash. So she just shrugged.  
  
"Come on, you say it all the time" Boby urged her.  
  
"You?" Sara replied unsure.  
  
"Exactly!. So who do I love to see the mirror?" Boby asked.  
  
"You?" Sara laughed in disbelief.  
  
"So when I look at someone and see someone who looks like me looking back then" Boby explained.  
  
"Oh my goodness!. Your joking! Oh my! - In some strange way that actually makes sense!" Sara replied.  
  
"So you love her?" Sara asked excitedly.  
  
"Woah! No!. Slow down!. I love you and your mother only. I just care for Alaney. I want to protect those who look like me?. Right?" Boby explained.  
  
"Your growing on me" Sara commented reluctantly.  
  
"Don't kid yourself, honey. You love me. You can't help but love me truly wurly. Your mother told me" he teased her  
  
Sara suddenly became angry that he knew this.  
  
"I'm human. Get over it" Sara said half angry and half embarrassed.  
  
Boby put an arm round her.  
  
"I think it's really sweet" Boby reassured her nicely.  
  
Sara shrugged his arm off.  
  
"Back to Alaney" Sara instructed him.  
  
"Oh why? - your so preoccupied by that kid!" Boby commented.  
  
"Even if you care about her why risk your own safety for her?. You could die" Sara challenged him.  
  
"You can die from any operation!" Boby casually brushed it off.  
  
"Exactly. That's why people avoid them!. Plus it's painful!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"I'm not afraid of pain. I'm not a wimpy little girl. I'm not afraid of death. Anyway, you and your mother would put me in jail for life if I didn't give her the kidney - so it's worth risking having a life compared to not" Boby explained.  
  
Boby sighed.  
  
He put an arm round her and she brushed him off immediately.  
  
"Sara, you need me. Your upset about Alaney. I'm here for you. I'm having a caring moment suck it up while it lasts!. Come on, let me comfort you. I want to comfort you through your period of worry about your daughter's health. Come on. Accept this. I'm having a sweet moment - it's rare" Boby proposed nicely.  
  
This speech had more effect on her. Sara looked worried. She didn't want him to think they could have a father and daughter relationship without him changing and repenting but she desperately wanted to accept his offer anyway.  
  
"Come on, I know you want it. Deep down you're dying for us to be father and daughter again - even if just for one afternoon. How could it hurt?. I know you still hate me, so you don't need to worry about that. It's just - I miss you. We used to be pretty close when you were younger" Boby commented.  
  
Sara gave a sneering laugh.  
  
"I just want us to have some father/daughter moments once in a while. We haven't had one in over a two years now. Come on - let me comfort you. I want to be your father" Boby proposed.  
  
Sara softened. Boby tried to put an arm round her. Sara let him. She began crying into his chest. He began stroking her hair.  
  
"There, there baby" Boby soothed her.  
  
"When I saw her hooked up to all those machines!. I just!. It was horrible!. And I couldn't do anything to help her and I just wanted to be able to make everything better!. I didn't just want me to be a match because of you but also because I wanted to be the one. The one to make her all better" Sara sobbed.  
  
"I know. There, there baby. I'll make sure your daughter gets better. I will" Boby soothed her.  
  
Sara got up with a start.  
  
"What do you mean my daughter?!?. I didn't conceive her all by myself!. She's your daughter too!" Sara shouted.  
  
"I'm not Alaney's father, darling" Boby responded.  
  
"What?!?. I'm sorry did I imagine it?" Sara asked sarcastically.  
  
"When it comes to the Alaney situation, darling, it's about whether you choose to be her parent or not. You've chosen to be her parent and I haven't. Like I said - a parent is someone who looks after the child. Biology does not determine parenthood. A biological parent is just sex. It's just the rare occurrence of a random sperm meeting a random egg. It's a coincidence" Boby explained.  
  
Sara just stood staring at him in disbelief.  
  
"Your unbelievable" she muttered.  
  
"Thank you" he responded proudly.  
  
"She's a human. Just like you and just like me. She's just as important as either one of us. Yet all she's ever known is rejection. She doesn't know what it's like to have parents and it's made her life hell. She feels unwanted and it's all our fault. No in fact it's all your fault!" Sara explained.  
  
"She is unwanted!" Boby commented casually.  
  
Sara was in disbelief. He looked at her and could see she was still peeved off.  
  
"What do you want from me, Sara?. What? - shall I leave your mother and marry you?. Yeah is that what you want?. And then me, you and Alaney can all go and moved into a precious little house in suburbia with a picket white fence and live happily ever after!. It will just be glorious!. We'll laugh and play all day together!. It'll be all happiness and sunflowers!. Do you really think that can happen, Sara?!?. Do you!!!!" Boby said sarcastically.  
  
Sara burst out crying.  
  
"Of course not!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"We can't live happily ever after because it's incest!. That child is incest!" Boby reminded her.  
  
"Oh so you finally have realised that!. You should have thought about that 19 bloody years ago!" Sara screamed sobbing.  
  
"I don't care, sweetie. It's just society I'm worried about. Your little policeman friends. I love you darling and they - they just wouldn't understand that!" Boby explained smarmily.  
  
"You didn't do it because you loved me!. You did it because you're sick!" Sara shouted.  
  
"Look listen up, pumpkin. We're never going to be the happy family Alaney wants. She can never know - and neither can anyone who doesn't already. So here's what you're going to do for both our sake's. Your going shut up, you gonna stop blubbering and your going to stop looking at Alaney with those goo goo eyes of yours. Cos believe me honey - if you don't she or everyone else will find out!. And if she only finds out you're her mother - she'll hate you. And if she finds out about both of us - she'll kill herself. On top of that everyone will label you a freak!. Everyone will talk about you behind your back and some people will probably say you deserved it" Boby instructed her.  
  
Sara didn't know what to do. She knew he was right. She just cried and cried.  
  
Boby sighed and had a change of heart.  
  
"This wasn't meant to be what this little session was meant to be about, Sara!. I just wanted us to spend some quality time together. Be friendly and nice. Civil at least. Can we start again?" Boby asked a bit nicer.  
  
"We can never start again. We can never start again until you apologise to everyone and turn over a new leaf. Apologise to me!. Apologise to Marie Poloski!. Apologise to Margery! - and Martha! - and Candace!. Apologise to Josie Fisher!, Ailsa Fisher!. Apologise to Catherine Willows!"  
  
"Who's Catherine Willows?" Boby asked confused  
  
Sara was gob smacked.  
  
"You don't even know who half the people you rape are do you?. Catherine! - my workmate Catherine!"  
  
"Ah!", Boby smiled in recognition, "Oh come on I didn't even get a chance to get physical with her how can she be on the list?".  
  
"Do realise how much you've ruined her life just attempting to get 'physical' with her?" Sara asked annoyed.  
  
Boby shrugged.  
  
Sara continued,  
  
"Apologise to Mom for treating her so bad!. Apologise to Mary Castle!. Apologise to"  
  
"Mary Castle?" Boby asked.  
  
"For goodness sake!. Mary Castle!. My best friend when I was six years old!. The one you molested because she caught you molesting me!. Whose parents never let her see me ever again!. Whose parents removed her from my school because of you?. Whose parents were too ashamed to report it in fear of what their daughter would be labelled as!. Ring any bells?" Sara shouted.  
  
"What's the big hysteria!. It's just sex!. Everyone puts such a big label on it. Chill out!. It's no biggie!"  
  
"It is a biggie!. It is serious!. It's so serious we now have a human life in our hands, Boby!. It's about the heart, it's about emotion - it's about how it feels to have the first opportunity for a normal sexual experience stolen from you!" Sara shouted.  
  
"Oh yeah!. Here we are - it's all coming out now!. I'm so sick of you acting the martyr, Sara. This is all about you so don't pretend you actually give a shit about all those people!" Boby replied.  
  
Sara ran at her father to attack him but he stopped her and threw her down on the couch in her tears.  
  
"You've got to get over me and you, Sara!. It was just one night - there's been another twelve thousand or so in your life so far. It didn't mean much to me and it shouldn't mean anything to you. If Alaney hadn't of come along then it wouldn't have mattered at all. Just get over it. Stop ruining your life by trying to hate me" Boby demanded.  
  
Boby sighed and changed his tone.  
  
"Come on baby! - just one hug. Come and give me a hug" Boby said holding out his arms to hug her.  
  
Sara was now convinced he was mentally ill. He had got to be.  
  
"No!", she responded angrily, "You just don't get it!. It is a big deal!. Even if Alaney hadn't of come along it would have been a big deal. Even if you only raped adult women it would be a big deal!. It's rape!. It's a big deal!" Sara shouted.  
  
Sara calmed down and pleaded with his conscience,  
  
"You ruined my life. I never recovered!. I still have nightmares sometimes. It's been eighteen years and yet that night has never left me. It wasn't just one night. As a child you molested me. Then you stopped because I got fat. Then you tore my self esteem down by telling me I was fat and ugly and had to lose weight. For the first ten years of my life you told me I was one of the most beautiful girls in the world. Then suddenly I was nothing. Do you realise what that did to my self esteem?. My head was so screwed up part of me actually slightly wanted you to molest me so at least I knew I was pretty!. Do you know how screwed up that is?. Then eventually I lost loads of weight by the eating disorder you pushed me into" Sara shouted.  
  
"Now wait a moment I never told you to go doing all that rubbish!" Boby defended himself.  
  
"And you know what?. Even when I lost all that weight. You still criticised me. You still called me ugly and told me no one would fancy me wearing the clothes I liked. You didn't put it sensitively - you used it to get at me!" Sara broke out sobbing.  
  
"And then when I thought things couldn't get any worse you raped me out the blue. I begged you to stop but you wouldn't!. Because the only person you care about is yourself!" Sara shouted.  
  
"My self esteem!. I had - have! - low self esteem about my looks, my behaviour, my everything!. The only thing I ever had self esteem on was the one thing I had results back on - my intelligence. You ruined my life for all those reasons and so many more on which I don't want to give you the satisfaction of mentioning" Sara whined.  
  
"Part of my just died instead after that night. I was never the same happy little girl. You ruined my life!" Sara told her.  
  
Sara had finished and was just anticipating his response. What would it be.  
  
Boby was silent and just stared at her. He finally broke his silence by shrugging.  
  
"Is this meant to mean something?. Am I meant to care?" Bob asked uncaring.  
  
Sara stormed off and over to the door to leave. After opening her heart to him and giving him a chance to say he was sorry he had remained his usual heartless self. She just didn't know whether there was any point in her or her mother waiting around for him to turned over a new leaf and become the person they desired him to be. They'd given him thirty three years already.  
  
But before Sara could leave her father tried to be nice again.  
  
"Wait, wait Sara!. Stop!" he begged.  
  
Sara couldn't help it. Even though he let her down time over time again she couldn't help but turn and hope for a change. She gave him another try.  
  
"Pumpkin" he said as he stroked her cheek.  
  
"What?" she asked hoping and waiting.  
  
"Let's not fight. Let's just agree to disagree" he proposed, as he looked lovingly in her eyes and still had that hand on her cheek.  
  
"It's not that easy!" Sara insisted disappointed in him and pushing him away.  
  
She stormed off but he turned her round back towards him and kissed her on the lips. She was stunned. Suddenly she decided what she wanted to do - she slapped him in anger. Then she tried to storm off again. But he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back. Then he got more aggressive. Before she could realise he had grabbed her face between his hand and was squashing her jaw together tightly. She panicked, she was frightened and he was hurting her jaws. She began to cry softly in fear. She tried to look for a way out. She tried to remember her weapon-less self defence training but her mind was blank. He kissed her again. She was disgusted but too scared to show it. He took his hand off her cheeks and suddenly swung her round so hard that without being able to stop herself she fell on the sofa behind them. He began coming towards her and Sara knew what was going to happen. She was petrified. She couldn't move out of fear. She didn't want it to happen again but she just couldn't physically move herself because she was petrified. Her mind was blank on how to defend herself.  
  
Suddenly before anything could happen Sara remembered why she'd learnt self defence. She didn't want to be a victim anymore. She wanted to be able to fight him off. She didn't want to turn into her mother. She knew that she could do this. She just needed to stay calm and clear her head. It was hard but eventually she calmed her self down and focused clearly on the task in hand. Suddenly all her self defence knowledge came back to her. Knee him in the privates, use your palm to hit him up the nose and finally elbow him in the chest to move him away from you properly. She did that, not remembering if it was exactly that order, but it did the job and it was better than nothing and that was all that mattered.  
  
She got up, leaving him in pain and ran out. Relieved but still terrified see ran the whole way home to her apartment in tears. When she got home she bolted all the doors to stop him coming to get her. 'How was she ever going to face him again now?' she wondered. 


	31. Drip drop

As Libby was approaching the hotel, she was startled to see her daughter running out the hotel in floods of tears. Libby stormed upstairs.  
  
"What have you done to her?" Libby shouted angrily.  
  
"Oh, you know Sara - she gets emotional. She's such a drama queen. I did nothing though - and if she says I did she's a liar" Boby told Libby uninterested.  
  
"Oh yeah and I'm going to believe you over her" Libby snapped angrily.  
  
"You should" Boby shouted.  
  
"If she says you touched her or if I find one scratch on her! - Don't except to me again till court" Libby warned him.  
  
Bobby remained silent as Libby stormed out.  
  
"Stupid bitches" Boby remarked to himself.  
  
He sighed in frustration about the mess he was in.  
  
As soon as Sara got home she dead locked her door and put a chair behind it to make sure he couldn't come after her. She was so upset that she just went over to the sofa and cried and cried and cried for ages. Eventually, she got up and put an appropriate c.d. It was 'Torn' by Natalie Imbruglia. She put it on and the just went back to the sofa and cried. As the song played she was too upset to even attempt to sing the words. She just listened as she whaled. Finally when it got to the line "But I don't know him anymore" onwards, she began to sing along quietly. But by the end of "This is how I feel" she stopped singing and just cried and listened again.  
  
("I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm. He came around like he was dignified. He showed me what it was to cry. Well you couldn't be that man I adored  
  
You don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for. But I don't know him anymore. There's nothing where he used to lie. My conversation has run dry. That's what's going on. Nothing's fine I'm torn. I'm all out of faith. This is how I feel. I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changed. Into something real  
  
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn. You're a little late I'm already torn")  
  
When the first chorus had finished Sara calmed herself down and turned the c.d. off. She picked up her cell phone and called her mom. She got the cell's answer phone.  
  
"Mom!. When you get this message please can you call me back. I really need you!. Dad really upset me. Nothing dodgy happened but he said some really horrible things. He was just so horrible mom!. Please come round. Please!" Sara whined.  
  
What Sara didn't realize was Libby was outside afraid to come in in fear of what she might hear from Sara about what Boby had said or done. Libby was sure she would have to leave Boby now. Libby was going to go in but she just wanted to put it off for a while.  
  
Once Sara had put the phone down she decided to take the chair away from the door and take the bolts off. This meant her mum could get in with her own key but her dad couldn't. Her dad didn't have his own key so, hopefully, the key lock would still keep him away. But if it didn't then Sara had given up caring. What's the worst he could do?. Rape me? - He's already done that!. Kill me? - Good! It will be a release from this hell I've been living my whole life!.  
  
Sara sat on her sofa waiting for her mom. She wanted her mom so desperately. Her mom had always been so good at comforting her. As a child, whether Sara was upset her mom used to sing to her. She would mainly sing the 'Wild horses' song to Sara to comfort her when she was upset. It was originally sung by the rolling stones but even before 'the Sundays' version came out her mom always used to sing it like 'the Sundays' (minus the Irish accent, of course). They always used to joke that she was psychic because of it. And even as an adult, whenever Sara was upset and her mom wasn't around to comfort her, that was the song Sara would remember in times of distress. Sara loved the way her mom would sing 'wild horses' to her like the song was specially written for Sara. Sara also found it a comforting song because it was one of the few regular songs her mom used to sing to her that her father hadn't sung to her too. As Sara sat waiting now she began to day dream. Her mind sprung back to this one time when she was six years old. Her parents had just had an argument. Sara was sitting up in bed huddled up in her mother's arms and her mother was stroking Sara as she sang her that song. Sara decided to put 'Wild horses' on her c.d. system to aide her memory. Without the real thing her memory of her mom and that song was the only thing that could attempt to comfort her right now. The second time round, she played that song, she decided to sing along in reminiscence. After the third time she'd played that song and was still not comforted she turned it off.  
  
She looked through her c.d. collection again and put another c.d. on. This time it was Christina Aguilera's song "I'm o.k.". As the song began she remembered her dad molesting her as a child. Gradually as the words began, she sang along crying and remembering her parents violent fighting.  
  
(The song begins with a girl crying "Daddy Daddy Daddy!". Then a man saying deviously "Aren't you my good girl". Then the singing begins "Once upon a time there was a girl. In her early years she had to learn how to grow up living in a war that she called home. Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm. Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face. Every time my father's fist would put her in her place. Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room. Hoping it would be over soon. Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same. And I still remember how you kept me so afraid. Strength is my mother for all the love she gave. Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday. And I'm OK")  
  
But when it got to the pause in between "back to yesterday" and "And I'm o.k." Sara said,  
  
"And I'm not o.k.".  
  
Then the song said "I'm o.k." and Sara said,  
  
"I thought I was. But I'm not. I'm not o.k., Dad!" Sara sobbed.  
  
As the words continued Sara continued mouthing the words along. This time she thought about Alaney and about how her dad used to come into her room at night sometimes and molest Sara. There were times during the song when Sara actually sung out to her absent father - trying to get him to understand how he'd made her feel.  
  
("I often wonder why I've carried all this guilt. When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built. Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door. The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more!". Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done!. To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on")  
  
Once the song had sung "for me it still lives on" Sara stopped the cd and moped.  
  
Suddenly she became furiously angry. She grabbed a flower vase and flung it across the room in frustration. Then she just fell on the sofa crying again. After a while, a sudden thought came to her. She ran into her bedroom. She reached down into the back of her wardrobe and got out a bottle of vodka. Then she went over to her bedside cabinet and took a bottle of valium out. Once back in the living room she went over to her sofa and swallowed one valium tablet. She then got a glass and started to pour and drink the raw vodka. She considered suicide but wasn't sure whether she wanted to end it quite yet. For now she just knew she wanted to numb the pain. After her second glass of vodka, she began to day dream. She remembered a friend of hers asking her how Sara or her Mom could still love her dad even though he treated them so badly. Sara herself wasn't even sure why she loved him. Why she believed in him. This thought provoked a montage of memories in her head,  
  
First, she remembered one time when she was four and her parents were sitting round her bed singing 'Dream a little dream of me'. She remembered how her dad sang it at her with such love and passion. She honestly believed he loved her. He looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. At one point he touched her on the nose and made a funny face at her and she laughed. And then Sara remembered how times like this were not rare.  
  
Next she remembered another time when she was four. She had been outside playing one evening and one of the other hippies had shouted at her. He was renowned for being one of the nasty ones. He didn't react too well to drugs - he became paranoid and moody. So Sara ran indoors crying. Her dad was genuinely concerned and asked her what was wrong. So Sara told him. Her dad reacted by storming outside and having a go at this man in front of everyone. Sara came running outside, hide behind her father and clung onto him for protection.  
  
"Who gave you the right to speak to my daughter like that?" Boby shouted at him.  
  
He punched the man. But the man didn't retaliate. He just said he didn't believe in violence unlike Boby. Boby picked Sara up in his arms and started walking off muttering,  
  
"Self righteous coward!".  
  
Finally he turned to Sara and said to her genuinely,  
  
"It's alright baby. Daddy's here now, pumpkin. Daddy's sorted him out. He won't be bothering you again" he comforted her.  
  
Sara then remembered another time. This time she three years old and she had been in bed ill all day. Her mom had been looking after her but her dad hadn't known she'd been ill because he'd been gone all day. Her dad returned in the early evening and her mom explained Sara was ill.  
  
"How ill?" Boby asked concerned and angry with Libby.  
  
Boby asked because social services were on their back because Libby hadn't realized Sara was so ill she needed to be taken to hospital three times previously. Sara got ill a lot as a child the doctors couldn't really tell why though. So Boby went over to Sara and checked her out. He was so sweet and caring to her. Again Sara noted, he looked at her like she was the most precious thing in the world. Finally he felt her forehead. He was immediately alarmed.  
  
"You stupid idiot Libby!. She's burning up!. You've done it again!. Do you want to have baby girl taken away?" Boby shouted at Libby.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Libby asked concerned and on the verge of tears.  
  
"She's really ill!. She has a sky rocketing fever!. Forget social services, Libby, you might have actually killed her this time!. It looks really serious!" Boby shouted worried and on the verge of tears.  
  
"I'm not stupid!. Just because you trained to be a doctor!" Libby sobbed back.  
  
"That has nothing to do with it, Libby!. It's common sense!. Gees Libby!. You think I'm the one abusing her!. A few bruises are nothing compared to the damaged caused by the neglect you put her through!. Just keep away from her, you silly girl!" Boby shouted.  
  
He picked Sara up in his arms and rushed her out. Libby followed after them.  
  
"Wait!. Wait for me!" Libby cried.  
  
Boby sighed and stopped.  
  
"O.k. Fine. You can come with us. But in future" Boby let her.  
  
"I know" Libby acknowledged.  
  
As they got into their van Libby turned to Boby and said,  
  
"Oh my goodness!. Boby!. I've just had a thought!. How are we going to pay for her medical care?. We can't go back to our parents another time!" Libby expressed.  
  
"Is that all you can think about!. Money!. We'll find the money somehow!. I'll go to my parents if you're too proud to go to yours" Boby shouted.  
  
"It's not like that!. Sara is the most important thing in the world to me!" Libby defended angrily but trying to keep calm.  
  
"Except drugs" Boby responded.  
  
"That is not true!" Libby shouted.  
  
Boby pointed a stern finger in Libby's face which scared her.  
  
"Don't shout at me!" Boby shouted.  
  
"Sorry. Sorry" Libby said petrified and repenting.  
  
"Do you understand how serious this is, Libby?. She could die you stupid girl!" Boby snapped back.  
  
The next thing Sara could remember about that memory was beginning to feel woozy and then gradually blacking out. The last thing she heard was her mom calling out "Baby girl!".  
  
When Sara woke up later that night in that memory, she was in hospital and both her parents were waiting anxiously by her bedside. Her dad still looked like she was the most precious thing in the world and her mom usually did anyway. Her parents looked worried sick. They looked so worn out and stressed. They'd obviously stayed up all night in the hospital waiting for her to wake up.  
  
Then next she remembered later on that same night. She was pretending to be asleep in her hospital bed but was really listening to her parents' conversation.  
  
"Boby, do you think I'm a bad mother?" Libby asked out the blue.  
  
Boby gave a small laugh and put an arm round Libby.  
  
"No. I think you're a fantastic mother!. And I think baby girl's lucky to have you!. You just lack common sense sometimes, that's all. But you make up for it ten times over with how good you are with her!. She's gonna grow up and be under no doubt that her momma loves her" Boby told her.  
  
"You really think that?" Libby asked.  
  
"You know what?. One of the reasons I think your such a great mom is because you're so patient with her!. I know I'm a grumpy old man and I don't treat her right - But still! - other parents are nearly as bad as me. Not just our friends or our parents' friends. But you just go to the mall and everywhere you go there's screaming kids and there's parents screaming back at them. It's a natural reaction. But you!. You just cope so well. You hardly every shout at her when she gets difficult. You spoil her too much sometimes maybe. But also you're fabulous at comforting her when she's upset. Usually because I upset her!. I wish I could be like you. But I just can't seem to keep control of my temper. Your one of the best parents I've ever met!" Boby reassured her.  
  
Libby smiled and laid her head on Boby's shoulders. He kissed Libby's head and Sara fully closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep.  
  
Obviously, it wasn't all good times. Sometimes he didn't care she was ill. Sometimes he didn't care for her or her safety. It really depended on what mood he was in that day. What drug he was on. Whether he was drunk or not. Sara couldn't understand how one moment he could love her more than anything in the world and then in a similar situation not give a stuff about her. She couldn't understand how now he was drug free he could still be so temperamental with his feelings.  
  
She remembered how her mom had been dressing her one day, when she was about three years old. Her mom had found bruises around the top of her arm and asked Sara how she'd got them. Sara said she fell. Of course, Libby knew what had happened. She could tell from the hand marks that Boby had pulled Sara up by the top of her tiny arm. Libby went out and had a massive go at Boby. She screamed at him not to lay a hand on her daughter ever again and how he could have dislocated Sara's shoulder doing that. Boby told her to chill and when she didn't he started shouting back at her. Eventually, Boby agreed not to do it again. A week later however, Libby and Boby had got into another violent argument. Sara had tried to break them up. Boby then lifted Sara up by the top of her arm again and threw her onto the sofa. Libby went hysterical. Shouting and bawling at him. Eventually, she picked Sara up and left Boby. Libby left Boby for a good fortnight before going back. That was a long time for them. Eventually Boby had caught up with Libby one day and begged her and Sara to come back. Sara remembered how Boby looked like he genuinely loved her mother and indeed her herself and couldn't live without them. He was a wreck without Libby. He said he never had and never could love any woman as much as Libby and they were soul mates. He said he loved Sara and was sorry he hurt her but it just happened and it would never happened again. And it did never happen again. Boby never picked Sara up in that fashion again.  
  
Sara remembered how whenever her parents would sing 'Dream a little dream of me' to her she'd pretend to fall asleep and they'd start singing it to each other. It was so sweet. Sara would half open her eyes to peek at them. They looked so in love with each other. Even her dad looked genuinely in love with Libby.  
  
Sara remembered how one time when she was five years old. She hadn't been able to sleep because her parents had been arguing. But now the arguing had appeared to have stopped and so Sara thought it would be safe to get a glass of water to help her sleep. To get to the kitchen you had to pass the living room. So Sara did. But Boby noticed her passing by and called out to her.  
  
"Baby girl?. What are you doing?" he asked slightly peeved but fairly tolerant.  
  
She felt a chill ran down her spine.  
  
"I wanted some water. Can I have some water, please daddy?" Sara asked.  
  
"Of course you can" her dad replied as if it was a silly question.  
  
Sara walked into the living room and saw Boby was sitting drinking a gin. He was looking down at Libby who was lying unconscious on the floor. Sara gasped when she saw Libby. She ran over to her mother and on the verge of tears asked,  
  
"Is mummy dead?" Sara asked horrified.  
  
"No, of course not. Don't be silly. Do you really think I'd let her die?. Now come on, your never reach the taps at your height! - I'll get you the water. How exactly did you plan to reach the taps yourself?" he asked her.  
  
Sara didn't answered she was too worried about her mom.  
  
"Baby girl?. Helloooo?" Boby responded annoyed and trying to distract her.  
  
"Ummm, I was going to use a chair" Sara replied.  
  
"Clever girl. Now come on, do you want that drink or not?" Boby responded.  
  
"Should we call an ambulance?" Sara asked concerned.  
  
"No!. I told you she's fine!. Now leave her alone and come and get some water and then go to bed!. Your be able to see her up and about in the morning!" Boby shouted.  
  
Sara burst into tears.  
  
"Please don't shout me. I don't like it when you shout" Sara cried.  
  
Boby calmed down and became nicer. He came over an put an arm round her,  
  
"I'm sorry, pumpkin. Sorry. Forgive daddy. Yeah?" he gestured.  
  
He took Sara fingers and put them on Libby's neck.  
  
"Look, feel that?. Like a heart beat?. It means mummy's alive. Believe me now?" Boby said sweetly to her.  
  
Suddenly Libby started moving. Sara was delighted she hugged her mother ecstatically. Libby was trying to work out where she was. Sara turned round and started shouting at her dad,  
  
"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" she shouted.  
  
Boby raised his hand like he was going to hit Sara. Libby immediately jumped over and covered Sara. Boby accidentally hit Libby round the head instead of Sara. Libby couldn't take a another blow and collapsed landing on top of Sara.  
  
Sara was underneath screaming and crying. Boby sighed and rolled Libby off Sara.  
  
"I'm losing my patience with you, baby girl. Do you want that glass of water or not?!?" Boby said sternly.  
  
Sara said nothing she just kneeled down and she stroked her mom. Boby stormed off and returned with a glass of water. He then grabbed baby girl's wrist and put her into her room. He then gave her the water, left the room and slammed the door behind him. Sara couldn't sleep all night. She just cried and worried all that night.  
  
Finally she remembered her conversation with her father earlier.  
  
"Sara, you need me. You're upset about Alaney. I'm here for you" she remembered him proposing.  
  
"I'm going to donate.So I don't know why you're all getting so upset!" she remembered Boby shouting.  
  
"You really need to stop getting so emotional about that kid, Sara!" she remembered him saying.  
  
"You ruined my life!" Sara remembered crying.  
  
"Am I meant to care?" she remembered Boby asking sarcastically.  
  
Sara went into another hysterical crying fit. She took her fourth glass of vodka. Her drugs and drink binge was getting more and more serious. She was quite drunk but still undecided as to whether she wanted to end it. She got out another c.d. and put it on. This time it was 'I'm alright' by the Stereophonics.  
  
("I'll drink another drink for you. One, two, three, four, five. Once I drank a fish alive,  
  
I'll drop another pill for you. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Did it before, do it again  
  
I'll tell another joke you for you. Did you hear the one about the one that looks like you.  
  
I'll sleep. We'll sleep the rounds for you. Why don't you scratch my back and chew the tongue I chew?. Ahhhhhh. I'm alright. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. I'll tell another lie for you. Tell you what you want to hear but that don't make it true. I'll wear another smile for you. That way you'll know I'm fine and having fun with you. I'll draw another line for you. That way you'll know I'm hip, that way you'll know I'm cool. I'll smoke another smoke for you. I'll blow back in your mouth and you can blow back too. Ahhhhhh. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. Ahhhhh. Ahhhhh. I'm alright. You gotta go there to come back. I'll take another punch for you. Tie my hands behind my back that way you cannot lose. I'll make another pound for you. So you can drive your motor car and drive you to the moon.)  
  
Again she sang along. She shouted along to particularly relevant words. When she got to the line "Did you hear the about the one who looks like you" Sara looked a picture of Alaney then screamed and threw it across the room. Then she began to run a bath. She was too drunk to realize the danger it entailed. But deep down she had now decided to play Russian roulette with her drinks and drugs. She had decided to take only one more valium pill and have 1 more glass of vodka and then no more. She decided that if that amount killed her she didn't care. But if it didn't kill her she didn't mind either. She was going to let fate, or at least science, decide. She toasted her absent father and drank her final glass when the line "I'll drink another drink for you" came up. She took her final pill when the line "I'll drop another pill for you" came up. Eventually her head swirled and swirled. She stumbled round drunkenly and angrily singing. When the bath had finished running she got in.  
  
("Ahhh. Ahhhh. I'm alright. Ahhh. Ahhh. I'm alright, alright. Happy, you're free, alright. Love, pain, sun, rain, alright")  
  
At first, she was fine. But gradually she lost consciousness and began to fall down under the water, leaving the song playing on. As she did she was hit by a fast montage of images and memories from her childhood. Good and bad. Everything just seemed to swirl.  
  
Thankfully, Sara wasn't under the water for long before her mother came crashing in - dragging her up just in time.  
  
"Baby girl!. Baby girl!" Libby kept screaming.  
  
Libby performed CPR as soon as she'd got Sara on the floor. Sara regained consciousness pretty quickly and started to cough up. Libby hugged her ecstatically relieved.  
  
"Oh baby girl! You're alright!. Thank goodness! Thank goodness!" Libby exclaimed.  
  
Libby sat Sara on the sofa with a blanket round her.  
  
"What were you trying to do? Kill yourself?" Libby asked hysterical.  
  
"I don't know" Sara replied zombified.  
  
Libby put an arm round her wet and shaken daughter. Libby was shaking herself but not from cold. Silent tears began to run down Libby's face.  
  
"What happened darling?" Libby asked.  
  
Sara said nothing.  
  
"Why did he upset you so much if nothing dodgy happened?" Libby asked.  
  
"He just said really horrible things!. He said he didn't care about ruining my life!. He was just so uncaring, mom!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Sara burst out crying.  
  
"I thought you'd agreed to stop doing this, Sara!. Oh my! - If I had come a minute later I don't want to think bout what would have happened!. Don't ever do that to me again!. I need you, Sara!. Alaney needs you!. We all need you!" Libby told her.  
  
The phone rang. They left it. The answer phone picked it up. It was Sara's dad .Sara clung to her mom in fear.  
  
"Listen slut pick up the phone!. If you tell your mother anything dodgy happened - which it didn't, Libby! - then I will hunt Alaney down and kill her understand?. Then I'll hunt you and your mother down and kill you both too. And if either of you attempt to go near a police station - well, let's just say you won't make it there!. Understand?" Boby shouted.  
  
"Such a pleasant man, your father" Libby commented sarcastically.  
  
A minute later, the phone rang again.  
  
"Baby, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all those things. I'm sorry. Daddy loves you. I love you too, Libby. Are you there Libby?. Call me if you are. We need to talk" Boby said.  
  
Libby thought to herself and then got. She picked up Sara's phone and dialed Daven's cell phone.  
  
"Oh Daven thank goodness your there!. Can you come round?. Your dad's really upset Sara and I think she tried to top herself. Plus I think Boby might come round and try to scare us. Daven, I can't do this alone. Please can you come round?. Oh thank you, sweetie. I love you" Libby exclaimed.  
  
Sara had gone over to the c.d. player and put wild horses on. Libby knew exactly what Sara wanted. Libby came over cuddled Sara up in her arms and sang the words to her. Sara smiled through her tears. Libby stroked her daughter's face and smiled reassuringly at her baby. Libby stared Sara right into the eyes and sang it to her as if the song was written specially for Sara. Libby treated her like she was still her little six year old girl again - but this time Sara didn't mind, she loved it.  
  
("Childhood living is easy to do. The things that you wanted I bought them for you Graceless lady, you know who I am. You know I can't let you just slide through my hands. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild horses, Couldn't drag me away. I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain. Now you decided just to show me the same No sweeping exits or offstage lines, Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild horses, Couldn't drag me away. Faith has been broken and tears must be cried, Let's do some living after we die. Wild Horses, Couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away. Wild, wild Horses, we'll ride them someday. Wild, wild horses, We'll ride them someday")  
  
Libby began silently crying when "I watched you suffer a dull aching pain and now you've decided to show me the same" came up and then when "let's do some living after we die" came up. Sara joined in the third chorus and they sang it together. Then Libby sang the whole song all over again to Sara and Sara eventually fell asleep.  
  
Twenty minutes later, Sara was awoken by Libby and Daven's voices. Libby and Daven were stood in Sara's kitchen staring over and talking about her.  
  
"What do you mean you don't know if she tried to top herself?. Either she did or didn't?" Daven whispered.  
  
Sara got up and Libby walked over to her. Libby put an arm round Sara and Sara laid her head down on Libby's shoulder.  
  
Libby looked concerned.  
  
"Sara, darling. I think it's time we go to the police" Libby suggested reluctantly.  
  
Sara was startled and got up with a start.  
  
"What?. No!. No way!. I will never let you go!. How can you say that?. I thought you understood!. You gotta stop suggesting that!. I will kill myself for certain - I promise you! - if you go to the police!. Understand?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Darling, this has gone on for long enough!. Come on this is the fourth time you've tried to kill yourself. Threatening to kill yourself isn't much of a threat at the moment!. It looks like your going to try kill yourself anyway. You can't honestly be happy with the situation?. You need to put him away darling. You've got to!" Libby commented.  
  
"Don't you love dad anymore?" Sara accused her mother.  
  
"What?. Do you think this is easy for me?. I've been with that man for all of my adult life and I'm getting old honey!. We were meant to be soul mates. I love him Sara but I love you more. Your well being comes first. He is the bad guy after all. I love him but I don't like him. I don't particularly want to be with him" Libby replied sobbing.  
  
Sara got up and opened a random drawer nearby and brought out a knife. Libby gasped.  
  
"Put that down!" Daven shouted.  
  
"You said as long as it was a one off you wouldn't go to the police!. He hasn't done anything dodgy before or since so why are you breaking your promise?" Sara shouted at her mother.  
  
"I never promised, Sara!. That agreement was between me and your father. I just want to keep you from killing yourself but if your going to do it anyway then there's no point!. At least this way you might actually be less likely. You need to deal with this Sara!. And the only way that will happen is if we put him away" Libby explained.  
  
"Give me the knife, Sara. I know you don't really want to do this. Think clearly about what your doing" Daven firmly pleaded with her.  
  
Daven held out his palm for Sara to give him the knife and Sara did. Libby and Daven sighed wit relief. Sara broke down into tears and fell into her mother's arms.  
  
"Please mom!. Please don't!. Everyone will stare at me and talk about me!" Sara whaled.  
  
"Only because they love you, darling" Libby reassured her.  
  
"People will say I deserved it!" Sara whaled.  
  
"No one will!" Daven responded.  
  
"People might not believe me!" Sara whaled again.  
  
"The evidence is pretty damning" Daven responded.  
  
"Please don't go to the police!. Please!. I promise I'll never try and commit suicide again - just as long as you don't go to the police!" Sara pleaded.  
  
Libby sighed and nodded.  
  
"O.k." Libby agreed.  
  
"What?!?" Daven responded.  
  
"Daven don't!. It's up to, Sara" Libby told him.  
  
"Thank you! Thank you!" Sara exclaimed relieved.  
  
Daven sighed, came over and put an arm round Sara.  
  
"What did he do to upset you?. Do you want me to go teach him a lesson?" Daven proposed angrily.  
  
"No!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Sara pushed him off and looked at him horrified.  
  
"Your just like him!. Like father like son!. Always using violence to get things done!. Get out Daven!. Get out right now!. I don't want to see your hypocritical face anymore!" Sara exclaimed pushing him off.  
  
"It's the only language he understands, Sara!" Daven insisted.  
  
"How can you say that?" Sara asked.  
  
"Daven. Two wrongs don't make a right. An eye for an eye.." Libby explained.  
  
"And the whole world would go blind!. Yes I know!" Daven said unimpressed.  
  
Daven walked over to the vodka and valium bottle on the table. He picked them up. He then went over to Sara's sink and poured the vodka down it.  
  
"Libby. Come here a second" Daven told her.  
  
He offered her a valium tablet.  
  
"Want one before I chuck them out?" Daven whispered.  
  
"No, no it's o.k. I have my own herbal calmers" Libby told him and showed him her bottle from her bag.  
  
Libby turned to Sara,  
  
"You should be herbal calmers not valium!. It will pollute your body!" Libby lectured.  
  
"I know for a fact you've taken valium, mother. So don't be a hypocrite!" Sara snapped bitterly.  
  
Libby took two herbal calmers and then gave the rest of the bottle to Sara to keep.  
  
"The doctor shouldn't be prescribing you that when your suicidal. Didn't you tell the doctor your suicidal?" Libby asked annoyed.  
  
"No. Only once in a blue moon do I try to end it" Sara informed her.  
  
"Once in a blue moon's too much!. Just don't let another blue moon come too soon!" Libby responded.  
  
"I also know for a fact that your suicidal. So stop lecturing me!" Sara shouted.  
  
"You've got your father's temper" Libby commented.  
  
"No I don't!. Don't say that!" Sara screamed at her.  
  
"Well, stop acing like him then" Libby suggested.  
  
"I am nothing like him" she replied annoyed but calmer.  
  
Sara sat back down and calm down a bit. She looked at the herbal bottle and smirked.  
  
"I could probably O.D. on these too, you know - Herbal or not" Sara commented to scare her mom.  
  
Her mother gave her an unimpressed face.  
  
Daven and Libby started whispering in the kitchen for a while. Sara just sat there daydreaming. After a while she turned to her mom and asked,  
  
"Mom?. Can you come over here?. I want to ask you something".  
  
Libby's heart sank. This didn't sound good. It sounded serious.  
  
Despite her hesitations Libby came over to the sofa, put an arm round her daughter and prepared to listen.  
  
"What is it darling?" Libby asked reluctant and scared.  
  
Sara sighed and looked worried herself.  
  
"I suppose I kind of know the answer. But I've always been too scared to ask you" Sara commented  
  
Libby's heart starting beating fast 'Oh no! What was it going to be?' Libby wondered.  
  
"But, I'm pretended for the answer now. I just need to know the truth now" Sara explained.  
  
Libby and Daven exchanged worried looks.  
  
"As me what, darling?" Libby asked with nervous laugh.  
  
Sara turned and looked Libby right in the face and said,  
  
"How did Dad react when you told him you were pregnant with me?" Sara asked.  
  
Daven gave out a great laugh. Libby's face just dropped.  
  
"Stop it, Daven!" Libby told him off.  
  
"I knew it!. He wanted to get rid of me didn't he?" Sara took it in.  
  
Libby grabbed Sara's hand.  
  
"You father loves you a lot. He doesn't regret your existence" Libby reassured her.  
  
"But he did, didn't he?" Sara asked.  
  
"It was a shock to him. He didn't think it was going to happen. He thought I'd done it deliberately or that you were someone else's kid" Libby explained.  
  
"Tell me the exact conversation!. Tell me exactly how he reacted!"  
  
"Sara, it doesn't matter. He loves you" Libby told her.  
  
Sara paused.  
  
"Then why does he hurt me?" Sara asked.  
  
Libby paused and sighed.  
  
"I don't know. But I do know that's not the reason. It was just a blimp!. A shock!. A knee jerk reaction!. He loves you - I know he does!. The only reason I can think of is that he loves his fun more than he loves us. But you already knew that" Libby told her.  
  
"Just tell me the exact conversation. I just want to know. To understand him better" Sara pleaded.  
  
"O.k." Libby agreed.  
  
It was a cold February morning in the year of 1971. Freshman Elizabeth 'Libby' Linton was roaming the University of Berkeley medicine school's corridors looking for her boyfriend Robert 'Boby' Sidle. They had met at this very university six months previously. She had got immediately involved in the 'non conformist movement' as soon as she joined Berkeley. Boby was a member too and recognised her immediately. They had met a few times before as their parents went to the same church back home in San Francisco. Libby was not only relieved to know someone but also delighted it was Boby because she had always fancied him a lot. What she hadn't know at the time was he had fancied her too. Now finally at college the two love birds had gotten together. It had seemed like love at first sight for both of them. But they only admitted their love to each other one month, nineteen days and eleven hours ago. At this precise time point in time though Libby was plagued with worry over her current situation - but she decided to hide it from her boyfriend when she finally found him.  
  
"Boby!. Boby!. Thank goodness I found you!. I have fantastic news!" Libby exclaimed pretending to be excited.  
  
"What?" Boby asked excited.  
  
"I'm pregnant" Libby announced pretending to be delighted.  
  
Boby's smile dropped like a lead balloon.  
  
He said nothing for a while. But Libby could tell by the look on his face that he wasn't taking it well.  
  
"Oh" he eventually responded.  
  
He began to walk off and Libby followed after him.  
  
"Boby, come back where are you going?. We need to talk" Libby declared.  
  
He stopped and turned back to face her.  
  
"Whose is it?" he asked.  
  
"Yours silly!. Remember? - we promised to stay faithful to one another for one whole month as a sign of our admitting our love for one another. You haven't done it have you?!?. Never mind. Anyway - That was a month ago!. I'm a month pregnant!" Libby explained.  
  
Boby was not impressed.  
  
"Do you enjoy doing this Libby?. Is this some kind of game to you?" Boby asked.  
  
"Game?" Libby asked.  
  
"Are you trying to mess with my head?" Boby asked.  
  
"Of course not!. You think I really want this?" Libby replied.  
  
"Get rid of it then" he snapped.  
  
"Boby. I can't" Libby responded.  
  
"Why because of your mother?" Boby asked annoyed  
  
"No, of course not. If I had no life - it would the perfect thing to do just to annoy her!" Libby responded.  
  
"What then?. Your Catholic instincts are preying on you now?" Boby asked sarcastically.  
  
"Don't be silly!. I don't have Catholic instincts, Boby - you know that!. It's just. Ohhh. This could work, Boby. I love children. I want to be a mother. And it could really bring us closer together, Boby. And also well frankly - yeah o.k., this is a human life - I can't bear to get rid of it. But that doesn't mean I have any Catholic instinct or anything, o.k.?. I just can't bear to get rid of a human life, Boby" Libby explained pleading with his heart.  
  
Boby grabbed her wrists and pulled her up to his face.  
  
"I could get rid of it if you can't!" he threatened angrily.  
  
"You wouldn't!" Libby responded.  
  
Boby let go of her and sighed in frustration  
  
"Answer me!. Did you do this on purpose?" Boby asked.  
  
"Of course not!" Libby replied.  
  
"So how on earth did you get pregnant when your meant to be on the pill, you stupid girl?. Shall I tell you how? - because you did it deliberately!" Boby said furious.  
  
"Why would I?" Libby asked.  
  
"To trap me into a commitment with you?. Make me marry you. I won't!" Boby responded.  
  
"I don't want to ever marry anyone!. We could be together for a lifetime and I still wouldn't marry you!" Libby informed him.  
  
"Fine. You just wanted a baby and you knew I wouldn't agree" Boby proposed accusationally.  
  
"No! it's not like that!. It was an accident, Boby!. You got to believe me!. Remember those antibiotics I was on?. Well, I didn't realise at the time but - well, it makes the pill useless!" Libby explained.  
  
"Oh, you stupid girl!" Boby shouted.  
  
"I'm sorry it was a mistake!" Libby pleaded.  
  
"Yeah, well it's your mistake!. It's not my problem. Either get rid of that kid or look after it by yourself. If you have that kid we're over, Libby. You decide!" Boby ultimatumed.  
  
Boby walked off.  
  
"But Boby!. I thought you loved me!. You said you wanted to be with me forever!. How can you just give up on us so easily?" Libby pleaded calling after him on the verge of tears.  
  
Boby continued walking off  
  
"Well fine!. Stuff you!. We don't need you anyway!" Libby shouted after him.  
  
She thought to herself and then ran after him. When she caught up with him she spun him round and started shouting at him.  
  
"Did you treat Linda like this when she told you she was pregnant?. Did you?" Libby shouted after him furiously.  
  
Boby stopped and turned.  
  
"You don't get it. Linda didn't matter. We were never together. She meant nothing to me. But with you!. I loved you!. You've mucked up everything up!. We were meant to be together forever. We can't be now" Boby declared.  
  
He walked off again.  
  
As soon as Boby was out of sight Libby burst into tears. She expected him to react badly but not that badly. What was she going to do?. She had to choose between the love of her life and an innocent foetus she had already fallen deeply in love with.  
  
"So what did you do?. How did you change his mind?" Sara asked her mother.  
  
"That's the thing" Libby replied. "Two days later, just out the blue. He came over in floods of tears and with lots of gifts apologising profusely. He said he couldn't bare to lose the love of his life. He said he couldn't imagine ever being with anyone else. And finally he said that not only could he live with bringing up a child but he actually wanted this child. He said there was no one else he'd rather have a child with. He said that he just wished it had been when we were older. Then we agreed it was a plus because it was a fantastic way to annoy our parents!. The one sign of true rebellion against our parents - have an illegimate child" Libby told her.  
  
Sara laughed.  
  
"I don't need to ask how your parents reacted. I can guess!" Sara laughed.  
  
"We didn't decide to leave college until just one month before the new academic year begun. Again our parents weren't best pleased. We run away to a commune and moved in together. We raised you as a family and he was perfectly happy with that then. He doesn't regret having you darling. He loves you very much. He just needed to see you when you were born to understand how much he would love you" Libby explained.  
  
"Of course, along with the apology came a firm refusal to marry me. I explained to him again that that was the last thing I wanted to do and we agreed. We agreed right up until you were five when we decided that we both wanted to get married. Our parents didn't force us and we both agreed that we wanted to do it. You haven't ruined our lives, Sara. We love you and have always wanted you. And they all lived happily ever after. The end" Libby commented.  
  
Sara paused for thought, too it all in and sighed.  
  
"I just don't know what to think anymore, mom. There have been times when I swear he hasn't been faking loving us. But it just doesn't match some of his behaviour" Sara whined.  
  
Libby hugged Sara into her.  
  
"I know darling. I know. I'm confused too" Libby agreed.  
  
Sara thought to herself.  
  
"We can't hurt him or send him to jail anyway. We need his kidney" Sara commented.  
  
"Very true" Libby remembered.  
  
"So we do nothing again?" Daven asked.  
  
Libby put an arm round both Sara & Daven and they lay their heads on her shoulders.  
  
"I'm sorry love but basically - yeah!" Libby replied to his question.  
  
Daven and Libby stayed up with Sara all that night. Even the next day they didn't attempt to leave her alone until they were convinced she was calm and not going to try to do anything stupid again. Several hours after leaving Daven decided to return. He and Libby agreed that he should live with Sara at least until Alaney had come out of hospital. 


	32. Mummy dearest

"Beep Beep Beep" went Alaney's life support machine as Sara sat by Alaney's bedside.  
  
Alaney stirred and began to awake. Sara smiled.  
  
"Morning gorgeous" Sara gestured.  
  
"Sara" Alaney weakly acknowledged.  
  
"You did it. Your body's accepted the kidney" Sara sweetly confirmed gladly.  
  
"How's dad?. He made it didn't he?" Alaney asked weakly.  
  
"He's fine unfortunately. Don't worry about him" Sara commented.  
  
"You don't mean that" Alaney challenged her.  
  
"I don't know what I think anymore" Sara replied.  
  
"He did risk his life for me for without blackmail" Alaney added.  
  
"Yeah. Anyway. Forget about him. Let's concentrate on getting you well enough to come out of hospital. O.k.?" Sara proposed.  
  
Alaney smiled in agreeance.  
  
"I love you, you know" Sara declared as she stroked Alaney's face.  
  
"Don't get all mushy, Sidle", Alaney joked, "Or should I say sis?".  
  
Sara gave a small laugh and gripped Alaney's hand tighter.  
  
After a few moments, Alaney asked,  
  
"Sara?".  
  
"Yeah?" Sara replied.  
  
"Your going to make a great mom one day, you know" Alaney gestured.  
  
Sara smiled and kissed Alaney's forehead.  
  
Alaney was out of hospital two weeks after the operation. A week after Alaney's release Sara had to return to work. So their cousins Michelle and Janey came down to help out. It was one day during that visit that Michelle had an attack of conscience. She decided that Alaney, but not the whole world, needed to know (at the very least) that Sara was her mother. Michelle knew Alaney. She knew that Alaney would understand and they could live happily ever after. Michelle believed she was doing what was best. Michelle knew the issues abandonment had caused Alaney and now finally Alaney could have the relationship with her natural mother that she had always yearned for and needed. Once Michelle had made the decision to tell Laney there was no going back for her. She was adamant she was going to do it. She just needed to find the right time and the right level of sensitivity. So when Michelle found herself alone in Sara's apartment with Alaney one afternoon, because Sara and Janey had gone shopping, Michelle saw the perfect opportunity.  
  
"Shall we put my album on?" Michelle asked.  
  
Laney laughed.  
  
"Does your ego need anymore boosting, Linton?" Laney laughed.  
  
Michelle laughed.  
  
"There's something I want to show you. Well tell you. I think you need to know something" Michelle replied.  
  
"What?" Alaney asked curious.  
  
"Listen to these tracks first" Michelle explained.  
  
"Why them?" Laney asked.  
  
"Because Sara wrote or inspired them" Michelle replied.  
  
"Oh yeah. Her mystery man. You gonna tell me who it is?" Laney laughed.  
  
"Yeah. But it's not a man" Michelle replied flippantly.  
  
Alaney looked shocked.  
  
"Oh" Alaney responded as she interpreted what she thought Michelle was trying to say.  
  
Alaney had taken what Michelle had said the wrong way.  
  
Alaney tried to take this revelation in.  
  
"Well that explains a lot. Umm, why didn't she tell me?. She knows I'll be cool with it. I mean Miranda was a lesbian. I'm used to it. I'd be more likely to understand than you. Well, did she tell you and not me?. She's my cousin I'll love her no matter what she is. In fact no! she's my sister!. Even more so!" Alaney asked.  
  
"You think she's a lesbian?", Michelle asked worried, "No, Laney. I don't think you understand".  
  
Michelle paused for thought. She tried to explain what she was trying to say.  
  
"The songs are about you. You're the one she's so in love with" Michelle told her.  
  
Michelle thought she was explaining herself quite well.  
  
Alaney reacted less well to this piece of news. She didn't look impressed. She wasn't 'o.k.' with this revelation.  
  
"Why didn't anyone tell me?. Who told you?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Sara did. I'm sorry. She and all our family made me promise not to tell you or anyone. It's been killing me though. I know you have a right to know. I'm so sorry. I just thought. You need to know now!" Michelle explained.  
  
"It's not your fault. It's not her's either. I don't blame her. But!" Alaney mumbled.  
  
"Thank goodness for that!. You see I knew you'd understand and now you can both live happily ever after. You've both got what you wanted. She was scared before but now she really does want you. I know she does" Michelle explained.  
  
"No!. Michelle you don't understand!. I'm not like that!. Just because Miranda was doesn't mean I am by environment or just because Sara is it doesn't mean I am by genetics. I don't care if Sara's a lesbian but I'm not. And I'm sorry but I don't feel comfortable being around her anymore if she feels that way!" Alaney protested.  
  
"You think Sara fancies you?" Michelle asked worried.  
  
"She doesn't just fancy me!. She's in love with me!. You heard the song" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
Michelle was concerned.  
  
"Yeah she loves you, but" Michelle tried to say but was interrupted.  
  
"But she's my sister! - I know!. Oh my goodness!. That's why Miranda sent me to live with her. That's why she chose till I was 18. She waited until I was mature enough to make my own decision!. But the poor thing didn't know that she was my sister!. It all makes sense!. That's why Boby and Libby didn't want me near Sara. Boby was just trying to protect his daughter Sara. He doesn't know me but he's brought her up. It's hurts but at least he has a heart for one of his daughters!" Alaney talked it through to herself.  
  
"Alaney wait!. Listen to me!. You've" Michelle tried to get her attention.  
  
"That's why Sara was so in two minds about me!. That'd why she avoided me sometimes and looked so in love with me at other times. I knew she wanted to show me love but something was stopping her. How did I not see it?. Oh that poor thing!. I do feel sorry for her but I'm not and she's - she's my half sister!. That's incest to even think it!. She must not have found out I was her sister until it was too late. Oh that's terrible!. Irony hey!. But then again, apparently you fall those who look like you" Alaney talked it through to herself.  
  
"Alaney please listen to me!" Michelle protested. "What is it?" Alaney snapped out of it.  
  
Michelle gulped.  
  
"I never said she was a lesbian or that she has those kind of feelings for you" Michelle commented.  
  
"You never said it wasn't true though. So, tell me. Is it true?" Alaney demanded.  
  
Michelle paused and thought to herself.  
  
"Look just forget what I said. You're still recovering. I should never have said anything. You shouldn't be stressed" Michelle suggested.  
  
"Am I right or wrong, Michelle?" Alaney demanded.  
  
"I'll tell you everything. The whole truth. But give it a week or two" Michelle informed her.  
  
"I can't just forget what you've said!" Alaney responded.  
  
"I'm not saying anymore. I'm sorry" Michelle insisted.  
  
"If it wasn't true. You'd deny it straight away. Is it true?. You can't not tell me" Alaney replied.  
  
Michelle kept quiet. She knew it wasn't true but she'd already said too much. She really regretted saying anything at all. Why didn't she think it through more thoroughly?. Sara was going to kill her. If Michelle denied Sara was a lesbian then Alaney would find out the truth and Michelle didn't want her to know anymore. It wasn't too bad if Alaney thought that anyway. Just for a week Michelle decided. She would just let her believe it for a week. Anyway, if Michelle never confirmed it then Alaney may not believe it. So Michelle kept quiet. Alaney took this as a yes.  
  
Alaney started to pace up and down the room.  
  
"What am I going to do?" Alaney worried.  
  
Michelle kept quiet.  
  
Alaney stopped.  
  
"I'm sorry. But I can't stay here. Not with her thinking those things about me. It's best if I go anyway. It will help her to stop thinking those things. It should stop the pain for her. Let her get on with her life. I'm not trying to hurt her, Michelle, I'm really not!. I'm fine with her being homosexual or bi or whatever she is. I'm just not fine with her having those feelings for me. You understand right?" Alaney half directed to herself and half at Michelle.  
  
If it didn't matter then why did Michelle feel so bad?. It pained her to let Alaney go on. But she couldn't do anything she reasoned with herself.  
  
"What do you mean you can't stay?. You can't go!. You only had a kidney transplant three weeks ago. You need to rest. You can't be moving. You definitely can't get on a plane to California!. Where are you going to go?. You need someone to look after you!. And you can't tell Sara!. Think how embarrassed she'll be if she thinks you think she has feelings for you. You wouldn't want to do that to her. Plus you can't tell her because she'll know I told you and she'll never forgive me. I was just trying to help and this is the thanks I get!" Michelle argued.  
  
"Don't worry. I've got the perfect plan. I just need a few days away from her to think things over, for now. And I know the perfect excuse. She won't suspect because she'll understand why I'm staying there so long. Plus they'll look after me because I'm the apple of their eye. Plus I already have some of my clothes there" Alaney explained.  
  
"Who?" Michelle asked.  
  
"Catherine?" Michelle asked.  
  
"Nope" Alaney asked playfully.  
  
Michelle thought to herself. Who could it be?. Then she realised.  
  
"Casey!" the pair said delighted in unison.  
  
Alaney stepped out the cab and approached Casey's apartment. She rang the bell. Casey opened. He was a handsome lad. He wore a casual jersey and smart trousers. He smiled as soon as he saw her.  
  
"Hello gorgeous" he said with a cheeky smile.  
  
She lifted up a bottle of champagne and replied,  
  
"After nearly two months of not being able to have sex or even sip a sip of alcohol in I am finally allowed to have some fun!. Want to celebrate?" she propositioned him playfully.  
  
"Come in" he agreed delighted.  
  
She threw her arms around his neck, lifted her legs round his waist and began kissing him.  
  
Alaney had met Casey while working at the coffee shop. It was nothing serious. Alaney hadn't even decided whether they were dating or not. She was going to tell Sara they were to make up an excuse for being away so long. But Alaney didn't know whether she wanted to or not. She didn't want anything too serious at her age unlike Michelle. She just wanted some fun. She definitely didn't want to move in with him permanently. But a little bit of romance beyond sex wouldn't be too bad. She knew he was besotted by her and she liked him allot. She just wasn't sure whether she wanted to be tied down in anyway great or small.  
  
"Are we dating?" Casey asked as they were sitting up in bed.  
  
Alaney's heart sank. She didn't want to go through this right now. She had enough on her mind. But she did discuss it with him. Eventually she agreed to a mild relationship. She agreed to going on more dates. She agreed to walking down the street with their arms round each other but no hand holding she demanded  
  
"Oh hey. I meant to ask. Can stay at yours for a few days?. Feel free to say no but it would be really helpful" Alaney told him.  
  
"Sure why?" Casey asked.  
  
"Sara and I are having problems. It's complicated. Just for a few days. I think I'll move out though" Alaney explained.  
  
"You wanna move in here?" Casey asked delighted.  
  
"No. Thank you but no. It doesn't sound very casual to me" Alaney answered.  
  
"Of course" Casey replied disappointed.  
  
Alaney groaned in frustration.  
  
"I thought Sara was finally gonna be some kind of family to me. But it's all gone wrong" Laney whinged.  
  
Alaney sulked.  
  
"Do you know what this incident makes me remember?" Alaney asked.  
  
"I don't even know what the incident is!. So no I don't know what it makes you think of or remember. But I'm sure your going to tell me" Casey laughed.  
  
"Oh sorry. All I ever do is complain about my life. I'm sorry. How are you?" Alaney responded.  
  
"No. Go on. I care. I do. I was just joking. Please tell me. What does it remind you of?" Casey asked concerned.  
  
Alaney paused and then continued,  
  
"It reminds me that I'll never know my natural mother" she admitted.  
  
"How?" Casey asked trying to stop himself laughing.  
  
"Sara was the nearest thing I ever had to a mother" Alaney said with all seriousness.  
  
Casey definitely didn't laugh this time. He found it so sweet. He put an arm around Laney to comfort her.  
  
"Oh Alaney. That's beautiful" he admitted.  
  
"But now. It can never be" Laney told him.  
  
"Why?" Casey asked.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it" Alaney replied.  
  
"I know she's too young to be my mom. But she looked after me like one. She's always been middle aged since a teenager. Plus she really loved me like a mom would" Alaney explained.  
  
"Well hey. How about that Miranda woman?. Wasn't she like a mom to you?. You used to call her mom" Casey suggested.  
  
"Never to her face. She loved me yeah but like an aunt would. She was never mom material" Alaney explained.  
  
"From what you said I didn't think this Sara was" Casey added.  
  
"Yeah it was surprising - but she is - she really is!. It's surprised everyone - even herself!. She's really good" Alaney replied.  
  
Casey had a idea. He was delighted because he was desperate to change the subject to a more positive note.  
  
"Hey. I've been meaning to mention this to you. I've been thinking about your situation . I have an idea of how to find your real mom" Casey told her.  
  
"Really?. That's brilliant. How?" Alaney asked excited.  
  
"You know that woman Miranda?" Casey asked.  
  
"Of course, I know her. She was the nearest thing to a mom I had growing up" Alaney replied.  
  
"Well, did she adopted you? Fostered you? Anything like that?. She must have because otherwise she wouldn't be allowed to keep you - I think" Casey asked.  
  
"She fostered me" Alaney replied.  
  
"Well, I had this idea. I'm pretty sure - but not 100%. You see. Well, umm. In order for Miranda specifically to foster you then your natural mother must have agreed to her specifically looking after you. I mean people who find babies don't just automatically get the child. So somewhere there must be papers with the name of your natural mother because she signed for you to go to Miranda. I'm not entirely sure but I'm pretty sure. Plus your eighteen now so I'm pretty sure your be allowed to see those papers" Casey explained.  
  
"Oh my goodness!. Of course!. You're a genius!. Oh I love you!. Well you know what I mean" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"I've got to go find those papers!. I have to call the fostering office in Tamales Bay. Is there one?. Or maybe the general registry in Tamales?. Or should I call a national registry or something?. Where can I find them?" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"Why don't you try Tamales Bay general registry first. I'm sure they'll at least re-direct you to the relevant place" Casey suggested.  
  
Alaney smiled, kissed his lips and called her friend in Tamales Bay. Her friend got the phone book out and gave her the number for the registry. Alaney got on the phone to Tamales Bay registry immediately, with Casey holding her hand by her side for some support. She explained her situation and what she was looking for. The registry said they'd do what they could and call her back. It took over two hours for them to call her back. It was a nerve-wracking time for Alaney. They had just sat there waiting on the sofa doing nothing except staring at the phone. The registry finally called saying they had been able to find the papers. Alaney was over the moon. Tamales registry proposed that they fax the papers to the Las Vegas registry and Alaney view them there. Alaney agreed grateful that she didn't have to go to California. The registry told her the address and told her to take identification along. Alaney couldn't believe how easy it had been.  
  
"Can I come?" Casey asked.  
  
"Sure. I mean I'd actually really appreciate it if you would. I could really do with some support right now and I'm not sure if I can trust any of my so called family" Alaney agreed.  
  
Casey got up to put his coat on and leave. But Alaney stopped him by touching his arm.  
  
"Casey. Thanks. You've been great. I've practically ignored you all day and I've moaned and whined and you've been really supportive. Thank you" Alaney thanked him.  
  
"What are boyfriend's for?" Casey laughed.  
  
"Stop that. Oh and another rule - I will not be your fashion accessory" Alaney told him.  
  
"I don't need you - I've got my pink fluffy feather boa as an accessory!" Casey joked.  
  
The pair laughed.  
  
An hour later, the pair stood waiting anxiously at the Las Vegas registry as the woman at the desk got Alaney her faxed over papers. The woman came back over. The woman asked for identification. Alaney handed her the identification. The woman handed the papers over to Alaney.  
  
"I can't look. You look first" Alaney panicked handing the papers over to Casey.  
  
"Are you sure?" Casey asked.  
  
"Yes. Just read them" Alaney insisted forcefully.  
  
Casey looked at them. He looked surprised.  
  
"What?. What do they say?" Alaney asked worriedly.  
  
"Umm, I think you should sit down" Casey suggested.  
  
"Does it say Boby isn't my father?" Alaney asked.  
  
"It doesn't say who the father is. But I can tell you it isn't your uncle Boby. I think I know why they said it was though" Casey explained.  
  
"They lied to me!. Thank goodness it isn't him!. How do you know though?" asked Alaney.  
  
"Because of who the mother is. Alaney sit down. I think I need to tell you gently. It's a good job you didn't look yourself" Casey calmed her.  
  
"How do you recognise the name?. Do I know them?. I knew it! - it's someone in Camp Cuckoo isn't it?" Alaney babbled.  
  
Casey sat Alaney down.  
  
"Who's the last person in the world you would think it could be?" Casey asked.  
  
"I don't know. This is no time for guessing games. Why?" Alaney snapped.  
  
"Alaney, Miranda sent you to live with Sara for a reason" Casey hinted.  
  
"Sara knows how to direct me to my mother doesn't she?. I knew it!. Maybe she lives in Vegas?. Who is it?. Is it a member of Sara's family?" Alaney asked.  
  
Casey gulped, took a deep breath, put an arm round Alaney to comfort her and handed her the papers.  
  
Once Alaney had seen what they said she just sat there shell-shocked. She couldn't take it in  
  
"There's got be some mistake. How is it even possible?. It can't be. She wouldn't. She couldn't" Alaney announced quietly in shock  
  
Alaney began crying and then fell into Casey's open arms crying She sat at that registry for half an hour just wailing with tears. 


	33. Vincit omnia veritasTruth conquers all

'Tick Tock. Tick Tock"  
  
Alaney sat around waiting on Sara's sofa for someone to come in.  
  
Alaney was quietly furious and in a bad mood. For her whole life she had  
been lied to by some of her closest friends and her actual family. She  
had spent her whole life sitting right beside her natural family and they  
never said a word.  
  
Deep down Alaney had always wished that her natural parents were looking  
for her. That her dad didn't know she existed and that her mom deeply  
regretted giving Alaney up but just couldn't find her. Those hopes were  
dashed now she knew the truth. Well, she knew the truth about her mom.  
Seeing as she was probably the result of some one night stand (as Alaney  
had always been told Sara didn't have a boyfriend till she was 18) then  
there was still hope for her dad not knowing her. But for now Alaney  
didn't have energy to think about her dad and whether he wanted her. Her  
life was in pieces. All she had ever known was a lie. The one person she  
had worshipped the most had betrayed. The last person she expected to do  
something so cruel as give a baby up had given her up. Alaney couldn't  
stop thinking about what how her life would change now. She reflected on  
the past - everything everyone has said to her and done. What was lies  
and what was the truth?.  
  
Finally at 2pm, Michelle came through the door.  
  
"Your back!. What are you doing here?. I thought you were staying at  
Casey's for a few days?. Why are you back?. Have you and Casey had a  
fight?" Michelle enquired surprised.  
  
Alaney said nothing. She was too angry with Michelle for knowing all this  
time.  
  
"Alaney? Hello? Earth to Alaney?" Michelle said.  
  
Michelle came over and sat by Alaney.  
  
"Are you o.k.?. Oh angel! You've been crying. What's wrong?. Is it your  
kidney?. Is it playing up?. Is that why your back?" Michelle asked.  
  
Michelle tried to put an arm around Alaney but Laney shrug her off her.  
  
Alaney stood up and confronted Michelle.  
  
"I came back because I realised Sara isn't a lesbian" Alaney told her.  
  
"Let me explain" Michelle insisted.  
  
"Go on. Tell me the truth. Tell me why she wrote those songs, Michelle.  
Surprise me!" Alaney challenged her.  
  
"O.k., Alaney calm down. Umm. You see Alaney, she wrote them about you  
because. Well, because" Michelle tried to think up an answer.  
  
"Go on. What lie are you going to invent this time, Michelle?" Alaney  
accused her.  
  
Michelle was shocked. What was wrong with Alaney?.  
  
"I know why don't I tell the truth, Michelle!?!" Alaney suggested  
angrily.  
  
Alaney got the piece of paper from the table and shoved it in Michelle's  
face.  
  
Michelle read it. She couldn't believe Alaney could find out Sara was her  
mother this way. Michelle didn't realise it existed. Michelle couldn't  
believe Alaney knew. What were they going do?.  
  
After a few moments of speechlessness, Michelle was relieved. This was  
brilliant Michelle decided.  
  
"Well, I'm glad you know!. Now you and Sara can get on with your life  
together. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you, Alaney. I've always  
thought you should know but" Michelle explained.  
  
"Save it Michelle. Your just as bad as her!" Alaney told him disgusted  
storming off to her room.  
  
"Wait Alaney - Don't be like that!. Come back and we can discuss it!"  
Michelle begged her.  
  
Michelle followed her. She entered Alaney's room to find Alaney had a  
suitcase out and was packing.  
  
"What are you doing?!?. Where on earth do you plan to go?. Alaney, wait  
stay, listen!. What are you doing?" Michelle exclaimed shocked.  
  
Michelle hadn't expected this scenario.  
  
"What does it look like?. I'm leaving. I'm leaving for good. I've called  
Catherine and she said I can stay with her. At least until I sort out  
where I'm going to live. I'm not living with Sara, Casey or any of my so-  
called family. I didn't tell her what happened. I just said I had a  
massive fight with Sara and it was over" Alaney explained.  
  
"Over?. What do you mean over?. She isn't your husband or your boyfriend!  
- she's your mother!. You can't just walk out of her life for good. Now  
you know who she is you need to start forming a parent and child  
relationship. This is the beginning not the end, Alaney!" Michelle  
exclaimed.  
  
"Sara isn't my mother and she never will be!. I'm sorry Michelle but if  
you were expecting me to play happy families with her then you were  
clearly mistaken!. Like I said it's over" Alaney declared.  
  
Alaney stormed out the room, without her bag, to get away from Michelle.  
  
"But why?" Michelle asked  
  
"Why?!?. Because she abandoned me at birth!. Because I was down her road  
the whole time and she never even told me the truth!. Because she didn't  
even apologise for ruining my life!. Thanks to her my whole life I have  
felt unloved, unwanted and unneeded. I mean nothing to anyone in this  
world. No one thinks about me at night. No one wishes to be close to me"  
Alaney told her.  
  
"Do you really think that?. That is completely untrue, Alaney!. Your  
biological family has yearned you since the day you were born and we have  
always made you feel welcome and wanted. Your mother has yearned you and  
desired to be with you every second of the day since you were born - but  
she couldn't. Hence the songs she wrote about you!. Do you know how many  
people come up to me and say that they wished someone loved them as much  
as the writer of those songs loved that person?. Do you have any idea  
just how much she loves you?" Michelle protested.  
  
"Yeah, not at all!" Alaney bite back.  
  
"Have you ever heard of the phrase 'You don't know what you have till  
it's gone?'. Yes parents may love their children - but to not have your  
child there! - I'd almost go as far as to say she loves you more than any  
normal parent loves their child!" Michelle protested.  
  
"Rubbish!. The only person she loves is herself. She's just like her  
father!" Alaney declared.  
  
Michelle was gob-smacked that Alaney would say that.  
  
"Take that back!. You know you don't mean it!" Michelle instructed her.  
  
Alaney said nothing. So Michelle continued.  
  
"On top of your family there are your friends!. And there's the many guys  
who are infatuated with you!" Michelle reminded her.  
  
"Rubbish! Those blokes just want sex!" Alaney claimed.  
  
"They want you, Alaney!. Your friends and those blokes they want you  
because you're amazing!. You have this amazing way of making everyone  
feel comfortable around you. You have a amazing compassion for your  
friends and even strangers. Which is why it surprises me that your  
treating Sara this way!. You're so intelligent!. You say intelligent and  
inspirational things!. Your fun, interesting, full of energy and everyone  
finds you fascinating. Everyone is infatuated with you, Alaney!. All  
Sara's colleagues find you amazing company and think you have an amazing  
mind. That weren't that inviting to Sara!" Michelle insisted.  
  
"That's because Sara's a freak. Plus she's self-centred. All she cares  
about is herself. I see that now!" Alaney said  
  
Alaney stopped feeling angry and just began crying,  
  
"She used to be my hero. I used to want to be just as clever as her. I  
used to want to be just as pretty as her. I used to want to go to the  
same college as her, have the same job as her. Be her!. I even wanted to  
have her mom!. My dream mom was Libby. Can you believe that?. Libby tried  
her best to avoid me. So did Sara. Yet I looked up to these people!. I  
was so blind!. Sara is a social misfit with the dress sense of a skunk!.  
She's insensitive" Alaney explained too upset to be angry.  
  
"No she's not!. She's really caring, compassionate and sensitive!"  
Michelle protested.  
  
Alaney had stopped crying and continued angrily,  
  
"As I was saying - Insensitive!, Self centred!. And did I mention  
misfit?. Why would I want to be like her?!?. She's a failure. Why would I  
want a mother who's a failure as a human being?!?" Alaney declared.  
  
Alaney paused and calmed down. She becomes less angry and more desperate.  
She only cried lightly this time though.  
  
"All Sara cared about was her life. She didn't care that I was a human  
being with rights and a life of my own. I don't know why she didn't just  
have an abortion! - it would have been more humane to me!" Alaney  
expressed.  
  
Alaney became angry again,  
  
"She didn't care about the fact that I was a human being as well as her.  
All she cared about was her good reputation, getting to her Ivy League  
college and getting her perfect career. If you choose to have sex then  
you have to take the consequences - you can't just give them away and  
ignore them. It's just a shame she didn't get a STD instead of a baby.  
That would have hit her more!. I wish she'd got a STD that made her  
infertile - to save the world from her being a mother to anything!"  
Alaney shouted.  
  
"What an immature thing to say!. Take that all back. You don't mean it. I  
know you don't!" Michelle sobbed.  
  
"The least she could have done was to put me in a normal family.  
Preferably a family who would adopt me and never tell me I was adopted so  
that I would never grow up feeling abandoned!" Alaney expressed.  
  
Alaney paused and burst into tears.  
  
"The least she could have done was tell me the truth. She could have told  
me she didn't want me but tell me out of courteous to save me the time  
and energy I've wasted wondering who my real mother was. Nobody seems to  
understand I'm a human being!. Everyone just seems to see me as something  
that has be locked away and forgotten about. If they ignore me,  
hopefully, I'll go away. Well congratulations. I'm going away. I'll never  
bother Sara, her parents, or your family again. I will disappear and none  
of you will need to hear from me!" Alaney declared.  
  
Alaney stormed into her room and picked up her bag. Alaney was getting  
ready to go out her bedroom door when Michelle came in hysterical floods  
of tears. Alaney tried to get passed but Michelle cried and cried and  
begged her not to go. Michelle wouldn't let her pass. Michelle was  
hysterical.  
  
"Please, no we love you!. We all love you! We really do!. We just want  
you all to be happy! - You, Sara, the Sidles. Please don't disappear!.  
Please!" Michelle begged.  
  
Alaney could tell Michelle was really upset. Michelle wanted her, at  
least.  
  
"I'm leaving Sara's. But I'll still make a place for you in my life if  
that's what you want" Alaney declared democratically.  
  
Alaney put her suitcase back on the bed and Michelle calmed down.  
  
"Sara loves you a lot, you know. She hasn't just abandoned you!. She made  
sure you had money, a loving home, a roof over your head, a loving  
community. She made sure you got a private schooling" Michelle told  
Alaney.  
  
"What?. I thought Miranda had been the one to get your grandmother to pay  
for that" Alaney told Michelle.  
  
Michelle laughed.  
  
"Your joking!. You don't know what the Sidles - Sara especially! - went  
through to get you the money for a private school!. Firstly, Sara tricked  
the Linton grandparents into paying for it. Then they found out and  
refused to pay. No offence but they only like to maintain their family  
and they didn't realise you were real family. So the Lintons refused and  
it was then that they started checking where the money they gave Libby or  
Sara went to. So Sara went along to the Sidle grandparents who she hardly  
sees!. She had to blackmail them by saying that their son had ruined her  
life by his bullying and treating Libby badly and consequently Sara had  
pursued a lifestyle that got her pregnant. So the Sidle grandparents  
eventually paid for it. Grandma Linton has never really been able to  
trust Sara again. Sara's still one of her favourites but that doesn't  
mean Grandma trusts her. So what do you say to that?. Still think Sara  
doesn't love you?" Michelle told her.  
  
Alaney thought to herself.  
  
"Sara did those things out of guilt!. And good she should feel guilty!.  
But I can't be bought by money!" Alaney declared.  
  
"Al" Michelle was interrupted.  
"Michelle, could you please leave the flat for a few hours. Sara will be  
in any minute and I need to speak to her alone, please" Alaney commanded  
rather than requested.  
  
Michelle nodded.  
  
"Will you really never forgive, Sara?" Michelle asked worried.  
  
Alaney thought to herself for a while and finally admitted,  
  
"If Sara says sorry for abandoning me and admits she was wrong - then we  
might be able to work something out".  
  
This gave Michelle a little hope. She hugged Alaney and left.  
  
Alaney sat on the sofa watching the clock for another hour before Sara  
came in. All that time Alaney was deciding what to say, how to feel, how  
to react. It was half past three before Sara returned. Alaney turned to  
look at the door as she heard the key turn in the lock. Sara smiled as  
she saw Alaney. It sent a shiver down Alaney's spine. This was the first  
time Alaney had seen Sara face to face since finding out the truth.  
Alaney's immediate desire was just to run away. She didn't want to deal  
with this. As Sara smiled at her Alaney didn't know what to think  
anymore. Did Sara really love her?. How much?. If she loved her then how  
could she treat her this way?. Was all Sara did and said just a lie?. Why  
pretend to like Alaney if she didn't?. Alaney turned to face away from  
Sara again and began to cry. She had been planning to stay strong but  
when the time actually came she couldn't help but fall apart.  
  
"Hello stranger. You decided to come home I see" Sara delighted.  
  
Sara came over and saw Alaney was crying. Sara was immediately concerned.  
Sara next to her and put an arm around her. Alaney was surprised when she  
actually felt the desire to let Sara do this but she fought it and  
shrugged Sara off moving away from her. Sara just thought she was  
rejecting help.  
  
"What's wrong?. Did you have a fight with your boyfriend?" Sara enquired.  
  
"Yeah because I'm a teenager and that's all we do!. Our whole life is  
dating. We just fuck and fight and fuck and fight" Alaney snapped.  
  
"Alaney?!?. It's not like you to use such harsh language!. I never said  
that. What's wrong?" Sara asked.  
  
"We don't have the intelligence for anything else because we're young and  
we wouldn't understand anything complicated. Isn't that what your teenage  
years were like, hey Sara?" Alaney shouted.  
  
"Ermm, no. My life tended to be study. What are you going on about?. I  
know you're really clever. And I know there's more to your life than your  
boyfriend. I just assumed that it was a fight. I'm sorry. What's wrong?"  
Sara asked.  
"In the real word there's more to life than fucking and fighting" Alaney  
commented angrily.  
  
"Alaney, stop saying that word" Sara demanded sternly.  
  
"Don't talk to me like you're my mother!. Because your not!" Alaney  
shouted.  
  
"Well someone needs to keep you in shape!" Sara remarked.  
  
"Miranda did a brilliant job thank you very much. So don't insult her!"  
Alaney shouted.  
  
"I wasn't" Sara defended.  
  
"Yeah, where was I. Oh yeah!. In the real world there's more to life than  
fucking and fighting. Because fucking has consequences, Sara!" Alaney  
reminded her.  
  
Sara came to her own conclusion.  
  
"Oh my goodness!. Your pregnant aren't you?. Oh my God!. Shit!" Sara  
reacted.  
  
"Don't swear, Sara!" Alaney remarked sarcastically.  
  
"What are going to do?" Sara asked worried.  
  
"If I were pregnant what would you suggest I do, Sara?. Hey?. Any  
suggestions?" Alaney asked.  
  
"How could you let this happen, Alaney?. Sex isn't just all fun and games  
- there are consequences!" Sara lectured her.  
  
"That's what I just said!" Alaney shouted.  
  
"It's a bit late to realise that!. This is a human life you've created,  
Alaney!. A human being!. Whatever decision you take it can't be taken  
lightly. I can't believe this!. Either you've got to kill it or your  
going to ruin its life. How are you going to support it, Alaney?. Hey?.  
Did you think about that when you weren't taking precautions?" Sara  
shouted.  
  
"How can you be such a hypocrite?!?" Alaney shouted.  
  
"What?" Sara asked not understanding.  
  
"Sara, my parents abandoned me at birth. I don't know my natural  
parents!. Throughout my whole life I have been followed by a shadow of  
feeling unwanted, unloved and un needed. Do you honestly think that I  
wouldn't think about the rights and feelings of an unwanted child?!?"  
Alaney reminded her.  
  
"Of course, I'm sorry" Sara apologised calmer.  
  
Sara put a hand on Alaney's shoulder.  
  
"Look don't worry I'll support you finically and we'll raise this child  
together if you want to keep it. I'm sorry. I was just angry. I thought  
you might not have considered the implications. It could have just as  
easily happened to me at your age. Sometimes accidents happen even when  
you take precautions, right?. I understand. I don't know much about  
raising babies or children but we'll learn together O.K.?. We can do  
this" Sara told her.  
  
"I'm not pregnant" Alaney admitted.  
  
"Alaney, there's no point lying to me" Sara tried to persuade her.  
  
"It's true" Alaney reiterated.  
  
"So what was all that about?" Sara asked.  
  
Alaney remained silent.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry but I have to say I'm glad you're not pregnant. You gave  
me the fright of my life then!" Sara declared.  
  
"I bet I did. De ja vu?" Alaney snapped.  
  
Sara thought to herself. What on earth could Alaney mean?. Then Sara  
realised.  
  
"Oh of course!. My mom was about your age when she had me. Definitely a  
good example. She was a really clever girl. She got straight A's in high  
school and at university. But when it came to motherhood she just  
couldn't do it. It took many years and many social services threats until  
she became a good enough mom. She was just too young. She's 51 now and  
she's suddenly realised how much of her youth she's lost by having me so  
young. She's 51 but she still feels 19. She feels like her life's just  
slipped away in the blink of an eye. She has no degree and she turned  
into the one thing she never wanted to be - a housewife. Of course my dad  
does a lot of housework too - but that's not the point" Sara explained.  
  
"So what? You think she should have given you away?. Do you really think  
your life would have been happier then?. Because let me tell you from  
personal experience how lucky you are that your natural parents kept  
you!. You have a family!" Alaney accused.  
  
Alaney paused and began crying quote heavily but silently.  
  
"You have the most amazing mother in the world!. Loads of people would  
kill to have your mother and all you ever do is complain about her!. She  
loves you with every single waking breath. And she spends every single  
waking breath of her life trying to make you happy!. Comforting you,  
singing to you, entertaining you, looking for stuff to make you, etcetera  
- the list goes on!. And yeah there were a few teething problems in the  
early years but get over it!. You weren't seriously injured or died or  
anything!" Alaney sobbed angrily.  
  
"Calm down, Laney. I'm not the enemy!" Sara calmed her.  
  
"Don't call me Laney!" Alaney snapped.  
  
"Your mother made you her whole life!. Do you realise how lucky you are  
to have a mother like that?. And I got nothing!. There was no one in my  
life who even resembled a mother!. Miranda was great and I'm not blaming  
her but she was never mother material. If I fell over Miranda would get  
a band-aid and put it on my knee - full stop. No comforting words, no  
kisses on the forehead, no wiping away my tears. She gave me plasters  
like they were a bowl of cereal. She didn't realise that kids needed to  
be comforted. She didn't have that in her. So don't you dare try and  
complain about how terrible your mother's neglecting you was. You seem to  
have done pretty well to me" Alaney explained.  
  
"I'm sorry" Sara apologised.  
  
After a while of silence Sara put an hand on Laney's shoulder and asked,  
  
"So if your not pregnant, why are you crying?" Sara asked concerned.  
  
"Are you feeling ill from the transplant?. Because it's o.k. to cry if  
you feel ill. You go for it. I'm here for you" Sara suggested.  
  
Alaney said nothing.  
  
"Do you want me to make you some hot cocoa?. That used to make you feel  
better when you were younger" Sara suggested.  
  
"How would you know?" Alaney snapped coldly.  
  
Sara was taken aback.  
  
"How about another hot drink?" Sara asked kindly.  
  
"Nope" Alaney replied coldly ad angrily.  
  
"Have you had lunch?" Sara asked.  
  
"No" Alaney replied.  
  
"How about I make you some? What would you like?" Sara asked.  
  
"Nothing. I'm not hungry" Alaney told her flippantly.  
  
"You must be - it's nearly four in the afternoon!" Sara declared.  
  
Alaney was silent just sitting in her furious mood.  
  
"Alaney, if your trying to avoid food again!. I won't let you have an  
eating disorder. I thought you'd stopped this!" Sara accused her.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Do you need to go to a proper clinic?. Is the counselling not enough?"  
Sara asked worried.  
  
"I said I am not hungry!. That doesn't mean I'm anorexic!. I just happen  
to feel nauseous!" Alaney shouted and stormed off into her room.  
  
Sara thought about going after her but decided it was best to let Alaney  
cool off. Alaney came out minutes later pulling her suitcase along. Sara  
laughed and didn't take it seriously.  
  
"What are you doing?. Oh put that down, you silly thing!. There's no need  
to over react, Laney!" Sara laughed flippantly.  
  
Alaney carried on going. Sara went over and stopped her.  
  
"Wait! Wait!. O.k. I'm sorry. I should have trusted you when you said you  
didn't have an eating disorder anymore. I'm sorry if I insulted you" Sara  
gestured.  
Alaney stopped and began crying.  
  
"It isn't that" Alaney told her.  
  
Alaney looked over towards the table where Michelle had placed the piece  
of paper down. Alaney gestured Sara to go over and look at it. Sara was  
confused but went over. She picked up the piece of paper and read it. As  
soon as she saw it she knew what it was. And lo and behold her name and  
signature was down on the bottom of the page as Alaney's mother. Sara's  
eyes widened like in a cartoon. She didn't need to read on. She knew that  
Alaney knew. Sara couldn't quite believe this was happening. How was she  
ever going to look Alaney in the face again?. Sara had to sit down. She  
wasn't sure if her legs could take it anymore. She put her hands in her  
face stressing. Her head just seemed to spin round and round with  
thoughts. Sara couldn't believe Alaney knew. Eventually, Sara got  
together the courage to go back over to Alaney's annoyed face. When Sara  
got to her she couldn't help but burst out crying. Sara wasn't sure quite  
what to say.  
  
"Laney" she blurted out desperately not sure what to say.  
  
"Save your explanations!" Alaney declared and began to leave.  
  
"Please stay let me make it up to you. We can start again" Sara begged.  
  
"It's too late!. It's 18 years too late!" Alaney shouted.  
  
"Where are you planning to go?" Sara asked sobbing.  
  
"I called Catherine. She said I could stay. Don't worry I didn't tell her  
about you. I just said we'd had a fight" Alaney informed her.  
  
"It doesn't matter. She already knows" Sara admitted ashamed.  
  
"What?!?. Does everyone know except me?. Who else knows?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Just Catherine and some of our family. I had to tell someone!" Sara  
admitted.  
  
"Ah poor little slutty Sara!. Oh and by the way they are not 'our'  
family. I am nothing to do with you guys. Biology doesn't make a family!"  
Alaney told her.  
  
Alaney began to head to the door with her suitcase but Sara tried to pull  
her back away from the door.  
  
"No please don't go!. I love you!. I really do!. I promise you!. I need  
you!" Sara protested.  
  
"You don't give a stuff about me!" Alaney sobbed as the tears multiplied.  
  
"That's not true, Alaney!" Sara insisted.  
  
Alaney put her bag down, turned and began having a go at Sara.  
"Shut up!. Just shut up!. I've had enough of all your lies!. It's my time  
to talk!. I have a few things to say to you missy. Firstly, do you have  
any idea how it felt to be told that Boby Sidle was my father when he  
wasn't?!?. Of all the people in the world to choose you had to lie that  
it was him!. He's an absolute pig!. He is the only person who I would  
hate to be my parent more than you!" Alaney cried.  
  
"I'm sorry" Sara sobbed.  
  
"Secondly, I think someone needs to sit you down and get you to face the  
fact that I am a human being too, Sara!. You think the whole world  
revolves around you. You think if you get rid of me and ignore me then  
I'll just go away like magic!. But I have feelings too, Sara!. Do you  
have any idea of psychological damage it did to me being abandoned?. You  
didn't care about me. You just wanted to get rid of me!" Alaney accused  
her.  
  
"Alaney you don't understand" Sara insisted.  
  
"Yes because the whole world revolves around you, Sara. Poor little  
Sara!. She couldn't cope!. Well what about poor Alaney?. The innocent  
newborn who couldn't fend for herself?. Poor little Sara shouldn't have  
been such a slut to get herself pregnant at fourteen!. Poor little Sara  
shouldn't have been so stupid!" Alaney shouted.  
  
"It's not that simple" Sara sobbed.  
  
"Oh sorry, isn't it?. You tell me about how complicated it is then Sara.  
Go on!" Alaney told her angrily.  
  
"My generation is different to yours" Sara insisted.  
  
"Oh here we go!. Well there's only fourteen years between us - it can't  
have been that different!" Alaney snapped.  
  
"Things like contraception, teenage pregnancy weren't talked about!. I  
didn't even think you could get pregnant your first time!" Sara claimed.  
  
"Rubbish!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"And frankly Sara, if you didn't understand the consequences then you  
shouldn't have had sex" Alaney added.  
  
"I know that but I was young" Sara insisted.  
  
"Well, if you were old enough to have sex!" Alaney shouted.  
  
"I'm sorry I made a mistake. I just made one mistake and I've been paying  
for it for the rest of my life. Everyone makes mistakes. Can't you  
forgive me for making one little mistake?" Sara asked.  
  
"It wasn't a little mistake!. It ruined my life!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"Look it's not my fault!. Loads of girls have sex at that age and don't  
get pregnant!. Plus I have an excuse - I came from a screwed up  
background!" Sara insisted.  
  
"Your not even going to take responsibility for it!" Alaney was  
astounded.  
  
"It wasn't my fault I got pregnant!" Sara insisted.  
  
"Who's fault was it then?!?" Alaney screamed at Sara in angry.  
  
Sara thought to herself. She didn't want Alaney to know the truth. Alaney  
hadn't even considered it for some reason. Maybe it was too hard to  
consider.  
  
"O.k. I'm sorry!" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Sorry for what?. For giving me up?" Alaney asked accusationally.  
  
Sara froze. She couldn't lie again. Alaney realised.  
  
"Your not even sorry for that are you?. After all this time. After all  
the pain you've seen it cause me. Your not even sorry!" Alaney exclaimed  
hurt and shocked.  
  
"Alaney, I did it for you" Sara sobbed.  
  
"I can't believe you!. Can you honestly say you did it for me?" Alaney  
shouted.  
  
Sara looked down in shame.  
  
"Partly" Sara told her.  
  
"Look I was young!" Sara insisted.  
  
"Stop saying that!!" Alaney screamed furious at her.  
  
Alaney calmed a bit to say,  
  
"Admit it. You just wanted to get rid of me".  
  
"Alaney listen" Sara pleaded.  
  
"Just admit it!!!!" Alaney screamed furious at her.  
  
Alaney calmed.  
  
"For once in your life, just tell me the truth!. Did you or did you not  
just want to get rid of me to anyone?" Alaney begged.  
  
"I wanted you to be safe. I wouldn't just give you to anyone!" Sara  
insisted.  
  
"But Miranda!. The least you could have done was given me to a loving  
family" Alaney suggested.  
  
"If I'd put you in care then you wouldn't necessarily be safe. You hear  
all these horror stories. I knew Miranda wouldn't hurt you. I could trust  
her" Sara told Alaney.  
  
"Oh yeah? And do you think I was safe with the person intend on killing  
me, your dad, living a few hundred yards from me?!?" Alaney responded  
  
Alaney saying this shocked Sara. Sara didn't quite know what to say. So  
she just began crying.  
  
"I didn't realise at the time it was going to try to kill you!. But  
that's another thing!. Alaney I couldn't have kept you!. My house isn't  
safe to grow up in. Goodness knows what my dad would have done to you  
growing up. My parents wouldn't even let me keep you in their house" Sara  
explained.  
  
"Move out" Alaney suggested angrily.  
  
"At fourteen!. How do you suggest I get a place? Support you financially?  
- Get a job at a burger bar?. Do you really think I could support you on  
that wage?. I even practically look after you all by myself!. I wouldn't  
even have anyone to ask how to bring you up. People who raise kids at 14  
have their parents or some thing to turn to!" Sara exclaimed defensively.  
  
"Well you should have thought about that before you got jiggy!. It's not  
my fault you're a slut!" Alaney shouted.  
  
"Oigh I'm not a slut!. Stop saying that!. Yeah o.k. we've covered the  
fact I shouldn't have done it at 13 and I admit that!. I'm sorry!. I made  
a mistake!" Sara told her.  
  
"But once faced with the consequences you didn't care about me. I was an  
inconvenience. You were too selfish to consider about my feelings. All  
you cared about was getting to your precious Ivy League college and  
finding your perfect little job. When faced with the decision between  
your daughter and your career you chose your career!" Alaney accused her.  
  
"Alaney, you don't understand. I didn't deserve to get pregnant!. I had  
my whole life planned out. You didn't deserve to be brought up by a  
teenage mother in poverty either. What do you expect me to have done?.  
Become a prostitute to support you?" Sara asked.  
  
"You were halfway there!" Alaney remarked.  
  
"That is low, Alaney!. Listen, I admit I didn't fully consider you. But I  
promise you I did it for both of us. I did consider your protection. I  
loved you and I love you now" Sara explained.  
Alaney didn't know what to say. She wanted to believe Sara but Sara had  
lied too much. Instead she just remained silent and looked away.  
  
Sara began sobbing again.  
  
"You think it's been easy for me not having you in my life?. It was so  
hard for me to sit by and watch Miranda raise you. All I wanted to do was  
announce to both you and the world that you were mine!. I was desperate  
to scoop you up in arms and take you home and raise you myself. I loved  
you so much!. But once I got old enough to understand I realised that I  
couldn't tell you the truth because it wasn't fair to you. Miranda was  
your family then" Sara explained.  
  
Sara paused.  
  
"I love you but sometimes love isn't enough to raise a child. When my mom  
had me she didn't have a clue how to raise a baby. She thought that 'all  
you need is love'. One day when I was about three or four this social  
worker once said 'Madam I can tell you love this child with all your  
heart - but sometimes love alone isn't enough'. I loved you Alaney but  
loving you wasn't enough to raise you. My mom struggled to raise me at  
nineteen with my dad's help, so how on earth was I meant to raise you by  
myself at fourteen?. Straight A student or not" Sara explained.  
  
"How do I know your not lying?. I don't know if I can trust what you say  
anymore, Sara!. You kept lying and lying to me over and over again"  
Alaney told her desperately.  
  
Alaney went over to the sofa and sat down. She felt weak in the knees  
again. Sara sighed and came over. She continued her narrative,  
  
"I never felt worthy to have anymore children after you. I knew I'd  
failed you. I felt so ashamed. I felt so guilty!. I avoided children. I  
mean there were the children in camp cuckoo and I always had a place in  
my heart for them - but when they were children I didn't really attach to  
them. It wasn't till Michelle was older that I became close to her. I  
just couldn't face children" Sara explained.  
  
Alaney began crying.  
  
"That's a nice little narrative, Sara. I'd really like to believe you but I know you too well. You're a pathological liar. Do you know what I think?. I think, truthfully, the reason you're not good with children is because of the same reason you got rid of me - because you don't like children!. So don't try and put the guilt on my shoulders" Alaney responded.  
  
Alaney went over and picked up her suitcase.  
  
"You've been desperate for me to disappear since the day I was born. Well congratulations I won't bug you and your precious life anymore!. I hate you and I can never forgive you for abandoning me. I can never forgive you for ruining my life. I'm glad I know though because now I can get on with my life and mature into an adult. I used to think I'd never have a family unless I found my natural parents. But today I realised that I can go out and make my own family. I can make up for the mistakes you made. I will have a true family. Biology doesn't make a family - it just helps to get one together. And by the way, when I was in hospital and I told you you would make a good mom - yeah well, I take that back. Promise me you will never curse another kid by giving birth to them!. You couldn't raise a peanut let alone a child. Your too self centred to share your life with another human being" Alaney told her.  
  
Something in Sara just made her give up and stop fighting it. She reasoned in her head that she had nothing to feel sorry for and nothing to regret because it wasn't her fault. She was raped after all. She owed that ungrateful brat nothing. It wasn't her fault. She was tired of Alaney blaming her and shouting at her. Alaney had been a nuisance to Sara's life since the day she was born. Sara did just want her to disappear!. Furthermore Alaney was a constant reminder of that night. Why did Sara ever want her to stay?. If Alaney 'disappeared' then it would all be over. Simple. Sara decided that the only thing she wanted in the world now was for that ungrateful brat to 'disappear' forever.  
  
"You know what Alaney. If you want to go then go!. Frankly I haven't got time in my life for your whingeing or sponging off me. You're absolutely right. I would like nothing more than for you to 'disappear'. So here's the door. Go away and I never want to see your whingeing face again!" Sara shouted.  
  
Sara begun to shove Alaney out the door and then slammed it. Alaney was gob smacked. She couldn't believe that Sara said that. She had never hated Sara as much as she did now. It had been confirmed to Alaney that Sara didn't care about her. It had all been lies.  
  
Once Sara slammed the door she went over to the sofa, sat down and began crying. She realised immediately that she didn't mean it. She run over to the door and opened it but Alaney was gone. Sara took the lift down and got outside just as Alaney's cab was going off. It was too late.  
  
When Sara got back to the flat she just sat sobbing on the sofa. She couldn't believe she'd said that stuff!. She couldn't believe she'd even thought it. It wasn't Alaney's fault she didn't know. Of course Alaney would react that way because she thought it was Sara's fault!. Sara just didn't want Alaney to know the truth. Sara was ashamed and she didn't know what Alaney would do about the news. She suspected she'd do something stupid.  
  
Sara got up and walked over to her phone. Tearfully she dialled her mother's cell phone. It was the only way she could ensure she got her mom and not her dad. Libby had never been too keen on the idea of having a cell phone but Sara had given her one as a birthday present and insisted she kept it on so Libby was contactable. Libby had actually found it rather useful in some ways but would never admit that to Sara. Sara rung her mom. Sara told her mom that Alaney knew and confessed to her mom that she'd made a major mistake by turning Alaney away. They spoke on the phone for over two hours. 


	34. Starting again

Alaney didn't go straight to Catherine's that afternoon. She ended up at Casey's instead. As Casey opened his door, he was greeted by a tearful and heart broken Alaney. He had kind of been expecting her all day. He was glad Alaney had chosen to come round and tell him exactly what happened when she confronted Sara. Casey hugged her and then escorted her into his lounge.  
  
"I'm sorry but you're the only person I can trust anymore!. I can't talk to any of my family because they're all in on it. Even some of my best friends are!. I'm one of Michelle's best friends and she didn't even tell me!. Even Catherine knows!" Alaney whaled.  
  
Casey and Alaney talked for hours and hours. However within four hours Alaney had finally cried herself to sleep on Casey's chest. Casey just sat watching her, before the phone rang and distracted him. He gently moved Alaney's head onto the sofa as he got out of the way and answered the phone.  
  
"Hello?" Casey answered.  
  
"Oh hello. This is Catherine Willows. Is that Casey?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Oh yeah. Alaney's told me all about you. Hi" Casey made conversation flippantly.  
  
"Yeah. Umm Casey!. Alaney's meant to be at mine. I called her mom and she said Alaney left her nearly five hours ago!. I've been worried sick. Her mom gave me this number" Catherine lectured.  
  
"Oh, of course!. Catherine, I'm so sorry!. Didn't she call you?. It's just because she's in such a muddle. Look she's asleep right now but I'll get her to yours within the hour. I promise. O.k?" Casey gestured.  
  
"O.k" Catherine replied unpleased.  
  
At five to nine Alaney finally knocked on Catherine's door in the pouring rain.  
  
"Oh, you finally decided to make it then!. This is isn't a hotel you know, Laney!" Catherine lectured.  
  
"Look if you don't want me here I'll go" Alaney bite back.  
  
"Don't be cheeky. Get your ass inside right now. You're not going anywhere" Catherine replied still annoyed.  
  
Alaney and Catherine sat round the kitchen table sipping hot drinks and talking. Alaney was back in tears again. Catherine had calmed down and was back in caring mode now.  
  
"I thought I'd finally found a home and now it's all in pieces!" Alaney whined.  
  
"You can stay here as long as you like" Catherine gestured.  
  
"I'll pay you. Don't worry" Alaney gestured.  
  
"No, don't be silly" Catherine responded.  
  
"Sara said you'd been having financial difficulties" Alaney told her.  
  
"Don't worry they're sorted. I had a win fall" Catherine replied.  
  
"No I want to get a job. I need to have a reason to leave CSI for good" Alaney insisted.  
  
"Alaney!" Catherine responded.  
  
"I'm not working with her anymore!" Alaney responded.  
  
"What about college?" Catherine reminded her.  
  
"They only required I do two months there. I've done that. I can leave properly now" Alaney replied.  
  
"If that's what you want. It's your decision. I just think you'll regret it. Can you do me a favour?. If your not going back to CSI tomorrow, can you watch Lindsay for me?. Her nanny's quit at the last minute. I'm sorry but it's an emergency. If I didn't have enough to deal with with you and Sara!" Catherine replied.  
  
Alaney had an idea.  
  
"I can do better than that!. I can be Lindsay's new nanny!" Alaney suggested excited.  
  
"What?" Catherine responded.  
  
"Oh come on Catherine!. I'm great with kids. I've grown up looking after kids all my life. She's ten so it's not like she needs too much looking after anyway. Plus Lindsay loves me doesn't she?. This way you don't pay for a nanny and I'm paying my way!. It's perfect!" Alaney argued.  
  
"Umm. O.k" Catherine agreed deciding it was actually a good idea.  
  
Catherine looked at Alaney's hair.  
  
"Look at your hair. It's soaking!. I'll go get a towel" Catherine suggested.  
  
Catherine got a towel and began drying Alaney's hair herself.  
  
After a few moment of silence Alaney spoke,  
  
"Catherine, if I tell you something do you promise you won't tell anyone else?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Umm. O.k. Sure" Catherine responded.  
  
"I'm not going to Harvard" Alaney confessed.  
  
"What?. You didn't get in?. Oh angel, I'm sorry" Catherine gestured.  
  
"No, I got in. That's the point" Alaney replied.  
  
Alaney turned and faced Catherine.  
  
"My whole life all I ever dreamed of was going to Harvard. But then when I came and stayed with Sara suddenly it became less important. I was living with my idol and furthermore I finally felt like I had a home. She felt like home to me. So when Harvard made me an offer - I turned it down. I'm going to Western Las Vegas University instead" Alaney sobbed.  
  
"What!" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"Well, that way I could still be a CSI because you and Warrick went there and your CSIs. Plus I got to be near Sara. Even if she didn't want me to live with her - I could still have a place nearby to call home - hopefully. I could have a base. I could be near her. I felt like I'd missed out on so many years of just knowing her and that this way I could catch up on some of that time. And now all that's fallen apart and I can't go to Harvard anymore!" Alaney explained sobbing.  
  
"It doesn't have to have fallen apart" Catherine argued.  
  
"It does" Alaney affirmed.  
  
"Oh Alaney. You poor thing. I'm so sorry" Catherine commented.  
  
"You see that's the difference. When faced with the choice between Sara and Harvard I chose Sara. And I didn't even know she was my mom!. When faced with the same choice, Sara chose Harvard over me. She chose Harvard over her own daughter" Alaney whined.  
  
"I'm sure it wasn't like that. The way I hear she didn't even get a choice in the matter. Her parents just took you away and didn't ask her if she wanted you" Catherine argued.  
  
"Yeah well that might be true but then again knowing her it might now. It doesn't even matter if they did or didn't - she didn't want me even they had asked" Alaney reminded her.  
  
"Could you have brought up a kid at 14 with no help then?" Catherine accused.  
  
"No. That's why I never put myself in that position at 14!" Alaney replied.  
  
Catherine wanted to say the truth, but it wasn't her place.  
  
"You know I've never seen Sara so happy as when you came along to live with her. You've changed her life for the better. She's so happy all the time" Catherine told Alaney.  
  
"She should have thought about that before. It's too late!" Alaney told Catherine.  
  
Catherine felt sad about this.  
  
Alaney sighed.  
  
"Do you know the main reason I liked Sara so much?. It wasn't just because she was clever and smart and sophisticated. It was because out of all the adults I knew she was the last person who could be my mom. Not just because of her age but also because I thought she was the only person who would never abandon a baby. I know she wasn't good with kids but I thought she was just too compassionate. She usually puts such a high regard on human life. Her dad's been beating her mom for years and Sara hates him, and yet Sara still doesn't believe in killing violent husbands or her dad. Sara believes that there's always another way. There's jail, temporary unconsciousness or something. Unless your life is in immediate danger and there's no other way to save it then you should never kill anyone. Now I don't know what to believe. I can't believe she's capable of deserting a helpless baby!" Alaney confessed.  
  
Catherine was speechless.  
  
After a few moments of silence, as Catherine took this in, Alaney spoke.  
  
"Can I go out?" Alaney asked.  
  
"What?. You wanna go out tonight of all nights?. You were upset a minute ago" Catherine responded.  
  
"I need a distraction" Alaney explained.  
  
Catherine sighed.  
  
"Of course. You don't need to ask!. I just want to know where you are and what time your coming back that's all" Catherine agreed.  
  
"I don't know quite yet. I'm going to go somewhere with Casey. I'll call you and tell you where I am though" Alaney told her.  
  
"Thank you" Catherine replied.  
  
"I'll probably be back at three am though. But don't worry I'll be up and about ready to look after Lindsay when you go to work tomorrow evening. I just need a distraction" Alaney told her.  
  
Catherine hugged Alaney and kissed her on the forehead.  
  
"Have a good night. There's a key for you to keep outside on the table by the door. Please be quiet when you come in" Catherine gestured.  
  
"Of course. Goodnight Catherine and - Thanks" Alaney agreed.  
  
"Remember to get some sleep, O.K.?. I'm so glad your safe" Catherine gestured.  
  
"Goodnight" Alaney added.  
  
Alaney got dressed up and went round to Casey's. He opened the door and was surprised to see her.  
  
"We're living in 'America's adult playground' and you haven't even given me the guided tour. What do you say to taking my mind off things and painting the town red?" Alaney asked playfully.  
  
"I'll go get changed" Casey smiled.  
  
A few miles across town, Sara was painting the town Red herself. Or maybe we should say Blue. She sat in a bar drowning her sorrows and downing her sixth scotch. A young man, handsome and in his mid thirties approached her.  
  
"That isn't a very lady like drink" the guy commented playfully.  
  
"No thank you I'm not interested. I'm mourning" Sara replied depressed and drunk.  
  
"I noticed. I'm not here to chat you up. Don't get me wrong your gorgeous but it's just not appropriate with the state your in. For now, I'm here to help. But don't worry once your sober I'll be there with all the cheesy chat up lines. For a start, I'm going to stop you having another drink" Matt replied.  
  
He took her new drink away from her.  
  
"Now do you want to talk to me rather than the drink?" Matt asked.  
  
He offered her his hand to shake.  
  
"Matt Colgan" Matt introduced himself.  
  
"Sara Sidle" Sara responded and drunkenly shook his hand.  
  
"And what do you do as a job 'Matt Colgan'?" Sara asked.  
  
"I'm a fireman" Matt replied.  
  
"Oh my brother is a fireman" Sara responded drunkenly excited.  
  
"Oh does he live here?. Maybe I know him" Matt replied.  
  
"No, San Francisco" Sara told him looking away.  
  
"Lovely place. You from there?" Matt tried to regain her attention.  
  
"Near there. I actually worked there for a few years too" Sara told him.  
  
"Listen, I should tell you now before you get your hopes up. If you knew what I'd done you wouldn't want to be talking to me. You may as well save yourself the trouble and go now" Sara suggested.  
  
"What you done?. You murdered someone?" Matt joked.  
  
"Practically. I took away their life" Sara replied drunkenly.  
  
"As long you're not a serial killer I don't care. Whose life you take away?" Matt responded.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara told him  
  
"O.k." Matt understood.  
  
"I got rid of my baby" She sobbed into his arm drunkenly.  
  
"Oh, that's why you're in a state. You had an abortion - and your regretting it. Is this what this is all about?. I don't think your a bad person at all. It's your choice no one else's - except the father's. Does he know?" Matt guessed.  
  
Sara nodded through tears.  
  
"He told me to get rid of 'it'. He said horrid things about 'it'. He called it 'it'" Sara sobbed.  
  
"I don't mean to pry it's just most women don't seem to react like this. So I was wondering if you'd had an abortion before?" Matt asked.  
  
Sara nodded.  
  
"I was 26. I just didn't feel worthy of a kid. I thought it would make me feel less guilty if I got rid of it but it made me feel worse!" Sara admitted.  
  
"Oh, I just thought because you've reacted badly - it might be your first time" Matt replied.  
  
Sara shook her head.  
  
"I've got rid of two kids. Not one but two!. I just get worse!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Matt pat her back to comfort her.  
  
"It's not like that" Matt reassured her.  
  
Sara hit her head down on the table.  
  
"I want my mom!. But she can't get here till tomorrow!. I want my mommy!!!!. I always want my mom!. I'm 32 years old and I want to live with my mom. Isn't that sad?!?. I left California because I felt suffocated but now all I want is my mom everyday!. Every second of the day!. I want my mommy!" Sara sobbed drunkenly.  
  
"O.k.!" Matt replied implying this was weird.  
  
Sara hit her head on the table ahead.  
  
"Careful!" Matt commented.  
  
Matt was very concerned, especially since this woman had just admitted that she wanted her 'mommy'.  
  
"Look, I mean this in a complete un-dodgy sense but let me take you home. I can assure you that if you came on to me I would absolutely refuse!. I don't take advantage of drunken or upset women - and your both, frankly. Anyway I'm a long-term guy. I don't do one night stands" Matt told her.  
  
"Thank you but no" she replied.  
  
"Look, your in no state to get a cab by yourself. We can get a cab and there'll be a cab driver there to make sure I don't take advantage of you. In your flat I'm sure you have a lamp you could hit me over the head with if I get fruity - which I won't!" Matt suggested.  
  
"Why are you doing this?" Sara asked.  
  
"Because I'm a fireman - it's my job to help damsels in distress" Matt joked.  
  
Sara laughed and nodded.  
  
"O.k." Sara agreed.  
  
When they got back to Sara's flat, Matt made them both some coffee. Matt listened to Sara as she spoke her drunken ramblings to him. It was so disjointed that it didn't make sense to him - but he knew it was important to her at that time so he let her continue. They found out about each other's lives to get Sara's mind off her troubles. Finally at 2am Sara fell asleep on Matt's shoulder. He carried her into a bedroom but found Janey and Michelle sleeping in there. It was Alaney's room. He was surprised because Sara hadn't mentioned them being there. He was surprised that they hadn't been awoken by the noise. So Matt carried her into the other room. He found her empty double bed placed her in it, placed the covers over her and kissed her forehead. He then wrote his name and number on a piece of paper, got his coat, turned the lights off and left the apartment.  
  
The next morning, a banging hangover and Matt's number greeted Sara. She smiled but then the pain hit her and she held her head. Janey and Michelle made her a cup of coffee and tried to prize the details out of Sara. Sara gave all she could remember away.  
  
Meanwhile across town, Alaney woke up at 12noon. She didn't have a hangover (as she had to be careful after her transplant) but was still delighted to be greeted with a cup of coffee from Catherine when she went down.  
  
"What would you like for breakfast?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Nothing, thanks" Alaney replied.  
  
"Alaney!" Catherine lectured.  
  
"Porridge, please" Alaney responded.  
  
"Porridge, are you sure?" Catherine asked.  
  
"My family live by the stuff" Alaney replied.  
  
"O.k., if that's what you want. I'm pretty sure I've got some lying around somewhere" Catherine replied.  
  
"So, how was last night?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Brilliant!. We hit four casinos and two nightclubs" Alaney delighted.  
  
"How did you get in?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Fake I.D" Alaney replied coyly.  
  
"Alaney!" Catherine lectured.  
  
"Don't pretend you haven't!" Alaney replied.  
  
"You didn't gamble did you?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Only fruit machines. But Casey made a hundred dollars profit on the tables" Alaney remarked excited.  
  
"He's gotta be careful" Catherine warned.  
  
"He is" Alaney reassured her.  
  
Alaney watched as Catherine suddenly went pale, ran over to the sink and threw up. Alaney rushed over.  
  
"Catherine, are you alright?" Alaney asked concerned.  
  
"Fine" Catherine replied.  
  
"You don't look fine. Have you eat something dodgy?. Are you ill?" Alaney asked.  
  
"No, it's nothing. I'm fine" Catherine told her.  
  
"It doesn't seem like nothing!. Is this the first time you've thrown up lately?" Alaney asked.  
  
"It's nothing. O.k., if you want to know. It's just when I think about - you know - what happened. It makes me nauseous that's all. I'm just finding it hard to digest food since then" Catherine confessed.  
  
"You be careful!. Stress and psych problems can cause real damage to you physically" Alaney commented.  
  
"That family!. There's something wrong with their heads. I just hope it's not genetic!" Alaney remarked.  
  
"I've recently realised something about that family. It's when they won't tell you that you know their telling the truth. It's when they give information away too easily that you know their lying!" Alaney commented.  
  
"Is it my presence that set it off?" Alaney asked guilty and concerned.  
  
"No. Don't worry counselling will help" Catherine reassured her.  
  
"O.k. We'll see how it goes" Alaney agreed not entirely convinced.  
  
Later that day, Catherine had been at work a full hour before Alaney arrived to tell Grissom she was leaving. It had been an hour full of Sara's constant questions and enquiries about how Alaney was: "Did she say anything else about me?", "Is she still angry?", "Is her health alright?", etcetera.  
  
Alaney walked into the department and up to reception. The receptionist recognised her immediately and enquired about her health. Alaney chatted with her and then ask to speak to Grissom. Alaney told Lindsay to sit outside waiting and she went to Grissom's office.  
  
"Alaney!. How are you?. When are you coming back to join us?. Do you know yet?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to resign, Grissom" Alaney told him matter of factly.  
  
"What?. Resign?. Why?. What about college?" Grissom asked astounded.  
  
"I've done the required amount and now I need to get a job. I'm sorry for the short notice but my circumstances have changed and I now need financial support" Alaney explained.  
  
"What do you mean changed?. Can't Sara support you?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I no longer live with or want to know Sara Sidle" Alaney remarked.  
  
"What?. Why?. Look it will blow over" Grissom responded.  
  
"No it won't, Grissom!. Don't patronise me!" Alaney snapped.  
  
Sara was passing and noticed Alaney in Grissom's office. Sara came rushing in.  
  
"Alaney" Sara remarked.  
  
"Excuse me, this is a private meeting" Alaney remarked coldly.  
  
"What's going on?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I have little respect for that woman, Grissom. But the microscopic amount I do have for her is not allowing me to tell you. You respect her and she yearns that approval. If I were tell you the truth about her then she may lose your respect and even she doesn't deserve that" Alaney responded.  
  
Alaney turned to Sara,  
  
"I'm leaving CSI" she told her.  
  
"What?. Why?" Sara asked.  
  
"That's what I'd like to know!" Grissom remarked  
  
"Why do you think?. Anyway, I need financial support now" she replied to Sara.  
  
"I'll financially support you. Please just stay at CSI. It's the only way I get to see you if you won't live with me" Sara responded.  
  
"No thank you, I don't want your guilt ridden money. Anyway, I've accepted the job now" Alaney remarked.  
  
"Will you still come visit us on your time off?" Sara asked.  
  
"I can't. My job tends to work out that whenever your working I'm working" Alaney remarked coldly.  
  
"Alaney, don't be silly" Sara responded.  
  
Alaney opened the door and called Lindsay in. Catherine heard and came in too.  
  
"I'm Lindsay's new nanny" Alaney remarked.  
  
"Is this true?" Grissom asked Catherine surprised.  
  
"She insisted and I do need one" Catherine replied feeling guilty.  
  
Sara was couldn't believe Catherine could do this to her. She gave her a betrayed look and walked out on the verge of tears. Alaney took Lindsay's hand and walked out too.  
  
"Good day Grissom. See you tomorrow Catherine. I've got to go home and get Lindsay to bed" Alaney remarked leaving.  
  
"What is with those two?" Grissom asked bemused.  
  
"Don't ask" Catherine replied.  
  
"So what's it like having Alaney living with you?" Grissom asked interested.  
  
"Stressful!. She can be such a pain in the arse. We know her as mature Alaney - professional, intelligent and responsible. But when she's at home she can be so stubborn, immature and, well, teenage like!. She was meant to come move into mine yesterday afternoon and instead she went to her boyfriend's without telling me. I was worried sick!. I felt like wringing her neck!. Having said that I still love her dearly. She's like one of my own already. I love having her around. I'll tell you it definitely gave me a glimpse of what Lindsay will be like as a teenager. I'm not looking forward to it!. She even has blonde hair like Lindsay!. Teenagers!" Catherine commented.  
  
The next morning, Sara got a phone call on her cell phone while out in the field. It was Alaney. Sara was delighted.  
  
"Alaney?" Sara replied enthusiastic.  
  
"Can we meet for lunch?" Alaney asked still sounding cold.  
  
"Of course!. Umm, I should be finished or at least be able to take a break at say 1pm in the diner round the corner?" Sara replied.  
  
"Sure" Alaney agreed monotonously.  
  
At 1pm, Alaney entered the diner. She found Michelle and Sara already waiting there.  
  
"Oh look who it is! If it isn't Sara's little side kick!" Alaney remarked.  
  
"Alaney, don't be like that. I'm here for you both. I'm neutral" Michelle responded.  
  
"Alaney, I'm so glad your finally coming round. I've" Sara was interrupted.  
  
"Wait a moment. Before you get all excited - I'm not here for a reconciliation. I just wanted the name of my natural father" Alaney told them.  
  
"What?" Sara responded.  
  
"Come on Sara, you owe me that much" Alaney insisted annoyed.  
  
"He doesn't want to know you" Sara told her.  
  
"So he knows. Well, I don't care if he doesn't want to know me - I just want to see what he looks like" Alaney explained.  
  
"There's no point" Sara told her.  
  
"Let me decide that. Now tell me his name and where you met him" Alaney demanded.  
  
"No!. Alaney forget about him he's a nobody" Sara insisted.  
  
"Who is he?" Alaney demanded.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Just some boy. That's all you need to know" Sara replied.  
  
"What's his name?" Alaney requested.  
  
"He's a nobody, Alaney. He's not worth knowing" Sara insisted.  
  
"Sara!" Alaney demanded.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Dean Rampling. He went a school near mine" Sara lied.  
  
"Rubbish!. You gave that away too easily!. You're lying!" Alaney accused her.  
  
"It's the truth!. Accept it or don't - it's up to you" Sara insisted  
  
Alaney grabbed her bag and began to storm off. Michelle followed after her.  
  
"Alaney!, Alaney!" Michelle called out while running down the street.  
  
Alaney stopped.  
  
"Who's my father, Michelle?" Alaney asked.  
  
"It's Sara's right to tell you not mine" Michelle replied.  
  
"Then we have nothing more to talk about" Alaney responded and walked off.  
  
"Alaney!" Michelle called out.  
  
Alaney stopped one more time.  
  
"What?" Alaney asked annoyed.  
  
"She really loves you know. You've got to forgive her. Have you listened to the album lately?" Michelle told her.  
  
"No. I've been a bit busy with my life falling apart, Michelle!" Alaney responded.  
  
"Well do. Listen to it and you'll hear how much she loves you. She wrote 'Goodbye to you' because she predicted you'd hate her. I always thought you'd forgive her. She was right you have reacted with hate. Please Laney just listen to her songs. She loves you that's all that matters now" Michelle suggested.  
  
Alaney walked off.  
  
"Listen to the album!" Michelle called after her as Alaney walked off.  
  
Tears began falling from Alaney's eyes as she walked away and got into a cab.  
  
When Alaney got back to Catherine's, she found Catherine and Lindsay being sick.  
  
"Guys, are you alright?. Oh my!. Catherine, I think you've got a bug not posttraumatic stress!. And it looks like you've given the bug to Lindsay. I knew there was something up with you. Don't worry we'll get you to both to the doctors and your be as right as rain in no time" Alaney remarked.  
  
Catherine went to clear up Lindsay sick but Alaney stopped her.  
  
"I'll sort her out. You sort yourself out" Alaney gestured.  
  
Alaney cleaned Lindsay up and got her into bed.  
  
"There you go. You get some rest o.k.?. Nightie night" Alaney said to her and kiss her on the forehead.  
  
Alaney went out and checked on how Catherine was.  
  
"Your lucky you were only sick once. Lindsay's been sick three times now. Have you guys eaten anything dodgy lately?" Alaney asked.  
  
Catherine seemed to be in a trance.  
  
"Sorry what?. Oh umm. I don't know. Lindsay had some chicken curry that could have been it - but I didn't. I don't know. I just don't know" Catherine got up and began lightly crying.  
  
"Catherine, what's wrong?. It's just a tummy bug or something. Don't worry it will go away. Are you worried about Lindsay?. Don't worry I'll look after her. You just get some rest. Is it Boby?. Are you thinking of him?" Alaney asked.  
  
"It's going to be fine, Alaney. Don't worry" Catherine told her and left.  
  
Alaney was quite confused.  
  
"That poor woman's screwed up" Alaney remarked with concern.  
  
"Stupid pig!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
Alaney sat up with Lindsay for an hour before deciding that she was properly asleep and could be left alone. Alaney went into Catherine's room to find her spring-cleaning.  
  
"Are you feeling better?" Alaney asked confused.  
  
"Oh yeah. If you want to go out you feel free. Oh angel, you don't need to be Lindsay's nanny 24/7. You need a life too. I feel fine. I feel much better now. Right as rain" Catherine replied cheerily.  
  
"Well o.k. I'll be at Casey's if you need me" Alaney replied.  
  
"Wonderful" Catherine remarked cheerfully.  
  
Alaney was very confused now.  
  
Alaney grabbed Michelle's album and left.  
  
Alaney and Casey listened to 'Goodbye to you', 'Desperately', 'Its you', 'Everywhere', 'I'd rather be in love', 'You set me free' and 'Drop in the ocean' at his place. Alaney cried the whole way through all of them. But it was towards the end of 'Drop in the ocean' that Alaney finally told Casey how she was feeling,  
  
"I want to love her. I really do!. And I do love her!. But I just can't forgive her for what she's done. Too much hurt has been caused by her" she commented.  
  
"But once you heal" Casey suggested trying to comfort her.  
  
"I can never heal, Casey!. She'll never change from the person she is. On top of all that, I just can't trust her ever again!. All she ever does is lie. I can't trust what she says. But I wanna love her!. I do so much!" Alaney sobbed.  
  
Alaney broke down and Casey hugged her.  
  
"It's o.k., baby. It's all going to be o.k. You've got me. I'll be here for you through it all. Forever" Casey gestured.  
  
Once 'Drop in the ocean' had finished, 'Here with me' came on. Alaney was busy sobbing and all she noticed was the chorus.  
  
("I know you had to go away. I died just a little. I feel it now you're the one I need. I believe that I would cry just a little just to have you back here with me")  
  
"She's not even sorry!. How am I meant to forgive someone who's not sorry?!. She says she loves me and misses me but that she doesn't regret giving me away. I just don't understand!" Alaney whaled back into Casey's arm.  
  
The next day, Alaney and Catherine were having coffee together in Catherine's kitchen when Alaney's mobile rang. She looked down at the screen but didn't recognise the number.  
  
"Hello Alaney here. Who is it?" Alaney answered.  
  
"Hello Alaney?. It's Boby" the person down the phone answered.  
  
Alaney was startled. Boby hardly ever spoke to her let alone rang her!. What was he up to?. Alaney's immediate reaction was that she couldn't let Catherine know who was on the phone. So she excused herself and took the call in her room.  
  
"Hello?. Hello Alaney are you still there?" Boby called down the phone.  
  
"What do you want?" Alaney whispered.  
  
"Sara told me that you found out about her. I wanted to meet up and discuss it with you" Boby told her.  
  
"No way. Do you think I'm stupid?. Your trying to kill me, remember" Alaney reminded him.  
  
"Don't be silly, I'm not trying to kill you. Alaney, do you think I'd donate a kidney to you if I wanted to kill you?" Boby reminded her.  
  
"I suppose not" Alaney responded.  
  
"No. Come on. Anyhow, we won't be alone - Libby will be there" Boby told her.  
  
"Oh yeah, like she can do much!" Alaney remarked.  
  
"You shouldn't underestimate her you know. She's more powerful than she seems. For a start, she'd probably literally kill me if I laid a finger on you. Just because she doesn't stand up for herself doesn't mean she doesn't stand up for her kids" Boby argued.  
  
"I'm not her kid" Alaney commented looking for a compliment.  
  
"You're her relative. So you are one of her kids. Hey! - even if you weren't related - as long as a child lives in our community their one of her kids" Boby told her.  
  
Alaney sighed.  
  
"O.k. Where and When?" Alaney asked.  
  
"We're rented a house in a small forest next to Lake Mead, near Henderson. Write down this address 33 Hoyland forest, it's the south end of the forest near the '147' road. Be there 1pm tomorrow" Boby informed her.  
  
"I'll be there. Libby better be too" Alaney warned.  
  
One o'clock that very next afternoon Alaney approached the very house Boby had asked her to. She rang the doorbell and Boby opened it.  
  
"Come in" he smiled.  
  
Alaney was very suspicious but she walked in all the same. She was glad to see Libby when she walked in.  
  
"Alaney!. It's good to see you. So to what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?. I thought you weren't talking to Sara - how did you know we were here?" Libby asked.  
  
"Boby invited me" Alaney told her.  
  
"He did?" Libby was surprised.  
  
"Boby darling, can I have a word, please?" Libby asked.  
  
Boby and Libby went over to the corner of the room.  
  
"What are you up to, Boby?. If you lay a hand on that girl I swear I will drag myself down that police station with two broken legs if needs be. Don't lay a hand on her. This has nothing to do with her" Libby answered.  
  
"Elizabeth, how can think that?. I'm simply getting to know the girl. She is my granddaughter after all. Anyway, I've been thinking. Now that she knows and half the world knows that Sara's her mother. Well maybe it's a bad idea to push her away. I mean if her grandparents ignore her people are more likely to suspect there's a reason. I'm simply letting go of my barriers and getting to know my granddaughter like I've always wanted to" Boby whispered.  
  
"Granddaughter!. Is that what you tell yourself?" Libby smirked but still whispered.  
  
"Watch it!" Boby warned her.  
  
Libby sighed and nodded.  
  
"We were just making some tea and cakes. Would you like some, darling?. Boby's made a wonderful lemon cake" Libby asked her.  
  
"Ummm, yes please" Alaney worriedly agreed.  
  
Boby brought his cake over and Libby brought over the tea. Libby poured them all a cup of tea and Boby gave them all a piece of cake. While sitting there, Alaney thought to herself how strange this was. In all of her eighteen years of growing up in the same community as them, and even being fostered by their sister, this was only the second time the three of them had never sat down to tea. Furthermore, this was the only time it meant something to Alaney. Alaney actually trusted Boby for the first time in her life. His proofs for not wanting to kill her all were or had come true.  
  
"Alaney, I realise we've been a bit cold over the years and I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise on behalf of both of us. We just didn't want people to associate you with Sara and maybe we took that a bit far" Boby explained.  
  
Libby agreed and nodded.  
  
"Therefore, I'd like to start by extending the offer to you to free to call Libby and me - Grandma and Granddad" Boby gestured.  
  
Libby choked on her tea and gave Boby a shocked look. Libby looked down and she had got tea all down her white top.  
  
"Sorry. Excuse me, I must go and change. I won't be a minute" Libby excused her.  
  
Libby left.  
  
Boby sighed. He looked distressed. Alaney was quote concerned.  
  
"Alaney", Boby said in a serious tone, "I just want you to know that - well that I think Sara's behaviour has been disgraceful. I'm not surprised you're not talking to her. I guess that's why me and her never got along. It was just after you were born. I made my feelings on her actions very clear. I love her but honestly I was ashamed of her for abandoning you like that. We begged her to keep you but she wouldn't. I told her that she needed to take responsibility for her actions and that you were a human being with feelings too. I've always regretted not taking you in myself - ourselves. But Sara gave you to Miranda without telling us. I did consider taking you back but she went hysterical anytime Miranda brought you over. I'm so sorry. I should have done more. So as a consequence, we always used to argue about you. So she stopped talking to me. She used Libby and mine's rocky relationship as an excuse to not talk to me - But I always knew it was because I made her feel guilty. I guess I made her feel like a bad person and so she turned it around on me. What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry it turned out the way it did for you. I'm sorry you never got your natural mother it's partly our fault" Boby apologised.  
  
"Boby. I'm not stupid. Your 'rocky relationship' is all down to you. You're a asshole and that will never change. But thank you. Thank you all the same for sticking up for me. For defending my corner when I couldn't" Alaney commented.  
  
She finished her sentence by putting her hand on his in gratitude.  
  
Libby re-entered.  
  
"Elizabeth!. It's good you're here. I wanted you to be present when I asked Alaney this. You see I was thinking yesterday morning and I had an idea of how we could make things up to you. You see, Alaney. Well I was wondering. You see we've rented this house in Las Vegas for a month. We seem to be always here and so we thought we'd stay a while - a month. See if we can sort you guys out. But Libby and I get so lonely without Sara around and you need a place to stay and a family. Well anyway I was thinking, so we're here for a month and I was just wondering if - Ummm - if you would you would like to live with us - Libby and I" Boby suggested.  
  
Libby choked on her tea again. This time luckily she was wearing a black top. She was flabbergasted. So was Alaney.  
  
"Live with you?!?!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"What?!?" Libby exclaimed.  
  
"That is it!. Boby, word now! - over there!" Libby demanded.  
  
The pair went off to the corner of the room again.  
  
"O.k. Boby, there are some things I'll buy but now I know your up to something!. There is no way that girl is living within two metres of you!. How stupid do you think I am?" Libby whispered angrily.  
  
"Libby, Don't you trust me?"  
  
"Of course I don't trust you!"  
  
"I make one mistake and you never let me forget that"  
  
"You can't accidentally rape your daughter!"  
  
"The only crime I'm guilty of is loving Sara too much"  
  
"What if you love this one too much?"  
  
"It was a mistake. I've never done it again. I've never said or done anything inappropriate to her or any girl after that night. I have a mental disorder and your treating me like a criminal. You can't help your chemicals, Libby. I was ill but now I'm better. Please Libby you've got to let me get on with my life. I know I've lost Sara. I just want a daughter again and I won't muck it up this time. I'll treat her right" Boby begged.  
  
Libby sighed.  
  
"So come after 18 years of calling her 'it' and not giving a stuff about her you want to 'get to know her' and are now acknowledging her as your daughter?" Libby asked suspiciously.  
  
"This isn't suddenly. We were so busy avoiding her that I hardly even knew her. She's a lovely girl. And like I said people are going to suspect if we don't offer our homeless granddaughter a home and a family. I swear scout's honour I won't hurt her. It's just - well, I've as good as lost Sara - I just want a daughter. And I just happen to have one spare. I'd love to get to know her and start anew. I just want to be like a normal father and daughter" Boby explained.  
  
"But she can't know who you are" Libby reminded him.  
  
"I'll just have to settle with granddad . I'm prepared for that. I just want a family - any family" Boby replied.  
  
Libby sighed.  
  
"O.k. But I'm watching you!" Libby reluctantly agreed.  
  
Boby nodded.  
  
Libby and Boby sat back down.  
  
"Listen you guys, thanks for the offer but. Well you see. Boby I've only just got the desire to have a civil conversation with you today. I'm not quite ready to move in with someone I hate as much as you. You're still a asshole. But thanks for the offer" Alaney explained.  
  
"Well think about it" Boby seem undefeated.  
  
"I better be going. Catherine will wonder where I am if I spend too long away" Alaney excused herself as she got up.  
  
"This was nice. Thanks" Alaney told them.  
  
"It was lovely seeing you, dear - darling. Welcome to the family" Libby said as she came over, hugged her and kissed her cheek.  
  
Boby then came over and did the same. It was almost like maybe he was trying to top Libby.  
  
Once Alaney left, Libby turned to Boby and remarked,  
  
"She's not coming. How could you expect her to want to live with you after all she knows about you?".  
  
"She'll change her mind" Boby smiled.  
  
"Why?. How do you know?. What have you done?" Libby asked concerned.  
  
"I've done nothing. I just know her. She wants family. She wants natural family. Any natural family" Boby explained.  
  
"Wanna bet?. Any?" Libby laughed.  
  
"Any but Sara. And anyway, she worships you. You're her ideal mom" Boby reiterated.  
  
"What?. Why would you think that?. I'm a terrible mom" Libby responded.  
  
"No, your not!. Your brilliant!. As for her - well, you can just tell by the way she's always looked at you" Boby commented.  
  
Casey noticed that Alaney wasn't listening to a word he was saying. She had been even more pre-occupied than usual this visit.  
  
"What are you thinking?" Casey asked.  
  
"What?. Umm. Nothing. Can I use your phone?. I need to do something" Alaney replied.  
  
"Sure what?" Casey agreed.  
  
"Sara told me this name for my father. It's probably unlikely to be true knowing her. But I can't get it out of my mind just in case it is him. I mean why would she lie?. Why wouldn't she want me to know my father?. Why does it matter to her?" Alaney explained.  
  
"She might be trying to protect you" Casey suggested.  
  
"From what?" Alaney commented.  
  
"He might not be very nice. She might know that he'll hurt your feelings"  
  
"Well I'm a big girl. I can take whatever he says. I just want a go. Even just a photo of him" Alaney replied.  
  
"Well go try this name then. How are you going to check?" Casey asked.  
  
"Well, I'll get the number of the school district office from my friend and ask them. Sara said he went to a school nearby. If so then he's on the district school district register. It's worth a try" Alaney explained.  
  
So Alaney did that.  
  
"Hello?. Is that Novato unified school district office?", Alaney asked, "I was hoping you could help me".  
  
Alaney asked for Dean Rampling. They said they couldn't give that information out. Alaney explained she was looking for her father. She pleaded and begged. Eventually the woman agreed to make an exception even though technically it was 'against regulation'.  
  
"What did you say his name was?" the woman asked.  
  
"Dean Rampling" Alaney replied anxiously.  
  
The woman searched the computer. Alaney had to remind herself to breath throughout the waiting.  
  
"I'm sorry madam. We have no record of a Dean Rampling" the woman informed her.  
  
"Well try 1980 to 1990. Are you sure he can't have been put in the wrong date. It could be any date!" Alaney panicked.  
  
"Madam, I've already tried that. There's no record of a Dean Rampling ever going to a Novato school" the woman informed her.  
  
"Could there be some mistake?" Alaney asked.  
  
"No madam. I'm sorry. I'm 100% certain. A pupil cannot be just missed off a register - even if they were missed it would be corrected" the woman replied.  
  
"Thank you" Alaney gestured on the verge of tears.  
  
Alaney put the phone down and burst into floods of tears. She ran into his arms.  
  
"He doesn't exist!. She lied to me" Alaney whaled.  
  
An hour later, Alaney was finally calm. She sat curled up on Casey's sofa and wrapped up in his arms.  
  
"I thought I knew her. But the Sara I knew would never get pregnant at thirteen. I just don't understand how she could. I'm only accepting it because it's true" Alaney shared.  
  
"Alaney, I've been meaning to talk to you about that" Casey shared.  
  
Casey took a deep breath.  
  
"I've been thinking and - I think you should forgive her" Casey told her.  
  
"What?!?. Why?" Alaney exclaimed annoyed.  
  
She got up with a start and began to confront him.  
  
"Alaney, don't you remember what you were like at thirteen/fourteen?" Casey reminded her.  
  
"I wasn't like her!" Alaney was disgusted.  
  
"You were a rage of hormones though. Look just here me out. All I remember from being that age, is that personality or social standing doesn't determine who actually has sex. It's about how out of control your hormones get. People can get so desperate to fit in with being popular that they go just as far or too far as the so called 'popular' kids. It's a messed up time and I don't think it's fair to hold her responsible for something she did at that age. Your head is so messed up you can't decide what's best for you - What's right or wrong or what the consequences are. The only thing to determine your behaviour during that time is how out of control your hormones get. You can't blame her" Casey argued.  
  
"Of course you can!. I can't believe your taking her side!. I thought I could count on you!" Alaney shouted as she grabbed her coat and left.  
  
"Alaney!. Alaney!. Come back!. I'm sorry!. Aren't I allowed a opinion, at least?" he called after her.  
  
Alaney was back in floods of tears as she left Casey's flat. She picked up her cell phone and dialled a number.  
  
"Hi Boby. It's Alaney", Alaney spoke down the phone, "I was just wondering. When can I move in?". 


	35. Wake up and smell the coffee!

"Alaney, I obviously didn't make this clear enough. You're very welcome to stay for as long as you want. Lindsay and I love having you around. You don't need to go anywhere" Catherine insisted as Alaney packed her stuff.  
  
"Thank you Catherine but I need stability. I need my family and these people are like my family. These people are family friends. They've offered to make me their own" Alaney explained in an almost pleading tone.  
  
"I know what your family are like!. Friends with what part of your family?. They're not dangerous are they?. Are they clean?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Their clean" Alaney insisted.  
  
Catherine sighed. She had to let Alaney go. Alaney was an adult now and Catherine had no right to interfere when Alaney wasn't her child. It was just that she felt responsible for the girl. She felt she owed both Sara and Alaney.  
  
Alaney could see how worried Catherine was.  
  
"Look, here's the number. You can contact me there and I'll visit you guys' loads I promise. I just need to get my life on track. I feel like I'm not moving forward living here. I need to move on from Sara" Alaney told her.  
  
"Don't you think it's too soon to give up on patching things up with, Sara. You might change your mind" Catherine suggested.  
  
"No, I won't" Alaney insisted.  
  
"I'm sorry about bailing on being Lindsay's nanny" Alaney commented.  
  
"Don't be silly. We're fine. I'll get my neighbour to watch her tomorrow and an agency can send one by the next day" Catherine replied.  
  
Alaney had only needed to pack a few suitcases. She put them all down at the bottom of the stairs.  
  
"How are you getting there?. You need a lift?" Catherine asked concerned.  
  
"No thanks. Libby's agreed to give me a lift there" Alaney replied smiling.  
  
Alaney looked out the window. Libby was driving up. Catherine saw this too.  
  
"Well, I better let you go" Catherine declared on the verge of tears.  
  
Catherine held out her arms and they hugged. Catherine managed to keep her tears to a minimum.  
  
"Go, go - before I really get upset" Catherine laughed.  
  
"Lindsay" Catherine called. Alaney and Lindsay hugged.  
  
"I'll come see you all the time. We're still on for that theme park next weekend aren't we?. I'll come see you both loads. This isn't the end" Alaney told Lindsay.  
  
Libby rang the doorbell. Catherine greeted Libby at the door with a smile.  
  
"Thanks for this" Catherine gestured thankfully  
  
"It's the least a grandma can do" Libby replied adoringly.  
  
Alaney picked up her suitcase and smiled nervously at Libby.  
  
"Ready?" Libby asked.  
  
"Ready!" Alaney reassured herself.  
  
When Alaney first got to the Sidles Las Vegas house, admittedly, it was awkward. Not for Boby, who acted like it was so natural for Alaney to be part of the Sidle family. But for Laney and Libby it was weird. Libby did extraordinarily well considering. She was a natural hostess and loved Laney dearly, so making Alaney feel welcome was easy. That didn't stop Alaney feeling unwanted by Libby though. Alaney would overhear Libby questioning why Boby wanted Laney here. Alaney would also overhear Libby pleading Boby to load Alaney on to someone else. This really upset Alaney as she had always really liked Libby. She was so hurt to find that Libby didn't want her, love her or even appear to like her. Libby couldn't wait to get rid of her. Therefore Alaney seriously considered leaving after she had overheard three of these conversations within the first two days of her living there. She didn't want to be where she wasn't wanted. After all, living with the Sidles was meant to make Alaney feel finally wanted.  
  
However, it wasn't Libby's attitude that truly made Alaney feel awkward in her first few days with the Sidles. Instead it was the fact that she didn't know these people. She had lived in the same community as them all her life and yet they had hardly spoken to her. They had just been civil to her. If Alaney was really lucky they would ask her to go get Miranda or tell Miranda something. She got presents and cards from them, but that was as far as the affection went. Yet now, all of a sudden, she was meant to be part of their immediate family. She was meant to be like a daughter to them. That was definitely how Boby was treating her. He would compliment her, gently advise her and make her feel the most important person in the world. He had this look. It was similar to Sara's but not quite the same. Whenever he genuinely smiled at her his eyes would light up. That's the only way she could describe it. Boby seemed to treat Alaney as Libby did Sara. They would follow their princess around catering to her every need, even when she didn't want it, and making sure the girl knew she was loved. He didn't even hurt her. She was looked after about and cared about by Boby. This in itself was weird to Alaney. Boby had after all ignored Alaney for the last eighteen years. But now he felt - well, like a father!. They were building a father and daughter relationship. Boby even told her that if Alaney would replace her then he would no longer consider Sara his daughter only Alaney. Alaney had to decide whether to let it happen or to turn her back on the Sidles. You see alienation was not the only reason Alaney felt awkward living in the Sidles family there was also the issue of Boby's character. Boby was a wife-beating rapist who had no conscience and was uncaring to others. But to her he was so sweet, so caring and so loving. He loved her when no one else did. She used to hate him but now she didn't know what to feel. Could she really just forget who he really was?. Could she really ignore how he treated other human beings?. By day six, she was so desperate for love that, she decided she could.  
  
On the afternoon of day seven Alaney was sitting reading at her vanity table in her new bedroom, when Boby walked in.  
  
"What ya doing?" he asked verbally affectionately.  
  
"I'm doing some preparatory reading for college next year" Alaney replied friendlily.  
  
Boby laughed.  
  
"You remind me so much of your mother" Boby remarked affectionately.  
  
"Please don't associate me with that woman" Alaney sniped.  
  
"Hey, she's my daughter too remember" Boby responded.  
  
"I thought you'd disowned her in favour of me" Alaney commented.  
  
"Do you want me to?" Boby asked.  
  
"Do what you like. It's your life" Alaney replied coyly.  
  
"Hey, close your eyes" Boby told her.  
  
"Why?" Alaney smiled.  
  
"Just do it" Boby replied coyly.  
  
Alaney closed her eyes. Before a couple of weeks ago, Alaney would have never dreamed of closing her eyes around Boby.  
  
Boby came round behind her and put a necklace round her.  
  
"You can open them now" Boby commented affectionately.  
  
Alaney couldn't believe it. It was an actual necklace from Boby.  
  
Alaney began to cry.  
  
"What's wrong?. Don't you like it?" Boby asked.  
  
"No, it's beautiful" Alaney sobbed  
  
"It's because it's from me isn't it?. You still don't like me do you?" Boby commented disappointed.  
  
"No. You don't understand. I've never received such a sentimental gift from a member of my family. I've never had a family. I really have a family now!" Alaney sobbed.  
  
Boby smiled, put his arms round her, kissed her cheek and hugged her into him.  
  
"Your mine Alaney. Your all mine now" Boby commented.  
  
Alaney took this as a sign of endearment, but knowing Boby who knows what it was.  
  
Sara walked up to Catherine in the break room the following day.  
  
"O.k., I've waited over a week now, will you please give me the name and address of these people now. Who are they?. Do I even know them?" Sara enquired.  
  
"All I have is the telephone number and address. But listen Sara, like I said last week, don't suffocate her because you might make her angrier. I think you guys just needed some time apart" Catherine suggested.  
  
Catherine reached into her bag, took out a piece of paper, copied them and handed the copy to Sara.  
  
Sara looked at the number and address. She recognised it straightaway.  
  
At first, she couldn't believe it. She couldn't understand why. Alaney hated Boby. Alaney didn't even know Sara's parents well. Why would Sara's parents want to risk having Alaney around?. Why would her mother let Alaney be put in danger?.  
  
Then next, pure panic came over Sara. She had to go see them. She had to go protect Alaney.  
  
"You stupid idiot, Catherine!. She's with my parents!. That's the last place she should be!" Sara exploded.  
  
Catherine couldn't believe it.  
  
Sara grabbed her bag and began to leave.  
  
"Tell Grissom I have a family emergency" Sara informed Catherine.  
  
"Wait Sara!" Catherine called.  
  
"What?" Sara asked hostile.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't know" Catherine replied.  
  
"I believe you" Sara confirmed.  
  
Sara was reluctant as she approached her parents Las Vegas home. Sara thought everything over in her head. She realised why her mom only ever visited her. She couldn't believe she hadn't noticed her mom behaving strangely.  
  
Sara eventually rang the doorbell. Boby answered.  
  
"Give me my daughter, right now!" Sara shouted angrily.  
  
"She doesn't want you. She wants me" Boby replied.  
  
"She wouldn't if she knew the truth!" Sara whispered angrily at him.  
  
"Well unless you tell her how is she going to find out?" Boby whispered back.  
  
"There is no way I am letting her live here!" Sara shouted.  
  
Sara stormed past Boby and into the house. She searched all the rooms and finally came across Alaney.  
  
"Pack your bags now!" Sara commanded angrily.  
  
"No way!. I like it here. I'm eighteen and you can't tell me what to do. If you want to be my mother your nineteen years too late" Alaney shouted back.  
  
"You don't need to live with me - just not here!" Sara replied.  
  
Boby came in and put an arm around Alaney. They looked like a perfect father and daughter pair.  
  
"Why on earth would you want to be here?. You hate him!" Sara asked frustrated.  
  
"Not as much as I hate you. Anyway, he's never hurt me and that's all that matters" Alaney replied.  
  
"What about when he was trying to kill you?. He probably still is!" Sara imploded.  
  
"I've never seen him try to kill me. I only have your word for that and your word doesn't stand for anything with anyone" Alaney sniped.  
  
"I don't believe this!. You've really done a number on her dad! - congratulations!" Sara commented.  
  
Sara couldn't look at them anymore. They made her feel sick. She went out the room and went to look for her mom.  
  
"How could you let Alaney stay here?!?" Sara asked astounded.  
  
Libby sighed.  
  
"It's not as bad as you think. I'm watching him like a hawk, I promise you" Libby insisted.  
  
"You can't watch him 24/7 mom!" Sara imploded.  
  
"Sara, now calm down. Think about this rationally. He's no harm to her" Libby suggested.  
  
"No harm!. What?!?!" Sara rebuked.  
  
"He's a changed man, Sara. I admit he did a very terrible thing to you once. But, he learnt his lesson. It was a one off" Libby explained.  
  
"How?. He didn't even go to jail!. What? You think Daven beating him up taught him a lesson? - that wouldn't stop him!" Sara whispered.  
  
"No, I don't mean Daven. I mean the social unapproval, the daughter, the threat of jail and the effect he's seen it have on your life. He feels terrible about how much it's affected you" Libby whispered.  
  
"Rubbish!. So how come he never tells me that?. Time and time again I asked him if he's sorry and he says no" Sara whispered.  
  
"The hardest word to say is sorry - it doesn't mean we don't think it though" Libby suggested.  
  
Sara screamed in frustration.  
  
"He might have something wrong in his head, Sara" Libby whispered.  
  
"So why don't you do something about that?" Sara bit back.  
  
"You're the only one who can do anything" Libby remarked coyly.  
  
There was silence as Sara tried to calm herself down.  
  
"He's never been inappropriate to you or any children at any other time. In thirty-three years!. That sounds like a definite one off to me" Libby explained.  
  
Sara wanted to tell her mom the truth. She needed to for her daughter's sake. She wanted to tell her mom that her dad had molested her when he was little. She wanted to tell her mom that he'd molested other little girls. She wanted to tell her mom that he made inappropriate comments to her or tried inappropriate things in secret. She wanted to tell her mom that her dad had tried to rape her again on several occasions. But no matter how hard she tried, the words couldn't come out her mouth. The reason she couldn't say it wasn't purely because of her own shame but also because if she told Libby then Libby would tell the police. If Libby told the police Alaney would know and it would destroy Alaney. Everyone would end up destroyed. She had to try to find another way to get Alaney out that house and that wasn't it.  
  
"They're quite sweet you know. They bake together, sing together, go for walks together" Libby commented.  
  
"They go for walks alone!" Sara shouted.  
  
"He's trying to kill her and they go for walks alone!. How could you let them?. She would never have gone for walks alone before. I'm always saying that if she goes for a walk with him she'll end up at the bottom of a Lake - and do you know what the irony is? - you live right next to a lake!. Wonderful!" Sara ranted.  
  
"Sara, he's not trying to kill her - it's just all an act!. He'd never kill anyone!" Libby rebuked.  
  
"Your so naïve, mom!. So gullible!. You believe anything he tells you" Sara argued frustrated.  
  
"No, I don't. I'm not as stupid as you think I am, Sara. Do you really think I just let him get away with what he did to you? - No!. There's a reason why he's never tried it again with you. I've got him on reins. He won't hurt either of you" Libby protested.  
  
Sara stormed out.  
  
"Sara!" Libby called out in a pleading tone.  
  
When Sara got to the end of the path she suddenly realised what she'd done. She'd been so disgusted, so frustrated, that she'd walked out and left Alaney living there. Sara considered going back. Could she really leave Alaney there?. Sara thought for a bit. She decided she would go back but she just needed some support. She needed someone who was on her side. Someone who knew everything. Someone who would be as determined as her to remove Alaney from there. She needed to go home and get Michelle. After that, she would never leave her parents house without Alaney. She would watch Alaney 24/7. She would argue Laney down until Laney agreed to leave that place.  
  
Sara stormed into her apartment, slamming the door behind her. Michelle turned round with a start.  
  
"What's wrong?!?" Michelle asked.  
  
"Did you know that Alaney was living with my parents?. With my parents!" Sara shouted.  
  
"What?. No!. Why on earth would either side agree to that?" Michelle asked astounded.  
  
"Apparently they're on the same side now!" Sara snapped sarcastically.  
  
"How can you not know?. You're meant to be best friends!" Sara accused.  
  
"Well she isn't exactly talking to me much nowadays, is she?" Michelle reminded Sara angrily.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Sorry, of course" Sara responded.  
  
"I'm moving in with them. Are you coming?" Sara asked.  
  
"Umm, yeah, of course" Michelle jumped up.  
  
"Do they know your moving in?" Michelle asked out of curiosity.  
  
"Nope" Sara replied.  
  
Sara and Michelle got to the Sidles within an hour. As Libby opened the door, she was greeted by their sarcastic grinning. Sara pushed past Libby.  
  
"We're staying for a few days" Sara gloated.  
  
"Oh, I don't think your father will be too happy with that. He says you're no longer his daughter and you're not welcome" Libby remarked.  
  
"This is your house too, mother" Sara sniped.  
  
"Anyway, who do you love more mummy? - me or daddy?" Sara mimicked child like.  
  
Sara threw her bags down and Michelle followed.  
  
As Sara walked in she noticed a piano. She'd been too angry to notice before.  
  
"You have a piano!" Sara rejoiced.  
  
"I thought of you" Libby added.  
  
"I know you don't have one up here and you never practice anymore. You used to always be playing that thing. It was out ranked only by your science" Libby reminisced.  
  
Sara sat down and started playing Beethoven's midnight sonata . Michelle sat next to her and began to join in down the other end.  
  
Libby smiled.  
  
"Michelle, you haven't seen Alaney all week have you?. Why don't you go see her. I need to talk to, Sara" Libby suggested.  
  
Michelle nodded reluctantly.  
  
"Sara listen" Libby began.  
  
Sara ignored her and continued playing.  
  
"You know I love Alaney right?. I'd never let anything happen to her. I have her best interests at heart. She's so happy here and as long as she's not in danger - which I don't believe she is - then she's fine. I'll try get you two back together but don't go about it this way" Libby explained.  
  
Sara still ignored her.  
  
"Your father told me something last night. For days, I've kind of felt the same way you do. I've had my doubts and my suspicions. But then last night he told me that he wanted Alaney to be his new daughter because he wanted to start afresh like the business between you and him never happened. He wants an innocent, pure relationship with a daughter. Alaney's his only chance of that. He wants to protect her, love her appropriately and cherish her. He said he doesn't think you will ever forgive him so he's given up" Libby explained.  
  
Sara slammed down on the keys.  
  
"That's a load of rubbish. I know him better than you and he's lying" Sara remarked.  
  
"Oh yeah and what makes you think that you know him better?" Libby asked.  
  
Sara said nothing. She just turned back to the piano and began playing a new song. She began to play and sing along to 'Butterfly' by Delta Goodrem.  
  
("I won't hurt you. I'll protect you. I won't let the rain fall down. I'll always be around. and baby I will understand if sometimes you just want to spread your wings and fly and let your colours shine. And everyday I wanna be a risk you take, make a promise that will never break for life. You're my butterfly, don't fly away open my hands you're free, praying you'll come back to me. You're my butterfly. Don't fly away. You're my reality. Always be my gravity. You're my butterfly. Come on and touch the sky. You're my butterfly. I won't forget you or neglect you. Won't let no-one take your place. In your eyes I see my face. And baby do you know that everybody watches every time that you take flight, they're blinded by your light. Every day the feeling's gonna be the same. I can promise that will never change for life").  
  
Just as Sara began playing the song Alaney and Michelle were about to come out of Alaney's room. Hearing the song they decided to listen in secret round the corner from Sara.  
  
"It's about you" Michelle whispered excited.  
  
"Did you write it?" Alaney whispered.  
  
"No, it's an Australian but Sara says it reminds you of her and how she feels about you" Michelle whispered back.  
  
When Sara got towards the end of the song, she couldn't continue any longer. She burst into tears and fled the house. Libby was concerned and ran after her. Michelle and Alaney came over to the piano therefore.  
  
"She's such a drama queen. She thinks if she sings the right song and fakes some waterworks then everyone will believe her. She doesn't care about me but she can't let everyone know that because then everyone will hate her. But I see through her!. She thinks she can just sleep around and not pay the consequences. She's so self centred that she doesn't see how much she's ruined my life. She doesn't give a stuff about me! - so I won't give a stuff about her!" Alaney commented.  
  
Michelle sighed.  
  
"How would you know what she thinks and feels?!?. You don't know anything about her!" Michelle lectured.  
  
"That's her fault not mine" Alaney commented.  
  
Michelle sat down at the piano and started to play and sing her song 'If only she knew'.  
  
"Ladies and Gentleman, I'm singing this on the behalf of my dear cousin Sara Sidle" Michelle announced as if she were talking to an audience.  
  
("I don't know whose side I'm taking'. But I'm not taking' things too well  
  
I can see inside you're aching'. But is it still too early for me to tell?. I try to help you out through the hardest of times. Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind. Though it looks as if it's over. I'm still not over you. 'Cause I still love you like I did before. I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do. If only she knew. Whoa, if only she knew, oh. I try to let it go but I don't know if I can take it. 'Cause the way you looked at me. Made me see that I can't really fake it. I try to help you out through the hardest of times. Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind. Though it looks as if it's over. I'm still not over you. 'Cause I still love you like I did before. I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do. If only she knew")  
  
"Knew what?!?" Alaney asked cocky.  
  
Michelle looked her straight in the eye and said,  
  
"I'm sick and tired of you blaming her. I'm sick of you making her feel even worse than she does. I'm sick of him getting away with it and her taking all the blame. So I'm going to tell you. I'll tell you why Sara got pregnant. I'll tell you why you're not her responsibility. I'll even tell you why she rejected you when you were born. It's very simple you see. One simple sentence: Sara was raped" Michelle explained.  
  
Alaney wasn't expecting this. She'd never considered that Sara could have been an innocent victim in all this. She felt all the colour drain from her face and an immense feeling of guilt consumed her. What had she done?.  
  
"She was a innocent victim in this, and the way you've treated her has made her horrific nightmare even worse" Michelle lectured.  
  
"O.k., I get it. I'm sorry" Alaney protested.  
  
"Your lucky she even wants to know you after what happened to her!. That takes a lot of love!. And after all you've accused her of, after all your hate and abuse - she still never told you. She wanted to protect you from the truth. Frankly, you don't deserve that kind of love" Michelle lectured Alaney.  
  
"I'm so sorry" Alaney apologised to Michelle.  
  
"Don't apologise to me. Apologise to your mother" Michelle responded.  
  
"I didn't know!. How could I have known, if nobody told me?" Alaney asked.  
  
"If you don't know the full facts then you don't go shooting your mouth off about someone!" Michelle lectured.  
  
Alaney began crying. The guilt, Sara's rape and her problematic future all had got on top of her.  
  
"How can you not have considered it?. I mean this is Sara Sidle we're talking about!. She was a science geek. She wouldn't have sex voluntarily at that age considering who she was. How could you think that?" Michelle continued.  
  
"It seemed absurd - but it seemed the only option!" Alaney sobbed.  
  
After a while, Alaney had an idea.  
  
"I want to write a song" Alaney told Michelle excited.  
  
"What?" Michelle asked.  
  
"That's what she does to tell me she loves me. So I'll write one too" Alaney explained.  
  
Alaney took a deep breath.  
  
"Your right. Those songs are so full of the most amazing love. I was blown away by how much Sara loved that person and that person was me!. I feel so loved. It wouldn't have been so powerful if it hadn't have been a song" Alaney added.  
  
"So, I want to write a song" Alaney decided. 


	36. Honesty is always the best policy

Alaney and Michelle were sitting having a drink in the club where Michelle was due to play. She was doing a music friend of hers a favour by playing in her club. She had really helped Michelle make it, so Michelle wanted to repay the favour. Michelle had asked her friend to let her friends sing too tonight. So tonight Michelle and friends were performing. So Michelle and Alaney were waiting around, as things got set up for the show.  
  
"What if she doesn't forgive me?" Alaney asked.  
  
"She was going to forgive you when you called her cow, bitch and slut. So of course she's going to forgive you now your not. She's desperate to get you back! It's all going to be all right. You don't even have to sing if you don't want to" Michelle reassured her.  
  
"I want to" Alaney replied.  
  
Alaney sighed.  
  
"I was so horrible!" Alaney fretted.  
  
"Forget it" Michelle groaned.  
  
"She'll be here any second. Oh my goodness, I've got stage fright! I can't do this!" Alaney panicked.  
  
"Of course you can. You'll regret it if you don't. I'll be there singing right with you, remember" Michelle told her.  
  
Michelle's manager friend, Alison, soon came over.  
  
"We're nearly ready girls. Ten minutes to go and then I'll introduce you Michelle. You sing a solo. Then you both can sing your song. Then it's you again Michelle. Then it's you and your sister. Then you sing two songs alone. Then with your friend Hannah. Then two more solos. Then we end. O.k.?" Alison told them.  
  
"Brilliant" Michelle reassured Alison.  
  
Alison walked off relieved.  
  
"I'm going to pop to the toilet while I still can" Alaney announced.  
  
Alaney went off to the toilet and ten minutes later Sara appeared and sat next to Michelle. Alison was just beginning to introduce Michelle.  
  
"Where's Alaney?" Sara whispered.  
  
"The toilet. Listen Sara, there's something I need to tell you" Michelle replied.  
  
"I've been thinking and I think I know how to get her to speak to me again" Sara informed Michelle. "Sara, you don't need" Michelle tried to explain, but was interrupted by Sara running up to the microphone as Alison was finishing.  
  
This surprised both Alison and Michelle but Alison let Sara have the microphone. Sara looked out around the light to the crowd and saw Alaney returning to her seat.  
  
"What's Sara doing up there?" Alaney asked.  
  
"I don't know. She just grabbed the microphone from Alison" Michelle explained.  
  
"Umm, hi", Sara began, "my name's Sara Sidle and I'm Michelle's cousin. I wanted to take this opportunity to say something quite publicly. I also wanted Michelle to sing a song with me to back my point up. Don't worry you know it well, Michelle. Umm, you see - I have a daughter. She's beautiful! She's really smart. She's really independent and always holds her own. But she probably has to be. You see I abandoned her when she was born. I don't mean in some dumpster. I made sure she - I mean you - You Alaney! I made sure you were safe and fed, etc. I made sure you had money and good schooling. And you see I thought that was enough! Not for me but for you. And then I began to notice you seemed angry about it, while you were growing up. I couldn't understand why. Then when you found out I was your mother you began to say that you thought I didn't love you. But that isn't true! You said that I gave you away because I didn't want to keep you and I couldn't wait to get rid of you. You said that I was selfish and didn't think of you. You said all I thought about was going to an Ivy League school and that you would be in my way. Well, to those last few questions I have to admit I didn't really know the answer until a few hours ago. You see I sat down for the first time since giving you up and I finally faced my fears. I finally thought about how I felt then and now. So, here it is - The truth!" Sara told them.  
  
Sara took a deep breath.  
  
"When you were born I have to admit I didn't feel much for you! I suppose that was because you were a shock and I didn't really give myself a chance to let you grow on me. I remember when you were immediately born - I couldn't look at you! Then I told my mom and she took you. Then she told me we were going to the hospital and to hold you while she went to get Miranda. I was not pleased! The last thing I wanted to do was hold you again! I couldn't stand you! All I wanted to do was throw you far far away so you were out of my sight" Sara explained.  
  
"If this lot is meant to prove she loves me then I don't want to know what she'd say to prove she didn't" Alaney whispered and laughed to Michelle.  
  
"Ssshhh" Michelle hushed her.  
  
Alaney was secretly trying to disguise the hurt she felt with humour.  
  
"I was sitting there holding you in the car for about quarter of an hour. I didn't look at you. I could feel you in my arms and I have to admit it was horrible. I hated it. It felt like I was holding slime! I couldn't stand you. But then, for about thirty seconds before mom and Miranda returned, I looked down at you. I guess I just had an urge to. And that's the first time I remember feeling something! - A good something!" Sara admitted.  
  
Sara took a deep breath again.  
  
Alaney was deeply hurt.  
  
"Then that night in hospital, I was lying there and all I could think of was you. I had finally got rid of you! I was laying there exhausted with thousands of stitches in me and desperately needed the rest - but I just couldn't. I had to see you! So I crept out of bed and crept down the hall to the nursery where you were. And I looked down at you and I just thought to myself - you were so beautiful!" Sara told her.  
  
"That's more like it!" Alaney commented to Michelle.  
  
"You had these tiny little toes, these tiny little fingers and these tiny little ears. When I stroked your skin it was so soft like velvet. And I thought to myself - you're so beautiful! You're so cute! I still couldn't feel that you were mine, though - despite the millions of stitches below me. It felt like you were someone else's baby - like my cousin. You were just a cute baby. Having said that, part of me wanted to pick you up and run away with you. But not because you were mine but because you were so cute!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Sara had to pause for a few moments because she broke down into floods of tears. Alison came over and handed her a tissue. Alison didn't care if Sara was ruining her evening; she wanted Sara to continue for Sara's sake.  
  
Alaney could feel slight tears of joy begin to trickle down her face. She was trying to hold them back though.  
  
"Stop her, Alaney! She doesn't need to do this. It's too painful for her. Stop her. Tell her you know. Everything's fine between you guys now, she doesn't need to do this" Michelle demanded.  
  
"I know. But please Michelle, I need to know how she feels. Even if she doesn't love me I won't hate her. I'll understand. She was raped how can I expect her to love me? But if she does - that would be so special. I just need to know the truth and it sounds like she's going that to me" Alaney pleaded.  
  
Sara composed herself and continued,  
  
"All that was a start. But you still didn't feel like mine. It didn't sink in that you were mind for at least four days. You were gone and I couldn't forget you even though I thought it would be easy to. By day ten, I couldn't bare it anymore. I had to go to Miranda's and see you, against my mother's wishes! You see we were staying with my grandparents because my mom had had a fight over the situation with my dad and so my mom moved out with me. I had to get two buses and a train to come see you that day. Miranda suspected I'd come. She was really helpful, really happy to see me. It was the first time I had seen you since it had sunk in that you were mine. It was amazing. Completely different to before! I held you in my arms and I felt all warn instead. I had butterflies in my stomach. I looked into your eyes and realised it wasn't a dream - you really were mine! And you know what? - It felt so good. You made me feel happy!" Sara confessed.  
  
Alaney couldn't help it anymore. She was so happy. She had tears streaming down her face.  
  
"It was so hard watching you growing up right next to me. My dad absolutely banned showing affection towards you, and my mom just went along with it. She didn't want me to take on what I couldn't handle - in essence, you! So, we shut you out of our lives. Well practically! You were our daughter and granddaughter, but we treated you like a distant relative or something. And for that I'm sorry - that wasn't fair to you!" Sara told her publicly.  
  
Alaney smiled. It was one of the things she had been dying to hear.  
  
"Of course, as you probably noticed the affection ban was hard. We used to go overboard and refuse to look you in the eye or we'd avoid you. But it was only because every time I looked you in the eye I fell so deep in love with you. It was only because every time I looked you in the eyes you just seemed so perfect! Everyone loved you and adored and you were mine. You have this habit of being able to make anyone talk to you. Just like my mom! I just wanted to run up, throw my arms around you and tell the world you were mine! I shut you out because every time I looked you in the eye I had to fight the overwhelming urge to grab you and run away with you. Over the years, the older you got, I fell more and more in love with you. I was so privileged though to have been able to watch you grow up!" Sara continued.  
  
Sara had to stop because she was so tearful again. Her pride of Alaney being hers was too much for her to continue just yet.  
  
"It was a privilege!" Sara added proudly.  
  
Alaney couldn't help but cry even more. She was just so happy to hear this words.  
  
"I did consider over those years telling you the truth. I decided it was unfair to you and Miranda. You two had set up a life together and I might ruin that. It got a lot easier when I moved away to college. But then I came back and you were there again. Then I moved to Las Vegas and it got easier. Then you came to stay with me and the urge was the hardest it ever was to fight. You don't know how many times I nearly came out and said it! But I got stage fight and I was scared you'd hate me. As time went on, well it got past the point of being able to tell you. I couldn't just come out with it! On top of that I was scared you'd do stupid things if you found out who your father was. So I had to make sure I didn't tell you." Sara explained.  
  
Sara took a long pause, looked down and started to play with her hands nervously. She took a deep breath and finally looked up.  
  
"A lot of that stuff I just told you isn't news to me. Some of it might not even be news to you. But the rest of what I realised us quite a shocker to even me. I sat down this afternoon and faced my fears. I actually sat down and asked myself why I gave you up. Did I give you up because you disgusted me? Did I give you up because it would ruin my career plans? You know stuff like that. I finally faced up to the truth of how I felt about you back then. And I have to tell you - it isn't all bad news. I really think you need to know what I discovered today. You see I do love you. I really do and I've realised over the last few months how unloved and rejected you felt because you were abandoned. I know you hate me for it and to be truthful - I hated myself for it too. But I never let myself think about why I did it. I told myself it was obvious - I was 14 - I couldn't raise a child! It would be impossible! But it wasn't impossible. It would have been hard but still possible. The least I could have done was beg my parents to raise you as their own or help me raise you. But I didn't. And I was scared to work out why. I was scared I was a selfish person. I was scared that I did it for my career. I was scared I did it to avoid social stigma. But when I actually sat down and thought about why I got rid of you. Why I had a burning desire to get you out of my sight and as far away as possible - I finally realise why I had felt like that. Why, at least, I didn't want you raised in my house. And I swear to God it's the honest truth. You see when I sat down and thought about it - it wasn't because of my career. It wasn't because of social stigma in case people found out. The reason I wanted to get you away from me and that house so badly - was because I wanted to protect you! I used to give it as some lame excuse to you and myself but I never believed it to be true! But when I sat down and thought about it - it was. The only reason I wanted you out of my house was because there was no way in heaven or hell that I was going to let you grow up in that house with my parents. Believe me when I say you were in danger! It's not just the 'fighting' that goes on in that house. In fact that's another reason I didn't want you in that house - for sanity of mind. He may not hit you but he'll destroy your sanity with his mind games. I'm 33 years old and I still don't have a clue about whether that guy feels anything for me. On top of that there's the psychological damage caused by standing by as he destroys my mother. She'd be your mother or your grandmother and it would kill you, Laney! You think you can stand it and that you can simply just ignore it. But when your actually there you can't! It would have killed you inside. But it isn't actually the sanity issue that's the main problem. It's the danger! And believe me my darling you would have been in so much danger! My dad seems determined to kill you. I knew from the day you were born he would. You don't need to know exactly why but believe me he has issues with people finding out your mine. And you know what? I would go as far to say that my dad is probably determined to hurt you in some way or another just to spite me! Because he knows I love you and your special to me. What better way to hurt me than by the heart? He can't let anyone have a normal, healthy life! He just can't. He would never have let you ever. He destroys everyone in his immediate family. He's determined to" Sara explained.  
  
At this point Sara burst out crying.  
  
"I just wanted you to have a normal, healthy life! Even though I didn't know you then I just wanted you to because you were mine! I didn't want you to get caught up in the web of destruction that is my family. No one can come out in one piece. Even Daven's screwed up! He's the sanest admittedly but that's probably because Libby isn't actually his mom and because he didn't live with us for the majority of the time. He loves my mom so much though! She is like a mother to him and it does kill himself inside to be there when they fight. In fact it probably kills him more because of the guilt. The guilt he feels because out of the two of them his biology parent is the monster. But do you know what the worst thing is? Daven looks set to ruin his life - because he's petrified to get marry! He's petrified because at the back of his mind he's scared he'll turn out like dad. You know why? - Because dad's trying to convince him he will" Sara confessed.  
  
Daven was sitting in the audience and hid his face his shame. He couldn't believe what his sister was admitting publicly about him.  
  
"Which is stupid because he's completely against the way dad is. He thinks Dad's a monster! He's completely on my mom's side. But just petrified that it's genetic or something. He's petrified!" Sara told them.  
  
Sara could vaguely see around the light that Daven was in the audience signalling for her to shut up.  
  
"Anyhow", Sara continued, "the point is I didn't want you to turn out as screwed up as us. The irony is you did! By abandoning you - I screwed you up! And I'm so sorry for that! I did it so the opposite would happen! I love you and I'd never want to hurt you! He does want to hurt you though! That is why I'm begging you, darling - even if you don't come back to me - please! Don't go back to him! Even if he says he loves you he probably doesn't. And if he does love you then it's not enough for him to actually put you first. I'm not saying this to be spiteful or make you feel unloved, darling. It's the same with me, even the same with my mom. Even if he loves people - it's never as much as he loves himself. He prefers getting his pleasure than you being safe - even if he really does love you. It's questionable about whether that is even love. I don't know if he does have feelings for us, kid - I really don't! It's the kind of thing that I lay awake at night wondering about. I'm not sure if I'll ever know! All is know is what I've told you. If he loves us it's not enough for us to be safe with him. Please leave him immediately!" Sara pleaded.  
  
Alaney felt sad. Ever since Michelle had told her Alaney had forgotten about her and Boby's special bond. She preferred Sara to him any day but she still cared. Now she didn't know what to think about that bond. She thought she could finally trust Boby. But if love wasn't enough then how could she ever trust Boby enough, to be alone with him, again.  
  
It was at this point that Libby appeared at the back of the club. No Boby just Libby alone. She sulked at the back and heard the rest of everything that followed.  
  
"If you think my realising revelation 1 was a shell shock to me - and probably you - then you should hear revelation 2. Number 2 was really a jaw dropping experience for me because I couldn't have expected this one to be true!" Sara disclosed.  
  
Sara took a deep breath.  
  
"I was sat thinking to myself about everything. About my life since you were born, about how I feel about you and about how unhappy I've been. And that was when it hit me. After a lot of thought, a lot of soul searching and a lot of talking to the bottom of my heart deep down. After a lot of reality checking, a lot of self-evaluation and after a lot of re- evaluation. I realised what had happened in my life. I realised how unhappy I've been and how I could have avoided my downfall into such unhappiness" Sara explained.  
  
"Use protection?" A woman whispered to her friend giggling in the corner.  
  
Alaney and Michelle turned and gave the woman an evil look. Luckily Sara didn't hear any of it.  
  
"I realised why I was unhappy" Sara told them.  
  
Sara took a deep breath and admitted,  
  
"I should have kept you"  
  
Libby was astounded by this revelation. She couldn't believe her daughter would think such a thing.  
  
Michelle and Alaney were quite surprised.  
  
"Not having you made me unhappy. I should have run away from my parents and raised you from day one" Sara confessed.  
  
Sara looked like she was still dealing with this self-revelation. It had definitely been a surprise to her.  
  
"I'm not sure how I would have initiated it. I mean it never crossed my mind when you were born to keep you. I suppose at the back of my mind I always thought that my mom was nineteen and she couldn't look after me - so how could raise a baby at 14?. But I realised I realised today that I'm different to my mom and I have to realise that. Most people younger than her did cope with a kid. And yeah I was younger - but people of fourteen have coped before haven't they? - why shouldn't I?. And I know it would be hard and I'm not entirely sure how we would have pulled it off. But I know I should have!. I know I would have done anything anyhow to have you, to raise you, to feed you and protect you. I might not have been able to get you private schooling but I reckon you'd still be a genius anyhow! I wish I could go back and raise you myself because it breaks my heart to have not raised you myself! I was lucky enough to see you grow up but I never had a hand in that growing up! I never got the chance to take you for your first day at school. I never got the chance to hear you say your first words. I never even got the chance to look after you when you were ill - and as time consuming and icky that sounds I would have loved to! I'm not sure when and where I could have decided to grab you and run away with you. Maybe I should have taken you and run away with you when I got that urge in the hospital. But all I know is if I could go back now I would have run away with you. Even now we could start again and try to be mother and daughter - but it will still be 18 years too late. You're all grown up! You're practically a fully-grown adult. I will never be able to get your childhood back! And I can have more kids but they'll never replace that! I would love you all the same but their growing up won't be your growing up. That will never come back to me!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Sara paused for breath as she had got herself in a state and solemnly bowed her head.  
  
She recovered and continued.  
  
"Let me explain why I've decided all this. You see you said that I was selfish. That all I wanted was my Ivy League school and my wonderful job. Both were and are brilliant, I admit!. I loved Harvard. I finally felt at home and felt like I belonged. And I love my job" Sara explained.  
  
Sara paused.  
  
"But I would exchange all that for you. I love you so much and you give me so much more joy than either of those ever did" Sara confessed  
  
Alaney cried even more at this point and gave a tearful but delightfully touched smile.  
  
"And for a long time before today I was scared. I was scared that I might had chosen Harvard over you. But I realised today that I hadn't!. I had just simply wanted to protect you!. I didn't want you to be unhappy!. You were Miranda's and I had no right to take you back once I'd give you to her - no matter how much I wanted to! I made excuses to myself that I couldn't let my feelings for you get in the way of my career plans but in truth it was all a front to protect you! Then when I found out you weren't happy with Miranda I thought it would break your heart to find out that I was the one who betrayed you. But let me reassure you - wherever I went I never forgot you! I always felt like you were there. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about you. I kept your photo with me everywhere. I tried to forget about you, but I just couldn't! Your amazing and even people who aren't your mother think that - how could I not love someone like you?" Sara told her.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"I thought giving you away would make you go away. The only thing I'd have to worry about was your protection. I thought it would be easy but it was the complete opposite! I couldn't forget about you - no matter what I tried. I thought giving you away would make me happy but the truth is it ruined my life! From the day I gave you away I was never truly happy again!. You coming to stay with me was the only thing that has made me truly happy. My life stopped the day you were born and since that day my life has just been a disaster. I should be settled down married and with kids now but I just couldn't. I couldn't move on with my life until I had you back. So I paused life - especially when I got out of college. It should have been the beginning but it was the end. I threw myself into work, didn't get close to too many people and never let myself commit to relationships because unconsciously I was waiting for you. I unconsciously put my life on hold for you. I took a pause in my life except that pause has been 18 years!. I'm 33 years old and I've suddenly realised that life has slipped me by. I have no life. I just work and sleep. I still feel like that 14-year-old girl. I stopped for a second and 18 years past by in the mean time. And I can't start living again until I have you as my daughter back in my life. I thought I could ignore you and move on but I couldn't!. You think I'm selfish and put my happiness first. Well I gave you up and look at me now!. Is this what you call happy, Alaney?!?. Giving you up ruined my life! - because I need you!. You are the solution and I never took the solution so I suffered!. I didn't take the solution because I thought you'd be happier the way you were but you weren't!. Everything is just so screwed up!. I can't keep living like this Laney - I need you and I know you need me too! Let us help each other heal! Please!  
  
Sara had got herself in a state and needed to calm down.  
  
"I don't know what else to say or do to get you to forgive me. I'm sorry. I wish more than ever I had kept and never given you away - because then I could have had a life. Then I would be happy!. And I'm unhappy. I've wasted half my life away being unhappy about leaving you" Sara concluded with a sound of defeat in her voice.  
  
Sara couldn't continue as she burst into tears. Alison came over and comforted her.  
  
Libby had been listening to all this and it broke her heart. She realised how much not having Alaney had destroyed Sara. Libby had always thought keeping Alaney away would make it easier for Sara but it clearly didn't. Libby sulked away, as she'd come in, without anyone seeing her.  
  
"I thought giving you up would make me happy. But it did the complete opposite!. And you know what? - you're right. I am selfish! All I care about is my happiness - that is why I wished I had kept you. Because I wouldn't have felt guilty so I'd be happy! Because I would be happy because your presence makes me happy and because you'd be happy and that makes me happy!. It's all my selfish instinct! But so what? - everyone is selfish! The only reason you want your kid to be happy is because when you see them happy it makes you happy!" Sara admitted almost like she were drunk.  
  
Sara thought to herself for what else to say. She couldn't think anything. That was it. Her last hope. All she could think of to do she had done.  
  
"I love you" Sara concluded lost for words.  
  
But Sara couldn't finish there. Secretly she didn't want to finish because she was scared Alaney would turn around and still hate her.  
  
"Please forgive me. My decision mucked up both our lives. I never had another kid because I could never forgive myself for giving you up. I was a bad mother to you, so I figured I couldn't be a good mother to anyone else. I don't know how, I don't know where but I know I should have raised you myself! Fourteen or not! It was the only solution and I blew it!" Sara told her.  
  
"I love you. Please forgive me" Sara finished her appeal, sounding defeated.  
  
She looked out to the audience but all she could see was the bright lights staring in her eyes. She couldn't see Alaney's reaction through any of her speech. What was Alaney thinking? Was she going to forgive Sara? Sara pondered.  
  
"Wait! Before you say anything! I want to sing you a song. I wrote many songs about you but this is probably the most profound for me. It's so fitting to describe how I feel about you and the years. Plus you've heard the songs I wrote for you but you've never seen me sing them in dedication of you. So Michelle, I need you and your band. I want to sing 'I'd rather be in love' please" Sara announced.  
  
"But" Alaney said.  
  
"Let her", Michelle told Alaney as Michelle got up, "It will be good for her".  
  
So, Sara performed the song in dedication and to Alaney herself. Michelle joined in the chorus but Sara sand the verses alone. Alaney cried tears of joy the whole way through. It was the best moment of her life. ("I cannot help it I couldn't stop it if I tried. The same old heartbeat fills the emptiness I have inside. And I've heard that you can't fight love, so I won't complain. Because why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on?.  
  
Because when there's you, I feel whole. And there's no better feeling in the world  
  
But without you I'm alone. And I'd rather be in love with you.  
  
Turn out the lights now. To see is to believe. I just want you near me  
  
I just want you here with me. And I'd give up everything only for you  
  
It's the least that I could do.  
  
Because when there's you, I feel whole and there's no better feeling in the world.  
  
But without you I'm alone and I'd rather be in love with you  
  
And I feel you holding me. Why are we afraid to be in love?  
  
To be loved. I can't explain it. I know it's tough to be loved. And I feel you holding me.  
  
When there's you, I feel whole and there's no better feeling in the world  
  
But without you I'm alone. And I'd rather be in love. Yes, I'd rather be in love  
  
Oh, I'd rather be in love with you")  
  
Sara finished and waited. She found she was shaking with fear.  
  
Through the lights Sara suddenly saw Alaney appear. Alaney was smiling. Alaney looked delighted.  
  
"Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up you silly idiot! You didn't need to say any of that! You didn't need to sing that! I love you!" Alaney shouted while running up joyfully.  
  
They hugged.  
  
Sara was so delighted and so relieved. She cried tears of joy.  
  
"None of that needed to be said because I know the truth! I know everything! I know about my father!. You don't need to feel anything for me and I'd understand! I don't understand how you can love me though" Alaney added.  
  
"What? But how do you know? Who told you?" Sara asked.  
  
Her reply echoed across the microphone and Sara realised that if Alaney really did know about Boby and the rape then they needed to discuss this in private.  
  
"Umm, we've got to go. Michelle come up and sing" Sara commanded.  
  
"But" Michelle was about to say something.  
  
"Now! Why do I have the overwhelming feeling this has something to do with you?" Sara responded angrily.  
  
Sara grabbed Alaney and took her off the stage. The audience sighed with disappointment - they wanted their soap opera.  
  
"What do you mean you know?" Sara asked surprised.  
  
"I know you were raped. And you don't need to worry - I don't care who my father is. He's a bastard and I don't want anything to do with him. I don't want to know him. I don't even want to see what he looks like! No wonder you wouldn't tell me who it was" Alaney replied.  
  
"But you don't know who it is?" Sara asked.  
  
"I don't want to know" Alaney reassured her.  
  
"Anyway forget about that. Do you forgive me?" Sara asked.  
  
"Of course, I forgive you silly! You didn't need to say that you should have kept me! You were raped none of it was your fault. I was not your responsibility! Why didn't you tell me the circumstances, silly?!? You let me blame you and hate you! Of course I wouldn't have blamed you! It wasn't your fault! But as you never corrected me I assumed it wasn't an option. I don't know I never thought you could be raped. Stuff like that only happens on tv. I know Boby does that but I also know he's rare. You poor thing! - being raped and having a dad like that! Irony's cruel hand of fate, hey?" Alaney told her.  
  
Sara gave a pathetic laugh.  
  
"It doesn't matter if I was raped I still shouldn't have gave you up. It wasn't fair to you!" Sara declared.  
  
"I can't believe you! I can't believe you'd love me! I can't believe you would even want to look me in the face! How can you love me, let alone want me. after you were raped to get me?" Alaney asked.  
  
Sara looked shocked. She touched Alaney's face in affection.  
  
"It doesn't matter where you came from. You're still my daughter I can't help but love you!. You can't just turn the love button on or off - I should know! - I tried! Anyway, how can I not love you? Everyone thinks your amazing and your all mine! I know I didn't raise you but I created you and so I did have a part in making you as wonderful a person as you are" Sara remarked affectionately.  
  
Alaney broke out into tears.  
  
"I'm so sorry! I was such a cow to you!" Alaney confessed.  
  
Sara hugged her.  
  
"You didn't know. I should have told you. I just didn't want you to feel guilty or do something stupid when you found out how you were born" Sara replied.  
  
"You see. You're an amazingly caring person and I called you horrible names about you being the complete opposite! Not only am I a omen to you but I'm an ungrateful pain in the arse too" Alaney sobbed regrettably.  
  
"You see your doing it already! I knew you'd blame yourself! You have nothing to feel guilty for. You made everything good again. Do you know what Miranda herself said to me?" Sara told her.  
  
Alaney shook her head.  
  
"Well, let me put it the way she did. How do you cure a nettle sting?" Sara asked.  
  
"I don't know - cream?" Alaney suggested.  
  
"No, a dock leaf, silly! And where do you find dock leaves?" Sara asked.  
  
"Next to the nettles. But what do you mean? I don't understand" Alaney added.  
  
"Yes, I was raped and it was a terrible thing. But then you came along. You were the dock leaf and it was the nettle. You were the cure - the solution!. I just never took the cure. You were this amazing cure and I ignored it. You're not an omen! - you're the opposite! - I was lucky to have you after the rape!" Sara explained.  
  
"What? You really think that?!? O.k., but it still doesn't make sense - I don't even live next to this rapist so the symbolism doesn't work" Alaney replied.  
  
Sara smiled and gave a laugh at Alaney saying this.  
  
"You came out of the rape - even better than a dock leaf! Nettles don't pop out dock leaves from themselves - you have to find them. You took no finding!" Sara told her.  
  
They hugged sentiemntally.  
  
"Oh I nearly forgot I've wrote a song too! I need to sing it to you! It seems even more fitting now" Alaney announced.  
  
"But you hate singing" Sara laughed.  
  
"I want to sing to you!" Alaney assured her.  
  
"I'd love to hear it then" Sara replied.  
  
So, Michelle and her band went on stage again. This time Alaney sang. She sang a song called 'All you wanted' that Michelle had helped her put into a song.  
  
("I wanted to be like you. I wanted everything. So I tried to be like you  
  
and I got swept away. I didn't know that it was so cold  
  
and you needed someone to show you the way. So I took your hand and we figured out that when the time comes I'd take you away  
  
If you want to I can save you. I can take you away from here  
  
So lonely inside. So busy out there and all you wanted was somebody who cares  
  
I'm sinking slowly so hurry hold me. Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on. Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone  
  
If you want to I can save you. I can take you away from here. So lonely inside  
  
So busy out there and all you wanted was somebody who cares  
  
Please can you tell me so I can finally see where you go when you're gone")  
  
Sara was in tears throughout the whole song. As soon as the song finished Alaney run up to Sara and hugged her.  
  
"That was wonderful! Yes, of course I want you!" Sara responded.  
  
"As what?" Alaney asked as if the thought had just hit her.  
  
"What?" Sara replied surprised and awkward.  
  
"What are we going to be to each other?" Alaney asked worried.  
  
Sara looked awkward, looked down and started playing with her hands.  
  
"Whatever you want to be" Sara replied shyly.  
  
"What do you want to be?" Alaney asked awkward and shy herself.  
  
"What do you want to be?" Sara asked back.  
  
Alaney shrugged.  
  
"You, umm. You mentioned wanting to keep me back then and you mentioned you being unhappy without me being your daughter. Does that mean you want me to be, maybe? I know it will be hard and really weird. Feel free to say no. Don't feel guilty about it but I just thought I'd ask in case. Would you consider, maybe, trying out me being your dau - daug" Alaney stumbled nervously.  
  
"Daughter! Yes! That's what I want too! I just didn't know whether you wanted it. I know it will be weird but we can try right?" Sara interrupted.  
  
"Right!" Alaney exclaimed delighted.  
  
They hugged tearfully. They were both so relieved they wanted the same thing and didn't embarrass themselves.  
  
Sara grabbed Alaney's hand.  
  
"Come on, let's sit down and get a drink. We need one!" Sara commented.  
  
"Wait Sara!. There's something I've got to tell you!" Alaney panicked.  
  
"What?" Sara asked concerned.  
  
"I'm not going to Harvard" Alaney announced anxiously.  
  
"Why? You said they accepted you" Sara responded.  
  
"I don't want to move across country now when I'm only just getting to know you!" Alaney answered.  
  
"But it's your dream!" Sara replied.  
  
"No, my dream was to have my mother!" Alaney reminded Sara.  
  
Sara took a deep breath and smiled.  
  
"Well, your mother loves that you're going to be nearer!. So which Ivy League are you going to? One in California?" Sara asked.  
  
"Las Vegas" Alaney replied reluctantly.  
  
Sara looked gobsmacked.  
  
"But there is no ivy league in Las Vegas" Sara responded almost sarcastic.  
  
"Sara!", Alaney chided her, "I'm serious".  
  
"But you worked so hard to get into Ivy League!" Sara responded.  
  
"All I want is to be a CSI. Warrick and Catherine went there and they got to be CSIs and they're brilliant CSIs. And to be honest - I didn't work hard!. I'm not like you, Sara. I didn't work every hour God sends and I didn't hide behind books to avoid life. I was naturally clever. I only did enough work to get me my A's and the rest was natural cleverness. But you research so much further! - for fun!. I don't think I'd even fit in at Harvard. I don't enjoy studying!" Alaney explained.  
  
Sara laughed and hugged Laney into her.  
  
"And your going to pass Ivy League all for me?" Sara asked delighted.  
  
"Of course! Like you said no question. The two of us comes first. I value being with you more than anything! I just want to be with you! We have so much lost time to make up for" Alaney reassured her.  
  
"Well, being the selfish cow that I am - I'm secretly glad your staying here. I don't know how I would have coped if you'd gone far away!" Sara admitted to her.  
  
They enjoyed each other's company for a short while and then Alaney sighed.  
  
"I've got to move out of your parents now!" Alaney said.  
  
"Why? Don't you want to?" Sara asked surprised.  
  
"No, I do. I can't stand that man!" Alaney replied.  
  
"Why can't you stand him?" Sara asked concerned that Alaney really did know.  
  
"You put him in perspective for me up there. Plus he lied to me about begging you to keep me!. The opposite was true. On top of that, all that stuff you said about him never being able to love people enough to put them first. I've been such a fool! How could I have stood by and ignored all the pain he caused your mom, Catherine and all those women? The circumstances of my birth have really brought to life just how evil he is. He goes around doing what my father did to you. I can never love a man like that!" Alaney explained disgusted.  
  
"So, why don't you want to move out?" Sara asked.  
  
"Well, two reasons. One, even though he doesn't love me more than himself, I really do believe he's fallen in love with me. It will break his heart. Then secondly, what if he doesn't take the news well?" Alaney answered.  
  
Sara put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll be with you. He won't do anything to you while I'm there" Sara reassured her.  
  
Alaney smiled at Sara as a thank you.  
  
"Hey, why don't you come home with me tonight? Leave the bust up till the morning. We can't exactly pack all your stuff up now anyway" Sara suggested.  
  
Alaney smiled again. This was a relief to her. She could put off the consequences till tomorrow. 


	37. Sacarifice

Alaney sat curled up on the sofa. She was hugging Sara and Sara was  
equally hugging her back. They had been sitting in that position for the  
last half an hour. Michelle was sat next to them on the remainder of the  
sofa and Janey had chosen to sit on the floor next to the radiator. They  
were all drinking camomile tea, except Sara who was drinking wine.  
  
"They're quite sweet you know" Alaney commented.  
  
"Who?" Sara asked  
  
"Your parents" Alaney replied.  
  
"Libby and Boby? Sweet?" Michelle responded.  
  
"You only think that because they were on their best behaviour when you  
were there. You wait till they start fighting - then you'll think  
differently" Sara told Alaney.  
  
"I'm not gullible or blinded by his love anymore. I know he's a monster  
and I know they were only acting happy around me. I know she plays him"  
Alaney told them.  
  
"What do you mean plays him?" Janey asked.  
  
"You know. She tries to sweeten him up to avoid trouble breaking out. She  
tries to stay neutral. I know all that!. What I'm talking about though is  
real. I mean the stuff they didn't know I was watching or the times when  
I could tell they weren't acting!" Alaney told them.  
  
"What do you mean exactly?" Janey asked curious.  
  
"They have such a connection! They've been together most of their lives  
and even if Libby doesn't love Boby or even like him she's got a special  
bond with him. It's like their best friends, except she doesn't actually  
like him she just tolerates him. They have that kind of connection. You  
know the one where they know each other so well! The type of connection a  
lot of married couples have after a while - even if they aren't in love  
they have a special bond. Basically, what I'm saying is - I can't see  
them ever being apart. I mean Libby has spent all her adult life with  
that man. What would she do without him? Their a team" Alaney explained.  
  
"Cute" Sara remarked unimpressed.  
  
"It doesn't defeat the point he's a monster or that he's too dangerous  
for her to live with" Sara insisted.  
  
"Exactly" Michelle backed Sara up.  
  
"Sorry" Alaney reacted offended.  
  
"You don't know him like we do, Alaney" Michelle remarked.  
"How would you know him better?" Alaney asked Michelle annoyed.  
  
"Because he hasn't chose to ignore me my entire life - unlike you"  
Michelle replied with a snipe.  
  
Michelle stormed off into Alaney's room, where Michelle and Janey were  
staying.  
  
"What's up with her?" Alaney asked.  
  
Alaney sighed and huffed in frustration.  
  
"We used to be so close. We're meant to be best friends. But lately we've  
felt so distant" Alaney remarked.  
  
"She has issues. Don't worry about it. I'll go check on her" Sara  
responded stressed herself.  
  
Before entering Alaney's room, Sara turned and looked at Alaney.  
  
"Look, Alaney. Believe me when you witness them fight. Well, I know  
you've witnessed them fight - but that was outdoors and their not as bad  
outdoors and also you weren't as close to them back then. When you  
witness them fight and you're so close to them - you wouldn't find them  
cute at all!" Sara explained.  
  
Sara entered Alaney's room and came over to Michelle on Alaney's double  
bed.  
  
"What's up?" Sara asked actually uninterested.  
  
The way Sara asked the question suggested she didn't really care and was  
secretly annoyed with Michelle, but asking for necessity.  
  
Michelle gave her a 'you know what's up' look.  
  
"I told Alaney I was coming to comfort you but I think you know what I'm  
really here for" Sara commented.  
  
Michelle suddenly looked down embarrassed.  
  
"What makes you think it was me?" Michelle asked.  
  
"Was it?" Sara asked trying to keep her temper.  
  
"She was saying and thinking such horrible things about you and you both  
need each other and all she needed to know the truth" Michelle whined  
bursting into tears.  
  
Sara went ballistic.  
  
"Michelle!?! You idiot!?!?!" Sara shouted.  
  
Michelle had never seen Sara so angry. She's disobeyed or annoyed Sara  
before concerning Alaney but Sara had never looked so furious.  
  
"But look it's all worked out! Your both happy now!" Michelle pleaded.  
  
"Worked out!", Sara screamed, "The only thing is working out from this is  
my father's working out a plan of how to assassinate her! - maybe even  
you and me! Do you think I will be happy when she's dead?!?!".  
  
"He wouldn't! He's dropped that! He gave her a kidney for goodness sake,  
that's hardly the actions of someone trying to kill her!" Michelle sobbed  
defensively.  
  
"Let me spell it out to you! - as you seem so dumb that you don't realise  
the situation!" Sara screamed at her furious.  
  
Michelle was really taken aback and scared by Sara's temper. Michelle  
ironically observed how much Sara was beginning to act like her father at  
this precise moment.  
  
"My dad seems to be under the impression that killing Alaney will stop  
his little secret coming out. He's completely wrong but he's convinced!  
He's convinced that if she found out then she'd tell the police - and you  
know what? He's right about that! So let me give you a little timeline.  
You already know all this but you seem to need reminding and summing up.  
First, she existed! - and by some miracle he let her live for 18 years.  
Then Alaney turned up on my doorstep and when that happened it really was  
a miracle he didn't kill her. Then my dad finds out I was writing songs  
of love about missing her and by some miracle, again, he didn't kill her!  
Then I announce she's living with me and I'm not giving her back. He got  
violent but no one ended up dead. Mainly thanks to blackmail! Then my  
work colleagues find out he's violent. Then the hospital demands her  
parentage - I had to tell the hospital she was my daughter and he knows  
that. He knows I told the hospital! Then to make matters worse they then  
need his kidney. The only reason he didn't let her die then is because my  
mother and me blackmailed him! Then people find out she's my sister. So  
now they know we're family. The net is closing tighter and tighter in and  
he still hasn't killed her" Sara shouted furiously.  
  
"What does that tell you? - He's bluffing!" Michelle responded.  
  
"Shut up! I haven't finished speaking you silly idiot! It's all adding up  
if she doesn't guess they will!" Sara bit back.  
  
"Sara, don't get like this with me. I just want to help!" Michelle  
sobbed.  
  
"Then! She finds out I'm her sister. Then! She finds out I'm her mother.  
Then! She finds out I was raped. Do you understand how tight the net is  
right now? It's strangling him so much he's going to snap for certain!"  
Sara screamed at her.  
  
Sara grabbed Michelle and began shaking her.  
  
"Don't you see! He's going to kill her! He can't let this continue! It's  
going to click soon who her father is! It's a miracle she hasn't guessed!  
He's not going to take any chances - he'll just kill her when it gets too  
much! This is all too much! She's only one step away from finding the  
truth thanks to you!" Sara shouted.  
  
Sara suddenly let go, burst into tears and sat on the bed.  
  
"We were just hanging onto her life by a thread and now it's snapped that  
thread. It's over! He's going to try to kill her!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"But what about all that stuff you said to her at the club? - about your  
future together?" Michelle asked.  
  
"Well, I'm not going to let him kill her!" Sara replied astounded  
Michelle could think that.  
  
"What if you can't stop him?" Michelle asked.  
  
"Of course, I can stop him. I have a gun and he doesn't" Sara replied  
logically.  
  
"But what if he calls your bluff? I mean he must know your never shoot"  
Michelle replied.  
  
"Who said anything about a bluff?" Sara asked too calmly.  
  
Michelle got up in astonishment.  
  
"Your not serious!" Michelle asked terrified.  
  
Sara didn't answer. She just looked away.  
  
"What about your job?" Michelle asked.  
  
"I'd choose Alaney over my job any day!" Sara replied.  
  
"She'll never see you if your in jail or on death row!" Michelle shouted  
in response.  
  
"I don't care as long as she's alive. Whatever it takes to keep her  
alive" Sara told her.  
  
Michelle sat down on the bed hands on her face stressed.  
  
"I didn't say definitely. Of course, I'd try every other way. I'd try to  
restrain him. I'd try to scare him. But if the worst comes to the worst  
of course I'm going to go all the way. I have to for Alaney's sake,  
Michelle!" Sara pleaded with Michelle.  
  
"I don't know you anymore! The Sara I know would never talk like this!  
What happened to violence doesn't solve anything?" Michelle asked.  
  
"What other choice do I have?" Sara asked annoyed.  
  
"Go to the police!" Michelle shouted.  
  
"I can't risk her doing something stupid when she finds out! She might  
hurt herself and I might not get to her in time to stop her!" Sara  
explained.  
  
"But he's your father!" Michelle exclaimed.  
  
"Hardly" Sara remarked.  
  
"Oh come on Sara! I know what lurks behind all that pretence! You can't  
help it but you love him! I can't imagine you killing him! I refuse to  
believe it!" Michelle replied.  
  
"If I have to choose I love Alaney more!. And she's the one who deserves  
to live not him!" Sara reasoned.  
  
Sara was about to storm out the room but Michelle jumped in front of her  
way.  
  
"I am not letting you out of this room. You're scaring me!" Michelle  
declared.  
  
Michelle stood in front of the door.  
  
"Sit down and think about this carefully" Michelle begged.  
  
"What are you saying? I should let him kill her?" Sara asked.  
  
"No! I'm saying there's got to be another way!" Michelle insisted.  
  
"I know and I hope there is" Sara replied  
  
"There is!" Michelle insisted panicked.  
  
"Then everything will be fine!" Sara insisted.  
  
"Once you've decided you could kill someone it doesn't stop there. You  
don't know what your capable of anymore. What you say and actually do may  
be different from each other" Michelle explained.  
  
Sara gave Michelle an angry look and stormed out.  
  
Michelle stayed in Alaney's room for the rest of the night. Sara couldn't  
relax for the rest of the evening and the happy mood had been spoilt.  
Alaney and Janey had heard the shouting but not the precise details. When  
Alaney asked Sara what had happened Sara snubbed her off about it. Alaney  
and Janey were actually relieved when Sara announced she was going to bed  
fifteen minutes later. Though Alaney loved Sara dearly and was desperate  
to spend time with her - she didn't want to spend time with Sara in this  
mood. Alaney and Janey sat playing a board game for an hour before  
finally retiring to bed themselves.  
  
Everyone had agreed earlier that Janey & Michelle would share Alaney's  
bed and Sara & Alaney would share Sara's bed.  
  
So Alaney crept into Sara's room trying to not wake Sara. But Sara was  
already awake. She hadn't been able to sleep and Alaney found her crying.  
Alaney came over, got into bed and hugged her mom into her.  
  
"Sshh. Sshh. I'm here for you. What's wrong?" Alaney said.  
  
Sara turned over and smiled tearfully at Alaney.  
  
"Nothing. I just need you to sleep in my arms tonight, o.k.? That's all I  
need. I just need to hold you" Sara sobbed.  
  
Alaney turned over onto her side and Sara held her.  
  
"Everything's going to be alright, darling. I promise. I'm going to sort  
everything. Nothing may even happen tomorrow. Nothing. But if it does  
I'll sort it" Sara sobbed.  
  
When Alaney realised what she thought Sara was crying about Alaney was  
worried. How bad could it be? Why was Sara so calm about it at the club?  
Had she had time to think? Had Michelle said something?  
  
Sara took her arms away briefly and got some pills out her bedside  
drawer. She got a glass of water and took two. Then, agitated, she forced  
two into Alaney's mouth and gave her the glass of water.  
  
"Take these. They're sleeping pills. We'll sleep like lambs" Sara  
insisted.  
  
"But" Alaney quibbled.  
  
"Take them" Sara demanded.  
  
Alaney knew she'd never sleep without them. So she took them.  
  
Within half an hour the pills had knocked them out.  
  
They did sleep like lambs in each other's arms.  
  
Boby spent most of that night pacing his room waiting for Alaney to  
return. Deep down he knew Alaney was at Sara's. He knew he'd lost Alaney  
and he knew Alaney knew too much. He couldn't sleep worrying about what  
to do.  
  
Within twenty-four hours, one of the trio would be presumed dead. Police  
sniffer dogs would be searching for their body throughout the woods.  
Police on suspicion of murder would take in the remaining one. The final  
one would be lying in hospital on a life support machine hanging between  
life and death.  
Twelve minutes past twelve that afternoon, Sara and Alaney had arrived at  
the Sidle's Las Vegas rented home. Before walking in Sara took a deep  
breath. She was hoping this would be as easy as possible. Sara and Alaney  
had devised an excuse as to why Alaney was leaving that would not involve  
Boby knowing that Alaney knew Sara was raped. However, that plan failed  
immediately.  
  
"How did I know you'd be with her? You could have called! We were worried  
sick" Boby shouted at Alaney.  
  
"Actually, I wasn't! I was quite relieved your back with your momma,  
angel" Libby commented.  
  
"Shut up!" Boby shouted to Libby.  
  
"Real nice dad, real nice!" Sara commented.  
  
"How did you know I was at Sara's? I hate her!" Alaney asked.  
  
"Not anymore apparently! Oh I heard all about your little heart to heart  
last night" Boby commented annoyed.  
  
"How did you find out?" Sara asked  
  
"Libby was there. She heard it all" Boby informed them.  
  
"And you came running back and told him everything, like a good little  
girl scout, didn't you!" Sara commented annoyed.  
  
"I didn't realise it was a secret!" Libby defended herself.  
  
"Why would you care anyway?" Alaney asked Boby.  
  
"Because now you going to go running back to snow white over there. You  
just used us, Alaney! Used us till a better offer came along!" Boby  
shouted.  
  
"Rubbish that's not why you're pissed off!" Sara remarked.  
  
"Well, you knew the deal when you asked me" Alaney shouted back at Boby.  
  
Alaney stormed off to her room and started packing.  
  
Boby had a change of heart and followed her.  
  
"Laney, don't do this. She'll just break your heart again. She can't love  
you after what happened she just can't" Boby pleaded.  
  
"And what you can? You don't know what love is!" Alaney shouted back at  
him.  
  
Boby came over and tried to get Alaney to stop packing.  
  
"Please. Libby and I can offer you a family. What can she offer you?"  
Boby reasoned.  
  
"She's my biological mother!" Alaney replied.  
  
"We're your biological grandparents" Boby suggested.  
  
"You lied to me" Alaney admitted.  
  
"What? When did I lie to you?" Boby asked.  
  
"You said you tried to persuade her to keep me. You did the complete  
opposite!" Alaney shouted.  
  
Boby paused.  
  
"She couldn't of kept you after what happened" Boby pretended to be  
solemn.  
  
"Oh yeah and you care! What about all those women you did exactly the  
same to? Do you really think I've forgotten what you are" Alaney shouted.  
  
"It didn't seem to bother you before yesterday afternoon!" Boby accused.  
  
"You make me sick!" Alaney bellowed in his face.  
  
She had packed her one suitcase and dragged it off. Boby followed her.  
  
"Wait!" Boby pleaded.  
  
Alaney and Sara waited. They wanted to see what he was going to say.  
  
"Just stay for some lunch. We've made sandwiches and have camomile tea.  
Don't go under a cloud like this" Boby suggested.  
  
Sara and Alaney looked at each other. They did prefer to leave civilly.  
  
"O.k." the pair agreed.  
  
The four of them sat to lunch. They mainly sat in silence. They attempted  
some awkward conversations, mainly initiated by Boby or Libby, but this  
mainly failed.  
  
About half an hour into the conversation, Boby decided to make it even  
more awkward.  
  
"Why her and not me?" Boby asked Alaney.  
  
"I've already told you why. I would have thought it was obvious to you  
anyway! You're a monster. How can anyone love a cold hearted monster?"  
Alaney replied so calm, mature and logical.  
  
Boby looked so put out. He cleared up the plates and cups and stormed  
off.  
  
"I'll wash up" Boby told them annoyed.  
  
"I'll help" Libby offered flustered.  
  
When Libby got over to Boby he was washing up rather aggressively. In  
fact the plates were hardly getting washed up at all. He only half washed  
some and ended up throwing most of the others across the kitchen. Sara  
and Alaney could hear the smash and jumped with a start. Sara went to  
check everything was o.k.  
  
"It's fine" Libby reassured her.  
  
Sara went back to the table.  
  
"What's going on?" Alaney asked her.  
  
"They're just verbally squalling, at most! Don't worry. It's rather  
refreshing!" Sara replied cheerfully.  
  
"I'm not worried. They'd never fight when I'm here! I'm a stranger,  
remember! They've got to act pleasant around me - I'm not one of you lot"  
Alaney remarked upset.  
  
"Trust me - it's better to be in your position" Sara remarked.  
  
Libby had taken the washing up cloth and handed Boby a towel. She took  
the half washed washing up and began washing it.  
  
"I'm not going to let her take her from me. We've only just got her! Boby  
insisted.  
  
"It's going to be alright" Libby lied.  
  
"I don't care if it's alright - I want her!" Boby exclaimed frustrated.  
  
"For what?" Libby enquired quite worried.  
  
"For a daughter" Boby replied like it was obvious.  
  
"You have a daughter!" Libby reminded him.  
  
"She hates me!" Boby replied.  
  
"So does Alaney" Libby reminded her.  
  
Boby sighed frustrated.  
  
Libby left it for a few moments before saying anything else.  
  
"I think you should let them go and live happily together" Libby  
suggested.  
  
"Well, I don't really care what you think!" Boby shouted intolerantly.  
  
"Listen, Sara will be happy because she has her daughter. Alaney will be  
satisfied having her biological mother. She is absolutely appalled with  
her father so won't look him up. Janey told me Alaney doesn't want to  
know who he is anymore. Alaney won't look for her father and Sara will  
not get at you anymore because she'll finally be happy. You gave her that  
happiness so she'll stop bitching at you! If you're lucky Sara and Alaney  
may even come visit and your have both your daughters and granddaughter.  
Everyone's happy!" Libby suggested.  
  
Out of the blue, Boby slapped her across the face so hard she fell to the  
floor. She was sobbing. He then grabbed her by the wrists and pulled her  
up to his face.  
  
"Shut the f**k up! What kind of fairytale world are you living in? Sara  
will never stop hating me! She won't ever let me see Alaney! But more  
importantly everything in the revelation department will not be all right  
you, silly cow because this is nosey interfering Alaney we're talking  
about" Boby shouted in her face.  
  
He dropped her back on the floor and turned away. He carried on talking  
as if to himself.  
  
"Yeah now she doesn't want to find her father now, but she'll get bored  
of that soon! She'll want to know who he is, if only to know what he  
looks like so she can see herself in him! On top of that you cannot  
assume the truth will not come out some way or another. I've had enough  
of that annoying kid's presence!" Boby continued.  
  
"What do you mean?" Libby asked.  
  
Boby didn't answer.  
  
"You don't even know this girl! You don't know what she'll do" Libby  
suggested sobbing.  
  
He grabbed her and shook her again.  
  
"Aren't you listening to me?!? I know her well enough to know what she'll  
do!" Boby shouted in her face again  
  
He threw her on the floor again.  
  
"I've watched her while she's playing, while she's talking to people,  
while she's arguing with people. I've watched in the bushes and through  
windows when she's not looking. I've taped her, followed her and recorded  
her. Do you seriously think I would just forget the fact she exists!"  
Boby admitted with no shame.  
  
"You've stalked her! You really are a psycho!" Libby shouted in a moment  
of bravery.  
  
He exploded.  
  
He started punching her. He punched her twice in the stomach, once across  
the right side of the face and then the left side as her face turn. Then  
he grabbed her and shouted in her face again,  
  
"If she finds out it's over! She'll tell the world! I know her!" Boby  
shouted at her.  
  
He dropped her again and started pacing the room,  
  
"Knowing her and her thirst for justice. She'll probably try to  
investigate it in a hope that she can expose the rapist! Because she's  
annoying like that!" Boby told himself.  
  
"Your acting like you hate her! You love her remember! You guys were all  
lovey dovey yesterday!" Libby pleaded scared of what he would do.  
  
He turned and looked straight at Libby.  
  
"It's all your fault she's going! This was my chance for a new daughter!  
But you had to make her feel so uncomfortable, didn't you? We could have  
watched her and made sure she didn't find out if she'd been there! You've  
ruined everything!" Boby started shouting at her.  
  
He slapped her, then he punched her in the stomach again and then he  
grabbed her head and threw her towards the kitchen cupboard. She screamed  
as she went hurtling towards the cupboard and hit her head. By some  
miracle she wasn't knocked out. She just felt dizzy.  
  
Sara and Alaney had been sitting in the next room and were unsure about  
whether the argument had become violent. Suddenly they heard Libby's  
scream as she hurtled toward the cupboard.  
  
"Congratulations! Your no longer a stranger!" Sara remarked.  
  
Alaney wasn't as happy about this moment anymore.  
  
Sara and Alaney ran in to witness Libby walk away from the cupboard  
dizzily.  
  
Boby did not see the girls behind him. He grabbed Libby's top with one  
hand and punched her round the face with the other.  
  
Alaney gave a blood-curdling scream.  
  
All the others turned round and stared at her. They were surprised by her  
odd and dramatic reaction.  
  
It didn't take long for them to go back to business though. Boby threw  
Libby down onto the floor and started kicking her stomach.  
  
"Stop that!" Sara shouted annoyed.  
  
Sara ran over and tried to get him off her.  
  
Alaney stood there petrified. She wanted to help Libby but she was just  
too scared to move. Her feet seemed glued to the spot even though she  
tried to move her knees forward.  
  
Sara couldn't get him off. He was so set on attacking Libby. He  
eventually hit out at Sara and sent her flying backwards, so he could  
carry on attacking Libby. Sara got up, got out her gun and held it to his  
head.  
  
"I said stop!" Sara demanded calm but stern.  
  
He smirked and put his hands up like it was a joke.  
  
"I don't like you with that gun. You've become too gun happy! Boby  
remarked jokily.  
  
Sara put the gun away. Boby got up and ran off.  
  
"Oigh! We haven't finished!" Sara shouted after him.  
  
Sara went running after him.  
  
"Sara wait! What about Libby?" Alaney run after her.  
  
"She'll be fine. But anyway - Your going to look after her" Sara told  
Alaney, as Sara put a hand on Alaney's shoulder.  
  
"Thanks" Sara added without giving Alaney time to answer.  
  
Sara ran out the house and ran after Boby. She saw Boby slip into a hut  
like building quite nearby. She assumed her parents must occupy it too  
because there was nothing and no one else living there for miles. She  
followed him inside.  
  
At first, she couldn't see him. It was a small hut so she couldn't work  
out where he could be.  
  
She was about to turn round and look behind when, before she knew it, she  
felt a sharp pain on the back of her head.  
  
Everything went black. 


	38. A game of cat and mouse

When Sara re-awoke she found herself gagged and sitting in a chair. Her wrists were tied in front of her and her ankles were tied to the chair.  
  
"Good morning, sunshine" Boby commented smugly.  
  
Sara grunted angrily.  
  
"Don't worry it's not really morning. You've only been out cold for fifteen minutes at the most" Boby informed her.  
  
He had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and was pouring it into the glass in his other hand.  
  
"Want some?" Boby offered her a drink as a joke.  
  
Sara was trying to break free and squealing under the gag but she couldn't say or do anything.  
  
"Well, I offered" Boby pretended.  
  
"I'm sorry it's had to come to this. You see I need to talk to you and this was the only way I could get you to listen to me quietly. I had to silence your constant whingeing sometime!" Boby told smarmily.  
  
Sara tried some squealing and trying to break free again. Boby laughed at this.  
  
"Will you stop and give that up! We have to talk about the brat. Well, I talk and you listen!" Boby informed her.  
  
Sara went hysterical. She was determined to break free now. She jumped and wriggled and eventually the chair she was in toppled over onto the floor.  
  
"Oh you silly girl! Look what you've done now - you've hurt yourself!" he remarked.  
  
He came over and untied her ankles from the chair, leaving her to wriggle about on the floor legs free.  
  
She managed to sit up eventually.  
  
"Look I know you've grown fond of her and even I have! But enough's enough. She's a liability! She knows too much! She's going to figure it out any day now. To make matters worse she's not the kind to keep it quiet! She'll go straight to the police! She's got to go! I'm sorry Sara but I've got to kill her. I have no choice! The risks outweigh the love" Boby declared matter of factly.  
  
Sara got up and started charging at Boby, trying to attack him with her wrists still tied up. He saw her coming and threw her down the floor. She began crying not just out of pain but also out of frustration.  
  
She had envisioned this scenario several times before, and it had never involved her being incapacitated and unable to save Alaney.  
  
She shook her head enough to get the gag off her mouth.  
  
"Why are you telling me this if you've already decided?" Sara sobbed.  
  
"I feel you have a right to know. You are her mother after all!" Boby responded smugly.  
  
"No, you just want to torture me! Let me imagine it as you go and murder our daughter!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Boby slapped Sara. Sara screamed and fell over onto her side.  
  
"She is not our daughter! Never call her that! It's talk like that that will let it out!" Boby shouted.  
  
"Don't hit me! Mom might stand by and be your punch-bag but I won't!" Sara declared.  
  
"Oh yeah and what are you going to do about it? Go to the police?" Boby laughed.  
  
He pulled her gag over her mouth and re-tied it tighter.  
  
"You know what bugs me about that girl? She has no sense of fear! She seems to think justice will always win! You and your mother though - your different. You guys you know fear and you know fear will win. You guys know that sometimes - a lot of the time justice just won't be found because of extenuating circumstances" Boby commented.  
  
Sara shook her head and Boby could hear her scream a muffled "No" in disagreeance  
  
"It's not a bad thing. I love it. It's the only thing that is keeping you alive! You understand the rules - most of the time. I will win! I will always win! I will never go to jail because it just doesn't benefit either of us for people to find out the truth. And even if you won't admit it to yourself, sweetheart - you won't go to the police because you're petrified of me! I will always win because I have the power over you guys! But your daughter, she just doesn't seem to understand the fear. She's never felt the fear. And frankly, I don't have time to teach her the fear. I only have time to kill her" Boby explained.  
  
Sara began screaming and struggled about on the floor.  
  
She eventually managed to stand straight up and began listening to Boby's ranting speech.  
  
Boby started to pace the room. "Having said that! I do still worry about you lately. Every since that girl came along you've got really feisty and attacky. You keep trying to attack me!" Boby commented.  
  
"So, I've been thinking and I have an idea" Boby informed her.  
  
"I think you need to be reminded of the rules. I think you need to be taught a lesson" Boby told her.  
  
Sara froze. She didn't struggle. She didn't make a peep. She just lay petrified about what he could possibly mean. It didn't sound good. She was tied up and could do nothing! She had always thought that if her father ever attacked her in any shape or form then now she could fight him off. She was older and had learnt weapon-less self defence. Yet now, she could do nothing. If he beat her up bad enough then she could end up on a life support machine or brain damaged.  
  
Before Sara knew it Boby was coming towards her.  
  
He pushed her over and she fell onto the floor.  
  
He kicked her in the stomach.  
  
Then he kicked her in the face.  
  
Then he just laid into her. He kept punching her, hitting her and kicking her over all.  
  
Twenty minutes previously, just after Sara and Boby had ran out, Alaney had returned to the kitchen to clear Libby up. She got some bandages and then two tea towels. She went over to the sink and started wetting the tea towels. Libby was sitting on the kitchen floor looking dizzy and only half conscious. Alaney put a wet tea towel to Libby's bleeding head and another to her bleeding mouth. Libby held them there as Alaney began to bandage Libby's wounds.  
  
"Thanks" Libby gestured.  
  
"It's nothing. You have nothing to say thanks to me for" Alaney replied.  
  
"I'm really sorry, Alaney. You should never have had to witness that!" Libby sobbed.  
  
"It's not your fault" Alaney remarked.  
  
Alaney gave Libby a smile to comfort her. Libby smiled back and stroked Alaney's face.  
  
"You're a good girl" Libby commented in adoration.  
  
Alaney began trying to wipe Libby's wounds clean. As she did she found herself having to hold back the tears. But she just couldn't. The tears began to build up until she couldn't see clearly anymore and had no choice but to stop.  
  
"I'm sorry. I cant" Alaney sobbed.  
  
"Go get some fresh air. I can clean myself up" Libby reassured her.  
  
Alaney ran out the house, in floods of tears. desperate to get out of there.  
  
Alaney was in such a rush that she didn't notice as Libby collapse seconds after she had stood up to get a new wet tea cloth.  
  
Libby lay there unconscious and alone.  
  
Half an hour after Libby had collapsed, Sara sat sobbing in the corner of the hut Sara was locked in. She wasn't unconscious. Boby had eventually untied her hands, took her gag off and left her sobbing in this corner. He didn't leave the hut though, he just sat there thinking things over. He didn't need to keep her tied up or gagged anymore. He had her under his power. She wasn't going to scream, squeal or try to attack him now - she was too scared of him.  
  
He left her sobbing in the corner petrified, bruised and beaten for fifteen further minutes.  
  
"Ready?" Boby asked.  
  
Sara scraped together her last bit of courage to say,  
  
"What for?" Sara asked in a hateful tone.  
  
"I've already told you" Boby exclaimed frustrated.  
  
He came over to her, and went to take her hand to pull her up. But she shrugged her hand away.  
  
He knelt down and whispered in her ear.  
  
"We're going to have a race. I'm giving you a chance to save her. We're going to race to see who finds Alaney first. If you do then she's safe, but if I do - well, you know. We're going to race and see who makes it first - mummy or daddy!" Boby whispered in a sinister tone.  
  
Sara was secretly relieved but couldn't understand why he was being so fair. Maybe he secretly didn't want to kill Alaney? Maybe it was all a bluff? Even so, good news or not, the way he said it had sent a shiver down her spine.  
  
"You better get up and get ready. Come here. This will be our starting line" Boby told her.  
  
Sara couldn't quite believe it. Having said that she could never understand why Boby would give her a chance to save Alaney. She had never been able to keep up with that man's games that he plays for his amusement. So she just went along with it, hoping it was true. She wasn't in the mood to play games with him or run the fastest she ever had - but she had to for Laney's sake! Still shaken she got up, came over and stood next to him on the 'starting line'. She had to banish all her fears, all her upset and emotion for now to save Alaney.  
  
"Ready, steady, go" Boby dictated.  
  
Sara was so transfixed on being first that she began to go without realising Boby hadn't started to move. Instead, he grabbed the vase next to him, and before she could realise or leave, he had smashed her over the head again. She was out cold immediately.  
  
He had planned it so she began to go off first and so the back of her head was directly in front of his reach.  
  
He had been toying with her.  
  
"You silly cow! Do you really think I'd let you get in the way of me disposing of her? Why on earth would I give you the chance to save her? Your such a smart girl darling and yet your so gullible. Just like your mother! I don't think this makes you a very good CSI! Isn't this what your job is basically about? Detecting liars? Detecting plans? Silly girl! You think you can take me on?" Boby lectured his unconscious daughter.  
  
"Well I'd love to stay and gloat some more but I've got to dash. Hey - see you at the funeral!" Boby chuckled.  
  
Boby ran out the hut and went looking throughout the woods for Alaney.  
  
Meanwhile, Alaney had been scouring the woods looking Sara for just over an hour. She had spent forty minutes going down one direction in the woods and then had turned around and decided to go back.  
  
"Sara? Sara? Where are you?" Alaney called out.  
  
"Sara, you were right. I couldn't deal with them fighting! It was horrible! I hate him! How could he do that to Libby?" Alaney sobbed thinking about it.  
  
"Sara, please I really want to go home. Can we just go?" Alaney called.  
  
"Boby? Libby? Anyone? Can you hear me? I just want to go home! Is anyone around here?" Alaney called out.  
  
Alaney saw a log and decided it was high time she sat down. She plonked herself down fed up and tired with her hands holding up her face.  
  
She had been sitting there about five minutes when she heard someone call from behind her.  
  
"Penny for your thoughts?" Boby asked smarmily.  
  
Alaney turned round and gave him an unimpressed look.  
  
"I can't believe you did that!" Alaney exclaimed betrayed.  
  
"Did what?" Boby asked confused at how much Alaney knew.  
  
"Libby!" Alaney reminded him.  
  
"Did it really mean so little to you that you don't even remember? I've just had to leave her moping up pools of her own blood! Her own blood!" Alaney told him.  
  
"If you're such a saint, why didn't you help her?" Boby remarked.  
  
"Oh just go away, Boby! Once I find Sara we're going and I never want to see you again!" Alaney told him.  
  
He came over and sat next to her.  
  
"Believe me, I don't ever want to see you ever again either. We're agreed then. You've got to go" Boby commented.  
  
"If you hate me so much then why are you sat here with me? You know what? I was going to leave but I would have come to visit! You know why? Because even though you're a monster I thought we had a bond! But after that little display I've given up on you. I looked into your eyes and I realised you really are evil!" Alaney told him.  
  
Boby looked at her lovingly and touched her hand. She pulled it away and got up in outrage.  
  
"If you're so desperate to get people to love you then why do you hurt the very people who offer you that love? Libby and Sara are the only idiots willing to love you and yet you keep hitting them or saying hurtful things You make the chances, of them leaving you alone, more and more by the day!" Alaney shouted at him.  
  
"It isn't as simple as that" Boby replied.  
  
"Oh yeah! Poor your complicated life! Poor you!" Alaney commented.  
  
"If you hate me so much, and never want to see my rotten face again, then why haven't you walked off yet?" Boby asked.  
  
Alaney was speechless that he'd noticed.  
  
He gestured for her to sit next to him and she hesitantly did. She was still annoyed though and wouldn't look him in the eyes.  
  
He put an arm round her shoulders.  
  
"Are you alright?" Boby asked trying to look concerned.  
  
"Why would you care?" Alaney asked defensively.  
  
"I do" Boby replied.  
  
"Well no! Of course I'm not all right! I've had a lot to deal with lately!" Alaney exclaimed stressed.  
  
"I'm sorry about that" Boby told her.  
  
"What?" Alaney asked confused.  
  
"I never wanted you to know Sara was your mother. That's why I told her to give you away so you never had to find out she was raped. I did it for you!"  
  
"You hypocrite! You go around doing the same to other women! You didn't even stop!" Alaney shouted.  
  
"But my daughter's different! No one hurts my daughter or granddaughter and gets away with it!" Boby argued.  
  
"You didn't hurt him did you?" Alaney asked worried.  
  
Boby avoided the question.  
  
"If you ever did find out I wanted to get rid of the pain straight away! But it's just knowing when to!" Boby explained.  
  
He seriously did care. He could recognise this fact.  
  
"You wimp! Pull yourself together you wet teddy bear!" he thought to himself.  
  
"How can the pain stop? Is there something you can do?" Alaney asked excited.  
  
"Is it something you know which you can tell me to make it better? What is it? Tell me!" Alaney demanded.  
  
"I'll sort it" Boby told her and kissed her cheek.  
  
Alaney pushed him off and turned her head away from him.  
  
He sat in silence for a while then he suddenly spoke again,  
  
"Alaney?" he asked.  
  
She turned and looked at him unimpressed.  
  
He grabbed her face and kissed her on the lips.  
  
Alaney was completely gob smacked.  
  
Her first reaction was to get up and spit his taste out her mouth.  
  
She spat and spat until she couldn't find anything else to spit out anymore.  
  
"It's alright" Boby told her.  
  
"No it's not! You're my biological grandfather! You sicko! Just as I thought you couldn't get any sicker!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"That's it though! I'm not!" Boby told her.  
  
Alaney looked at him.  
  
"What?!?" Alaney asked.  
  
"I'm not Sara's biological father. It's someone else" Boby told Alaney.  
  
"What" Alaney responded.  
  
"You heard" Boby said.  
  
"But Sara never said anything" Alaney told him.  
  
Boby shrugged that he didn't care about this fact.  
  
"That doesn't make it not true. She might not know" Boby told her.  
  
Alaney was lost of words.  
  
She thought the situation over again.  
  
"I suppose it makes things better, but it still doesn't make it alright! Your Sara's father figure! Your as good as her father!" Alaney told him.  
  
"Not in biology" Boby reminded her smarmily.  
  
"But in emotions!" Alaney contradicted him.  
  
"But it wasn't Sara I kissed! It was you! We're strangers! We've never really been like relatives until this week!"  
  
"We could forget this week every happened. We could be non-relatives again. We aren't relatives after all!" Boby told her.  
  
He approached her and tried to kiss her again. She pushed him off.  
  
"No!!!!!! I don't care if you're not my grandfather! It's still unthinkable!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"That's fine. I just wanted you to know how I felt" Boby pretended.  
  
"Well you know now!" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"Look, you don't need to feel the same. But please don't judge me. We're not biologically or emotionally relatives, remember?" Boby played with her.  
  
Alaney fell to the bait and got more wound up.  
  
"Its not alright! There's 38 years between us! That's disgusting!" Alaney reminded him.  
  
"It's an error of judgement but not biologically disgusting!" Boby explained.  
  
Alaney's head was spinning.  
  
"The answer's no! So, can we just forget this happened?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Yeah. I'd appreciate that" Boby agreed.  
  
She got up.  
  
"I think it's best I get going. Let's never talk about this again, o.k.?" Alaney suggested walking off.  
  
"Agreed" Boby responded.  
  
"Alaney?" Boby called out to her.  
  
She turned back to look at him.  
  
"What now?" Alaney asked.  
  
However, when she turned around it was fairly obvious what he had wanted.  
  
He was holding Sara's gun in his hands and pointing it straight at Alaney.  
  
He had finished playing games. He was serious now. He seriously wanted to kill Alaney.  
  
Alaney froze petrified. She considered running but found her feet wouldn't move.  
  
She just stood there and suddenly burst into tears.  
  
Boby's heart skipped a beat as he felt for her.  
  
"Stop it you pussy!" Boby thought to himself.  
  
"Do I have any chance?" she asked petrified.  
  
"What?" Boby asked shocked by her strange reaction.  
  
"Are you definitely going to shoot me! - or is there something I can do to change your mind? I'll do anything! Just name it! Please don't shoot!" Alaney pleaded.  
  
"There's nothing you can do. Just shut up and I'll make it as painless as possible" Boby replied trying to remain strong.  
  
"There must be something I can do to change your mind!" Alaney protested sobbing.  
  
"This is the only way. I'm sorry. I was growing quite fond of you but I still need to do this regardless. I should have done this along time ago" Boby informed her.  
  
He truly had grown fond of Alaney. He truly did have a smidgen of parental love for her. He didn't actually want to have to kill her. But none of this conquered his need to kill her.  
  
"This is the only way" he reassured himself aloud.  
  
"The only way to life imprisonment!" Alaney protested.  
  
Boby laughed.  
  
"Your assuming they'll find your body. You're assuming they'll even pin it on me. You forget my daughter's a CSI. Over the years, I've learnt things from her. For example, I've learnt the most common forensic mistakes killers make and therefore I know how to avoid them. I also learnt that not all crimes can be brought to 'justice'. They may never find out or will never be able to prove it" Boby told her.  
  
"But what if they do? Whatever your scared of, life in jail can't be worth it!" Alaney argued.  
  
Boby laughed again.  
  
"What? A 50/50 percent chance of jail compared to a 99% chance!" Boby informed her.  
  
"What?" Alaney asked confused.  
  
"Don't you worry your pretty little head. This will all be over soon and you won't have to worry your pretty little head about anything ever again" Boby told her as he began to aim the gun again.  
  
Alaney burst into tears again.  
  
"Oh come on baby. Don't you want the pain to go away? Don't you want the pain of being deserted and unloved to go? It will all be gone soon" Boby said almost mocking her  
  
"Wait!" she pleaded with him, trying to put her death off.  
  
"At least tell me why you hate me!" Alaney sobbed.  
  
"I can't understand why you would hate me this much. Last week I was your number one and now you don't give a second thought to knocking me off? I don't understand" Alaney argued.  
  
"There's a fine line between love and hate" Boby smirked.  
  
"Well, why do you hate me?" Alaney sobbed.  
  
She struck a chord in his heart and he felt kind of guilty.  
  
"I don't hate you! And I can't tell you why I need to kill you but just know I need to! Now will you shut up? It will make this all a lot easier if you just shut up!" Boby replied.  
  
"If I'm going to be dead why not tell me? It could be my dying wish!" Alaney insisted.  
  
"No! It's not worth the risk. Now shut up - I'm trying to concentrate" he told her.  
  
"Is this really all over Libby and yours parents money?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Our what?" Boby asked.  
  
"Sara once told me that if Libby and your parents found out that Sara had had a child at 14 then they'd blame you guys and they'd take all the financial support and camp cuckoo away from you and that was why you wanted to kill me" Alaney sobbed.  
  
"Don't call it camp cuckoo!" Boby chided.  
  
"Yeah fine that's it. That's the reason. Now shut up!" Boby told her.  
  
"But if they know she was raped then they can't blame you guys!" Alaney argued.  
  
"You don't know them!" Boby protested.  
  
"Even so, I thought you guys didn't worship money! Would it really be all that bad to not have all that money? Is having to get a real job really a big enough incentive to kill someone?" Alaney asked.  
  
"You don't understand! Just shut up! You don't need to know the reason!" Boby shouted.  
  
She shut up and just stood they're looking at him with unintentional puppy dog eyes. Boby had an attack of conscience seeing this. He put his gun to his side.  
  
"O.k., I'll tell you a little bit of why. Seeing as your not going to be alive to say anything" Boby told her.  
  
Boby paused.  
  
"Your an inconvenience! That's all I'm saying" Boby told her.  
  
"That tells me nothing!" Alaney protested.  
  
"Tough!" Boby replied and began to aim again.  
  
"Wait! Why am I? Maybe I could stop being an inconvenience?" Alaney pleaded.  
  
"No. You can't!" Boby told her.  
  
"Why?" Alaney asked.  
  
Boby sighed.  
  
"There's this secret and if you found it out you'd tell everyone" Boby explained.  
  
"Is that all? I promise I won't!" Alaney insisted.  
  
"You will. I know you will!" Boby insisted.  
  
"Not if my life depends on it! If you let me go and I discover anything I promise I won't tell anyone!" Alaney insisted.  
  
"How would I be able to stop you once I put this gun down?" Boby reminded her.  
  
"How big a secret is it? Is it really big enough to kill me over?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Yes! Anyway, it's not just your big mouth. It's all of you. Once I get rid of you - You just disappear! The problem just disappears!" Boby explained.  
  
"How?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Shut up! That's it! We've finished talking! No more talking!" Boby demanded.  
  
Alaney decided to shut up. She knew she could no longer put it off. She knew she was going to die sooner or later today. She couldn't put it off any longer so she finally decided to just stand there and wait for the inevitable.  
  
As she waited her head began spinning with fears, worries and thoughts about death. She had a sudden panic about how it would feel to die. How it would feel to go past the threshold of unbearable pain. How it would feel to not survive. What would it feel like? She had a sudden panic about what was in the afterlife. What if it was bad? She had never given it much thought but now she wished she had.  
  
She stood on the spot petrified. Tears were streaming down her face and she couldn't stop shaking. She tried to stop but she couldn't.  
  
She felt so ashamed that she was letting Boby see her visible fear. He was probably getting off on it.  
  
Boby meanwhile just stood there for ages. He was finding it harder than he thought he would to pluck up the courage to pull the trigger.  
  
"One, two, three" he thought in his head.  
  
But still he couldn't pull that trigger.  
  
"One, two, three!" he demanded to himself.  
  
Still he could not move his hands.  
  
Alaney just stood there on the spot like a dazed rabbit in headlights. She should have taken this opportunity to run while he stalled, but she was too frozen with fear to try.  
  
After a while she covered her eyes and said,  
  
"Come on! Just do it! If you're going to do it please get it over and done with!" Alaney pleaded sobbing.  
  
At first Alaney heard nothing but silence.  
  
Then suddenly she heard a thud.  
  
It made her jump because she was scared that it was something that would hurt her. But when she realised she wasn't hurt she uncovered her eyes.  
  
Boby was stood there in a daze. The gun was down on the floor.  
  
He had dropped the gun!  
  
"Go" Boby demanded.  
  
"What?" Alaney asked shocked.  
  
"Don't ask questions! Just go! Get out of here before I change my mind!" Boby demanded.  
  
"Don't tell anyone about this! None of it!" Boby demanded.  
  
He sat down behind him on the log. He put his hands on his face and eventually began crying.  
  
Alaney couldn't believe Boby didn't shoot her. But more than that she couldn't believe that Boby was crying now.  
  
She had never seen Boby cry.  
  
For some strange reason she felt the need to go over and comfort him. After all, he had just spared her life and she was no longer scared of him.  
  
She went over and sat next to him.  
  
"Are you alright?" she asked.  
  
"I told you to get lost! Go before I hurt you!" Boby declared.  
  
"I'm not afraid anymore" Alaney told him.  
  
"Well, you should be! I might still kill you!" Boby defended his ego.  
  
"No you won't Boby! When faced with the moment of truth you couldn't do it and you never will" Alaney insisted.  
  
"Yeah well, death isn't the only thing I can hurt you with! I could still hurt you all the same. I could make you wish you were dead! Like your sister!" Boby defended himself.  
  
"I have a sister?" Alaney asked excited by the news of having one.  
  
"Is she dead?" Alaney asked.  
  
"No, you idiot! I meant I made her wish she was dead!" Boby told her.  
  
"Why?!? How do you know her?" Alaney asked.  
  
"She just got in my way, alright! She's always trying to stop me hurting you" Boby told her.  
  
"She sounds sweet" Alaney commented.  
  
"Can I meet her?" Alaney asked.  
  
"No!" Boby insisted.  
  
"Well, how can you stop me?" Alaney challenged him.  
  
"By not telling you who or where she is" Boby reminded her.  
  
"Someone else might" Alaney suggested.  
  
"I doubt it" Boby replied.  
  
"Is she my dad's daughter or did Sara have another child?" Alaney asked.  
  
"It's your dad. What's with all the annoying questions? Get lost!" he answered her.  
  
Alaney couldn't keep it in.  
  
"Does he have anymore children? That he knows of?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Fine! He has a son, a daughter and you make three. Now go away!" Boby replied honestly.  
  
"Common" Alaney remarked.  
  
"What?" Boby asked.  
  
"That's a fairly common family set up. To have one son and one daughter" Alaney explained.  
  
"Thank you for sharing that. Now go" Boby snarked.  
  
"Where's my dad from? Did he live round here? Does he live here still? Do my siblings live round here?" Alaney asked excited.  
  
"You see I knew it! This is exactly what I told your mother. You just can't drop the father thing! He's a monster, remember? Why would you want to know a monster? You said you don't want to know me and I'm a monster! So why would you want to know him?" Boby asked frustrated.  
  
"Oh my God! I know why you want to kill me!" Alaney realised.  
  
"What?" Boby worried that she really had worked it out.  
  
Had he said too much?  
  
"He's blackmailing you! He's blackmailing you and if you kill me then he can't anymore! Maybe that's it! He's blackmailed you into killing me! Once I'm gone then it's like he never raped my mom! It makes sense that he'd hire someone to kill me - he is a monster after all. What's he got on you?" Alaney said.  
  
"Shut up!" Boby shouted.  
  
"Sorry! I was just offering to help you out the sticky situation your in. I have nothing to gain from this you know! I'm perfectly safe now you're not going to kill me. I was just offering to help you. Sorrrrrrry!" Alaney reminded him.  
  
"You can't help me!" Boby responded.  
  
"Your so infuriating!" Boby exclaimed.  
  
Boby grunted in frustration and turned his back on her.  
  
They sat in silence for a while.  
  
"Are they evil?" Alaney asked.  
  
"What! Who?" Boby asked frustrated by her presence and constant pestering.  
  
"My brother and sister. My sister doesn't sound evil. She sounds really sweet. She sounds like she cares about me and my welfare. I'd like to meet her" Alaney replied.  
  
"For the one hundredth time! Stop! Asking! Questions!" Boby shouted.  
  
"Sorry, it's just I've always wanted brothers and sisters. When I was growing up, I always dreamt about having a family. A mom, a dad, brothers or sisters. I have my mom now, but I'd still like to have my siblings too" Alaney gabbed on.  
  
Boby sighed and turned to her again.  
  
"You've got brothers and sisters already! Don't you understand how lucky you are? You grew up around millions of kids. You have millions of brothers and sisters older and younger. Our whole community is a family! You've always had a family! Why do you need more? Everyone around here loves you and considers you their own. You've had more moms, dads, brothers and sisters than the majority of children across the world!" Boby explained.  
  
Alaney sighed. He wouldn't understand.  
  
They sat there in silence again.  
  
After a while, Alaney turned back to look how Boby was doing. He looks so depressed. He turned and looked at her thoughtfully.  
  
"I had my chance to make it all go away and I blew it! Your right I am pathetic I can't do it. I just can't kill you! You've been an inconvenience since the day you were born! I should have just killed you then. It would have probably been easier to kill a baby! Babies die so easily! If I'd killed you, back then or even just now, it would have been like you were never born. You'd just disappear! It would be like you never existed! Poof! Like magic everything would be better! But your right - I'm pathetic. I can't kill you! I just can't! Congratulations! You've won!" Boby moped  
  
"It's not a game. We can all be on the same side" Alaney reassured him.  
  
"No we can't!" Boby insisted.  
  
"But!" Alaney protested.  
  
"Look you choose the sides, princess! Not me! When it comes to the crunch I bet I know whose side your take and it won't be mine" Boby told her.  
  
"Your not so bad you know. I'm seen your sensitive side!" Alaney joked around with him.  
  
"No, my dear. All you've seen is that I give a shit about what happens to me. Everyone gives a shit about themselves. It's natural. It doesn't mean they give a shit about others though" Boby told her.  
  
"But me! You just showed you care about me" Alaney reminded him.  
  
"Maybe I do have limits. Who knows? I don't" Boby moped.  
  
"You know what I reckon? I reckon you want to change. You want people to stop thinking of you as a monster" Alaney asked.  
  
"No, not really. I am what I am" Boby answered.  
  
"Seriously?" Alaney asked annoyed  
  
"You look surprised!" Boby laughed.  
  
Alaney got up outraged.  
  
"I can't believe I gave a shit about you! You really are a heartless pig aren't you?" Alaney declared.  
  
"I tried to tell you! There isn't a saint waiting to jump out of me! I'm a monster deal with it! Just because I didn't kill you doesn't mean I've stopped hurting people in other ways" Boby declared.  
  
Alaney began to walk off. But she changed her mind. She turned around and kicked Boby in the shin.  
  
"That's for Libby!" Alaney exclaimed furious and then walked off.  
  
He came running after her infuriated.  
  
He caught up with her and tackled her to the ground. Then he started to kick her in the stomach.  
  
"What kind of psycho are you?" he shouted down at her.  
  
"Did you seriously think I would let you get away with that?" he shouted at her.  
  
But suddenly, out the blue, Alaney saw Sara come up behind Boby about to whack him round the head with something.  
  
"Noooo! Get off my daughter!" Sara shouted at him.  
  
She was holding a stick she had broke off from a tree and went charging at him. She whacked him round the head with it.  
  
He wasn't unconscious but still stopped kicking Alaney to tend to the pain. He stepped aside and held his head.  
  
Sara came over and immediately began comforting Alaney. She put her arms round Alaney and hugged her. Alaney was in floods of tears. Sara wasn't crying she was just furious.  
  
"It's alright baby. It's alright. I'm here now. I won't let him hurt you" Sara reassured her.  
  
"Leave her alone!" Sara screamed.  
  
"I won't ever let you hurt her! If you want to hurt her you're going to have to get through me first!" Sara told him.  
  
Sara turned back to Alaney and continued comforting her.  
  
Sara noticed Boby sneak off behind her. She began to turn round to check she had seen this right but he had run off before she'd even had time to turn around.  
  
Sara jumped up, grabbed the gun on the floor and began to run after him.  
  
"Sara, what are you doing? It's over! It can't hurt me!" Alaney screamed.  
  
Sara stopped and turned to Alaney. Alaney noticed the look in Sara's eyes. It was like her eyes were on fire. She was so full of angry and hatred.  
  
"I've had enough! I'm tired of him thinking he can always use violence to get what he wants! He's ruined everyone's lives and I'm not letting him ruin yours! I'm going to get rid to him for good! He'll never be able to hurt you if he's dead" Sara told her.  
  
"Dead!?!?!" Alaney screamed in reaction.  
  
Sara took a deep breath.  
  
"Yeah, I'm going to kill him" Sara told Alaney calmly.  
  
Alaney looked down for only a second to let this all filter through. But when she looked up again Sara had already charged off after Boby with her gun in full aim.  
  
"Sara!!!!!!!!" Alaney screamed at the top of her voice after her.  
  
"Sara you can't! You can't! He's no danger! It's over! He's not worth it!" Alaney shouted after her.  
  
She caught her breath.  
  
"You'll be the one punished not him! Sara stop!" Alaney shouted after her.  
  
"Saraaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Alaney screamed with all the power in her lungs.  
  
Sara didn't stop.  
  
Before Alaney knew it Sara was out of sight.  
  
Alaney didn't know what to do.  
  
She was in a state of shock.  
  
She decided to sit down to think the situation over. She felt her knees were going to give, so sitting was a good idea she resolved.  
  
She couldn't believe all that had just happened had happened. She was so confused she didn't know what to do. She literally sat there mouth hanging open, breathless, in shock.  
  
She tried to clear her head and think what to do. Instead she just burst into tears.  
  
What was she going to do!  
  
She couldn't let Sara kill him. But how can she stop her? She couldn't!  
  
But she couldn't just sit here!  
  
Alaney's head was spinning so fast. Round and round it spun and spun. She thought she might faint.  
  
She couldn't think straight. But she knew she had to do something. But she couldn't clear her head to think what that something was.  
  
She decided to go get Libby. Libby would know what to do.  
  
So Alaney began running back to the house.  
  
She ran with all the might in her body.  
  
As she was running towards the house, her head became clearer. She had an idea.  
  
She decided she needed to call the police. She had her friends in the police department and CSI department who could find Sara before she did anything stupid. If they didn't get there in time it was still worth calling them. They could help. They'd have to know eventually. Sara could never hide the body and get away with murder. It would be better if they knew now rather than later. Alaney was dead set on calling the police.  
  
Alaney decided she would call Grissom or Catherine. She would call them on her cell phone. She had their numbers on her cell phone.  
  
But her cell phone was in her room.  
  
As Alaney raced through the unlocked house door she had no need to find Libby anymore. She raced so fast to her room that she didn't notice Libby's lifeless body lying on the kitchen floor.  
  
Alaney raced into her room, got her bag and took her cell phone.  
  
She decided to try Grissom first. She knew Catherine better but she respected Grissom's opinion more. She also knew that Grissom would try that little bit harder to make sure Sara did not go to jail.  
  
As she dialled the numbers her fingers were shaking so much. All she could think was how everything seemed so good and now it was going downhill. Sara was going to jail and all their plans to be a family were down the drain.  
  
Alaney eventually got Grissom on the phone.  
  
"Hello Gil Grissom?" Grissom answered.  
  
"Grissom! You've got to help us! I think Sara's going to kill Boby!" Alaney sobbed panicked.  
  
"What! Why?" Grissom asked alarmed.  
  
"She said she would!" Alaney screamed.  
  
"Are you sure it wasn't a joke?" Grissom checked.  
  
"Do you think I'm that dumb?!?! Do you think I'd call you if I wasn't absolutely positive?!?!" Alaney reacted hysterically.  
  
Grissom could tell by Alaney's voice that she was shaking like a leaf. He could here she was in floods of tears.  
  
"O.k., calm down. Tell me exactly what happened and where you are. We're coming over with a tracking team straightaway" Grissom told her shaken up.  
  
"We're staying at 33 Hoyland forest. We're the only house in actual Hoyland forest though. The rest of the houses are on the outskirts of the forest. Last time I saw her, Sara was chasing Boby through the woods with a gun! I'll explain what you need to know once someone's driving you there!" Alaney told him.  
  
Grissom drove and Alaney told as much as she wanted them to know to Catherine. Of course, she didn't mention the kiss and Catherine didn't mention to Grissom that Alaney was Sara's daughter.  
  
Alaney walked out her bedroom as she neared to finishing her conversation with Catherine. As she got to the kitchen she dropped the phone. She saw Libby lying there unconscious on the floor.  
  
"Alaney? Alaney?" Catherine asked.  
  
Alaney burst into tears. Her clear head had got all muddled again and couldn't think what to do.  
  
She wiped her tears away and took a deep breath. She tried shaking and shaking Libby. But Libby wouldn't wake up. So Alaney checked her pulse. Libby still had one. She suddenly realised that she should put Libby in the recovery position. Then she picked up the phone again,  
  
"Catherine?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Alaney, are you alright?" Catherine asked panicked.  
  
"There's one more thing I need to you to do. Call an ambulance" Alaney told her.  
  
"What? Why? Who's hurt? Have you found Boby?" Catherine asked.  
  
"He's gone and knocked Libby unconscious!" Alaney told Catherine in shock.  
  
Alaney then turned the phone off. Looked at Libby in disbelief and then suddenly got angry and threw the phone across the room. She slid down onto the floor and sat there crying until the others came. Her head was spinning round and round. What was she going to do? What earth was going to happen?  
  
She closed her eyes, put her hands on her ears and hoped that if she did this then the nightmare would go away. It would all be a dream.  
  
Grissom, Catherine, Brass, a SWAT team, a sniffer dog team, CSI Day shift, a team of cadets and some of other LVPD friends arrived within the hour.  
  
Alaney knew it was too late.  
  
The cadets, SWAT team and sniffer dogs got searching straightaway. But Catherine and Grissom ran to straight to the Sidles house to see Alaney.  
  
As they did, they saw Libby come out of the house on a stretcher.  
  
Grissom felt his heart miss a beat in sadness. He thought he might burst out crying. Was she with him? He managed to cry though. He had more pressing things on his mind.  
  
Grissom and Catherine ran into the house to find Alaney curled up on the floor. She looked a complete wreck.  
  
They got her to come sit over on the sofa. Brass came in and the trio began trying to get more information out of her. Catherine sat next to her holding her hand in support.  
  
"I don't know! I don't know!" Alaney kept sobbing in reply.  
  
After half hour, Brass's radio began to talk.  
  
"Captain Brass, Captain Brass, come in! Do you hear me? We've found Sara Sidle. I repeat we've found her. She's about five minutes running distance east of the house" the radio sounded.  
  
"What about the alleged victim?" Brass asked.  
  
"There's no sign of him anyway. We're still looking" the radio sounded.  
  
Everyone was sitting round on tender hooks waiting to hear more.  
  
"How is she? Has she said anything?" Brass asked.  
  
"Sara's a mess, sir. She won't say a word! She just stares into space. Every time we ask her a question she tries to speak but she can't - she just cries and cries" the officer told him.  
  
"So we don't know if she's done anything" Catherine remarked.  
  
"Sir, there is one more thing you should know before you come over" the officer told him.  
  
"What?" Brass asked.  
  
"I'm sorry but - but - but her hands are all covered in blood, sir! It looks like she's done it!" the officer remarked.  
  
"No! She wouldn't! She wouldn't!" Alaney screamed.  
  
Alaney began wailing on Catherine's shoulder. Catherine stroke her head and began crying quietly herself.  
  
"Did you ask her about the blood?" Brass asked.  
  
"She won't, or can't, tell us where it came from, sir!" the police officer told Brass.  
  
Alaney suddenly darted out the door.  
  
She began running east to Sara. The others followed immediately.  
  
They all ran with all the might left in their bodies, which for Alaney wasn't much.  
  
When they got to the scene the police were all over Sara like a swarm of bees. They were all trying to get answers out of Sara for their questions. Usually it wouldn't be so chaotic at a crime scene, but this was one of their own, they were desperate to know what had happened. But she was unaffected by all this chaos. She looked so traumatised. Too traumatised to speak. She was mute. She looked like a ghost. She just sat there in a catatonic state.  
  
Sometimes she would look at one of the officers and try to answer their questions but she just burst into fits of crying and couldn't speak.  
  
On top of all that the dayshift were all over her. They were trying to examine her, prod her and swab her. "Leave the examination till we get to the station. I want you to search her head to toe when we get to the station but not now" Ecklie commanded his team.  
  
"You can't examine her top to toe! She hasn't been arrested yet! You have no warrant!" Grissom protested.  
  
"Which why I don't want them touching her now! When I get the judge on the phone, back at the station, we'll almost certainly get one. If not we'll need to wait till we find his body or she confesses. But just remember something, Grissom. If we search her and find another reason for that blood it could clear her. You should be begging me to examine her" Ecklie told Grissom.  
  
"For now leave her alone. Just swab that blood" Ecklie commanded his team.  
  
Alaney took one look at Sara and collapsed.  
  
Sara didn't notice Alaney arrive or collapse among all the mayhem and her own internal torture.  
  
"Alaney!" Catherine called.  
  
Alaney wouldn't wake up. She hadn't just fainted. She needed hospital attention.  
  
Catherine and Grissom didn't know what to do. Sara needed them but so did Alaney.  
  
So Catherine tended to Alaney. She got her into the ambulance standing by in case Boby or Sara needed one. They could just send a new ambulance she thought to herself. Catherine didn't go with Alaney though. She knew she'd have to be down the station for Sara. Catherine would be more help to Sara than an unconscious Alaney, Catherine thought.  
  
Grissom tended to Sara. He began walking over to her. Sara happened to look up and saw him approach. She flung open her arms and began wailing even more. He put his arms round her.  
  
"Grissom! I've done something stupid!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"Sshh, Sshh. We're going to sort this out, o.k.?. We're going to sort this out" Grissom reassured her.  
  
"What have you done?" Grissom asked.  
  
Everyone around them listened with tender hooks. He was hoping that he could at least get some logic out of her, and everyone else agreed. If anyone could get an answer out of her it was Grissom.  
  
"I.He.I.He.I had." she sobbed illogically.  
  
Every time she tried to speak she just couldn't say the words through her tears.  
  
"It's o.k., it's o.k. Sshhh. Tell us later. Tell us later" Grissom assured her.  
  
He hugged her into him again and kissed her head.  
  
Then he just held her. He held her wailing body in his arms.  
  
"Great! I have four witnesses to crime and none of them can speak! I have one witness who can tell me what happened up until they left the house - and she's unconscious! I have another witness who can account for most of what happened up until the victim and Sidle ran off - now she's unconscious! I have a witness who can witness the whole darn thing and he's missing and probably dead! And my only alive, conscious and present witness to the whole thing is off in cuckoo land! - and we can't get a legible sentence out her blubbering mouth!" Ecklie moaned frustrated.  
  
"Is that all you care about, Ecklie? Cracking some stupid case? My CSI is in a catatonic state, facing life imprisonment and we're about to lose one of my best CSIs! - and all you care about is this stupid investigation of her?!? How would you feel if this was you?" Grissom shouted.  
  
"Don't have a go at me just because all your CSIs are dodgy. There's no place for dodgy CSIs in the department. If you won't kick them out I will. Justice is all that matters, Gil. If she killed that man she needs to go to prison for it. Don't make me out to be the bad guy here! I just report what the evidence tells me. Nothing more and never less!" Ecklie shouted.  
  
"I want a swab of the blood on her hands tested ASAP! Get it back to the lab now! And I want someone else to go down to the hospital and find out what's wrong with that kid! Why on earth has she collapsed? Has this guy done anything to make her collapse? Hurt her, for example?" Ecklie commanded his team.  
  
"I think it just all got too much for her. She has just had a kidney transplant a few weeks ago remember! No wonder the poor kid collapsed" Catherine told him.  
  
"Also someone get a psychiatrist to check Sidle out! Maybe they can get an answer out of her! I want a full psych report on my desk within twenty-four hours! Also! I want someone else to get down to that hospital and do a full examination of that kid - SART exam and all" Ecklie commanded.  
  
"SART exam? Ecklie he's her grandfather!" Catherine challenged him.  
  
"Sidle's pissed for a reason and I want to search every possible reason it could be! If you guys really want to save her precious behind then you won't stop me trying to search every possible defence for her" Ecklie explained to her.  
  
Catherine was taken aback by his response.  
  
Ecklie walked off.  
  
"Wait, Ecklie! Look I know Sara and she wouldn't kill anyone. She's completely against it! We've even had discussions about it! She would never!" Catherine protested.  
  
"Catherine, he threatened to kill her daughter! Now come on, you're a mother. Think about. You know she's killed him. We've just got to find a way to get her off. But to be frank - I think it might be impossible!" Ecklie argued.  
  
Ecklie walked off.  
  
"Ecklie" Catherine called.  
  
"What?" he replied.  
  
"Thank you" Catherine gestured.  
  
Ecklie sighed.  
  
"She's a good CSI and a good woman. That kid too. They don't deserve anything bad to happen to them. Their good honest people" Ecklie replied.  
  
Catherine didn't give Ecklie's kind gesture much thought. She had too much to worry about.  
  
What was she going to do? What were they all going to do to help Sara?  
  
Was this all a nightmare? Were they going to wake up and find it was all a dream soon? They could only hope this nightmare was over soon. 


	39. Catch 22

Grissom and Catherine sat waiting anxiously.  
  
"Grissom, Catherine! Good, you're here! Look this is what I need you to do. I can't get a warrant to search Sara until we either a body is found or Sara confesses - which ever comes first. It's been three hours since they went missing and they still haven't found him or his body. I just went to the DNA lab to find out that some numbskull didn't even put the blood on her hands in the first priority pile. It is now though. In the mean time, I need you both to interview her. If anyone's going to get an answer out of her it's you two. The psych said she is 'catatonic' but he said considering her age and her situation she might gradually begin to answer. On top of all that, when she does try to answer she can't get the answer out. He suggested that maybe the answer's the answer rather than what happened is the problem. But he said he could be wrong" Ecklie informed them.  
  
"You mean she won't tell us because she did it" Catherine asked.  
  
"If you could get yourself out of this wouldn't you say?" Ecklie replied.  
  
"But your assuming she the gift of sanity, Ecklie" Grissom reflected  
  
Grissom and Catherine walked into the interview room where Sara sat. Catherine had a cup of coffee.  
  
"I thought you could do with this" Catherine gestured.  
  
She gave it to Sara and smiled. Sara, surprisingly, managed to smile back.  
  
Grissom and Catherine then sat down.  
  
They waited for Sara to say something as they tried to work out how to deal with this situation. They knew all the protocol and training for this kind of situation but they couldn't for the life of them remember what to do. When faced with their work colleague, in not only a mess but also such a state, they froze.  
  
Meanwhile, Sara said nothing. She just stared into space.  
  
Grissom took a gulp.  
  
"Why don't you tell us what happened from the beginning?" Grissom asked her sympathetically.  
  
Sara just looked at him. As she did he could see the tears well up in her eyes. Suddenly, just as he thought she was going to say something, she burst into tears.  
  
Catherine put her hands on her face in stress. Grissom sighed.  
  
Catherine then did something unusual. She got up, went to the opposite side of the table and sat next to Sara. She put an arm round Sara and comforted her.  
  
"Do you really think this is the best place?" Catherine asked Grissom. "It's private. At least we can make sure of that," Grissom suggested.  
  
"O.k. Are you o.k. with this, Sara?" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara nodded.  
  
"O.k." Catherine reassured herself.  
  
"I want my cousin. Michelle. For support. Just for support" Sara looked up and said.  
  
"Um, o.k. I'll go get her. Then we can try to begin" Catherine replied.  
  
Catherine got up and went out to get Michelle.  
  
Grissom was left in the room with Sara for only a matter of moments, but it felt like it was forever. It wasn't the fact it was Sara. It wasn't the fact that Grissom wasn't good with people. It was the fact that Sara was a zombie.  
  
"Wow! I think you asking us to get Michelle is the first full sentence you've said in hours, Sara" Grissom commented jokily to pass the silence.  
  
Sara gave him a cold stare like his joke was inappropriate.  
  
Catherine came back in with Michelle. Michelle sat next to Sara and immediately Sara fell into her arms crying.  
  
Michelle immediate impulse was to ask Sara if she had done it. But she didn't. She didn't think Sara would answer her in front of Catherine and Grissom if she hadn't already told them. Plus she was afraid Sara would say yes. Michelle was pretty sure the answer was yes; she just didn't want to hear it.  
  
Sara soon recomposed herself and Michelle took over Catherine's previous position of comforter.  
  
There was more silence as Catherine and Grissom couldn't think what to say. The only thing they could think of was to come out with it and ask the obvious.  
  
"Sara, when I ask you this. You don't need to explain your answer. You don't even need to give me a yes or no. I realise your finding it hard to speak so all I want you to do is nod your head for a yes and shake your head for a no. A simple shake of the head or a nod. That's all I ask for. Then I promise you we can go take a break again" Grissom explained.  
  
"We'll get you some nice doughnuts and I even heard Greg is going to let you have some of his special coffee!" Catherine added.  
  
"All we you for is the few seconds it requires for me to ask the question and for you to do the appropriate action" Grissom added on top of that.  
  
Grissom gulped and took a deep breath.  
  
"Sara, did you kill your father? Just nod or shake" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara looked at Grissom again. She looked like she was trying to answer. She opened her mouth but nothing came out. She just froze up. She couldn't say anything.  
  
"You don't need to speak. Just nod or shake" Grissom begged her.  
  
Sara looked at Grissom desperately and suddenly just burst into tears again.  
  
"Please Sara! Just nod or shake and this will all be over" Grissom pleaded.  
  
"I don't want to tell you!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"Why?" Grissom asked intrigued.  
  
"I'm too embarrassed. You'll think badly of me" Sara admitted tearfully.  
  
Now, the other three were even more sure she had killed him.  
  
Catherine took Sara's hand.  
  
"You've got nothing to be embarrassed about. You did what a lot of people would have done. You just got caught" Catherine reassured her.  
  
Sara looked Catherine straight in the eye.  
  
"He tried to hurt Alaney and I-I-I" Sara sobbed but couldn't finish.  
  
Grissom and Catherine sighed.  
  
"Sara! The search team is going to find your father dead or alive any moment now. You may as well tell us what happened. You're not going to be able to prevent us finding out," Grissom told her.  
  
"Well, I'd rather just wait till you find out. I just don't want you to hear it from me" Sara admitted.  
  
"Why?" Grissom asked confused.  
  
"For goodness sake Sara, are you like five or something?" Catherine shouted.  
  
Grissom signalled Catherine to calm.  
  
"Sorry. I only got angry because I care. We want to help you, Sara. But we can't help you if you don't help yourself" Catherine told her.  
  
Sara did nothing. She just ignored them.  
  
Grissom got a gun out a bag in his pocket and put it on the table.  
  
"Do you know who's gun this is Sara? It's yours. The only prints on it were yours and your father's. They found one bullet missing. What did you use that bullet for?" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara just ignored him.  
  
"O.k. Sara. If your not going to tell us the truth then at least tell us where to find him. That's a big forest to cover. We've had a whole team of cadets and sniffer dogs out searching for the last two hours and they still haven't found anything. What a waste of resources when you could tell us where he is! You hate it when people waste police time! It's a pet hate of yours! You hate it when CSI time is wasted. How do you think the poor CSIs feel? All they want to do is solve this and go home to their kids. Just like you would want to spend more time with Alaney. Just tell us where he is so more time isn't wasted" Catherine pleaded.  
  
"That's all I am to you isn't it? A case! I'm just another case. Solve, sign off and go home. You don't think about the implications or about how hard it is to admit to certain things? I have no idea how I can face Alaney after what I've done! I want to put this case being solved off for as long as possible" Sara admitted.  
  
"I'll tell you what then! Why don't we put you into a police cell until we find him, huh?" Grissom shouted.  
  
"Fine" Sara replied.  
  
"You know what Sara? You wanna know another reason we can't wait around? If he isn't dead yet then we might be able to save him. You could still get away with assault if you just tell us where the hell he is!" Catherine shouted at her again.  
  
"He doesn't need medical attention" Sara replied.  
  
"Well, that's a start. He's either dead or uninjured" Grissom added to try motivate Catherine.  
  
Catherine took a deep breath.  
  
"Sara, maybe we're starting too hard. Let's start gentle. Just tell us what happened from the start. Why were you at your parents? How did you know Boby was going to hurt Alaney? How did you know where they were? Tell us step by step. Tell us as much as you can. We're going to need this for the report anyway" Catherine asked.  
  
"Why were we there? I can't remember" Sara commented lost.  
  
"Can I say?" Michelle asked.  
  
Catherine nodded.  
  
"You went to pick up Alaney's stuff remember? She had forgiven you" Michelle reminded Sara.  
  
"Of course. That's why" Sara agreed.  
  
"What happened when you got there?" Catherine asked.  
  
"We argued" Sara snorted.  
  
"Who? Who precisely? Just you and your dad? Give me the precise order of who argued and when?" Catherine asked.  
  
"When Alaney and I arrived, things between me and dad were frosty but we didn't argue. Then Alaney went into her room and my dad followed. They argued. Yeah, I think you'd go as far as to say they argued. Then my dad pretended to be nice. We tried to have a nice lunch. I think that ended with either me or Alaney having a small argument with him. Then my parents went to the kitchen and they had a big argument" Sara remembered.  
  
"A violent one?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Yeah" Sara admitted.  
  
"How did that they make you feel?" Catherine asked.  
  
"How do you think it made me feel!" Sara replied.  
  
"Were you angry? Did you want to get revenge? Make him feel like her? Were you sad?" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara thought about it.  
  
"At first, when I went in I was angry. But then I just acted angry. Really I was mainly scared" Sara admitted sadly.  
  
"What happened next?" Catherine asked sad too.  
  
"He ran out and so I chased him. I wanted to tell him off and tell him it was wrong to hit mom. Tell him to apologise. Tell him to stop hurting her! It was such a stupid idea!" Sara told Catherine but didn't spend much time looking at Catherine.  
  
"Why?" Catherine asked.  
  
"If I got him alone he'd want to talk about her" Sara answered.  
  
"Who?" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara burst into tears  
  
"Alaney!" Sara admitted.  
  
"Why were you arguing about Alaney?" Catherine asked. "He didn't want to let Alaney go. He wanted to keep her. Like she's some kind of pet! He thinks he can just pick her up and drop her when he pleases. He said it was better if she stayed with him. Better! Does he seriously think he can offer her a decent life?" Sara remarked.  
  
"Why did he think he would be better?" Catherine asked confused.  
  
"Because he's her father and now he wants her" Grissom commented.  
  
Catherine looked at Grissom confused and Sara looked at Grissom shocked.  
  
Then both women realised why he thought that.  
  
"He still doesn't know Boby's not Alaney's child?!?!" Catherine blurted out without thinking.  
  
"Well he does now!" Sara sniped back.  
  
"Wait! So he's not her father or is he not your father? I'm confused. You said you were her sister and Boby was her father" Grissom responded.  
  
"No my dad is my dad. Look, we're related to Alaney and that's why my dad could donate - that's all you need to know" Sara replied.  
  
At that point, a man barraged through the door.  
  
"That's quite enough. Stop right now!" the man demanded.  
  
Sara was so relieved. She hoped this would change the subject.  
  
"I am Miss Sidle's lawyer. You should never have started without me! Your taking advantage of my client's fragile state by not asking her for her lawyer" the lawyer perplexed.  
  
"Marcus Taylor is your lawyer!" Catherine exclaimed to Sara.  
  
"The top lawyer in Las Vegas. Well, with your grandparents money, it figures I guess" Catherine commented impressed.  
  
"Mr Taylor, as no crime has been identified yet we are not holding Sara. She is welcome to come or go" Grissom informed Mr Taylor.  
  
"Technically" Catherine added to finish Grissom's sentence.  
  
The lawyer pulled up a chair from the side of the room and sat next to his defendant.  
  
"All the same I'll be here" Marcus Taylor informed them.  
  
"Me too" a male voice added.  
  
Everyone turned to see Detective Regan. Everyone that is except Sara who couldn't really care what was going on.  
  
"Great! Anyone else like to join us? This was meant to be a quiet little talk between the three of us" Catherine exclaimed.  
  
"Do you want me to go?" Michelle asked.  
  
"No! Please stay!" Sara panicked.  
  
"No, your fine Michelle. Stay, Sara needs you. But them!" Catherine reiterated.  
  
"Detective Regan, can we have a word with you outside?" Grissom asked.  
  
Catherine, Grissom and Detective Regan left the room.  
  
"Look Marshall, Catherine and I are dealing with this fine. Your presence is not needed. Understand?" Grissom informed him.  
  
"I think what Grissom's trying to say is Sara doesn't need your bullying tactics right now" Catherine explained.  
  
"That's not what Ecklie thinks" Regan answered.  
  
"Who gives a damn what Ecklie thinks!" Grissom responded.  
  
"Grissom! Look Marshall she needs to be comfortable and then she'll tell us what happened" Catherine jumped in.  
  
"Ecklie's fed up waiting. He wants me to try her now. If you want we can all try. But I'm not leaving!" Detective Marshall Regan insisted.  
  
The detective returned to the interrogation room, followed by Grissom and Catherine.  
  
"Where were we? Oh yes. Sara, if your father is not Alaney's father then why did he think he was better suited to look after her?" Grissom asked.  
  
"I don't know. You'd have to ask him" Sara replied defiantly.  
  
"Look Grissom, ummm, could you go get us some coffees?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Pardon?" Grissom responded annoyed.  
  
"Look I can't explain but just please do it" Catherine insisted.  
  
"No, I'm staying and I want to know what Catherine knows that you're not telling me, Sara!" Grissom insisted.  
  
"Why should I tell you?" Sara asked annoyed.  
  
"Because I care about you!" Grissom blurted out while shouting.  
  
Grissom calmed down.  
  
Detective Regan wanted to turn the situation around. He felt Grissom and Catherine were getting too emotional and not getting to the point.  
  
"O.k., so you and your dad are having a argument. Even if he hit you - which it's quite clear he did from the cuts and bruises on your face - how did it turn into you trying to protect Alaney? Why did you want to kill him?" Detective Regan asked in a cold professional manner.  
  
"You said earlier that he was going to kill Alaney. Why on earth would he want to kill her? A minute ago you were saying how much he wanted her and had grown fond of her and suddenly he wants to kill her?!?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Did you mean you were scared he might kill her? Accidentally? They might start having a physical fight and things might get out of hand? You felt you had to stop him" Catherine asked.  
  
"Stop!!!!", Sara shouted, "All of you just shut up! I'm not going to tell you! I'm not going to tell any of you! I don't need to tell you anything! I don't want to tell you anything!".  
  
Sara put her hands over her ears and lay her face on the table. Catherine and Grissom turned to each other to exchange bemused looks. Sara was acting scarily too close to the boundary between sane and not.  
  
"Exactly! That's it! That's enough! We're going! Come on Sara. They have no right to question you let alone upset you. Miss Sidle is going through a traumatic enough time without this harassment" Marcus Taylor insisted.  
  
"Sit down, Mr Taylor!" Grissom shouted.  
  
"Wait, Marcus. Can I have a word?" Sara Sidle asked.  
  
Sara got up and went over to the corner of the room.  
  
"Over here" Sara told him.  
  
Sara was standing anxiously. Her arms where folded and she was chewing her nails.  
  
"I just wanted to check. You do realise I need you to bill the Sidles not the Lintons, don't you? The Linton grandparents can't know about this! You haven't said anything to them have you? Anything?" Sara whispered.  
  
"Don't worry, of course I haven't. I haven't spoken to them at all. I know the procedure. I called your Grandparents Sidle and they wanted to me to reassure you that they're a 100% behind you, O.K.? They said if you have killed him then they understand and he totally deserves it. They want you to call them when this interview is finished and tell them if you want them to come to Nevada. O.k.?" Marcus reassured her as he rubbed her arms in comfort.  
  
Sara nodded.  
  
"That won't be needed. I'm fine. It's best they don't come up" Sara told him.  
  
"O.k." Marcus replied.  
  
Grissom was quite surprised to see Marcus Taylor rubbing Sara's arms. He didn't realise they'd even met. But then again, Grissom knew Marcus Taylor and Marcus Taylor tended to give his high profile clients the personal touch if they needed it. He was a slimy so and so.  
  
Marcus and Sara sat down again. Even though Sara and Marcus has tried to keep their voices down everyone else had heard every word.  
  
Catherine tried to think of what to ask next.  
  
"Umm, o.k. Let's carry on. Why don't you go back to telling us what happened in that hut?" Catherine asked.  
  
"We argued. He walked out and I stayed in the hut. End of story" Sara lied.  
  
"You knew he was trying to kill Alaney and you just let him go!" Catherine asked.  
  
Sara gave Catherine a defiant and annoyed look.  
  
"Yeah" Sara replied with attitude.  
  
"How did you find the pair of them?" Detective Regan asked.  
  
"It was really muddy and I saw his footprints coming out the hut. I just followed the footprints. It was worth a try and I ended up finding them before long" Sara replied monotonously.  
  
"Lucky" Catherine commented.  
  
"What did you see when you got to them?" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara gulped and tears began to build up in her eyes.  
  
"He was hurting her!" Sara answered introspectively.  
  
"Hurting her? How?" Grissom asked, trying to control his rage.  
  
"Umm. He was. Umm. He was kicking her! He just kept kicking her and kicking her and kicking her and he wasn't going to stop! She just lay there powerless. I had to stop him! I had to protect her!" Sara told them.  
  
Sara was so introspective within herself at this point that she accidentally startled Grissom, out the blue, by saying,  
  
"He can do what he wants to me! But I won't let him touch my daughter!" Sara confessed unintentionally as she sobbed.  
  
As soon as Sara said it she realised her slip of the tongue. She tried to stop herself finishing the word but it was too late she'd said it. In her emotional state she had let her guard down and let it slip out. She looked startled but not as shocked as Grissom.  
  
"Daughter?" Grissom reiterated.  
  
"She means Alaney's like her daughter!" Catherine jumped in.  
  
"No, I don't Catherine. It's all right. He may as well know. It's not like it matters him knowing or not anymore. It doesn't matter what he thinks of me" Sara responded.  
  
"But how can she be? There's only fourteen years between you both!" Grissom asked.  
  
"Do I need to draw you diagrams!" Sara retorted with attitude.  
  
Grissom paused.  
  
Grissom suddenly felt a twinge of de-ja-vu. He remembered a case of a girl who had admitted to being a mother at thirteen. In fact, the conversation almost went like this. Her father had raped her. Therefore, Boby came straight to Grissom's mind.  
  
"Who's the father?" Grissom asked.  
  
Grissom tried with every bone in his body to keep his rage under control.  
  
"Just some boy. A nothing! He doesn't give a stuff about her! He was just a kid and so was I" Sara lied.  
  
And for some reason Grissom accepted this as the truth. Even though all her past actions would suggest her words a lie. He accepted it because unconsciously he could not accept the truth.  
  
"How did your parents not notice? How did you keep it a secret?" Grissom asked.  
  
"They just didn't. I didn't even know. I was bulimic and anorexia. I was losing weight as fast as I was putting it on. I was throwing up and my periods stopped but I thought it was just the bulimia" Sara answered.  
  
Sara looked at Grissom. He looked so betrayed that she hadn't told him.  
  
"And now she has eating disorders. Just like her mother did" Grissom reflected in shock.  
  
"But how did she survive when you had a eating disorder?!?" Grissom asked. "It's a miracle" Sara said as she shrugged.  
  
"Of course, she does have quite a few medical problems. Her duplex kidney, lots of allergies, she used to have asthma, she has eczema. But then again so do many kids. She's lucky. I know she is. It's probably due to my mum, my aunt and this nice lady who helped me give birth - because they all looked after her really well. Plus she was in an incubator in hospital and that they probably saved her. She was quite ill when we got her to hospital" Sara explained.  
  
"I can't believe it! Alaney is yours?!?" Grissom repeated again.  
  
"You can't believe it! How about me? I was walking down an alley one day and got stomach pains and next thing you know I'm holding a newborn baby!" Sara added.  
  
Grissom realised something.  
  
"Does Alaney know?" Grissom asked.  
  
"That was why she fell out with me. She found out and declared that she hates me and I ruined her life apparently. Well ditto darling! No I love her really. She's my world now. Technically she always has been. I couldn't move on without her with me and she wasn't was she? Like I said though. We've made up" Sara commented.  
  
"So that's how your all related to her" Grissom reiterated.  
  
There was silence for a while as everyone took the new situation in.  
  
"Can we got on now, please?" Detective Regan asked insensitive.  
  
Sara suddenly burst out crying again.  
  
"What's wrong?" Catherine asked concerned.  
  
Catherine took her hand over to Sara's and stroked it.  
  
"Everything's such a mess" Sara admitted.  
  
"Tell us about it, Sara. Tell us what happened when you saw him hurting Alaney" Catherine suggested.  
  
Sara looked at Catherine, took a deep breath and decided to tell them.  
  
"When I saw them, I went running at him and hit him over the head with something. I can't remember what though. I just remember seeing him and seeing red and I just grabbed something nearby - I think it was a branch" Sara told them.  
  
"Then what?" Catherine urged her.  
  
"Then I can't remember. It's like a blur! I just remember bending down to hug Alaney and then next thing I know he ran off and I got up and chased him" Sara admitted.  
  
"Why? He was gone! He wasn't going to hurt your daughter anymore! He was of no danger!" Detective Regan asked her.  
  
"I object!" Marcus Taylor interrupted.  
  
"Shut up Marcus!" Grissom shouted.  
  
"He would of her hurt Alaney later!" Sara sobbed to Catherine.  
  
"Alaney told us that she told you he wasn't going to kill her anymore. So why did you run after him with a gun?" Catherine asked bewildered.  
  
"I object!" Sara's lawyer continued.  
  
"He would have hurt her in other ways" Sara told Catherine.  
  
"To spite me!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"But he wasn't going to kill her! Oh Sara! This is not looking good at all!" Catherine commented.  
  
"I just wanted to get rid of him for good. I was so tired! I was tired of him constantly hurting mom. I was tired of him constantly trying to hurt me, whenever he saw me. And now! Now he was trying to hurt Alaney too! She would probably be his number one target! I just wanted to stop him! Stop him with something he couldn't beat!" Sara confessed sobbing.  
  
"Miss Sidle, I advise you stop right there. You have the right to remain silent, remember. You haven't even been arrested! - they should not have you here! Come on let's go!" her lawyer insisted.  
  
"I'm fine! We're staying! They need to know" Sara told him.  
  
Sara looked back at Catherine and carried on,  
  
"I was chasing after him - gun in hand - and I saw him look behind at me. And do you know how he looked? Scared! He looked scared! I have hardly ever seen him look scared! And I loved it! I loved the power. He was powerless. He wouldn't hurt anyone anymore! He couldn't hurt me. He couldn't hurt mom. He couldn't hurt Alaney" Sara confessed as silent tears ran down her eyes.  
  
Sara paused for a second to visualise it.  
  
"And then! He ran into that hut again. He thought he could make it in time! He tried to get in and lock the door behind him, but I beat him to it. So all he could do was hold me back by pressing his weight against the door. So I kicked, and I kicked, and I kicked, and I kicked, with all the strength in me! I don't think I've ever been that strong but it must have been the adrenaline rush because I kicked him away from that door!" Sara admitted smiling. "And when I got inside! I held that gun to him!. He looked so petrified! He looked like a rabbit in headlights. He was crying! Him crying! And he kept saying 'Baby, baby, I love you, don't do this!' and 'Don't be silly, darling! Your end up in so much trouble if you kill me!'. But he was being arrogant when he said it! Usually he's so arrogant! So big headed. No! He was petrified! He was begging me! Begging me of all people!" Sara admitted smiling to her at times.  
  
"That hut! It seemed so prophetic to kill him there! There of all places!" Sara said.  
  
"But then he said 'Baby I love you!' and I kept screaming 'Liar! Liar!'" Sara remembered.  
  
"Miss Sidle, I really recommend you shut up now! I would just like to mention for the tape that my client is continuing against my wishes" her lawyer said.  
  
Sara became to cry more heavily and confessed,  
  
"I was aiming that gun straight at him and I could have shot him. I had the chance!" Sara sobbed.  
  
Sara became crying heavier and heavier.  
  
"But then he kept saying 'But baby! I didn't kill her! I didn't kill her! I couldn't kill her! I just couldn't do it! I wanted to but I just couldn't! I care so much about her! Just like you do!" Sara admitted.  
  
Sara paused.  
  
"And then I realised. I realised that I had no justified reason to kill him! He wasn't going to kill her! I had even heard her tell me that. I had known he wasn't going to kill her and yet I still chased after him! I would have been ten hundred times worse than him! Because the truth is I probably would have killed him out of angry not just to protect Alaney! I was angry for me! Not just Alaney and mom but me too! I knew that if there was even one shred of anger in my motive then I would not be justified. I probably wouldn't even of been able to do it! I don't think I could even do it!" Sara admitted.  
  
"You didn't kill him?" Catherine asked shocked but delighted.  
  
Grissom and Catherine sighed a huge sigh of relief. Michelle was glad too but she was more shocked than any of the others. Michelle knew Sara's state of mind the night before and she knew why Sara hated Boby.  
  
"Oh thank goodness! Thank goodness! Well done Sara! Well done! That's brilliant!" Grissom exclaimed.  
  
Grissom felt the overwhelming urge to come over and hug Sara. So he did. Sara was quite taken aback and didn't fully participate in the hug as she didn't feel proud.  
  
Then Grissom returned to his seat.  
  
"So what happened next? Where is he? Why didn't you just tell us that in the first place?" Grissom asked.  
  
Sara began crying again.  
  
"I was ashamed" Sara admitted.  
  
"Why?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Because I didn't protect Alaney! I'm meant to protect Laney and now he still might hurt her! I'm so selfish! I decided I wanted to keep my morality and my job over Alaney's safety"  
  
"No, it's not like that! You did the right thing. You'd be no use to Alaney in prison" Catherine told her.  
  
"I thought that too! I thought that!" Sara remembered.  
  
Sara paused and went solemn again.  
  
"I didn't mean to chose it over Alaney! I just meant I would protect her in other ways. I'll make sure he doesn't touch her I promise you!" Sara told them.  
  
"Sara, you don't need to explain to us. We know you did the right thing. You're a brilliant. We think your brilliant" Catherine told her.  
  
"Really?" Sara asked Catherine.  
  
"Really" Catherine reassured her.  
  
"Anyway, he's my dad! I just couldn't do it! But I will protect I promise!" Sara admitted.  
  
"Where is he? Does he need help?" Detective Regan asked.  
  
Sara remembered back,  
  
"I needed to stop him somehow. So I held him at gunpoint and tied him up. I wanted to make him powerless and immobile so he wouldn't hurt anyone!" Sara remembered  
  
"But you can't leave him there forever" Detective Regan suggested.  
  
"I know. He's in the hut" Sara admitted sanely.  
  
Suddenly there was a bang on the door and Ecklie stormed in without waiting for permission.  
  
"She didn't kill him! We've found him!" Ecklie delighted.  
  
"We know. He's in the hut near the house. We've just found out" Catherine told Ecklie.  
  
"Wait a moment, where did that blood came from then?" Grissom asked Sara confused.  
  
Sara looked away ashamed.  
  
"I was just getting to that", Ecklie told them, "I don't know for sure. But I have a theory. You see I just got the results back from Saunders. The blood's not Boby's - it's hers!" Ecklie told them.  
  
Grissom was confused.  
  
"What? But how?" Grissom asked  
  
Catherine and Ecklie exchanged looks.  
  
"Oh no! You didn't, Sara!" Catherine declared before placing her face in her hands.  
  
Ecklie went over to Sara and pulled her sleeve up. She had part of a white bloody blouse tied around her wrist where she'd cut herself.  
  
Grissom was shocked. He sighed and placed his face in his hands too.  
  
"Oh angel. Why Sara why?" Catherine responded.  
  
Why didn't you tell us?" Grissom pleaded.  
  
"I was so ashamed. I thought you might think I was a freak. I've never done it before, I promise! I was just so ashamed of not hurting him! I should have done! I punched him and punched him like he did to other people - but that was the only hurt I caused. I didn't feel satisfied. So I wanted to hurt myself for not hurting him enough and for not protecting Alaney. I'm such a bad mother! I didn't do enough for her!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"No you did!" Grissom insisted to Sara.  
  
"As soon as I realised how stupid it was, I took my blouse off and tied it round the bleeding" Sara told them tearfully.  
  
"How could we have overlooked that?!" Grissom asked himself.  
  
"She has a long sleeved black top on. We couldn't see the blood through the black and we never looked at any part of her body under her clothes, so - we didn't see it, let alone think it!" Ecklie suggested.  
  
Catherine sighed.  
  
"Interview terminated at - well now!" Catherine said into the tape machine and turned it off.  
  
Suddenly Grissom didn't looked stressed anymore. He looked relieved. He gave a small smile. Everything was fine.  
  
"It's going to be fine. I promise. It's going to be fine" Grissom commented.  
  
Catherine saw this and realised everything was better. Catherine sighed with relief too.  
  
"Come on Sara, let's get you a coffee. I think we all need one!" Catherine suggested.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Sara was in the waiting room drinking coffee with Catherine and Michelle. Grissom came over.  
  
"I've just been talking to Ecklie and the D.A. It's looks like there won't be any charges placed on you. If your father tries to press kidnapping or assault charges against you then he'll find them impossible to stick" Grissom informed her.  
  
"Thank goodness for that!" Catherine commented.  
  
"He won't dare to place charges. I have too much on him and he knows it. He won't do anything, don't worry" Sara replied still a bit shaken.  
  
"Well, he hasn't mention anything about charges to the police who are with him. As for him, we can't charge him with anything solid. We have no evidence except Alaney's word. We could get him for assault on Alaney" Grissom told her.  
  
"No. Unless she wants to, then no" Sara responded.  
  
"He's fine by the way. They took him to Dessert Palms to check him over and he's fine" Grissom told Sara.  
  
"Whoopee do!" Sara replied sarcastic.  
  
"The police are going to make sure he doesn't go anywhere near Alaney and hopefully your mother. But you know your mother, she'll go back to him. The police are going to try to get Alaney to get a restraining order against him when she wakes up" Grissom explained.  
  
"Alaney! Oh my goodness where's Alaney?!? What do you mean wakes up? Is she asleep? Is she just asleep? Here?" Sara reacted.  
  
Catherine and Michelle looked at Grissom.  
  
"No one's told you yet!" Michelle added.  
  
"Told me what? Oh no! What's happened?" Sara reacted on the verge of tears.  
  
"I'm sorry sweetheart but Alaney and your mother are at Dessert Palms too. They both collapsed. Once you'd run after your father your mother collapsed. Alaney collapsed later on from stress and with her new kidneys and all. But they're both going to be fine! They're still both unconscious but the doctors say it's just their bodies recuperating" Catherine explained.  
  
"It's all my fault! This is all too much for Alaney to take!"  
  
"It's not your fault, it's his fault!" Michelle reassured Sara.  
  
"I need to go see them!" Sara announced startled.  
  
"Daven and Janey are already down there" Grissom added.  
  
"Daven? But his girlfriend's eight months pregnant! What's on earth is he doing coming to Nevada! He's such a idiot!" Sara commented.  
  
"I'll drive you down" Catherine told her.  
  
Sara nodded and got up.  
  
"You coming too Michelle?" Catherine asked  
  
Michelle nodded.  
  
"I'm coming too but I need to fill in some paperwork with Ecklie. I'll follow you guys on in about half and hour. O.K?" Grissom told Catherine.  
  
Catherine thought to herself and nodded hesitantly. She didn't think it was good idea him coming. 


	40. One step at a time

Sara was frantic as she arrived at the hospital desk yet again. The nurse was used to this kind of reception from visitors to her ward.  
  
"I'm here to see Alaney Rose and Elizabeth Sidle" Sara despaired to the nurse.  
  
"Let's see. Alaney Rose is in room 418 and Elizabeth Sidle is in room 401" The nurse informed her.  
  
"Thanks" Sara responded and smiled.  
  
Sara turned to Michelle and Catherine.  
  
"Would you guys mind staying here for now. Its just I really need some time alone with them both. Can you guys come in, in like twenty minutes or something?" Sara asked.  
  
"O.k., but are you sure your going to be alright?" Catherine reacted co- operative but surprised  
  
"Daven's here" Sara replied.  
  
Sara gave an attempt at a smile and walked off.  
  
The first person she visited was Alaney. Sara felt a strange sensation. Usually she was so concerned about her mother and naturally her mother would be the first one she'd rush to see. But this time her daughter was what mainly concerned her. Sara was sure Libby would understand, being a mother herself. Anyhow, Libby chose to be with Boby. Alaney didn't choose to participate in any of this. Alaney was the one who needed her right now.  
  
There was a nurse checking Alaney's chart out as Sara entered. The nurse saw Sara and smiled. Sara smiled back.  
  
"How is she?" Sara asked.  
  
"She's awake" the nurse reassured Sara.  
  
"Really?" Sara responded surprised but delighted.  
  
"Yeah, she's been awake for about an hour now. She's just resting at the moment" the nurse replied.  
  
"Is she going to be alright? Why is she unwell again?" Sara looked for answers.  
  
"I'm sorry, I can't discuss this. I'll get the doctor and he'll explain. He's the expert" the nurse apologised.  
  
"Sure. Thanks" Sara replied.  
  
The nurse left and Sara went over to Alaney's bedside. She sat down and took Alaney's hand in hers. Sara stroked Alaney's face and consequentially Alaney woke up.  
  
"Mom" Alaney delighted weakly.  
  
"Hey baby. You've been scaring me again. What happened?" Sara replied.  
  
Alaney was suddenly alarmed.  
  
"Boby!" Alaney declared.  
  
Alaney tried to get up.  
  
"Did you hurt Boby?!? I'm sorry I had to call them. I was so scared for you! I didn't mean to get you in trouble. But! Oh where's Boby? Tell me he's alright!" Alaney panicked.  
  
"Sshh. He's fine. Everything's fine. I'd never kill him! Everything's sorted. He's fit and well. Unlike you and mom!" Sara reassured Alaney calmly.  
  
"How is your mom?" Alaney asked.  
  
"As far as I know she's fine. I haven't seen her yet" Sara replied.  
  
"Go see her" Alaney insisted.  
  
"I'm going to" Sara assured her.  
  
At that point, the doctor walked in.  
  
"Alaney Rose?" the doctor asked.  
  
"Yeah" Alaney replied.  
  
"And you must be her mother" the doctor said to Sara.  
  
The doctor came over and shook Sara's hand.  
  
"Sara Sidle" Sara introduced herself.  
  
"I'm Doctor Jessop. I'll be looking after Alaney for the next few days" the doctor introduced himself.  
  
"What happened? My friend said her body needed to recuperate from stress or something?" Sara asked.  
  
"Yeah that's right, basically" the doctor replied.  
  
"That's all it took? Oh this is all my fault! You can't be dealing with all this, Laney" Sara stressed.  
  
"None of this is your fault" Alaney reprimanded her.  
  
"Will she keep collapsing like this? How can we make sure this won't happened again?" Sara panicked.  
  
"As you know Alaney it's only been a month since Alaney's kidney transplant. Even though she's out of the resting period, she still needs to be careful. Avoid stress and drink more! You're not drinking enough! Are you?" the doctor insisted.  
  
"Alaney! How stupid can you be?" Sara exclaimed.  
  
"Gees thanks! Love you too, Sara! I know, I know. It's just ever since I found out you're my mom I've been a bit too pre-occupied to remember to drink a lot of water. So sorry! It won't happen in future. I'll drink I promise" Alaney told them.  
  
"I'll release you in two days and then I want you to rest for another week but even after that I want you to continue to drink lots and try to avoid stress. Of course, sometimes you can't avoid stress. But try if you can. You should be fine anyhow. This is just a blip" the doctor told Alaney.  
  
"Thank you doctor. She will" Sara responded as the doctor left.  
  
"See I'm fine. Will you go and see your mother now, please" Alaney told Sara.  
  
"O.k." Sara agreed.  
  
Sara leaned down and kissed Alaney's forehead.  
  
"I love you, you know" Sara reassured Alaney.  
  
"I know. Send Libby my love" Alaney replied as Sara began to leave.  
  
Before Sara went out the door they exchanged smiles.  
  
As Sara approached her mother's room, she saw Daven sitting there by Libby's bedside. He looked worn down and sick with worry. Sara went in and he turned to see her. She smiled and he gave a worried smile back.  
  
"Hey" she said, surprisingly calm.  
  
"Hey" Daven responded, less together.  
  
"How is she?" Sara asked.  
  
"She's going to be fine. She'll be awake soon. She's just rest" Daven explained.  
  
"Resting. Yeah, I heard. Alaney too. It doesn't stop them giving me heart attacks though!" Sara ended his sentence.  
  
"I've been going back and forth between Alaney and Libby every half an hour" Daven told her.  
  
"Yeah, I just saw Alaney. They hope she'll be awake soon" Sara lied.  
  
"Yeah, oh that's good" Daven replied.  
  
"Daven, she's been awake for over an hour now. You haven't seen her for hours have you?" Sara said.  
  
"I'm sorry. I have seen her, I promise. But! Oh shit, Sara! Libby's like my mother! And I know Alaney is my biological sister and biological niece and I do love her but truthfully I hardly know her! Dad stopped me seeing her too remember! After about five trips back and forth, I just forgot to go back to Alaney. But I promise when they're both out of hospital I am going to try my hardest to get to know her. I love her I really do" Daven confessed.  
  
"Daven, why are you here, full stop?" she asked.  
  
"Your girlfriend is five months pregnant!" Sara continued.  
  
"I know! But, I just can't let go of you guys. You still need me! I've still got to be there for you guys, new responsibilities or not" Daven admitted.  
  
"No Daven! You've got to be your new responsibility. I can handle this. You've got to go home and see your pregnant girlfriend. That's what you've got to do. I'm here now. So, I can look after mom and Alaney" Sara argued.  
  
"It's not that simple" Daven insisted.  
  
"Yes, it is" Sara insisted.  
  
"Siobhan's perfectly fine. She had a scan and everything's fine" Daven replied.  
  
"Daven, that's not all you have to worry about. What about her? She probably feels like an elephant! She needs massages, aromatherapy and the love of her fiancée. She needs you and you are in a different state, Daven!" Sara lectured him as she sat herself down next to him and their mom.  
  
"She's staying at her mom's and her mom is doing all that. Anyway, she's fine. She understands. They're all fine. You and mom aren't. You guys need me more" Daven explained.  
  
"She's like my mom, Sara! I know she's too young and I know there were times when I was the one looking after her! But still she was there for me when my mom couldn't be. She soothed me to sleep and sang to me. And frankly she was more my parent than dad ever was! In fact she was more of my dad than dad ever was! She's my dad!" Daven responded.  
  
Daven sighed.  
  
"I love my mom and she's wonderful. But that doesn't mean Libby can't be really special to me too" Daven explained.  
  
"I know all this" Sara reminded him.  
  
"She's one of my best friends! She's one of the most important women in my life, and always has been, and she's lying here unconscious because of him!" Daven exasperated.  
  
"She lies unconscious a lot. So what's different now?" Sara reminded him.  
  
Daven sighed again.  
  
"I don't think I can do this, Sara" Daven admitted.  
  
"Do what?" Sara asked.  
  
"Fatherhood! Marriage!" Daven exasperated.  
  
"Daven, don't be silly. This is natural. It's natural to have second thoughts, especially someone with a father like yours" Sara reassured him.  
  
"No, it's not just dad. Its about Libby and you too" Daven tried to explain.  
  
At this point, Catherine entered the room quietly. Daven and Sara did not notice her as their backs were to the door.  
  
Daven sighed.  
  
"I used to think I could never love anyone as much as I love you!" Daven told Sara.  
  
As soon as Catherine realised she was walking into the middle of a deep conversation she left quietly so as not to disturb them. Still Daven and Sara did not notice her.  
  
Instead Sara gave a embarrassed laugh.  
  
"I'm serious. I couldn't work out how I could fit someone else in my heart. Then Siobhan came along and she did fit in! I love you both so much but I love you both in different ways so you both do fit in my heart. But even so! Even though I love her so much! And we're having a kid! She's having my kid! And I'm going to have to give them my all! 99% of my life needs to be dedicated to them. What I'm trying to say is even love I love them, I just don't think I can do it!" Daven tried to explain.  
  
"Daven, your not making sense. You can't just abandon them! What could be wrong if you love them?" Sara asked.  
  
Tears began to fill up in Daven's eyes.  
  
"I can't leave Libby and you. You guys need me" Daven explained.  
  
Sara put an arm round her brother.  
  
"Oh Daven, don't cry! It's so un-masculine or you. We'll be fine" Sara insisted.  
  
"No, you won't. What was I thinking? I can't just leave you guys! How did I think this could possibly work out?" Daven responded.  
  
"You're not leaving us" Sara reminded him.  
  
"If I marry her and if we have this kid then they need to be my number one focus. You guys can't be my number one focus anymore" Daven stressed.  
  
"Exactly. That's what you need to do" Sara told him.  
  
"It's not that simple though! I can't just let go of you two. You've been my life" Daven replied.  
  
"I know. Mom's been my life too. But you can't let that happen anymore" Sara told him.  
  
"You don't need to give up on us, completely. You can come visit us. I mean I hardly see you anymore anyway. I live in a different state!" Sara said.  
  
"No, no. I can't get married and have a family when I haven't sorted out our family!" Daven protested.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Well, this isn't just going to go away, Daven. Dad isn't just going to go away" Sara reminded him.  
  
"That's not true. There is a way" Daven reminded her.  
  
Sara looked shocked. She suddenly felt herself on the verge of tears.  
  
"You want me to go to the police, don't you? So this is entirely my fault is it? I've ruined your life and I can make it all simple? It's that simple is it?" she asked.  
  
"Yes. No. I don't know what I want, Sara! O.k.? This is not your fault! I don't want to upset you! But it would work!" Daven replied.  
  
Daven sighed.  
  
"Look, Sara I don't know what I want. I don't want you to go to the police but I don't want to have to give you and mom up in this state. So, I don't know what to do" Daven explained.  
  
"Well, you better decide what you want quickly because your fiancée is going to give birth in a month!" Sara told him.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"I'm sorry, Daven. I wish I could. I really do. But honestly, I know, I just can't ever go to the police, Daven! All those people knowing!" Sara exclaimed stressed.  
  
"I know. I don't even want you to go! So what am I thinking? I know it would make you unhappy! Hell! Even I don't want to lose dad! But, oh! You know what? Forget it. It will all work out! I used to not think I could love anyone because of our bond but I did fall in love and this will all be sorted too" Daven replied.  
  
Daven took her hand.  
  
"Sorry. I shouldn't be putting this stress on you too. Sorry. Forget it" Daven told her.  
  
"Daven. It will work out" Sara reassured him.  
  
"I know" Daven agreed.  
  
There was silence for a few moments. But Sara interrupted it.  
  
"I do know what you mean, Daven. I'm 32 years old and honestly - I can't bare to not live without my mother. How sad is that? Whenever I have a bad day all I want is my mom! In fact I can't bare to live so far from you, too. We're all too close for our own good" Sara confessed.  
  
"Why don't you move back to California if you're so unhappy?" Daven asked.  
  
"I prefer living far away from danger to living so near to mom" Sara admitted.  
  
Daven sighed and hugged his sister into his side.  
  
Within half an hour, Sara and Daven were sitting in the corridor waiting for news on Libby. They had been asked to leave Libby as the doctors examined her. Within ten minutes of them being thrown out, Grissom came along. Sara told Grissom they couldn't see Libby because the doctors were examining her. So, Grissom sat down and waited with the pair. "How are you both?" Grissom asked.  
  
"Alaney and mom are going to be fine. So we're fine" Sara replied.  
  
"Speak for yourself. I'm frazzled" Daven joked.  
  
"Ignore him. He's going through a bit of a personal crisis. It will blow over" Sara responded.  
  
"I don't see how!" Daven replied.  
  
"He's such a drama queen" Sara whispered to Grissom.  
  
"Me a drama queen! You should see her when she's upset. She starts drunkenly singing along to the corniest songs ever written as she cries into her wine glass! It's quite hilarious!" Daven responded.  
  
"I can't live if living is without you. I can't live. I can't live anymore" Daven impersonated a drunken Sara moping.  
  
"I can't imagine you doing that" Grissom responded in Sara's direction.  
  
Once Daven had finished making fun of Sara he suddenly remembered where he was and why he was there. He felt solemn again. This made Grissom and Sara solemn too.  
  
They spent the next five minutes in silence before Sara broke it,  
  
"I would never have killed him, you know" she told Grissom.  
  
"My mom always brought me up to believe you should never kill a person unless it's self defence. Plus if you did have to defend yourself then you should try every other possible way and only kill them as a last resort. My dad made my mom's life a living hell and yet she never planned to kill him! I think she's amazing! She always taught me that we have no right to decide whether someone lives or dies. Even if they killed someone you don't have the right to kill them back because that would make you as evil as them" Sara explained.  
  
"Sounds like good advice" Grissom agreed.  
  
"I've always held that advice close to my heart. If she can still hold onto that after everything he's put her through, then so can I. She's right – there are millions of other solutions than to kill a person. Well, that's what I've always found" Sara explained.  
  
Sara paused and became solemn.  
  
"But when I was running after him, all those principles just went out my head! All I could see was like this black cloud. I don't mean literally. You know what I mean. He messed with my daughter and me and he was just getting away with it! I wanted to make him pay! But when it came down to it, I realised – I have no justification to kill him. I wasn't in danger and neither was my daughter. I just wanted revenge. I was planning a cold- blooded murder! I would have never gone through with it, though. There were so many others ways to stop him and I realised that. Murder was not a valid option. So I tied him up to stop him hurting anyone else for a few hours. I stopped him, but not forever. When faced with the situation I could never go all the way. I promise, Grissom. I never will" Sara told him.  
  
Grissom looked her in the eye and said,  
  
"You don't need to justify yourself to me. I believe you".  
  
Libby regained consciousness an hour later. Libby was due to be released in three days time.  
  
Within a day, Alaney was released. Sara came to the hospital to collect her. Alaney's excitement to go home was dampen by her realisation that Sara wasn't excited too. Sara seemed to be acting strange. Sara was quiet throughout the journey. She hardly spoke. Sara was a far cry from the excited mother who had been to see Alaney in hospital.  
  
"Are you okay?" Alaney asked concerned.  
  
"No" Sara admitted.  
  
"What's wrong? It's all over" Alaney reminded her.  
  
"Is it?" Sara asked.  
  
"Boby won't come near me now I have a restraining order and if you get one he won't go near you. Your mom's told your dad that there going to have a break from each other. She might even leave him. Everything's over" Alaney explained.  
  
"I wish it was that easy" Sara replied.  
  
"You don't think he'll obey it do you?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Obey what?" Sara asked confused.  
  
"My restraining order" Alaney reminded her.  
  
"I don't know. He might do or he might not, I don't know. I can't get a restraining order against him" Sara explained.  
  
"Why?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Why do you think?" Sara responded.  
  
Alaney thought about it. But soon she could tell by the look on Sara's face.  
  
"Your still in the love with the man who tried to kill your daughter and your mother!" Alaney exclaimed disgusted.  
  
"You can't help who you love" Sara replied.  
  
Sara stopped the car.  
  
"Here we are" Sara said.  
  
Alaney looked out the window. They were at Catherine's.  
  
"You didn't mention anything about us visiting Catherine on the way home" Alaney remarked,  
  
"We're not. Look Alaney. I need you to do me a favour" Sara told Alaney.  
  
"What kind of favour?" Alaney asked worried.  
  
"I need you to stay with Catherine's for a week, maybe two. You might stay with my mom too. But I promise it won't be more than a fortnight. I packed you some cases and they're in the back of the car" Sara told Alaney.  
  
"What? Why? Your daughter's just had a near death experience and now you want to get rid of her! You don't want to support me or savour the fact your only daughter, who you've only just been reunited with, didn't die?" Alaney exclaimed.  
  
"It's not that simple, Alaney. Please! Just do it! Just" Sara exclaimed.  
  
Sara didn't finish her sentence instead she burst into tears. Alaney felt guilty and put a comforting hand on Sara's back.  
  
"What's wrong?" Alaney asked concerned.  
  
"Don't worry. Just please I need a week off. I have a lot of, umm, issues to deal with and I just need a week to deal with them" Sara explained trying to hold back further tears.  
  
"I could help you deal" Alaney suggested.  
  
"No you can't, Alaney. Your just make it worse!" Sara declared.  
  
Alaney was offended.  
  
"Sorry" Sara apologised at her insensitive outburst.  
  
"Look Sara! If you don't want me then just tell me. Don't bother pussy footing around and only letting me into your life because you feel guilty or something. I only want to be part of your life if you want me" Alaney informed Sara.  
  
"No Alaney, I do want you! I just need a week off from being your mom. Just one week" Sara explained.  
  
"Isn't a eighteen year break enough?" Alaney rebuked.  
  
"It's a lot to take in you know. Your daughter coming to invade your life. I just need a week off, that's all" Sara commented.  
  
"Oh I've invaded your life have I?" Alaney remarked.  
  
"I don't mean it like that!. Don't be silly. Please, Alaney, for just one week can I be alone?" Sara pleaded.  
  
Alaney thought for second.  
  
"Fine!" Alaney agreed but was sulking.  
  
Alaney stormed out the car in a huff and stormed over to the back of the car to collect her stuff.  
  
"Alaney, don't be like this! Please" Sara pleaded.  
  
"I'll see you when you can be bothered to collect me! If you can be bothered to collect me!" Alaney huffed.  
  
Alaney stormed up Catherine's path to her door. Catherine answered and Alaney slammed the door behind her before Sara could make a move to come in.  
  
As soon as Sara returned back to her flat, she burst into tears. She knew this was going to be a bad week and she knew there would be lots of tears, but she hadn't expected the tears to start as soon as she got into the flat. As chance would have it she did begin crying as soon as she got to the flat, over Alaney's reaction to the separation. Alaney had triggered all her emotions to flood out.  
  
Sara got into bed and hardly got out of bed for a whole week. She just lay there thinking and crying, thinking and crying, thinking and crying.  
  
A few visitors came and went.  
  
Grissom came but he could not cheer her up. She told him she was upset because she had thought about killing her father. She definitely didn't want Grissom in her flat this week.  
  
Catherine didn't, on Sara's orders, come or call her about how Alaney was.  
  
Matt Colgan came but he could not cheer her up. He and Sara still weren't officially dating. Since that night at the bar they had hung out and he had generally helped her out as a 'friend'. Sara said she couldn't handle a boyfriend in her life at the moment. He told her he would stick around as a friend till she was ready. On this particular week, Sara definitely didn't want Matt around. He did not know any of what had happened and she wasn't going to tell him. He had simply come round to hang out with her. She explained she was ill and needed to be alone. He offered to look after her and be her nursemaid. She told him that she had plenty of people to do that and did not need him. He said that he wanted to, though. She said no because he'll catch what she has. He said he didn't mind risking that to be in her company. She still affirmed her no. He offered to help one more time before she finally shouted, screamed and physically pushed him out her flat.  
  
Janey visited. Well, she was staying there at the moment so she needed to see Sara at some point! Sara asked Janey if she would stay with Daven wherever he was staying. Janey, being a pushover and wanting to help her cousin Sara, agreed.  
  
Daven came on day three. Sara didn't even want him around her during her mourning week. He couldn't understand it. He had always been the one to comfort Sara. Why didn't she want him now? Sara explained that she was having issues with dad and that Daven reminded her too much of their father. So Daven had to go.  
  
Daven drove Libby round, at Libby's request, immediately after Libby was released from hospital. Daven didn't go in but instead waited outside in case Sara chucked Libby out. To Daven's surprise Sara did chuck Libby out. Sara explained to her mom that Daven would look after her because Sara was incapable of looking after anyone this week. Libby explained that was not why she had came round. Libby explained that in fact Sara's father had vacated their Las Vegas vacation home and gone into a hotel because Libby had informed him that she needed a break from him after he tried to kill her granddaughter. Sara asked if Libby was considering a permanent break and Libby said she didn't know. Daven couldn't work out why Sara didn't want Libby around. Sara always went to her mom when she wanted comfort. It couldn't be that Libby is biologically related to Boby, because she's not. Daven was very confused now. He spend the remaining days of 'mourning week' worrying about his sister.  
  
The only person Sara would let visit her was Michelle. Everyone had always found their close relationship quite hard to understand. They were so far apart in age, appearance and dislikes. The only thing to link them was their music writing, but Sara and Michelle could have written songs with anyone else in their community.  
  
Michelle came round on day two. Even though Michelle was staying there, she had avoided the place after hearing that Sara didn't want Janey or Alaney there. Even Michelle was surprised when Sara not only let Michelle stay but actually wanted Michelle to stay. Sara was not chatty or happy around Michelle. But the fact that Sara let Michelle run about after her was a big triumph. Michelle spent the first few hours after her arrival, running around trying to make sure she had offered Sara every possible thing to comfort her or cheer her up. After she couldn't think of anything else to do and still could not get Sara out of bed she tried talking to Sara.  
  
"What's wrong baby?" Michelle asked stroking Sara's hair.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara responded as silent tears fell down her cheek.  
  
"You were fine when Alaney was in hospital" Michelle commented.  
  
"I had to be. But now it's time for me" Sara replied.  
  
"Do you feel guilty for trying to shoot your dad? Is this what this is all about? Do you feel guilty for not shooting your dad?" Michelle suggested.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it" Sara replied.  
  
"A problem shared is a problem halved" Michelle responded.  
  
Sara turned over onto her other side, away from Michelle.  
  
"Are you regretting taking Alaney into your life?" Michelle asked.  
  
"No! God no!" Sara responded.  
  
"Are you upset because everyone should have known you'd never kill anyone?" Michelle asked.  
  
"I don't have the capacity to worry about that, right now" Sara replied.  
  
"Look it's over now. All the drama is over. You should be relieved! Happy!" Michelle suggested.  
  
"It will never be over!" Sara rebuked.  
  
"I know" Michelle comforted her solemnly.  
  
Michelle paused.  
  
"Did it bring back bad memories about what happened between you and your dad?" Michelle asked cautiously.  
  
Sara began to cry more. Michelle sighed.  
  
"That's it isn't it" Michelle said sadly.  
  
Sara turned back to face Michelle.  
  
"He scared you" Michelle suggested.  
  
"Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse! I had taken every measure to make sure he could never attack me in anyway again and it failed!" Sara whined.  
  
"Sara, everyone knows he beat you up this time, Sara. The cuts and bruises on your face and body said it all. They can help you get over it. I know you like to pretend that your mom's the only one he hurts but everyone knows he's hurt you before too. It's o.k. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Talk it over with them" Michelle told her.  
  
"I thought he could never overpower me again, but he did! No matter how much self defence I learn or how much I try to avoid him, he can just knock me out, tie me up and I'm powerless!" Sara sobbed.  
  
"You can do the same to him, remember?" Michelle suggested.  
  
Sara burst into a crying fit. Michelle put her arms round Sara.  
  
"I know, I know. Sshhh. It's all over now" Michelle comforted her.  
  
"No! It will never be over Michelle!" Sara responded.  
  
"I know it feels like that right now but that's not necessarily true. And if you think like that then you let him win. You can't let him control your mind, Sara. Even if he can control you physically, don't let him control you psychologically" Michelle told her.  
  
Michelle paused.  
  
"There is a way you can stop him" Michelle said.  
  
Sara didn't bite Michelle's head off; she didn't even speak. She just slowly shook her head and lay down on her bed again.  
  
Michelle began to stroke Sara's hair again.  
  
"It happened again" Sara told Michelle.  
  
"I know" Michelle reassured her.  
  
"No, I don't think you understand. It happened again" Sara cried, desperately trying to communicate to her cousin.  
  
Michelle couldn't understand fully.  
  
"What happened again? Lots of things could have happened again, Sara. Be more specific otherwise my imagination might be running too fast ahead here" Michelle panicked.  
  
"What happened again? He beat you up again? He had control over you again? He tried to kill Alaney again? He beat your mom up again? You felt like killing him again? You're pregnant again? He tried to rape you again? He did rape you again? You love him again? You've lost Alaney again? He's come into your perfect little life and mucked it up again? What has happened again, Sara? Are we talking what I know or is there something I don't know? Sara you're scaring me" Michelle clarified.  
  
The next day, on the other side of town, Catherine entered her guest bedroom where Alaney was sat staring out the window moping. Alaney was still not over her rejection.  
  
"I've made you some cookies" Catherine declared.  
  
"I'm not five, Catherine. Sorry, I shouldn't snap at you. It's not your fault my mother's abandoned me" Alaney replied.  
  
Catherine came over and sat next to Alaney.  
  
"Your mom loves you a lot you know" Catherine reassured her.  
  
"Then why doesn't she want me for a week?" Alaney asked.  
  
"I don't know. She didn't say. She just said she needed a week alone" Catherine answered honestly.  
  
"She let Michelle stay. Michelle called me and told me. I asked her what was wrong with Sara and Michelle said she knew but she couldn't say and that she could understand why Sara wouldn't want me around. She said that she didn't think Sara would be alright in a week but Sara seemed to insist that all she needed was a week to mourn whatever she is mourning" Alaney explained.  
  
"Mourning?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Don't ask me. Have not got a clue!" Alaney added bitter.  
  
"I'll leave you to be alone. If you want some company, Lindsay and I will be downstairs" Catherine told her, as she left the cookies by Alaney's side.  
  
"Thanks" Alaney gestured.  
  
Half an hour later, Alaney did come down. Catherine was in the kitchen making pancakes and Lindsay was watching television in the living room.  
  
"What's with the home maker of the year award?" Alaney asked.  
  
Catherine laughed.  
  
"I just want to make you feel better" Catherine confessed. "What by making me fat?" Alaney joked.  
  
"Thank you and I'm sorry. I shouldn't take my frustration out on you of all people" Alaney admitted.  
  
"Don't worry. I understand your upset" Catherine gestured.  
  
"You need some help there?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Sure grab some maple syrup and flavour these with it" Catherine replied chirpy.  
  
They had been happily cooking and chatting for ten minutes, when Catherine suddenly looked pale. Catherine ran over to the sink and threw up. Alaney looked like she'd seen a ghost. Catherine came back over to the cooker and carried on cooking like nothing had happened. But Alaney didn't carry on.  
  
"When's it due?" Alaney asked annoyed.  
  
"What due?" Catherine asked, pretending to be oblivious.  
  
"Catherine you've had a 'stomach bug' for 2 months now! So cut the crap and tell me what's really going on. Your either pregnant or your undergoing chemotherapy. Either way you're hiding something from me. I'm guessing that you're pregnant" Alaney responded.  
  
Catherine looked guilt.  
  
"Now, I'll ask you again. How many months pregnant are you?" Alaney demanded.  
  
"Three months" Catherine admitted.  
  
"I don't believe this! Why didn't you tell me? No one else seems to know! How long have you known?" Alaney asked.  
  
"One and a half months" Catherine admitted.  
  
"Does anyone else know?" Alaney asked.  
  
"No one" Catherine confessed.  
  
"What? Why? It's going to be showing soon! When were you planning to tell everyone? The day before you go into labour? What were you hoping no one would notice?" Alaney responded.  
  
Alaney put her hand on her face in stress and sighed.  
  
"Why have you been hiding it? This is good news right? Don't you want it?" Alaney asked.  
  
"I want it. I think I'm at that time in my life where I want another child before it's too late" Catherine reasoned.  
  
"So what's the big secret about? Does the father know? Who is the father? Catherine I've known you for 4 months and you haven't mentioned any man in your life! You haven't even mentioned one night stands! Who is it?" Alaney said.  
  
"I'm not telling the father" Catherine confessed.  
  
"Oh it's like that" Alaney responded.  
  
"I'm pretty sure he won't want to know. Anyway, I'm not letting this child go anywhere near the father" Catherine admitted.  
  
"Does Lindsay know?" Alaney asked.  
  
"No" Catherine admitted.  
  
"Why?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Because I know what she'll ask and what everyone will ask" Catherine admitted.  
  
"What will they ask?" Alaney asked.  
  
"They'll ask who the father is" Catherine admitted. "Why do you care if they ask that? They either know him or they don't. If he has nothing to do with this baby then why does it matter if you tell them" Alaney asked.  
  
"It matters. It will matter a lot to some people in particular. We know those people" Catherine told her worried.  
  
Alaney sat Catherine down and sat next to her. Then Alaney put her hand on Catherine's, looked her in the eyes and said,  
  
"Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. It's your decision to tell people. I was just angry because there's obviously something wrong. Tell me what's wrong. It won't go any further than these four walls, I promise. Go on" Alaney told her.  
  
Catherine sighed and put her hands on her face in stress.  
  
"I haven't had sex in six months, Alaney!" Catherine admitted.  
  
"That's impossible. You can't get pregnant without having sex" Alaney laughed.  
  
"You don't need to have sex to get pregnant. All you need is sperm to get to the vagina" Catherine responded.  
  
"You had IVF and now you regret it!" Alaney answered.  
  
"Nope" Catherine replied.  
  
"You weren't going to have sex but you both ended up naked and things just got a little bit too messy and that's lead to this accident" Alaney guessed.  
  
"Kind of" Catherine answered.  
  
"Don't worry, the same thing happened to a friend of mine" Alaney reassured her.  
  
"Oh my god! It's Grissom isn't it!" Alaney guessed.  
  
"What? No!" Catherine replied.  
  
"Sorry, it's just. Well, you know. You and Grissom can be" Alaney explained.  
  
"Completely platonic" Catherine answered.  
  
"I'm fed up guessing Catherine. Who's the father?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Why does it matter?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Because it's obviously an issue and it obviously matters to you! So tell me what on earth it is, Catherine please!" Alaney replied  
  
Catherine was hesitant to answer, but eventually did.  
  
"In five months, I have only had one experience that could possibly of got me pregnant. No sex, no foreplay, no nothing" Catherine told her.  
  
"With?" Alaney urged.  
  
Catherine paused.  
  
"Boby" Catherine admitted.  
  
Alaney couldn't believe her ears. She looked like she'd seen a ghost.  
  
"No, no. It can't be! Sara came in in time!" Alaney insisted.  
  
"Not in enough time" Catherine admitted.  
  
"Are sure?" Alaney asked.  
  
"Nothing else in five months, Alaney! He's only person it could be!" Catherine insisted.  
  
Alaney put her hands on her face.  
  
"Oh shit!" Alaney remarked.  
  
"Now do you know why I don't want to go broadcasting it around?" Catherine responded.  
  
"Sara's going flip! She's going to be so upset!" Alaney remarked.  
  
"Exactly" Catherine remarked.  
  
"And how do I tell my kid that her sister is the result of some failed attempt by a rapist?" Catherine added.  
  
Catherine paused.  
  
"And he's your grandfather. This baby is going to be your cousin" Catherine told Alaney.  
  
"Yippee" Alaney remarked sarcastically.  
  
"Oh Catherine, I'm so sorry. I'll help you every step of the way!" Alaney gestured as she hugged Catherine.  
  
Sara spent exactly a week in bed. Then on the morning of the eighth day she woke up, got straight out of bed and shrugged off whatever she had been upset about. She was cheerily and bright again. She called Matt, apologised to him and asked him out on a real date. She said she was ready to really date. He was delighted.  
  
Then she went and picked up Alaney. Everything returned back to normal as if the past week had never happened. Except Michelle and Janey had gone to stay with Libby at the vacation home instead of Sara's flat. Alaney seemed to have forgiven Sara but still seemed a bit quiet and pre-occupied with something. Sara was thankful that it didn't seem to be anything to do with Sara herself.  
  
That evening Matt came round. Sara came out the kitchen area to answer the door. Alaney was sitting on the sofa watching the pair intently as they acted like smitten lovesick puppies.  
  
Sara opened the door to find Matt holding a bunch of flowers for her. Her whole face lit up.  
  
"Hey" he greeted her delighted to see her.  
  
"Hey back" she replied smitten too.  
  
"These are for you" he said as he offered her the flowers.  
  
"Thank you" she replied still smitten.  
  
"Come in. I'll just be a second" Sara offered.  
  
Matt came in and Sara got her bag.  
  
Alaney smiled at Matt.  
  
"Hi" Alaney called, from the sofa.  
  
"Hi. I don't think we've been formerly introduced have we. I'm Matt. Your Sara's cousin right?" he said.  
  
They shook hands.  
  
"No. I'm Alaney. I'm her" Alaney reciprocated.  
  
"Sister! She's my sister" Sara interrupted rushing over.  
  
Alaney was disappointed but said nothing. Sara could see.  
  
"Yeap, her sister" Alaney lied.  
  
"Ready to go?" Sara asked Matt.  
  
"Sure. Did you have anywhere in mind?" he asked.  
  
"Nope" Sara admitted.  
  
"I know this great place on the other side of town. Wanna try there?" he suggested.  
  
"Sure" Sara agreed smitten.  
  
Sara turned and saw Alaney still sulking.  
  
"Hey, I'll meet you downstairs in just a second" Sara told him.  
  
Matt nodded and went out the door.  
  
"I'm sorry. Just not yet, o.k.?" Sara told Alaney.  
  
"Don't worry. I understand" Alaney half accepted.  
  
Sara checked herself out in the mirror.  
  
"Hey, you really like him don't you?" Alaney called.  
  
"Yeah" Sara smiled.  
  
"Well, good luck. You look lovely" Alaney commented.  
  
"Thank you sweetie" Sara replied.  
  
Sara smiled and kiss Alaney goodbye on the cheek.  
  
"Have a good evening" Alaney added as Sara left.  
  
"Will do" Sara called as she rushed out the door.  
  
They did have a good evening. In fact, they had a wonderful evening. All until they got back to Sara's flat. Sara had asked Matt up to her flat with the excuse that she could get her dictionary out and settle their play argument over whether or not the word 'harebrained' was in the dictionary or it was just a made up word. They went upstairs, Sara got her dictionary and Sara was right – it was a word! Sara pretended to gloat and Matt tried to be a good loser.  
  
"I had an IQ of 140 at the age of four! My mother is an English genius and she past all her knowledge onto me! Don't ever challenge me!" Sara joked.  
  
"I won't! I won't after one final test. Where does this quote come from?: 'The miserable have no other medicine but hope'. Well then?"  
  
Sara was stumped.  
  
"I'll give you a clue then – it's a Shakespeare play" he told her.  
  
"Macbeth?" she guessed.  
  
"No!" he laughed  
  
"Hamlet? King Richard? Tempest?" she guessed.  
  
"Wrong, wrong wrong! You can't just guess till you get it right! It was Measure for Measure! I thought you were meant to be a genius!" he gloated.  
  
"I never said that! Anyway, literature was never my strong point" Sara admitted.  
  
"Oh yeah. Whatever! What did you get for literature?" he asked.  
  
"An A, but I could only explain about five books in detail because they're the only books I studied or read. I was more a fan of fact books rather than fiction books" Sara explained.  
  
"So you're a walking encyclopaedia then?" he joked.  
  
"Kind of" Sara joked back.  
  
"Well, I think that's cute" he gestured.  
  
They smiled and locked eye contact. Then Matt went in to kiss her and she began to kiss him back. Within seconds she began pulling his clothes off. Suddenly he pushed her off.  
  
"Woah! Slow down! One step at a time, Jessica Rabbit" he told her.  
  
"What is it?" she asked impatient.  
  
"Not just yet, o.k.?" he responded. "Please" Sara pleaded.  
  
She tried again.  
  
He became more resilient.  
  
"I said no! Get off me! Gees!" he protested.  
  
He moved to the far side of the sofa and held a pillow up in front of him.  
  
"I've got to protect myself you. You man eater!" he joked.  
  
Sara sighed and did not look pleased.  
  
He snuggled up beside her and put his arm round he.  
  
"Hey, there's more to a relationship than just sex, you know! I think we should get to know each other a bit better first. O.k.?" he reasoned.  
  
"What's wrong? I thought you liked me" Sara asked.  
  
"I do. I like you a lot! But it's still early days. Let's just take our time o.k.? It's only our first official date" he explained.  
  
"Sorry" Sara said.  
  
"Don't worry, I don't think I really did want to sleep with you. It's probably a good job you said no" Sara admitted.  
  
"Whoa! What? Then why did you ask? I mean why did you just come onto me, quite strongly, if you didn't want to have sex?" he reacted.  
  
Sara shrugged. She just got up and walked into the kitchen to get two glasses of wine.  
  
"Sara! I mean it! Why did you come onto me?" he insisted.  
  
He came into the kitchen area, turned her round and looked her right in the face.  
  
"Why?" he asked.  
  
"I don't know" she replied ashamed.  
  
"Yes, you do. Tell me" he pleaded.  
  
Sara paused and looked down ashamed.  
  
"I didn't want to disappoint you" she confessed.  
  
"Disappoint me! Sara, if you don't want to have sex with someone you shouldn't. Alright?" he insisted.  
  
"Sure, in an ideal world where everything's simple!" Sara rebuked.  
  
"No Sara, full stop" he insisted.  
  
He didn't think Sara was listening to him.  
  
"Sara, promise me your never have sex with me if you don't want to" he asked her.  
  
"Fine" she blew him off and carried on getting the wine out.  
  
"Sara, have you ever agreed to sleep with a guy when you didn't really want sex?" he asked.  
  
Sara shrugged.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes. Sara, you need to have more respect for yourself! Why don't you just say no?" he continued.  
  
Sara sighed.  
  
"Look, I didn't entirely not want to sleep with you tonight! In fact, I really wanted to! More than I ever have my life!" Sara explained.  
  
"Liar" he accused her.  
  
"It's true. I don't know! I don't know what I want! So I just let men decide for me!" Sara admitted.  
  
"What? I don't believe I'm hearing this! Is our world really in this kind of state? Sara, listen to yourself!" Matt frustrated.  
  
"Look listen! You want the truth? The truth is that tonight part of me has never wanted so badly to sleep with someone so bad - and yet another part of me has never wanted so badly to not to have sex! So I just don't know!" Sara confessed.  
  
Matt sighed.  
  
"How can that be true?" he asked.  
  
"It just is" Sara replied.  
  
"Well, promise you me, you won't sleep with me unless every part of your body wants to, o.k.?" Matt asked.  
  
"Fine" Sara blew him off.  
  
"I mean it" he insisted.  
  
"Fine" Sara insisted.  
  
"Promise me" he insisted.  
  
"Fine!" she shouted at him.  
  
He was quite taken aback.  
  
Sara started to get ice out the freezer and pop it out of its container. She had her back to him. He just was still speechless. He just kept staring at her trying to work her out and figure out what to say to her.  
  
"Sara?" he asked.  
  
She ignored him.  
  
"Sara!" he asked again.  
  
"What?" she snapped.  
  
He reconsidered.  
  
"Nothing. I'll ask you another time" he answered.  
  
She turned her back to him again and popped ice cubes out in a huff.  
  
He just stood staring at her. She noticed.  
  
"What is it?" she snapped.  
  
"Nothing" he replied sorry.  
  
He came over, put his arms round her and kissed her head.  
  
"I'm sorry. It's not our fault" he said.  
  
Sara reconsidered.  
  
"No, I should be sorry. You were only being – well you were only being the nicest guy I've ever met! And I was a complete bitch back to you! Thank you. Thank you for caring enough to be concerned" Sara apologised.  
  
Matt looked down and looked awkward.  
  
"I better go. It's getting late" he excused himself.  
  
"Please don't go. I'm sorry" Sara pleaded.  
  
"You have nothing to be sorry about. I just think we need sometime to cool off from each other. So we can start again, afresh, tomorrow. How about we do lunch tomorrow?" he explained.  
  
"That would be lovely" she agreed relieved.  
  
He was about to kiss her but stopped.  
  
"Afresh" he reminded himself.  
  
He opened the door and she followed him over to it.  
  
He was about to go when he re-considered. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't think of the words he wanted to say. Finally, the words did come out his mouth.  
  
"You don't have a particularly high opinion of us men do you?" he asked.  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked confused.  
  
"You think all men want is sex. That's not true, you know. That's just not true" he told her before finally leaving.  
  
Sara closed the door behind her and lay against the doorframe. She put her hands on her face.  
  
"Shit!" she exclaimed quietly.  
  
She began to cry. First, they started gentle tears but soon escalated into floods of tears.  
  
The next night didn't go without tension either. They had a lovely lunch. They had a lovely day. Then Matt made the mistake of asking Sara back to his place. He thought it would be fine because it was still only early in the evening and they had sorted out all that mess yesterday. This was a fresh start day, after all. So he drove them back to his after their long lunch and walk in the park.  
  
They were sitting there, wine glasses in hand, laughing and joking when Sara came onto him again.  
  
"What are you doing?!?" he exclaimed pushing her off.  
  
"Oh what is the problem!" Sara exclaimed back.  
  
"Your behaviour that's the problem!" he shouted back.  
  
"I thought we'd agreed to lay off after yesterday" he told her calmer.  
  
"I thought we were just talking about yesterday night. I thought you meant we just needed to go on another date" Sara argued defensively annoyed.  
  
"No! I meant longer than 1 day, Sara!" he shouted.  
  
Sara got up, got her bag and was about to leave.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked.  
  
"Leaving. This obviously isn't going to work out" she answered angrily.  
  
"What! So you're just going to dump me because I won't sleep with you! Are you really that desperate for sex?" he shouted.  
  
"Why is sex such a big issue for you?" she shouted at him.  
  
"Because it's such a big issue for you!" he replied calmly.  
  
Sara looked horrified that he'd noticed any of this in her.  
  
She sighed and then carried on as if he'd never said it.  
  
"Most men would think they'd died and gone to heaven, by now. By no not you! Your some kind of prude" she shouted back.  
  
"I'm not a prude!" he remarked annoyed.  
  
"Sara, please! Wait. Calm down! Listen, I'm not a prude. I know I am acting a bit prudish. But frankly, I'm not used to women coming on so strong. Even those women I've met who come on as strong as you so soon do not take rejection of their proposal as badly as you. They usually understand that people are different and for me this is too soon. But frankly, Sara what makes me extra cautious to sleep with you is the fact that I have never met anyone who appears as fucked up as you about sex" he confessed.  
  
"Excuse me?" she remarked annoyed.  
  
"What was that comment about yesterday. About not wanting sex and yet offering it quite blatantly!" he replied.  
  
"That is not screwed up!" Sara defended herself.  
  
"Well, that's up for debate too! Your just going to have to accept that, to me personally, that is screwed up!" he exclaimed.  
  
Matt sighed. So did Sara. They both calmed down.  
  
"It's not just what you say that worries me, Sara. It's the look in your eyes. You look scared. So why on earth would you want to sleep with me if it scares you?" he asked.  
  
Sara said nothing. She just sat down and put her hands on her face in stress.  
  
Matt came  
  
over, sat next to her and took her hand gently.  
  
"It's o.k. You don't need say anything. I can already guess that answer. You want to talk about it?" he responded sympathetically.  
  
"About what?" Sara asked scared.  
  
"Something happened" he told her.  
  
Sara looked away shocked. She didn't say anything. She looked away. No man had ever noticed anything different in her behaviour. No man had ever asked that when she had been dating them. She didn't know what to say or do. She didn't really want to tell him. So she just looked away.  
  
"That's alright. You don't need to tell me exactly what happened or who it happened with. Just, please, can you give me just give me a nod to confirm that there is a something and that something is why this is such an issue for you. I just want to be aware of what's going on here. Did something happen to you in your past?" he asked.  
  
She turned and looked straight at him. Her eyes began to well up with tears. She wanted to speak but she found she couldn't. So she just silently nodded.  
  
He closed his eyes as he sighed. Then he turned to her, opened up his arms and she fell into his arms crying away.  
  
"It's o.k. It's o.k. We'll deal with this. It's good I know. You don't need to tell me. You just tell me if you ever want to. Or not, that's good too. Whatever your comfortable with. I'm not going leave you. I promise, I'm not going to leave you because of this. We'll get through this. I promise" he reassured her.  
  
She cried and he comforted her for about fifteen minutes before she finally calmed down. He got her some herbal tea he had at the back of his cupboard. As he was over there she found herself thinking, that she couldn't believe she'd just admitted that to him. She couldn't believe he knew. Was it that obvious? She felt so embarrassed. What must he be thinking of her?  
  
He finished making her herbal tea and cam over with it.  
  
"I know what your thinking" she accused her.  
  
"What? That you're funny, smart and beautiful and that I'm lucky you agreed to go out with me?"  
  
"You know your funny and your smart. And you're not so bad looking yourself" she smirked.  
  
"But that's not what you were thinking" she regained her composure of seriousness.  
  
"What was I thinking?" he challenged her cynicism.  
  
"You think I'm a slut" she told him.  
  
"No I don't!" he rebuked.  
  
"Your thinking: How can she expect men to respect her if she acts like a slut?" she challenged him.  
  
"I don't think you're a slut. I think it's your way of reacting to a bad situation" he told her.  
  
"Go on then, if you're so clever. Tell me how I 'react'. Tell me why I do what I do. Go on Mr Anthropologist!" she challenged him.  
  
"I think. You probably try give men sex, before they ask for it, because you're scared that when they do ask they'll demand it. Then your surprised when they have no respect for you or surprised when they use you for sex or you find them cheating on you. You come across so many men like this, and added to your bad experience, you conclude that all men must be like this and all men must only be after sex. How well am I doing so far?" he continued.  
  
"Good. Very good, in fact" she admitted laughed.  
  
"So, is that all to the theory or is there more? Seeing as you're doing so well" Sara challenged him playfully.  
  
"It's not a laughing matter. Stop treating this like it's nothing. You worry me" he chided her.  
  
Sara went serious again.  
  
"Go on" she told him  
  
He paused, but eventually went on.  
  
"Well, you said that part of you was desperate to sleep with me and part of you wasn't. I was thinking about it last night and I might be able to explain it now. I think you try to sleep with as many men. No wait. You try to have sex as many times as possible, because your trying to dissolve away your bad experience and you think the more times you have sex and the more people you have sex with then the more likely it is that the memories of that bad experience will go away. But, it won't. So you figure you haven't found the right man yet, so you keep searching and hoping and try to get other possible 'right' men into bed, as fast as possible" he suggested.  
  
"Now you see that's where you're wrong! Most of that was wrong actually" he delighted playfully.  
  
"Well, tell me the way it is then" he responded.  
  
"Some of that was near the truth, I'll grant you that. But most of it was wrong. I'll have you know that the men I've been with have helped the memories away. There was a time when I couldn't bare to have sex. But I kept trying and eventually I began to like it. It begins to slowly go away. So, the answer is no. I wasn't desperate to get you in bed for exactly that reason. With you it was a different reason. A complication to the whole bad experience" she explained playfully at first, but soon dulled to a serious tone.  
  
"What reason?" he asked confused  
  
"It's complicated. Well, no it isn't actually. It's pretty simple. I just don't want to talk about it" she explained.  
  
"O.k." he accepted.  
  
"Maybe one day" she told him as she placed her hand on his.  
  
"Anyway, you made it sound like I was promiscuous! I am not promiscuous! When I'm dating someone I'm monogamous! I just don't wait particularly long to know people before I get into them into bed. Because of the reason you said" she protested.  
  
"Your scared of men" he added  
  
Sara laughed.  
  
"Well, that's one rather to the point way of saying" Sara responded.  
  
Matt paused. He placed his hand on hers.  
  
"You know you don't need to be scared of me don't you" he gestured.  
  
"Of course" Sara laughed him off and threw his hand away.  
  
He put her hand on hers again.  
  
"I mean it" he reassured her.  
  
She looked away and gave it some thought quickly. Then she turned back to look at him, said nothing and then nodded. He kissed her forehead. She put her head on his shoulder, nestled into him and smiled. She had never felt so safe.  
  
"When we have sex. If! I mean if you want sex! If you never want sex then that's fine. Even if we got married and were together forever – and you didn't want sex then that would be fine" he fumbled.  
  
"Whoa soldier! You're telling me to slow down. It's only our second date!" she joked. "You know what I mean. If you never felt ready to have sex ever again then that would be alright with me" he told her.  
  
"Matt, I can just about believe you are the sweetest man alive" Sara joked.  
  
"I'm not the sweetest guy alive, Sara. You shouldn't have such low standards" he butted in.  
  
"Let me finish! I can just about believe you are the sweetest man alive. But I find it hard to believe you could live with never having sex again in your life" Sara joked with him.  
  
"You know what I mean. What I'm trying to say, but it's coming out badly is. We'll only have sex together when you can honestly tell me that your ready. Honestly 100% sure in your heart that your ready. And can you tell me that your honestly 100% ready right this second?" he told her.  
  
Sara thought about it.  
  
"No" she admitted.  
  
He smirked and gave a small laugh.  
  
"I'm sorry Matt! You're honestly one of the sweetest guys I've ever dated! But you're right. We've only just met. So deep down in my heart, the answer is no. I'm not 100% ready to sleep with you. And your right, it is an issue for me" she admitted.  
  
"Sara, I laughed because I know all that. And it's going to take time. I know that. But it doesn't matter how long it takes. All that matters is that we'll both want it" he reassured her.  
  
Sara smiled and snuggled up on his shoulder again.  
  
"Why would you want to put up with all this baggage, when you've only known me a few weeks?" she asked as she lay there staring into the fire.  
  
"Because I like you. I like you a lot. You're not like most women I meet. Your special. And even if you weren't special - everyone in need deserves someone to support them – special or not" he told her.  
  
Sara laughed.  
  
"Your not normal" she reassured him.  
  
She looked up at him and smiled. She kissed him on the lips. Then she smiled and lay her head down on his chest again. He kissed her forehead and they sat there all night just watching the fire crackle and enjoying each other's company.  
  
They just sat there. The next night, they did basically the same.  
  
Bu the third night, they both agreed to just sleep in each other's arms in bed. Sara found it made sleeping, especially lately, a lot easier. She felt protected. She felt safe. She felt loved for who she was. 


End file.
